There doesn’t seem to be too much to say about this week, except that this girl’s emotions are a bit up and down and that she feels rather weary from a busy working week. This girl has been thinking about those emotions and about her submission.
Sir feels that this girl made a lot of progress with her submission over last weekend, quite in what way he hasn’t exactly said. But for this girl it feels that it was less about spending hours in subspace and more being in a space where she was her submissive self. There are subtle differences about these two states. In subspace this girl feels not quite in control of herself, she is a little vague and vacant and struggles to make decisions because of that. In submission space, this girl feels that she has handed control over to Him but that she can function, can make decisions where they need to be made. It is more that in His presence she is the person they both want her to be. She is a submissive.
This has led this girl to think about how she is away from Sir, during the normal working week and the extent to which she can be more like this submissive person in normal life. Yesterday at a meeting, this girl reverted back to her previous self. She spoke over someone and for that received a look which was not dissimilar to one she might have received from Sir. What is more, she felt chastised and a little ashamed, as she might if it had been Him. There was no need for her to have done what she did and she has reflected on this and other elements of that meeting. It is not about being door mat like during the meeting, she had ample opportunity to get her point across and did. But actually perhaps the person this girl feels she is while submissive, it more like the person she wishes others to see. Certainly, when sitting at her desk, getting on with work, this girl feels that she is more able to function well and to focus on her work if she acts more like her submissive self.
When this girl thinks back to her younger days, she realises she wasn’t always the person who dominates conversations, who appeared confident to others and who was overtly extrovert. Ok so she likes the sound of her own voice and always has, but previously this was only evident when in a safe situation, perhaps with friends. Gradually, the work roles this girl has performed and the way in which she has had to take control (or thought she did), at home has changed the way in which this girl behaves in a variety of places and ways. Finding her submission is making this girl reassess the person she really is and the way in which she wishes to be seen by others.
Over the weekend, this girl thought about how her mood tends to drop on Tuesdays when she knows she faces an evening with hubby. This girl and Sir discussed what she might do about this and she came up with the idea of wearing her butt plug for the evening to help her focus on who she was. During Tuesday afternoon, this girl felt herself drop and on the way home, Sir reminded her about what she needed to do. This strategy certainly seemed to work. Immediately the plug was in place, she felt calmer and more focused on her submissive self. This in turn helped her manage the evening with hubby. It also made her feel horny for Sir, and in turn that helped her focus.
Sir has had some other things on His mind this week and He hasn’t been able to spend so much time interacting with this girl. At times she has felt a little neglected and in the past might have had something to say to Him about this. However, this girl has tried to think through things from his point of view and to consider His needs over her own. After all, if this girl is to be Graeme’s submissive she needs not to put her own needs first for a change.