Mood swings, but coping

This girl is trying to prepare for the next month by coping better with her feelings. The highs lately have been very high, but then the lows are very very low.

It isn’t anything very serious that drags this girl down either. It seems to be very little things. Last night it was coming home from my book club to find the curtains and blinds sill open, hubby asleep on the sofa, the kitchen in a mess. This morning it was hubby having a late start. It can be Sir not responding to my texts. It is stupid things.

This week this girl has been trying to focus much more on parts of the day. Using lists to get her through, concentrating on tasks – at work, at home. After a rocky start and grumpiness with Sir on Monday, this girl has been concentrating and trying much harder.  She has got lots done at work with another day to come tomorrow. She has hubby here tonight but feels positive. As Sir would say – Girl, it can be done.

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The piercings are going pretty well.
The nipples are generally sore, but they are clean and dry and don’t look as sore as they feel. The regular pain this week has helped to keep this girl centred. To remind her that she is submissive and that she has done this to please him, to enhance the pain and pleasure for them both and also for her. 
The clitoral hood, well that was most painful on the day and gives no pain. However this girl is already in a constant state of arousal. This will be the thing He uses to remind her and anyway, how will she forget if she is constantly wet!!!
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The weekend approaches. This girl knows they will have fun. She knows it is their last weekend together for a while. But she knows managing her moods will be the key. Over the coming weeks this girl will need to focus to remember her submission and to control those moods. She will cope.

Piercings

So they are done. This girl is now a woman who is pierced.

We went to a small tattoo and piercing parlour near to where this girl lives – it would be true to say that this girl was nervous, it felt like a big thing to be doing. It is easy to talk about having something so intimate done to your body, it is another thing actually going through with it. This is something S and this girl discussed, but looking back you have to wonder how serious we really were. People get pierced for lots of reasons, but for this girl it is part of her submission and so while she had to want it to be done so must He as her Master, her Owner.

Sir was with this girl. The piercer told us that he preferred not to have anyone else with him while he worked. We preferred otherwise – a strange man, alone in a small room during such an intimate time. Plus as this girl’s Master He wanted to be there, to see it done. This is just what she wanted too – Him to be there, to see it.

We started with the nipples. this girl stripped to the waist and was marked where the piercing would be. She was then told to lie down and he sprayed an anaesthetic spray which in itself hurt a little. For some reason, the right was more painful than the left, but with in a few minutes the little bars were in place, a couple of small dressings were applied and it was done. this girl dressed again and then stripped below the waist. She felt amazingly uninhibited by doing this whole thing, perhaps it is being over 50, being someone who has had a baby, or maybe it is about no longer caring who sees this girl in a state of undress, especially when Sir is present.

The clit hood piercing was painful. The anaesthetic spray and then the piercing itself hurt. Plus he warned there would be bleeding for up to a couple of days afterwards. There has been quite a bit of blood there, which seems to have stopped, but after the deed was done, there has been no pain.

24 hours later the nipples also feel fine, while confined within this girl’s bra. There has been no bleeding there and they are pretty comfortable. They are looking clean if a little swollen and bruised, but so far so good.

Sir has inspected all of His property’s piercings and is pretty pleased. He thinks they look sexy, and this girl is proud of them

This morning in bed, this girl was able to cum with just a little breast and nipple stimulation. He did not touch her clit or cunt. She was perhaps aroused by the idea of the piercings, plus the small amount of pain in him touching her gently was sufficient to send this girl straight into a very very good submissive place. Accompanied with some wonderful worship of His cock, of taking Him deep in her mouth, of swallowing His seed was all this girl needed for now.

We will have to go gently for a little while, but that will be no problem, He will be away for a few weeks from 9th May. These piercings are not a short term thing for this girl and for Sir. They are an important sign for us both that He owns her, possesses her and will be around for some time to come.

There will be updates in the coming weeks to report on how things are healing. Plus of course, there should be some great experiences to report on in the future!

Disorganised

For all of my working life I have often been surprised about my ability to retain information and to organise myself. Give me a while in a job and I can give the impression of being an expert – I like to read around the topic, I listen and observe. I was recruited to my current job because I really do have an expertise and despite a while away from this field I was able to impress at interview. I like to write lists, but generally they are not required – I come back to them later and tick everything off as I have already done them. I tend to know where things are, I can picture in my head where I last saw them. I have an electronic diary, but I don’t need to look in it, as I know what I am doing.

The trouble is that at the moment, while I am still able to speak with knowledge and authority on my subject (I haven’t forgotten it just yet), I am forgetting other important things. Forgetting to do things, despite writing them down (perhaps I should look at that list), getting muddled with what is and isn’t in my diary and this week I missed a deadline. On Wednesday I attended a meeting I had wrongly turned up to on the previous day (confused that it was not in my diary for Tuesday I actually added it in!) Later that day, I disbelieved the time of a meeting in my diary and was subsequently 20 minutes late. Later still I spent 45 minutes looking for some papers which later turned up at home (even when I was looking I had a hunch that I might know where they were).

I am getting stressed with my sudden lack of organisational skills, this is so not like me. I am also getting anxious when I can’t contact him, or I try to and for whatever reason he doesn’t respond. I hate this to happen and feel that I should get on with being at work as I always have and not seek contact at all.

Sir is getting worried about me and I really don’t like to do that.  He worries all of this is in some way linked to me giving up control in other ways.  Perhaps that could partly be true. But also I think it might be linked to the menopause which appears to be gathering momentum.

After 8 months without a period, during which time I had a reasonable number of hot flushes which were irritating. Things settled and for 2 months it was like I was back to normal. But this last month, no period and constant hot flushes and night sweats. Plus my mood is distinctly hormonal – up and down like a yo yo.

While I am loving the opportunity to give up control in many areas of my personal life with Sir. I do not need to give up control at work, and I do not need the stress that goes with it.  Whatever the cause I need to find better ways of managing these feelings. Better ways of coping.

Sir is going to be away for a few weeks soon and will be on a different time zone. He will have other priorities and I don’t want to cause him stress. I also don’t want to cause myself this level of stress. I need to sort myself out.

Used but not in a good way

I do feel that I am making progress in my life in general. Family and friends are gradually learning about the changes I am making with regards to my marriage. I have sought some relationship counselling, and have been to a first session, though am waiting to hear about a longer course. I have seen a solicitor for some legal advice. Hubby knows it is over between us – he might say otherwise, but his body language tells me he does. Plus there is the relationship with Sir, which goes from strength to strength.

Still though I am plagued with doubts – Can I go through with this whole thing? Can I manage the process of splitting everything, selling the house etc? My dad is very unwell and we are likely to lose him this year, my mum will need lots of support; can I support them enough in their time of need? How will all of this affect me, affect my relationships with others?

I am embracing my submission with Sir. I love the feeling it gives me and I know that he loves it too; the sense of power, of dominance is good for him.

But it is in other aspects of my life where I still find myself being submissive to the wrong people in the wrong ways.

Hubby returned from about a week away yesterday. He took up his usual residence on the sofa watching football and then other mindless programmes. I ran around after him in the usual way I do. But these days I hate myself for it. Hate that I suspend my usual life for him. We had things to catch up on, and did discuss them, but in truth we skirt around the real issues and otherwise have nothing much to say to each other.

Then there is my brother, who last night stung me for a ‘loan’ I will never see returned. On Monday he apparently left his girlfriend and moved in with my parents. I saw him when I went to see them. We discussed him doing some work here for me (painting and gardening), since he is between jobs and has no money. By last night the payment for work had turned into a larger ‘loan’ which he will pay back when earning again. Like a fool, I transferred the money to his account and not 10 minutes later my dad texted me to say my brother had gone home! I felt completely used and still do. Ok, so tomorrow I will get my dining room, which has been ready for painting for 4 months, decorated. But still my brother, who I love has used us all.

This morning, I ironed a shirt for my son. Apparently a black shirt doesn’t go with black jeans. I gave him some grey jeans. A stronger response, but what, you may well ask am I doing ironing the clothes of a 23 year old who can iron his own?

Maybe I am being hard on myself. I know I am a good hearted person who wants to help others, who sees their problems as larger than my own. But I know that to find real fulfilment in my life, this kind of thing has to stop. It is just working out how, without being a burden on Sir.

I need a strength that sometimes I don’t think I have. How on earth to I find it and still be the submissive I want to be, and know I can be?

A dozen orgasms before breakfast

Actually this girl isn’t too sure how many orgasms she gave Sir before they got out of bed yesterday morning. Having used her for His pleasure on Saturday, he seemed intent on playing with her on Monday morning. This girl knows how much it turns Him on, not only to own her orgasms but to make her cum at His will. This girl is hardly going to tell Him to stop, given how much she also loves to cum.

This girl (as she has perhaps mentioned before) used to find it difficult to cum. It tended to take quite a bit of time for this girl, even with a vibrator on full speed over her clit. With Sir, He now just has to stroke her a little or even, we have discovered, place His hand over her crotch and she is able to cum on his count. This girl is required to tell Him that the orgasm is His as she cums for Him and sometimes the feeling is just so intense it is a while before she can actually speak. What is more, they go on for a long time.

So many orgasms, so early in the morning (though over a good couple of hours) set this girl up nicely for the day. They help this girl stay in her submissive place for the whole day, even if we are not together. This is a feeling this girl would like to bottle, so that when she is feeling a little out of control, a little stressed she could easily recapture.

This girl has discovered that inserting her plug helps centre her. Indeed one evening last week, Sir instructed this girl to put her plug in. He sensed in her texts that she was getting a little stressy and needed to remember her place. However this girl does not always have a butt plug handy, and needs to work through how to find her submission in those circumstances. This girl wonders however if perhaps the piercings, which they plan to get this weekend coming, will help.

Used

That sums up this weekend for this girl; a slut, used by her Sir.

It has been a long holiday weekend here in the UK and it has been a busy one.  On Friday, this girl headed off to the south west of the country for a family lunch. In the absence of a husband or son accompany to her this girl’s niece who is 16 kept her company in the car. This was as well, as all of the warnings about Easter weekend traffic came to bear. A 2 hour journey became 4 hours. However, it was worth the journey as the food and company was superb. The late arrival, however meant that this girl and Sir didn’t get to see each other until Saturday.

Sir had obviously spend some of that time thinking through how He wanted to use this girl; she wasn’t disappointed.

When this girl arrived at Sir’s house, He took immediate possession of this girls body. Undoing her clothes and touching her. Without being told to, since she knew it was what He wanted, this girl stripped.

This girl knelt on the bed, her ankles shackled, a spreader bar keeping her legs wide. Sir inserted a butt plug (a larger one than usual), a dildo into her cunt and demanded some orgasms using the hitachi.  This girl was flogged, maybe whipped (who knows which of his implements he was using) as the pain and pleasure merged. Later He used the violet wand on her, or perhaps before, this girl always has difficulty in identifying the order things happen in. This girl definitely experienced more pain than before but knows that she can and will take more in the future. Finally, Sir fucked this girl, using her cunt and arse before cumming in her mouth. This girl felt incredibly used and ever more horny for knowing that it was for His pleasure.

This girl feels her submission so much more when He gives the impression that He is just taking what is His. When he tells her she is a slut, a whore or his favourite; a bitch. Even when He told her she was useless fuckmeat she felt proud, fulfilled. This girl now cums for her Sir, just because she is feeling used. Sometimes He isn’t actually touching her when this happens.

Essentially this girl is just a possession of His, to use as He wants. What is more, she just loves it.

I am a slut

There is no getting away from it, this girl is a slut and what is more she likes to be one.

Yesterday this girl took a half day as Sir was in London, not so very far from where this girl works, on business. They met for a look around some (mainly closed due to it being Maundy Thursday) interesting churches. As usual though even a closed church is interesting with Sir around, plus there are always some hidden places in London that Sir knows and this girl hasn’t yet laid eyes on. There was also a look around the National Gallery, which is always good for an hour or so – Sir imparts some of his art history knowledge, this girl admires or otherwise the paintings, commenting on the ugliness of some of those 18th century women.

This girl was dressed for work. She was wearing a black and cream dress, highly suitable for the business woman about town. She most definitely didn’t look like a slut, but that is what she is. This girl had her bottom and tits felt in numerous places yesterday – churches, churchyards, gardens amongst the Royal Courts of Justice buildings, the National Gallery…. This girl was very turned on by the time they ate dinner. More so because in a pub before dinner, Sir instructed this girl to go remove her panties. Of course she did and then invited much more touching up while they finished up their drinks in that busy pub. This girl was in a fine submissive mood over dinner and did lots of smiling and looking into His eyes but less talking. This kind of behaviour pleases Sir (as previously stated).

This girl and Sir headed off to a final pub for a drink before getting their respective trains. The place was busy so they moved table a couple of times so that they could be positioned for this girl to be the slut she is and so he cold touch what is his. Sir and girl wanted much more from the evening, but since this girl has to go to a family lunch today they couldn’t have it. There is something really exciting for this girl to be used and potentially humiliated in this way though. Something which will add to the anticipation for tonight.

Sir likes this girl to be His slut in this way and boy does being that slut turn this girl on!

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Overnight the stat counter turned over 50,000 hits. That seems a large number (though small in comparison to some) over 2 years. I am really grateful that people call by and read the stuff I write and also that people take the time to comment. Keep visiting and keep leaving your comments – I appreciate it. Thank you.

The sound of silence

When this girl thought of this topic she thought of this track. On YouTube she found this.

This is a beautiful version and the first of this song. Ok, so the words don’t quite fit what this girl wants to say, but this girl likes it and in a way it feels right.

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This girl, in her normal state can speak quite a lot. She often needs to fill the spaces between dialogue. This may well irritate people, it would be correct to say that even this girl gets annoyed by the sound of her own voice.
Today this girl identified two distinct ways in which this verbal diarrhoea occurs: firstly when she has something very important to say and secondly when she is in a very anxious state. The trouble is, that sometimes even this girl can’t tell the difference.
Submission appears to bring this girl a new way of being. 
It is possible to be calm and relaxed, it is possible not to always need to speak. There is nothing wrong in needing to speak when there is something important to say. There is nothing wrong in sharing news etc. But there is no need to speak for the sake of it.
Luckily, Sir is someone who likes the sound of silence. He is content to just be, to live in the moment. 
This girl is finding that she likes that place too. She finds with This Man, This Sir that she can be a less talkative person and be happy with that. 
Lately it takes less time for this girl to get into the place where that can happen and both this girl and Sir are very happy with that.

behaviour change

This girl met Sir in an internet chat room. In that place this girl chatted, not only with Him but with a number of people. This girl has found that she loves to flirt, to scene with Dominant men. That whole thing gives this girl an enormous thrill, even though it is not real life. She likes nothing more than to make out (and sometimes it is real) she is really turned on by a man online. Occasionally though someone you play with online resonates in real life. This happened with Sir and it happened quickly.

This girl can no longer play. She can flirt a little and she can chat, but she can’t scene online with a man who isn’t Sir. He hasn’t told her she must not play. But anyhow, she cannot.

But it doesn’t stop at cyber play. The feelings being in this relationship with Sir bring to the fore in this girl run much deeper. If a submissive woman of a certain age lets it be known on certain websites that she is available, she will receive many approaches. This girl understands that. So, given she is not currently looking for a relationship she has changed her profiles, however it is interesting that so many men still make an approach. This might be because unless you declare yourself in a D/s relationship you are game, or maybe these men just cannot read.

Whatever, not only does this girl not want to play online, but she doesn’t want to be approached by random men looking for an easy woman.

Why doesn’t this girl just quit those sites (as she has done before)? Well actually she has a number of friends she wishes to continue to communicate with in those particular places.

Why don’t Sir and this girl openly embrace their status (whatever that is)? Well actually that is not how they wish to play this relationship. And whose business is it anyway?

This girl will always be grateful for the internet and the things she has learned about D/s and BDSM there. But that doesn’t make her open to all comers. Plus, if she knocks people back, it isn’t because Sir has told her not to do something, rather it is because she and she alone has decided it isn’t what she wants.

At the moment she has what she wants and what she needs. She has that in real life.

New friends however at always welcome.

Signs of commitment

The idea of piercings is not a new one for this girl. A year or more ago, S and this girl discussed the possibility.  This girl thinks that if he had been committed she would have gone ahead, after all it is something she knows she would love.

Graeme wants this girl to have her body pierced. This girl wants to have her body pierced.
This girl’s body belongs to Him now and so, she would have those piercings for Him. There is little she wouldn’t do for Him right now.
We are talking both nipples and clitoral hood.
But, this is important. On one level it is about having metal pushed through some intimate places, so that in itself is serous for the person who in reality owns that body. By the that this girl means the one who will suffer the pain, and of course ultimately the pleasure.
On another level this is quite symbolic.
Neither Graeme, nor this girl think that collaring are the right thing for them. This is not a never say never kind of thing, it is about what is right for their situation at this moment (taking account of other relationships etc).
Piercing though to both Graeme and this girl feels like a way He can proclaim His ownership and she can give herself more formally to Him.
When it is done, this girl will say a little more.