It has only been 6 weeks since Graeme and i got together, but already i know that the submissive i was with S is a pole apart from the one i am right now. Even taking account of the last few months when submission wasn’t much more than a bedroom game, this feels much more serious.
During that first year, everyone in blogland was writing their 30 days of submission. i did too, it gave me a way of posting regularly, even when there wasn’t so much to say, but it also helped me think about the kind of submissive i was and what it meant to me. Reading back i can see that i had so much to learn, but also that i was just brushing the surface of me and my submissive self.
At that time submission was symbolic. It was about me kneeling when i arrived at his house, about the collar he put on me and it was about the way in which he took my body. It was less about the deep desire within me to be owned and possessed by another. It was definitely not about feeling that deep connection. That doesn’t make what i wrote wrong, it wasn’t that i didn’t know what i felt, or that i didn’t feel i was submitting to S but it is useful for me to recognise how differently i feel today.
A few weeks ago, i talked about Graeme’s request that i speak in the second person when submitting. At the time it seemed quite a task, indeed almost impossible. It turns out that not only is it pretty easy once you get your head around it, but that actually doing so helps me get my head into the right place. Even during times of stress, even when i am at work. Dare i say i have even begun to think about myself as she, or girl or even slut in my own thoughts and i am also thinking of Him as Sir and even saying it.
This time calling someone Sir has a different meaning. To do so means i acknowledge His Dominance and my submission. Not just in a symbolic way.
To give yourself totally to another, involves an immense amount of trust. The act of submission during sex is less difficult for me than at other times. During sex, i can just let my self go and let the slut inside me symbolic way.
To begin with it was when we were doing ordinary things together that i found it hard to continue to be submissive. Seeking to take control of situations when there was no need. Increasingly not only don’t i need to do this but actually i don’t want to. So much so that sometimes choosing things off a menu for myself seems too much bother. Last weekend we went off to a museum in London, he said it was a surprise so he wouldn’t tell me where we were going. This involved both train and bus journeys and then a short walk. In the past i would have been beside myself at the prospect of firstly not having a say in what we were doing, but also in not really knowing where we were off to or how we would arrive. Trusting another person to take you on an outing seems pretty straight forward, but what if you have always been the one who organised everything? Of course S took me places and i wasn’t always so sure of how i would arrive since he knew the area and i didn’t, but i always had some sense of control, which i tended to retain. Now, i feel ready to give that kind of thing up.
Making decisions about my life and how i live it has always been a major thing for me. Pretty much without exception that is what i do. But what if i didn’t always do that? What if i didn’t always know best what was good for me and gave some of that over to another, how would that feel? Would i be worried or frightened, or actually would i feel liberated. Since i have often worried before making decisions and then agonised over whether they were right for me, maybe it wouldn’t be quite so difficult.
Only time will tell. All i do know is that then was then and now is now, and something in me has changed. And for the better.