This girl’s submission

It would be true to say that until the past week this girl’s experience of submission and how it can affect a person has been limited.

This statement is made with a little more knowledge than this girl previously had. It is made with the experience of spending six nights and at least part of seven days with Graeme, who will hence forth be known as Sir (or Sir G, or even Sir Graeme if this girl is feeling it more appropriate on a given day).

The learning curve of the past two months has been pretty steep, but it is safe to say that this girl has learnt a hell of a lot about her submission and how it makes her feel over the past week. This girl thinks that Sir had intended to mix up the submission with some bondage, masochism and whatever else He felt like.  But cool weather along with discovering that this girl could be enabled to explore her submission without the aid of toys meant that they didn’t come out of the suitcase (no matter how much this girl tried to persuade Him!)

Of course He was right. One thing at a time here.

The key thing this week was this girls journey into subspace and the opportunity to safely stay in a floaty place for hours and perhaps even days (when she looks back).

The difference between Julie, the career woman, mother, daughter and estranged wife and joolz the submissive was greater than it has ever been. Ever!

joolz, who needs to refer to herself as not just ‘girl’,  but ‘this girl’ or ‘this one’ (she prefers this girl) discovered that she really likes the place that Sir helped her reach. she found that He will look after her while she is there, ensure she is safe and he will take her to the places they want or need to visit. He will make sure they are appropriately fed and that since they were in France that they have beer, wine (and water or coffee as appropriate).  this girl discovered that she can do the same things she ever did on holiday but without the need to take control at all. Save the fact that this girl in a submissive place speaks somewhat less and is more relaxed, no one who knew her would even know. But and this is a big but, this girl knows and Sir definitely knows. What is more, this girl likes to be in that place and Sir enjoys her being there.

The more this girl finds her submission, the more Sir finds his dominance and in turn this girl relaxes more into her submission. And so it goes on.

Along with the submission is sexual desire, of a kind that this girl has not really known before. Suffice to say This Man turns her on very very much.  this girl finds the submission erotic and so does He.

This girl will need to discuss the orgasm situation next………..

Sir and girl

It is interesting how over time you can get used to new ideas so that they start to become second nature. How you can start to view yourself and others in a slightly different way, especially as a relationship develops and you get to know more of each other.

So it is that when she is in the right place, when she is joolz, it has become second nature to not only refer to herself as girl but to think it too. This is what He calls her and, even though she is far from being a girl, if he views her in that way, that is what she is. Increasingly she can move herself from being Julie and slip into girl mode. Indeed increasingly she doesn’t want to be the person she was at all (with the exception of being at work and being mother or daughter). This feels like a big change over the past 7 weeks or so. 
Finding your place in the world of submission is pretty easy when you are involved in a scene, when you are in bed together, or even just face to face. Finding that place when you are faced with a range of problems that life is trying to throw at you is something else. What girl is trying to do though is to take a more measured approach, to be mindful of what who she is and where she wants to be on this journey (ok so she failed the other day when faced with a stressor which sent her into a weird place).
The next thing is about what to call the Man she is submitting to. The Man who she has given great parts of herself to. The Man who on here she is calling Graeme (since that is His name). Again, in the midst of whatever you are doing together it is simple to refer to Him in the way He would like, as Sir. It comes naturally to her. Getting to the point where she feels ready to call Him Sir all of the time is something else.
However, girl is feeling more and more that she is ready and that it is just a matter of time before she things about him and refers to Him at all times as Sir.
This to girl is about trust and about acceptance. Giving up her body to Him seemed somehow easier than essentially giving up something deeper. Thinking about Him as her Dominant, her Sir outside of the bedroom (as it were) is a big thing. Something quite new for this particular girl. It is about the whole of her submission, it is about giving it all to Him for His safekeeping.
That trust is there though and so is the emotional attachment that seems to be necessary. 
Sir and girl are off on a short trip together over the next few days and girl is pretty sure that by the time they return there will be no doubt in her mind about her place and her ability to recognise His.
joolz will return to this place next weekend.

Coping with new feelings

As i try to navigate my way through the endings i need to make happen, i am finding that i am experiencing feelings within myself that feel completely alien. My mood seems to swing from feeling pretty happy, able to concentrate with what i am doing and to be productive. In effect to be my usual self.

But right now, there seems to be the ability for my mood to swing within just minutes and for me to feel alone, unhappy even despondent. When that happens i just want to crawl into a corner, sit down and cry. Also when that happens i feel i need to seek reassurance and if i perceive i don’t get it, then i just sink further and further into that sense of despair.

Then later, probably after whatever actual or perceived stress has passed, i begin to feel more like my usual self. However each time it happens i feel a little less sure of who i really am.

All this happened yesterday. I went to work feeling pretty happy, had a productive morning, ticked a number of things off of my ‘to do’ list and generally felt good. At the back of my mind all morning was that i had agreed to visit my in laws during the evening, much against my better judgement. They don’t know that hubby and i will separate and so far he hasn’t told them. This is still the case.

I was preparing to leave for a meeting and simultaneously answer a flurry of emails, when i began to interact with Graeme. He was distracted as busy elsewhere, i was distracted as trying to sort things before leaving, when suddenly i began to feel my emotional state drop through the floor. i don’t know why this happened, or exactly how. i know that some how his responses were different from those i wanted, but then i was kind of distracted anyway. i am not even sure that the interaction and what was going on in my head were even linked.

I went to the meeting, some how functioned as normal in it, all the time feeling my levels of anxiety rise.

On the way to the station, he and i spoke on the phone, and while i explained a little, i found myself almost unable to speak. i think we both knew what was wrong with me, but since i knew i would do through with seeing the inlaws as did he, there was little really to be said.

By the time i got home, i felt i should tell Graeme that i was too needy, and that maybe he would be better off if he and i should see each other. Even when i knew i was being irrational, so the feelings grew within me.

The visit was odd. i have the feeling they know something as conversation was more stilted and limited than usual. i felt like i was almost suspended above myself, watching what was happening. But as the visit drew to a close, and they asked me to set up their new tablet computer, which i did for them. i began to feel normal again. By the time i got home and soon after went to bed i was able to sleep. Waking this morning, i am puzzled by what happened to me, still struggling with these unusual feelings flying in and out. Plus i am frightened about what on earth is going on within me and how i can best manage this in the future.

Before i controlled everything that happened in my life. Now i almost feel out of control. i know i need to find a middle ground, but in the middle of that is my desire to submit and to give up control. In the midst of some kind of stressor it feels like my whole self goes into a crisis and it is very very odd.

Then and now

It has only been 6 weeks since Graeme and i got together, but already i know that the submissive i was with S is a pole apart from the one i am right now. Even taking account of the last few months when submission wasn’t much more than a bedroom game, this feels much more serious.

During that first year, everyone in blogland was writing their 30 days of submission. i did too, it gave me a way of posting regularly, even when there wasn’t so much to say, but it also helped me think about the kind of submissive i was and what it meant to me. Reading back i can see that i had so much to learn, but also that i was just brushing the surface of me and my submissive self.

At that time submission was symbolic. It was about me kneeling when i arrived at his house, about the collar he put on me and it was about the way in which he took my body. It was less about the deep  desire within me to be owned and possessed by another. It was definitely not about feeling that deep connection. That doesn’t make what i wrote wrong, it wasn’t that i didn’t know what i felt, or that i didn’t feel i was submitting to S but it is useful for me to recognise how differently i feel today.

A few weeks ago, i talked about Graeme’s request that i speak in the second person when submitting. At the time it seemed quite a task, indeed almost impossible. It turns out that not only is it pretty easy once you get your head around it, but that actually doing so helps me get my head into the right place. Even during times of stress, even when i am at work. Dare i say i have even begun to think about myself as she, or girl or even slut in my own thoughts and i am also thinking of Him as Sir and even saying it.

This time calling someone Sir has a different meaning. To do so means i acknowledge His Dominance and my submission. Not just in a symbolic way.

To give yourself totally to another, involves an immense amount of trust. The act of submission during sex is less difficult for me than at other times. During sex, i can just let my self go and let the slut inside me symbolic way.

To begin with it was when we were doing ordinary things together that i found it hard to continue to be submissive. Seeking to take control of situations when there was no need. Increasingly not only don’t i need to do this but actually i don’t want to. So much so that sometimes choosing things off a menu for myself seems too much bother. Last weekend we went off to a museum in London, he said it was a surprise so he wouldn’t tell me where we were going. This involved both train and bus journeys and then a short walk. In the past i would have been beside myself at the prospect of firstly not having a say in what we were doing, but also in not really knowing where we were off to or how we would arrive. Trusting another person to take you on an outing seems pretty straight forward, but what if you have always been the one who organised everything? Of course S took me places and i wasn’t always so sure of how i would arrive since he knew the area and i didn’t, but i always had some sense of control, which i tended to retain. Now, i feel ready to give that kind of thing up.

Making decisions about my life and how i live it has always been a major thing for me. Pretty much without exception that is what i do. But what if i didn’t always do that? What if i didn’t always know best what was good for me and gave some of that over to another, how would that feel? Would i be worried or frightened, or actually would i feel liberated. Since i have often worried before making decisions and then agonised over whether they were right for me, maybe it wouldn’t be quite so difficult.

Only time will tell. All i do know is that then was then and now is now, and something in me has changed. And for the better.

Acknowledging those difficult feelings

In many ways right now,  i am struggling to cope with the feelings that i have allowed seem to emerge from me.

For so long, i have been the strong person, the one who busies herself for so much of the time; managing everyone’s lives, controlling, doing things for people. By giving in acknowledging my submission in this way and by seeking to change the way i live my life, difficult and often unwanted feelings are breaking through.

i am happy to be seeing Graeme and to be experiencing the wonderful feelings that go with that. But i am truly sad about the loss of my relationship with hubby. Knowing it is the right thing to do and acknowledging that i no longer love him does not make it easy. This is an area i continue to need to take control in and as i give up that control in other areas that takes immense energy.

i am excited about going away on holiday next week, partly because i need the break and love to go to France, but also because Graeme is coming with me and that will be so much fun. On the other hand i am nervous about the reaction of his other love, which i suspect might not be so positive. She and i are chatting more and while in the future we will probably be friends, understandably our feelings for each other err more on the side of jealousy in relation to what each of us has with Him.

It is a long time since i have felt jealous of anyone else in the context of love and relationships. Probably since my hubby had his affair when my son was a baby. But i do acknowledge that is what i feel. The fear i have of being abandoned, of being second best, of some how being excluded from something i want are all part of the jealousy i feel. Plus that jealousy is wrapped up in the loss i currently feel for my marriage. The happiness of others seems all the more prevalent when you feel as i do.

Other feelings include anxiety and uncertainty about the future. Can i really break free and form my own life? Will people continue to support me or will they turn against me? Can i continue to be strong when i need to be or will i just turn into a wreck?

Its not that i think anything bad will really happen to me, it is just that by acknowledging how i feel causes me to lose more of the self control i have so jealously guarded.

i need to go through this difficult time to become the person i want to be and to live my life in the way i need to. But that doesn’t make it easy. And yes, i have lots of support. But at times i still feel completely alone.

Postscript September 2018

This was written within weeks of us getting together in 2014. I am struck by my honesty about the jealous feelings already emerging in me. In hindsight they were driven by the other woman and led to the end of their relationship. I am also interested to note that I was upset about the end of my marriage. I think I was facing the reality that there was no turning back. Perhaps I already knew that this relationship with Graeme was different. 

Cock worship

It would be true to say that if someone had asked me two years ago if i was someone who found worshipping a man’s cock an attractive prospect, i would have laughed in their face.

This was before i realised what an amazing organ the right cock is, especially when your body has been owned by another and it is expected that you give that body up to the desires of your man.
I learned a lot in my previous relationship. He taught me how to suck his cock in the way he wanted, to recognise that it was not my need that was important but that He was the important one. While He used my mouth quite a bit, actually He used my cunt and arse more. But it is true he helped me well on the way to being a cock worshipping slut. 
The relationship i have now is a little different. The key thing is that Graeme is so receptive to the things i do for Him. He has taught me the things He likes and since i like to please i have set about to do them. The more i touch and suck His cock in the way he wants, the more i show just how much i am growing to love His cock the more he feels aroused by the way in which i do and in turn the more i want to worship it.
The first thing i did was to hand over control of my body to Graeme. This was not hard, since i don’t have anyone else to give it to, other than to retain it for myself, and where is the fun in that? While it can be enjoyable to keep your orgasms for yourself it is more fulfilling to give them away to another, plus with that comes ownership of more of your body.
So i willingly gave up His ownership of all of my body to Him and i definitely don’t regret it. With it comes lots of touching of His body, including in public as well as a great deal of penetration. With both of those comes orgasms, provided and given back to him in a variety of ways and with subtly different feelings for me (all good). The best part though is that i am now able to worship a cock that i love. 
It is hard to describe why and how this is different for me. It is not about size or shape, nor is it about who gave me the better time as each time is good in its own way.
But this is about knowing that This Man at this time appreciates the way in which i care for Him. It is about knowing that He likes the things my mouth can do for Him. The more He lets me know that He appreciates the way i love His cock then the more i want to worship it. 
So, while cock worship is about the feel, the smell, the taste of Him, it is also about what that worship does and for me, that goes to the heart of my submission. Something i have written about here today, as i approach the end of the second year of my journey.

The importance of reflection

During the 90’s and early 00’s nursing was obsessed with the process of how nurses were able to refect on their practise. Models of reflection were developed by the great and the good, and put into practice by people like me – practising nurses, educationalists, managers (I have been all 3 at some time or other). I have used reflection as part of the process of clinical supervision and of action learning (my masters dissertation was on action learning), and have studied and been part of their practice. This is all about the process of learning from your actions, not making the same mistakes again, or else saying that went well and this is how I would do that again. At work, these processes are now ingrained in me. The psychometric tests you can take for education and practise seem to suggest I am not naturally reflective, instead I like to get in there and do and think about it all later – reflection in action rather than reflection on action (see it is all coming back to me).

However, at work I have learned to do both, to act quickly and think about what I am doing at the time and afterwards as well as consider the task in hand, think about how I have done that task before (or something similar) and then to act. I have learned, even in the context of nursing to do that. Now of course, I don’t practice as a nurse as such and pretty much nothing I do is in any way an emergency (except to some person from the Department of Health or other similar self important organisations). 
At home though I am different. I often (very often) forget the way I am at work and I react. I rush to do things, say things, without thought in a way I never would at home. Someone at home says jump, I say how high (kind of thing). I see a need and I have tried to meet that need without thought. I often don’t even think later that I can do it differently (or if I do, I don’t make changes to my practise so that I do it differently next time). So I get stuck in a cycle of doing things the same way, for the same people, time and time again even though I know that doing so makes me miserable. 
There are things I do for my husband, when he is here, that fall into the category – does them for him and never learns she shouldn’t nor does she help him do them for himself.
For 2 or 3 days each week he comes home for a nice rest. He has been to work and is tired. I have been to work and am tired. But I am the one running around doing everything and he is on the sofa chilling out with a drink, watching TV. I cook dinner, clear up, load the dishwasher, pick up any other chores that need attending to (say washing and ironing) and he does nothing.
During last night’s conversation with Graeme we discussed some of the above (though not the theory bit), and I came to the conclusion I need to change this. I need not to give hubby a comfortable place to be. He needs to find his own comfortable place and at the same time pick up his own chores. I have told him recently that I am not his mother and cannot act like one. I really need now to make my actions match my words. 
Reflection on action has taken place, heck I even reflect at times while I do things for him, now I need to change my practice. 
The reflection on / in action theory is from Donald schön 1983, 1987

………………………………
Linked to this is the way in which I go into nurse mode when people start to tell me something of what is worrying or challenging them. My desire to help and to problem solve, can if I don’t control it take over. Over time, I have got better at listening, at reflecting back and helping people make their own choices. There are still times though when this doesn’t happen.
The other evening I completely dropped my submissive self and the nurse in me took over when it was neither needed or wanted. No one was about to die, so it wasn’t that I needed to jump into nurse like action. 
If I want to be the person I think I do then this part of me must change, particularly in relation to the man who is the Dominant. I have reflected on the action of this one and now need to make it happen at the time – in action. What a journey I find myself on!!

New day

Isn’t it odd that on one day we can feel so down and almost despondent and the next, pretty much on top of the world. Well maybe not on top, since today is a working day – Friday – but there is lots to look forward to. Plus the self doubts of yesterday have receded. Mainly due to communication with those who are important.

In the past, when I have felt down, I have tended to bottle my feelings, to keep them within. Then usually I have been able to keep them under the surface. Right now though, everything is surfacing at once. So conversations about Graeme’s other relationship some how trigger anxieties in me about totally unrelated but quite similar things. I am gripped with self doubt and a now deep feeling that I will give up control and then be abandoned.

These thoughts are unnecessary even in the context of a potentially unconventional relationship in the longer term.

Now though I have some strategies. I have recognised the need for some external help to deal with my feelings around the ending of my marriage and how to deal with the fall out. This is an area where  I so wish I could give control to another, but know that it can’t be so.

Tonight I have a night out with a friend who has been a great source of support throughout the past year or so as I move through this part of my journey. She is a person who is clear about some of the things I should be doing to get to the place I want and need to be. She has no idea of my kinky side, but believes I need and deserve so much more than I have had.

Then tomorrow afternoon, evening and night, time with Graeme. Time to re discover my submission and to worship Him in the way i know he wishes me to and i have that deem need for. Time to shake off the doubts and just enjoy Him.

Feelings

The happiness I have been feeling for the past few weeks will not last. The reality is that for both of us, what we have is a gap filler. For me, it hopefully helps me finally end the relationship I have been in for all these years but which if I let it would slowly destroy me. For him it is until he is with the person he loves.

These may be things we choose to forget when we are playing, when we are walking hand in hand, eating a meal or when he is owning part of my body. I have willingly given that body to him, but it is not a forever thing.

The question for me is, how do I make sure that I don’t get myself hurt too badly?  I need this relationship with him, and I think he does with me. We are good together and we make each other happy.

But I am anxious. I am wary and I am a little bit scared.

I need something that he won’t be able to give me, though for now that probably doesn’t matter. It does worry me however that after this is over, I will have to pick myself up again and move on.

Dramatic, self centred, selfish? Yes. But since I have started to think about me, that is how I am.

I have realised that where I felt I could manage this thing on my own, I now realise I probably need some outside help to manage my feelings and my anxieties about the future.

More of Fiona’s questions

For post 250 of my blog it is time i answered Fiona’s extra questions:

She wanted to know what Graeme most likes about playing with me.  Unfortunately i got the question slightly wrong when i asked his opinion and asked him which implement he most likes to use on me. 
His answer is the violet wand.
What an amazing thing that is. Who knew that you could be turned on by different gadgets on the end of an electric current like that? He loves my reaction to it, particularly on my nipples and clit (where else). As far as i understand this is not a gadget that is right for all, but it definitely is good for me, especially near the beginning of a session. i think it probably starts the process as i move into sub space.
Question 2 is about what he thinks about my blog. 
I was open about it from the beginning and didn’t want him finding it by accident. What he says about it is that it tells him about me. It tells him about my journey and about what i have thought about the different things i have done along the way.
He sees it as an important part of our continuing journey as a place i can talk about how i feel about things and a place i might say things that i can’t tell him. So far that hasn’t happened, but it is a distinct possibility that it will.
He is clear that i am free to say whatever i want here. But we have discussed that it needs to be a place for me to explain me, and as such won’t be about me bragging about the wonderful sex i have had. Of course, that might well come through.
I see this blog as a place i will now consider my increasingly submissive self and the relationship Graeme and i have together. It will also be about the other parts of our lives, His other relationship and mine.
As i mentioned earlier i am about to (on 1st April) enter year 3 of this journey. i have to admit that this is an exciting time for us both and one which i intend to continue to describe here.