Parallel thinking

Something funny is going on in my brain, in my subconscious. I keep finding myself thinking and even dreaming things where I convince myself that the changes that need to happen in my life have already happened. This morning I woke from the most amazing sleep thinking that I had told hubby about Graeme and he was fine about it. Then I remembered I hadn’t and he wouldn’t be if I did.

He has however thought about some of the other things I have told him about including the family night out and admitted that 1) it isn’t my fault and 2) if he doesn’t show his face around them for 6 months (or more) he can’t be expected to be invited to join them. Perhaps also he is beginning to acknowledge that my decisions about our relationship aren’t because he has done something specifically but because my feelings for him changed sometime in the last 30 years.

Graeme and I talked about the fact I have the 30 year anniversary thing looming in June and my need to take decisive action pretty soon.

We also talked about my not hiding Graeme away from my son for example, but instead starting to be more open and honest with people.

These are big steps for me. I have told people only parts of the truth for so long that it has become second nature. But if I really want my life to change then it is time to be completely open with people. I have the propensity to try to protect them and of course me from the consequences but actually I am dealing with adults here and they need to be able to deal with reality, as must I.

Sometimes I am scared by how fast my brain is moving things along, but then on days like today when I am feeling good, I realise this is how it needs to be.

Over the next few days I am going to be doing some great things, including the family do tomorrow night and some fun things out and about with Graeme. This morning it is not just that I am imagining good things but they are a reality!

This will be random

I have a category on my tag cloud for random thoughts and this will fall into that arena. It is not long after 5.30am and how else can you approach writing something at this time?

There seems to have been a sea change in my attitude to hubby. I am at long long last holding my line and not taking all of the self pity that usually lands up with me feeling guilty. He is sad and miserable, he is lonely. But he is 55 years old, he has to take control of his life.

He was out last night and has just left after the usual procedure – drive from where he was, change for work, pick up sandwiches, spend half an hour lying in / on the marital bed and then leave. Yesterday I managed to ignore him sufficiently that I woke up when my alarm went off. This morning, no. As is usual during the week at the moment I am now going to struggle to activate my brain by 9am.

This week I have a family night out. My family. We are doing something special that my dad whose cancer is now palliative (you might say terminal) wants to do. It is a bucket list thing. Hubby is not invited. In my own opinion, I am handling this better than usual. I am not changing the booking and I am not going to endure what would be an uncomfortable evening for the sake of him. It is my dad’s night out and in his view hubby has not been a very good husband / son in law lately. He knows that I have been a bad girl (not how bad obviously) but still I am his daughter. Hubby and I have discussed the issue this morning and he knows the position that has been taken.

The truth is blatant to me though. It doesn’t matter to me any more what hubby wants. If I don’t want it, or someone special doesn’t want it, then that is the end of the matter.

My life is rapidly moving on after a long time of allowing it to tread water. I told myself weeks ago that I would move things along once my job was permanent. Funny how that coincided with meeting Graeme.

Speaking of Graeme, he comes here to read what I say regularly. We have discussed quite a lot of my previous posts and general ramblings. We will no doubt discuss this later. The question in my mind right now and something to discuss is whether I tell hubby sooner rather than later that I am seeing someone. I thought before no, after all it is kind of early days. But is it? We have seen a lot of each other all ready, spent many hours together in person and talking on yahoo. I don’t think he and I are going our separate ways any day soon.

So this morning, slightly less cheery. But the soft glow of the weekend still surrounds me. The promise of more to come keeps me going. Finally I feel in control of the part of my life that needs me to control it and I am learning to give up the part that I want to give to another.

This is early, this is random but maybe my brain is geared up more than I thought.

Time for coffee….

Subspace

The past 24 hours have been quite intensive. This is not so  much about the way in which we played yesterday, though the different stimuli that I was exposed to certainly added to the overall effect. I am learning a bit about pain in different areas of my body and how that affects my levels of arousal and I am giving  myself up to Him more quickly and totally dying play. During that session there was cock worship, there was spanking with various implements, and there was ‘the zipper’ (lots of pegs on my pussy this time which are at an opportune moment quickly pulled off all at once). There was also the violet wand which I both love and hate as the electrical stimulations are painful but in a very erotic way. There were nipple clamps, there was the bit in my mouth and as always there was the hitachi. There was sex too, particularly the anal sex which always has an effect on my emotional state. But also there was lots of touching – Him touching my body and me his.

When we sat down to dinner, which Graeme had cooked for us at home, it was clear that i was still in that special place that subs go. I was floaty and felt really really good. I was vague and not really able to speak much and when i knocked some of the contents of my glass of champagne across the room it was pretty clear my coordination was shot too. There was no doubt that the whole of last evening I was pretty much in subspace and whats more I was essentially still there at midday today!

My previous experiences with subspace have been much more short lasting, perhaps an hour after play that gives you a lovely feeling. I have definitely felt the drop much more than the actual subspace and I have never quite felt like I did last night and this morning.

The whole evening, after dinner when we were snuggled on the sofa, me wearing his shirt as I had since I arrived He spent stroking me, kissing me and playing with my tits. We had some quite intense conversation and we also had some much more light hearted time as we listened to music. In all it just felt like a close, fun but intimate time.

In bed, while we both slept relatively well, I was always aware of him, his hands often on my breasts. Then this morning there was lots of touching and for me a number of intense orgasms.

I suppose that it was the play at the beginning, and the intensity of emotion from that and the anal sex. It was the constant stimulation and the time we spent just being close that sent me into that place.  It was also a place it was good to go to at this time, with the stresses of last week at home often ever present.

Life is about new experiences and this is definitely one for me. Made all the better by the care and attention received. Now I have eaten a good meal, spent some time recovering and finally have come home to sit on my own sofa I am beginning to feel a little more like my usual self.

My usual self that is with a little fuzziness around the edges and that feeling I will enjoy while it lasts.

Sore feet

We must have walked miles. Well who knows if we really did, but around the streets of the City of London it seemed quite a long way. My boots which, suited my skirt and were comfortable in the morning were much less so by the time we sat down to eat. He took me around some of the wonderful and very beautiful buildings that I had never visited before, we walked and we talked. He took me to two very historical pubs and we stood (standing room only on a Friday evening), talked and he groped me.

The slut in me loves to be groped in a public place. It really excites me, perhaps it shouldn’t? But having someone to stand (or sit) with and to share intimate moments is just so nice.
I think I have too much to say, sometimes I think I speak for the sake of it. He is getting good at shutting me up and kissing me when that happens. At other times though I am content to just look at him and smile. 
He wanted time for us away from bed, from play. We had that last night. Doing things together feels easy and fun. It feels intimate and helps with the connection for later.
On the way home I communicated with S. He wanted to talk to me and I thought there was something wrong. At home, even though it was late, I skyped with S, who just wanted to know how it was going and to check out that things were as good as I had written here. They are and I told him so. Of course he could see it written in my face.
Immediately I came off of the Skype call, I felt I had somehow let Graeme down. I felt I had spoiled our intimacy by linking up with S like that. He told me he wasn’t upset, but I was. Upset with myself because actually that was what I was feeling.
For a woman of my age, it feels I have so much to learn about relationships and how to manage them. My tendency to want to please everyone leads me to find the one person who is not as happy as they could be, to be me. 
I haven’t slept as well as I thought I would, and have been awake early. Partly this is my sore feet which I will soon soak with the rest of me in the bath. But also the feeling that I spoiled the intimacy with Graeme last night and caused my mind to be far more active than it needed to be. 
The good thing is though that I will be with Graeme again later and have the chance to make it up to him, even if he feels I have done nothing wrong. The chance also to make it up to myself.

Postscript:

Ok, so no one was upset with anyone and so this is all about me over analysing. Just got to work out how NOT to do that!!

Connection and worship

Last night I asked New Dom what I should call him here. We discussed Gadget Man, but I know he wasn’t keen on that in the first instance and any way he is way more than his various toys. So we have settled on my calling him Graeme, which as it happens is his name.

We discussed our connection. New as it is, it is also quite intense. He was a little worried, having read comments here that he was taking me further than I have been before very quickly. I have reassured him that I am ready for that and am happy with how things are. What we are doing together feels right for both of us and I have no desire right now to do things any differently. We talked about our next play time and also some time to just be together which will hopefully be tomorrow after work.

Graeme is quite interested in the CWS blogging area and in cock worship generally. He has read my blog on the subject, and no doubt had a look on Spanky’s blog of the same name. I am really sad that Spanky is closing things down, though I understand his reasons and agree that our posts belong on our own blogs anyway.

Having a new cock to worship is something I am enjoying as part of this new relationship. I haven’t exactly worshipped very many (well one other) and generally he taught me to worship his in the way he wanted. The great thing now is that I get to adapt that style to a new man and he can get me doing what he wants. Feels like a win win on all sides.

Most of all though I am getting to explore new aspects of my submission, I am getting to connect with Graeme regularly and to see him often. We both have needs which require satisfying and it seems that I have found the right person to do so with. What are the chances of managing this twice in a row?

Sometimes you just have to take what life offers and if that offers the opportunity for part of you to be owned by another and for you to be able to worship part of them – well  – Let it be (as some 60’s pop group once said)!

Photo from Black and White Erotic Images

Last word on this for now

I am not going to turn this blog into some kind of place where I moan about my husband (again). But this morning I am going to say a couple of things about last night.

There are some things about him that really irritate me now:

His inability to get that this is not about him or really anything he has ever done but about me and a decision I have made. I don’t want to listen to his self pity.

It has been a year and I have said the same things for pretty much all of that year, yet it was like I had never said them before.

I do like him, I do care about him, despite what he says. I just don’t love him as I did / feel I should if I am to remain his wife. What is more, I don’t want to be that person any longer. I want to be me.

He wants to live as friends, but friends are there for each other, the relationship can’t be one sided; there has to be give and take. I can’t be friends with someone who only takes.

I can’t live with a man any longer who is essentially submissive unless he is manipulating me, at which point there is a battle to see who submits first. When it becomes about who has more power than who. We all have our weaknesses, we all need help, care and consideration. But in the end everyone has to help themselves.

I am not his mother or his sister. I already have a son and siblings. I can’t be that person to him any longer.

………………………………………
So, if I thought he would pack his stuff, wave a cheery goodbye and leave, I was mistaken. Of course I didn’t even dream that would happen and of course it didn’t.
What I got was pacing, crying and self pity. What I also got was excuses about his own behaviour and  choices. He is a 55 year old man but his actions were more that of a teenager who can’t get his own way.
I stayed calm and reasoned – scarily so. Calm but compassionate (I think).
But not once did I back down and so I know in my heart (even if my instinct is try to make everything alright again) that this is the right thing. For me now and in the long run for us both.
I am a step forward, but god knows this feels like a very very long path.
Tomorrow I am going to concentrate once again on something pleasant, sexy, kinky and all together more pleasant. New Dom is giving me great support in this and I want to concentrate on some of the other things he has been giving me!

Irritated

What I want to be thinking about and writing about here is the hot time I had at the weekend. I have much more to say about that yet as I analyse my thoughts and feelings along with actually writing something a little factual (or my version of it).

But what I have to think about is that (now reasonably small) part of my life that focuses on my marriage.

He was out again last night. This was a good thing as New Dom (got to think of a name to call him) and I got to chat. He isn’t telling me what to do or say, but he was good at getting me to articulate some of the behaviours which may help or antagonise the situation.

Hubby arrived home again this morning, early. 4.40 to be precise (there is a clock by the bed). I was sleeping so so well after the lovely orgasm I was given (he insisted but I asked anyway). I think hubby must have known I was awake, but I didn’t speak, fearful that I would say something now, cause a scene. What I was feeling though was – I don’t want this. What I was thinking was – please don’t lay down next to me. He did lie down, but respected my silence and was gone by 5.30.

So tonight is the night. There is a window of opportunity when my son is out playing football. I will be calm, I will be measured and I will plan what I will say. God knows I have thought about it enough. I won’t shout (please let me maintain that one), I won’t get angry.

I am clear about what I want. It isn’t about any relationship I may or not be having. It is about having the freedom to seek the life I want in the way I want it. It is about opportunities to do new things in different ways that I know he doesn’t seek, want or whatever. New things that I am no longer sorry to say I don’t want to seek with him.

The journey to here started many years ago. A young husband unfaithful to his pregnant wife. A young woman left alone for weeks on end with a young child. Denial of the realities, fear of being alone. A fight for possession of a man who I probably didn’t want then, 20 years ago. The events of the past 2 years are part of this journey, but they are not the whole thing.

On the radio while I was typing this – Oasis, Whatever – with the lyrics – Free to do whatever I , to be whatever  you to be wherever you (I paraphrase) – I think that is today’s theme – Free to be whatever I choose, Free to be wherever I want, whatever I want.

If I get any doubts this evening this is the date that most recently springs to mind when I knew change must take place. Joolz – remember how you felt on this day!

This week

I am going to write this while the thoughts are fresh in my mind. Before I talk myself out of it. I am writing it here, because once it is here I won’t be able to pretend it isn’t what I decided and and what I should do.

At 4.30am this morning hubby walked into the bedroom to collect his clothes for work. Last week, I left them downstairs, but he still came up into the bedroom and lay on the bed for an hour before leaving. This is a man who had spent the weekend away from home, leaving on Friday and returning as this week early Monday morning. During that time there was no contact between us.

Back to this morning, he got dressed. Lay on the bed and since I was awake I spoke; just hello. In the next couple of minutes we exchanged a few words – not many from me as I was not properly awake. Then he dropped his bombshell. He uttered the words – I will be home this Saturday night. Now, I don’t know if this means all weekend, just Saturday night or what. But he hasn’t been here on a Friday, Saturday or Sunday night for months and he is usually out Mondays as well.

Something inside me clicked at that very moment. I said nothing but my mind was in over drive.

Not withstanding anything I might want to be doing next Saturday. Indeed even if I am having a quiet night on my own. I do not want this. I do not want to be with this man, spending time with him that I didn’t chose to spend.

This is the week that I must gather my strength and be honest and open. I must be clear that I want us to separate.

There I have said it.

Pain and submission

So yesterday i talked about the request from New Dom that i refer to myself in the third person while submitting. For various reasons i struggled with this yesterday. My feeling is that i find it quite difficult is because as an extrovert, i tend not to think all that much about what i say before i say it.  This is useful when i am at work, thinking on my feet. But when you are asked to change the way in which you articulate your thoughts it is quite hard. What should be easier is writing events down in the third person, indeed i have done this before. The rest of this post details my latest ‘date’ with New Dom.

………………………………..
Instructions for dress this time, were something short, high heels and no underwear. This girl for once was ahead of the game. She had already chosen a new short dress to wear that morning, though with jeans. There was little effort involved in removing the underwear, exchanging boots for shoes and taking off her jeans.In fact the jeans were removed at the very last minute and slipped into girl’s bag. She slipped on her shoes and then her coat which barely covered the dress or indeed her bare arse and walked to her car, parked on the driveway. She was relieved that no neighbours appeared to be loitering outside!
The journey took around 35 minutes, but this girl had to concentrate a little more as firstly it was very windy and secondly she wasn’t used to driving in her heels.
Before any play was to take place, this girl was going to get a chance to chat to New Dom’s slave. As mentioned previously, this conversation was necessary for both subs so that they could be clear about slave’s willingness for this arrangement to go ahead. First He spoke and then this girl was in the hot seat. This girl can’t pretend she wasn’t nervous about what might be said, but in the event she need not have worried. It seems pretty clear that both subs are going to get on well and that this girl has permission to give New Dom the service he needs right now. How this pans out into the future can’t be known at the moment but lets just say there are no restrictions on how this girl and He should proceed.
Relieved at the outcome this girl was only too pleased to go with Sir to the playroom. What happened over the next couple of hours is a bit of a blur. Not just because girl was blindfolded and gagged but because of the sensations that passed through her body at an alarming rate. Nipple play was pretty much first, clamped and then with pegs attached to her breasts. Apparently this girl has very firm breasts (well she knows she does of course, but He told her they were firm), probably making it quite difficult to get purchase on the pegs. Already she had a bug plug in place, but then there was a vibe in her cunt and He busied himself with the electric wand thing. before she knew where she was, this girl was had the hitachi on her clit and very soon she had the most amazing orgasm.  This orgasm was demanded and was forced on her. The sensation of this was beyond description.At some point, before or after this the pegs were pulled off using some kind of system He had set up. Nipple pain and pleasure is something that this girl can’t get enough of.  Sir is already spending time torturing this girls nipples and using this to demand orgasm. Nipple pleasure for this girl causes submission. That is pretty much beyond debate.
Events are sounding so vague now, that this girl thinks she might even ask Sir to list the order of play so she can get it down here in the right order! Given that he has taken to reading this blog, i am sure He and girl will discuss this and probably have something of a laugh about it!
What this girl does know is that next, she was then on her tummy, legs spread using the spreader bar and she was subjected to more pain than she had experienced before. Firstly S wasn’t massively into pain and secondly this Sir has far more in the way of objects with which to inflict pain. The implements used are kind of irrelevant, what is important is that this girl discovered what she probably knew all along – she is one hell of a pain slut.
During pretty much all of this, girl was either gagged or too deeply in her place to speak and so had no trouble with speaking in the third person. Hell she was happy to just groan and cry out as appropriate.
Later though Sir and his slut lay together kissing and stroking each other. This girl then proceeded to drift in and out of submission. She had much more difficulty speaking in the required way when she drifted out than when He touched or inflicted pain on her in some way that brought her back to a place where he wanted her. When He pointed this out to her, she came up with her thoughts about being extrovert.
This girl has reflected on this since and thinks that she will just need to get her head around it or else just shut up and allow herself to remain in submission for longer rather than fighting it all of the time. Of course, this girl has lots to say, most of the time, so this is going to be a hard enough task of its own, let alone actually trying not to use words such as ‘I’ or ‘me’.
The act of submission for joolz is something that she is thinking about a lot these days. This task is difficult for her, but there is no doubt that success will lead her towards her goal of being much more the submissive that she would like and that Her Dom demands.
…………………………..
There is much more to this ‘date’, but that will come tomorrow.

This girl

New Dom would like me to refer to myself in the third person when i am in submissive role. He feels it will help me to explore my submission more and to hand more of myself to him (or something like that). At the same time i will call him Sir or Master, or as a further suggestion Lord. I nearly fell off my chair at that one and he wondered if i was being a little bratty! i expect i was, but i think that this girl will call Him Sir or Master rather than Lord!

If there is one thing that i know, it is that it will take me a while to get used to referring to myself in a whole new way. i know there are others on who do so as a matter of course, but for me this is new. But as ever i am up for a challenge and so i will be doing that today when he and i are together. Then when i right about it tomorrow i will give the whole third person a whirl here.

We are planning a longer time together this afternoon and evening and dinner will be involved, maybe i won’t emerge again until tomorrow, who knows. I am expecting some new things today, but i don’t know what he is planning and like the slight edge of the unknown anyway.

He has also decided to read my blog, to find out more about me, he says. i have nothing to hide, so i am happy for him to do that.  He says that what he has read so far is interesting!

The main complication to all this is his lady who is far away. She is anxious about the relationship He and i are developing, but i am hoping to chat to her today. I have no wish to get between them and would walk away if i had to. I think though that this is something he needs and to be selfish here, so do i right now. He and i have a connection, one that i didn’t expect. But i am not letting emotions get in the way too much, since i have been hurt before. Therefore this girl will take every day as it comes and enjoy what she can. You can’t do more than that can you?