It seems that my life has become one of twists and turns. I feel like I have set out on a journey without actually knowing the destination. It is like one day, I got up and thought: “do you know what? I have some spare time, so I am going off on a trip and will just see where I end up”. For the most part it has been fun, it has certainly been full of discovery and of adventure. But just recently I keep coming to some very hazardous places. Sometimes the road appears to have subsided and I am in danger of disappearing into a deep deep hole. At other times I find I am at a dead end. What is more, even though I thought I had journeyed for miles and miles, I find that actually I am still in sight of the start point and still don’t know where my destination is!

It is a year on Monday since I had my first online conversation with my Sir. We clicked almost immediately and I knew I had met someone who I wanted to get to know. We chatted over the next few days online and on the phone and within a couple of weeks we had met in person. When I ask myself if it has been worth it and if I would do this again, I am clear that I would.

Meeting Sir has changed my life for ever. Without him I would never have explored this new world, I probably wouldn’t have discovered how fulfilling sex can be or some of the things I now find I love (and sometimes love to hate). Without him I wouldn’t have explored a side to myself that I didn’t even know I was keeping hidden. Without him I wouldn’t have realised that dominance doesn’t mean being treated as some kind of door mat. I wouldn’t have discovered that submission can be fulfilling and can release you from the pressures of real life.

Actually a year ago, I didn’t really know that I was submissive. I can be quite a scary person to people who don’t know me well. But actually this year has been one of massive self discovery. When I started this journey, I thought that the submissive things was just about submitting in the bedroom. I thought BDSM was about pain, restraint, humiliation etc etc. We to a certain extent I was right, but I have discovered they are about so, so much more. 

I have made new friends, online and in real life. I have begun to learn to express myself – on here and in life too. I find that I can write about my thoughts and feelings but also I can talk to my Sir about myself and my needs in a way I didn’t know possible.

I don’t know why it is that I am so inhibited with my husband of 30 years. He is demanding an explanation. But I can’t explain something I don’t understand. I never intended to hurt him, but I suppose if I had thought about it before I set off a year ago, I would have realised that it was inevitable that I would.

I love to come here and to write about the great things Sir and I do together and I also find it therapeutic  to write about the more difficult aspects of life. For that reason I won’t give up this blog.

Part of me thinks that I should make it for invited people only, like some kind of exclusive club. I write mainly for myself anyway so perhaps it doesn’t matter if it is open or closed. But I know from experience that it gets complicated to have to people only arriving by invite. I am going to try opening it up when I know that hubby is unlikely to look and keeping it closed the rest of the time. I will see how things go.

I am almost at the stage when I wonder if it matters what he reads about me. In a way, it might help him. Well it would if he read the bits where I describe my feelings rather than the sexy parts. But that is rather too much to hope for since he thinks all of this is about sex!

9 thoughts on “Thoughts and feelings”

  1. If you do it by invite only please allow me to continue to read. See that is the biggest thing we learn that this lifestyle isn't actually about the sex although that is a great bonus. It is actually about merging as a couple in every aspect.

  2. Perhaps treating this as a way to communicate with your husband might help you both. I can hear that you haven't got much faith in that occurring, but maybe he will come to know you better through reading here. If that happened, and the conversational dynamic happened, would it be a bad thing?


  3. Joolz I believe that you and Jake's blogs along with a couple of others have helped my marriage a bunch. I would hate to see you go for you has much has for my wife and I By going invite you will eliminate some of the comments thus eliminating the interaction with this small community. I am sure this has all crossed your mind. But having said that i do agree with your response to sue I find that I really have to watch myself not to be like your husband in this regard (I wounder if I am has good at it has I think). Thank you for the wake up call.

  4. Yes I think that in theory you are right. Trouble is, that from the conversations we had last night, he has a tendency to pick out the bits he thinks are significant and to use those to drive home his perception of reality. Having said that, any conversation is progress of some kind.

  5. Joolz,

    I know it's hard to figure it all out. I wish there were a crystal ball to know what is best. You could also move published posts that are completely sexy in nature…"revert to draft." This will maintain the content and the comments, but remove them from public visibility.

    Good luck.


  6. Joolz, I wonder the same thing as you do. I wonder if it's not better for your husband to be able to read the thoughts you express here. Perhaps it would help him to better understand, and act as another means of communication between you two.

    Of course, I'm biased, because I enjoy reading your posts and following your adventures, and I'd miss them if you had to hide your blog!

    Whatever you decide, I hope all works out well for you.

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