The main reason I come here to write, to blog was to find a place to articulate my inner thoughts and feelings. I do this for myself, so that I can say things that can’t be said out loud or to test out how I feel. A brilliant by product is that people stop by, and sometimes they tell me their thoughts on what I have said.
It is generally more difficult to speak about things that are essentially secret to people in real life. One of hubby’s biggest gripes with me is that he feels I keep secrets from him. Of course I do. Since this side of my life doesn’t include him, what is more I don’t want it to. This is about me and it is about me and Sir. Increasingly he asks me questions about the relationship with Sir. But I don’t want him to know or to share that relationship with him. I know that people who are married should share and not have secrets, but the way we are heading I am not sure we will be married for ever.
One of the reasons we find ourselves in this situation is because of our inability to communicate with each other about important things over the years. This has led to both of us bottling up our thoughts and feelings and this is definitely unhealthy. This blog and the people I have met through my exploration of this different dynamic (D/s), have led me to be more open with my thoughts and feelings. Some of those people, of course I don’t know in real life, but some I do. I would even go as far as to say that I have had more, and deeper conversations with Sir over this past year than I have with hubby in many years of marriage. I guess that has something to do with the nature of what we do together and perhaps also because we met each other later in life. We also met at a time when we had a need for each other and needed to find another person to open up to.
Suddenly though I feel able to open up more to others, people who I have known for longer. Today I had lunch with a work colleague who I get on really well with and who I knew would be a good confident, someone else I have the potential to become food friends with (given that, as I said the other day, that I have few actual friends). While I told her nothing of the D/s side of things I did tell her about what has happened with hubby and me. I articulated my feelings in a way that I might have been unable to in the past. What was interesting to me was that she confirmed what I know, which is that even considering all that I am going through (with work and home issues) I seem to be happier than she remembers me being in a long time. That is because I am and I think that is because this whole thing is about me and for the first time I am discovering what makes me happy!