Thoughts and feelings

It seems that my life has become one of twists and turns. I feel like I have set out on a journey without actually knowing the destination. It is like one day, I got up and thought: “do you know what? I have some spare time, so I am going off on a trip and will just see where I end up”. For the most part it has been fun, it has certainly been full of discovery and of adventure. But just recently I keep coming to some very hazardous places. Sometimes the road appears to have subsided and I am in danger of disappearing into a deep deep hole. At other times I find I am at a dead end. What is more, even though I thought I had journeyed for miles and miles, I find that actually I am still in sight of the start point and still don’t know where my destination is!

It is a year on Monday since I had my first online conversation with my Sir. We clicked almost immediately and I knew I had met someone who I wanted to get to know. We chatted over the next few days online and on the phone and within a couple of weeks we had met in person. When I ask myself if it has been worth it and if I would do this again, I am clear that I would.

Meeting Sir has changed my life for ever. Without him I would never have explored this new world, I probably wouldn’t have discovered how fulfilling sex can be or some of the things I now find I love (and sometimes love to hate). Without him I wouldn’t have explored a side to myself that I didn’t even know I was keeping hidden. Without him I wouldn’t have realised that dominance doesn’t mean being treated as some kind of door mat. I wouldn’t have discovered that submission can be fulfilling and can release you from the pressures of real life.

Actually a year ago, I didn’t really know that I was submissive. I can be quite a scary person to people who don’t know me well. But actually this year has been one of massive self discovery. When I started this journey, I thought that the submissive things was just about submitting in the bedroom. I thought BDSM was about pain, restraint, humiliation etc etc. We to a certain extent I was right, but I have discovered they are about so, so much more. 

I have made new friends, online and in real life. I have begun to learn to express myself – on here and in life too. I find that I can write about my thoughts and feelings but also I can talk to my Sir about myself and my needs in a way I didn’t know possible.

I don’t know why it is that I am so inhibited with my husband of 30 years. He is demanding an explanation. But I can’t explain something I don’t understand. I never intended to hurt him, but I suppose if I had thought about it before I set off a year ago, I would have realised that it was inevitable that I would.

I love to come here and to write about the great things Sir and I do together and I also find it therapeutic  to write about the more difficult aspects of life. For that reason I won’t give up this blog.

Part of me thinks that I should make it for invited people only, like some kind of exclusive club. I write mainly for myself anyway so perhaps it doesn’t matter if it is open or closed. But I know from experience that it gets complicated to have to people only arriving by invite. I am going to try opening it up when I know that hubby is unlikely to look and keeping it closed the rest of the time. I will see how things go.

I am almost at the stage when I wonder if it matters what he reads about me. In a way, it might help him. Well it would if he read the bits where I describe my feelings rather than the sexy parts. But that is rather too much to hope for since he thinks all of this is about sex!

Got to decide what to do

Yesterday hubby found my blog. Once again, I was careless. This time I left my history on my iPad and he looked at it and found his way here. As soon as I realised what had happened, and to prevent him from reading more than he had, I stopped it being read by anyone but me and Sir. Hubby is currently away and unlikely to be near a computer. I have opened it up again for the time being, but am considering making it invite only for a while. Another alternative might be to move and rename it. Or more radically to stop writing for a while.

Bear with me while I give it some thought.

Relationships #2

I previously wrote about the relationship that I have with hubby and how I found myself wanting to explore life outside my marriage here. I didn’t actually know that I would be interested in BDSM at all, but I know I was curious and had been for years. Occasionally on tv there is a programme which gives a hint of this kind of lifestyle. Sometimes they edge more towards the factual, showing something of the power dynamic, of the kind of sex that might be involved. Or more usually they depict a version of reality, wrapped up in crime fiction and as I now know, are give just a vague acknowledgement to reality. But about a year ago, I began to read. Firstly I looked at websites – those offering information and forums, then at blogs. At the same time I began to chat online, something I have done before. This time though I attracted perhaps a different type of man. And I found it quite a thrill.

I have kind of , actually chatted online quite a bit and have also met a couple of men before. Chatting and then meeting Sir was different though. This is the first time I have met someone with the intention of having sex and what is more, knowing that the sex we had would be perhaps a little different. I knew with Sir that I was starting something very different, that there would be a power dynamic and that He would be pushing my limits. I was nervous but I had my eyes firmly open. I really wanted this.

I think know that hubby would like to do some of the things with me that I do with Sir. He would like to spank (he has spanked me a bit actually), and he loves  me to dress up. He definitely would like to explore anal, though we never discussed this until he had found my butt plug. The problem though is that I have discovered that I want to be submissive in a relationship and at best hubby is a switch. He struggles to be dominant and definitely couldn’t be dominant consistently. I don’t want to discuss limits with him, I don’t want to let him into this world that I am exploring.

This week he has stated that: ‘you are meant to be my wife’. Yes this is true, I am meant to be his wife, and as such I guess he and the rest of society expects me to act differently. Yet when he starts to tell me what I am doing wrong, how I am treating him as the dumb one, the one who sits patiently at home (not that he does). I go into submissive mode, but not in a good way. I begin to feel like I want to run away, or to curl up in a corner. I do not feel empowered and I definitely don’t want to tell him my innermost thoughts.

His way of coping with all of this is to ponder on the sexual. To worry that he is not good enough in bed. To want me to dress up for him to give myself to him. But then, to inform me that I am just there to satisfy his desires briefly before he moves on. For a reason that escapes me, I dress up for him, we have sex and then I feel cheap.

So while Sir can make me dress as He wants, can humiliate me in public. He turns me on. I feel empowered somehow and certainly not cheap.

There is no turning back from this.

I know where this is going.

I don’t take it lightly.

But I am kind of ready to face reality.

I collected my son for the Easter holidays this afternoon. Usually his dad and I would have done this together, but dad is absent. I told son that things are not going well between me and his dad. He said he picked that up at Christmas, he asked if his dad is having a mid life crisis. I told him, that it is probably me that is having one, but didn’t quite come clean. I know that it won’t be long before I have to say more. I am prepared to say what I need to.

Brief interlude

On Wednesday i recounted my journey to see Sir by train and how he joined me for the final part of that journey. This post is about the rest of the time i spent with Sir and my return to reality.

i sat on the chair with my legs spread. He stroked me as we kissed, kneeling before me. After a month apart it almost felt surreal, some how like a dream. No, it was definitely real; He pushed his large, thick cock inside me. As he moved in and out, i realised he was pressing against my g-spot and that i was already getting very aroused. This felt like wonderful sex, it didn’t feel in any way like a D/s situation and i took the decision as i approached orgasm to just go with it and not to ask for permission as i normally would. Afterwards he just said; “you don’t usually cum through penetration alone” This is true, and may have been a first. I was definitely ‘in the moment’.

He withdrew, still very hard and told me to suck him. i leaned up and took him into my mouth. He filled it. i tasted myself, something i am no always keen on, but on this occasion, i tasted pretty good. i moved down deeper and deeper. Sucking on him. For a while he held the base of his cock and massaged Himself towards orgasm. Then realising i was able to take Him much deeper than i sometimes can, he let go and i took over. i felt the first signs of his precum in my throat, a slight gag but then embraced the wondrous feeling of him filling my mouth. i leaned in further and He slipped deeper into my throat. i felt the pulsating of his cock as he neared orgasm and gratefully sucked as his cum hit the back of my throat. As he withdrew slowly, i swallowed.

We sat drinking some cava and chatting, discussing the troubles we are both encountering in our lives before Sir got up to prepare us a wonderful lunch of mussels and salad. Later, we moved to the bedroom and spent time snuggled together. We went with the intention of some more sex, but found ourselves a little weary so after He had pleasured me some more we just lay in each others arms.

It was a lovely afternoon ‘where Sir lives’ and rather than spend the afternoon vegetating we decided to make the most of it. We took the train a couple of stops along the line (why waste the tickers we already had), and then walked back. It was sunny and not really cold. We walked beside the sea; Sir knows how i love to do that. We chatted, discussing the history of the area. We watched the people, and the activity generated by the movement of shingle from the beach from one area to another. It was pleasant, we found each others company easy to manage.

Later we ate dinner then retired to bed for a while. Again we started with good intentions, Sir got his bag of toys out. But then after some very nice sex we decided that neither of us quite had the energy. Instead we made popcorn, drank hot chocolate with an alcoholic chaser (Tia Maria for me and Amaretto for Him), while watching TV, before retiring to bed.

Sir called it low key, i call it relaxing. An interlude.

On Wednesday, after breakfast of cereal and coffee, Sir went off to work. After washing up and watching a little TV, i set off for home. This was my last day of leave, and i wanted to make sure i used it to good effect. i considered stopping off and looking round another place near where Sir lives. But it felt cold and i suddenly felt like getting home.

Arriving around 1pm, i was soon bombarded by texts from Hubby. He wanted to know what we had been up to; in graphic details if possible.

The reality of everything hit and i sat and cried. For perhaps the first time, the reality of the decisions i have taken in pursuing my relationship with Sir hit really hard. i am not someone who cries much, but suddenly i felt overwhelmed. i coped by getting on with some spring cleaning  – my son comes home tomorrow and i want his room clean at least before he arrives. So i got on with that, some decluttering in the spare room and kitchen. It made me feel better (sad i know), i guess it is diversion more than anything.

Hubby stayed away that night though. Leaving me with my thoughts and memories of my time with Sir. A brief interlude on normal life.

Tomorrow i will update on my relationship with hubby.

Time to unwind – Journey to pleasure

We have both being going through some stressful times and yesterday presented a chance to spend time together and try to unwind a bit. It also presented the opportunity for a trip by train; no traffic to navigate and lots of nice countryside to observe (plus bits of London etc).

Monday night proved difficult at home, hubby, who has been spending most of his time away, returned. I suppose it was something to do with laying claim to me before I went off to stay with Sir. The result was unpleasant and painful for us both. The relationship we once had, while not the best, seems to be slipping away, to be replaced with unpleasantness and bitterness.

I left home early and took a commuter train to London, managing to get a seat even though it was quite crowded. This was just as well; i was dressed ready to please Sir and that meant a short dress, stockings and suspenders and heels. I walked the short but slightly painful distance to where the trains to Sir’s were. Perhaps I should wear heels more and then they wouldn’t be so uncomfortable, or maybe my feet just don’t suit them. Anyway I told myself, no pain, no gain!

Having grabbed a hot drink in a coffee shop at the station i made my way to the platform and another crowded train. Thankfully after 2 or 3 stops the crowds thinned and I was able to spread out my belongings and apply my makeup; get myself ready for Him. As the miles passed I began to unwind a little, though this wasn’t helped by some constant and not so pleasant texts from hubby. Things have become complicated, because hubby thinks my relationship with Sir will spice up our marriage, but for me it is having something of a negative effect (but i will save that discussion for another day).

At last I arrived at my last train change point and travelled that last half an hour with Sir. Again the carriage started off full, but passengers got off at the next two stops giving me the chance to give Sir a look at His bare, pussy. He made me gasp as he felt my clit for the first time in about a month, within minutes bringing me close to an orgasm. Sadly there was no chance for more naughtiness since a young man got on the train and sat close by. But it gave us both a taste of what was to come.

Which was definitely pleasure with some rest and recuperation thrown in. For both of us.


“Oh what a complicated web we weave,  when first we practise to deceive!” – Sir Walter Scott

Around a year ago, i was feeling particularly bored with my life. i was frustrated that as i approached my 50th birthday that i was in a rut. To those looking from the outside in it looked as if i had everything; a stable marriage of nearly 28 years, a good job, nice house, son doing well at university. All of those things were true, but actually that marriage was built on rocky foundations, perhaps set in quicksand. Few people in my life are aware of the truth behind the relationship between my husband and me. They know that we lived close to each other in our home town. They know that we first dated when i was just 15 and that we married soon after i qualified as a nurse. He was my only serious boyfriend. The only man i had had sex with. We seemed to be just right together, we loved and cared about each other, so people weren’t surprised that we married so young (21 and 25).

Within 5 years though we were leading practically separate lives. He claimed he needed to work away from home quite a bit and at the same time i was working shifts, including nights, as a nurse. Our relationship was often volatile, as i tried to get him to be the kind of husband i thought i wanted (one who pulled his weight around the house mainly). Often when we were invited to go out with friends, he either didn’t want to go, or wasn’t around, looking back he was almost contemptuous of them (though not to their faces), so they drifted away. At some point i discovered he was seeing someone at work and after much consideration on both our parts he told me he had ended the other relationship. i was in love, i wanted our marriage to work, and so i forgave and i trusted. We told no one about what had happened, though i did go and stay with a friend who had recently had a baby and seem to remember hinting that things were not going well. It later transpired that when i was away, hubby had his lady friend to stay in our house, in my bed.

In 1990 i became pregnant with our son. i was oblivious to the fact that my husband was involved in a long term relationship with another woman. i was blind and deaf, wrapped up as i was in the world of myself and my son. Hubby worked away, that was what i and others knew. i remember a neighbour asking me if he still lived with me. i was mortified that they would think that, but looking back he was rarely home. On occasions we would go for Sunday lunch to my parents, meeting a few streets away in separate cars. We would then arrive for the family gathering together and later, leave together and then go our separate ways.

One day when my son was around 3, on a Saturday lunchtime, i was ironing in my dining room while my son played nearby. Hubby was apparently at work. A woman turned up at the door and i invited her in. She told me that she was in a relationship with my husband and that what was more, they were engaged to be married! I was incredulous; how could this be in any way true? He arrived home and shooed her away. i was in shock and for that reason can’t exactly remember the rest of that day or the next few. A letter arrived, telling me all that she and my husband did together. It told me of weekends away, holidays, family events even an engagement party. Much of this has been denied since. Hubby maintains that she was obsessed with him and that he was too weak to say no. Somewhere between the two is probably the truth.

I have spent a lot of time since that time wondering why i stayed with my husband then. i do know that i was very frightened, of facing people, of having to cope alone, of the financial implications. So despite the fact that i didn’t trust him. That every time he touched me, my skin crawled. That the time we were together was very difficult. We carried on. He ended the relationship (probably not immediately) and we carried on. We lived and worked. We did things together and apart. We settled down into a long period of relative stability.

i did tell one or two friends, but not friends who knew my family and certainly not my family. Though i was so miserable during that time i look back and wonder that no one saw how unhappy i was. i wonder that no one asked me if everything was ok.

So that is the story of my marriage. The deceit and the lies of nearly 20 years have probably led me to the place i am now. That is why, when i started this thing with Sir, after a few months it became impossible for me to continue to lie to hubby about it. That is why i really want to tell everyone i know that the long term relationship they know about it something of a sham. It is a warning that while you can paper over the cracks, you can’t actually prevent the whole thing coming tumbling down eventually.

There is a bit more to this, but i will leave it till later …….. To be continued.

A close up of my day

Days here in the world of joolz are like like living in some kind of phony war. Have you ever seen any of those world war two films, where before any actual fighting begins, people carry around their gas masks and get into their shelters when the air raid warning sounds. Only for nothing to actual happen. Any day now things will change, but right now, life goes on.

In November i told hubby about Sir and around the same time, i was informed that if i didn’t find a new job by 31st March, i would be made redundant.

Life since then has meant that as far as anyone on the outside looking in could see, all was the same. But from inside things are very different. Each day i get up at the usual time (around 6.30am), do the usual stuff and arrive in work sometime between 8am and 9am depending on what the day might hold. i am lucky, since i can choose my start and finish time. Sometimes i work from home, but usually i go to the office. Sometimes i have meetings and sometimes i don’t. My job is about making sure that those who work in cancer care are supported to improve the experience of patients, and that they take account of the views of patients and their family in that care.

My job is now ending as the British Government has decided to make significant changes to my part of the health service. i don’t know if what i do will be done in the future and i don’t think that i can lose sleep over that any more.

At around 5pm to 5.30 (sometimes later) i arrive home (i only work about 30 mins away) and cook dinner. Sometimes hubby is here, but more often than not recently i am on my own. During the evening i will watch tv, read, surf the net or when i can chat to Sir online. Life is dull right now. But actually, it is pleasant, since it is currently still winter / spring. I go to bed at around 11pm.

Weekends involve some shopping, cleaning and relaxing a bit. Maybe some reading or needle work. Definitely a chat with Sir if hubby is away.

Soon all things will change. First my son will return from university for the Easter break and that will change the dynamics. He will make his presence felt, and i will enjoy that (except when he is treating the house as something of a staging post, a B&B), and i bet hubby will be here.

Then at the end of the month i will be redundant. My job will end and life will be different.

i have plans, exercise, walks, lunch with friends and family and generally interesting things. i also have work offers to consider but definitely my day will be different.

i plan to buy a new kitchen and to oversee its installation and i intend to take a holiday, perhaps on my own.

In the summer, son finishes his degree and comes home. Hopefully work will start to feature again for me. Plus hopefully hubby will sort out what he wants from home life.

At the same time there are the days and the nights with Sir, which i am hoping will increase during the coming weeks and months and which are totally different to the ones at home. i hope life will be a whole lot less dull, actually i expect that will be the case.

Three Quotations

Three things have been important to me this week (well probably more, but these spring to mind). So my three quotations reflect those three things:

Family – I took a day off this week to travel to a family funeral. My godmother, who is also a second cousin,  but call aunt, lost her husband, my uncle. I have wonderful memories of him, Uncle Ted, dancing with my aunt at parties, singing at family occasions and just being there giving us advice. He also loved to play cards; every family event ended with a game of cards.

So a family quote seems to be appropriate:

“You don’t choose your family. They are God’s gift to you, as you are to them” – Desmond Tutu
After the funeral, I spent time chatting to my brothers, cousins, aunts and uncles. We don’t see enough of each other and it was good to have the opportunity. Its a shame that it took the death of Uncle Ted to make that happen!
The final letter arrived telling me I will definitely be redundant from my job on 31st March so:
“Work is the curse of the drinking classes” – Oscar Wilde

Right now, work is a chore. For some bizarre reason, I am busier now than i have been in the last year or two. I guess the fact that people have left already and that we have work to finish off and to handover has something to do with it.  Today I went shopping at lunchtime. I bought some food for dinner and a bottle of wine. I pondered the cost of that trip to the shop while on the way home and realised that I had spent far more than i intended on the wine. I have to admit it was very nice and if I had known what wonderful wine I had bought I might have left work earlier today (9 working days and counting).

I am off to see Sir on Tuesday:

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop – H. L. Mencken

It is nearly a year since Sir and I began what we do. We don’t call it love to each other. But it is something very special and we can’t and don’t want to stop it. I guess you might call it love.  Certainly we care about each other alot, and that feels good.

Allowing plans to form

This is proving to be a long month. That is how long it will have been once i see Sir next week. We have had lots of contact in other ways, mainly through the medium of Skype. But it is never the same.

At the same time things with hubby ebb and flow. He is out a lot but when he is home he is both attentive and intense.

i continue to work my notice (just under 3 weeks to go), on one hand things are busy there, but on the other hand there is a realisation that things really will end soon. There are opportunities, but at the same time there is fear.

So all in life is on one hand the same, but on the other distinctly different. i manage all of this by living from day to day and week to week. i am not planning too far in advance.

But this time next week, i will be with Sir. So i am starting to plan. Correction; we are starting to plan!

This time i will travel by train. The trip is to be midweek; i am using up my last 2 days of leave (he will also be off work). Today i looked at train times, and know that i can meet Sir for the final part of the journey at around 9.30. i know that i will wear a dress or skirt, and that i will wear stockings, suspenders and heels; of course. i am excited that there should be some opportunity for us to do something quite naughty on the train. It feels that (even though we are still in the grips of winter right now), spring will have sprung.

i am allowing myself to remember how it is to kneel before him, to be allowed to suck his wonderful cock. i am allowing myself to imagine him putting the nipple clamps on me, to put on my collar and to remind me who my Master is. i love to think of his cock inside me andi love to imagine bending over for him while he spanks me with the riding crop. i know that he is also thinking of these things; we have spoken of them.

We both know, thought that, plans are a wonderful thing, but the reality will be better”

A song for the day

I love to have music playing when I am in the house and often in the car. I can listen to most music, though of course I have preferences. That often depends on my mood and on the way I feel. Over the years different songs have had meaning for me, as I think is the case for many people. One of my first favourite songs was by Leo Sayer (not sure if he is known outside of the uk), he was not cool but i loved the track ‘when I need you’. It was special because it was something I played a lot when I missed my boyfriend when I first went off to be a nurse and lived in the nurses home.

The song that currently, and for some years has been my special song is this one by Keane. It is called Somewhere only we know. I have listened to it while out walking, when on holiday and in the house. I find it helps transport me to a pale I want to be. Right now that would be in the woods last summer with Sir.