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Grieving for a relationship lost

For the first time in weeks, hubby and i resided in the same house, and did things together this weekend. He is now away more than i am, but apparently it doesn’t count since he is not fucking anyone else (his words).

i am not sure what i expected to happen on that fateful day 3 months ago when i came clean and told him about my relationship with Sir. At the time i was considering myself and the lies i had told. i was thinking of my conscience and of the difficulties in carrying on in secret. And even though i know something of the process people go through as they grieve for a loss or as they go through a cycle of change. But it is only now that i realise what has been happening.

I first studied the stages of grief as described by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross during my nurse training when learning about death and dying. Then i saw it adapted as a model for change by Stephen Covey 
But it pretty much describes what has been going on around here since November.
The first stage was shock and denial – He was both frightened and numb, he alternatively blamed me for what had happened and himself for his actions which he felt caused me to stray in the way i had. Next there was anger – at me, at Sir. He wanted to do something decisive and unpleasant to Sir, but couldn’t and wouldn’t as that is not his way. He felt shame and embarrassment that his wife should have strayed and that he hasn’t had the power to stop it. Now (although he swings back into denial and anger), his main problem is an overwhelming feeling of helplessness. He is unable to sleep properly and lacks energy to do anything. He has also lost his sexual drive (or perceives he has) and worries that it will never return.
It is with no pride that i detail all of this. i most definitely didn’t set out to hurt him, to make him feel like this. But i have to admit that in my selfishness i failed to recognise just how devastating my news would be to him.
i know that if i had any sense i would end the relationship with Sir and set about repairing what remains of my marital relationship. But it is so hard to make that decision when that other life offers so much more fulfilment.
Hubby hates my relationship with sir. He now wants me to tell him far more intimate details than i want to reveal. But he says he knows he can’t stop me doing what i want to do.
Who ever said life was easy? It definitely isn’t!

8 thoughts on “Grieving for a relationship lost”

  1. Did Google eat my comment? Oh well, I didn't have anything wise to say, just sending lots of hugs, hugs and more hugs. love, squirrel

  2. Sorry you are going through such a hard time. This must be such a confusing time for everybody. Its good your husband is getting out his feelings but details are not going to help him process what is happening.

    Hopefully with time and communication everybody will find a happy medium.


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