Cock worshipping through skype

Even though i would love to, i am unable to see, feel, smell or taste Sir’s cock every day. Even though it has been a couple of weeks since i last saw Him, i am fully able to visualise and to remember as i lie in bed of a morning or night. i love to imagine that i am touching His smooth shaft and that my hand is firmly placed around it as i widen my mouth in preparation to take him within. Sir has a large cock which is more than a mouthful, which means that when i do have It in my mouth, i am forced to give it my full attention. Sir of course loves me to worship Him in this way; why wouldn’t he. He is my Master and i am His sub, His slut.

Recently we have used skype as a means of chatting and also as a way of being able to see each other’s bodies as we do so. Sir loves to see my underwear, He loves to see me undress and to show him His possessions, the holes where he loves to put His cock. He loves to see me touch myself for Him, while i tell Him that i am a slut and a whore and tell him how much i love to feel His cock inside me.

In turn, i love to see Him stroke that lovely, big, fat cock. i love to imagine i am kneeling before him and that he is forcing it deep into my throat making my eyes water. i love to imagine running my tongue up and down its shaft, to be sucking him. i love to think of how it smells, to taste his precum as it emerges. As He strokes, He does so in a way that says – look at me, look at my lovely cock, look i love it as much as you do – and that makes me even more turned on and even closer to cumming for him.

While i look at Him through the means of this modern technology, i yearn to be there with him and i think ahead to the day when i will be. Skype isn’t the same as being in the same room, but it certainly helps me in my worship of His cock.

The lovely Spanky has started a new Cock Worshipping Subs blog and i have become one of the authors there. i am going to cross post this post there.

Picture from Simply Black and White

Inspiring Bloggers

tori at Pains Pleasure has nominated me for this lovely blogging award. The various blogging awards are a really nice thing, as often the nominees are to blogs i have never read (as well as many of the great regulars of course), and that means more places to go and more inspiration to be had. This award is about inspiring bloggers, and there are quite a few people in the blogging world who definitely inspire me. What is more those people have been there for me in my darkest hours recently; they have encouraged me to carry on, to follow my journey, to find fulfillment as a submissive woman.
The rules this time are:
Display the award logo on your blog

Link back to the person who nominated you
Nominate 15 other bloggers for this award and link back to them
Notify said nominated bloggers
List 7 things about yourself
Some of the blogs that inspire me are:
  • Willing slut, apply within – L struggles with her own journey, but is always there to encourage and support
  • Finding my submission – sin is also finding life tough right now, but somehow hangs on in there
  • Pains Pleasure (back to you tori) – i just love reading about tori’s world both kink and vanilla
  • Fondlers Anonymous – so much in common with lovely fondles, plus our relationships begain on the same day
  • Sir Q and me – fiona writes a great blog, describing life with her Master so wonderfully, she often comments here and i really value her support
  • Finally finding ‘me’ – lovely abby who also visits frequently and who sends us all lots of hugs. She also writes some lovely descriptions of her time with her Master
  • Bright bottom – I must of course mention Spanky’s blog, after all he has helped me become a CWS. Whats more, i see he is starting a blog for that very topic!
  • Leather cuffs and silken bonds – I love to read about Jake and joy’s life together, to read Jakes tasks and see his great photos. Plus he often comments here.
Ok, so i know that’s not 15 and i know there are more. i may well add to them later.
Things about me: (apologies if i have mentioned any of this stuff before)
  • i am something of a last minute person (this explains why i am currently typing this with wet hair when i should be getting ready for work), but i always do what needs to be done and i do it on time
  • i love cooking, but until recently was rubbish at cakes. Recently though i seem to have found some recipes that work and i am enjoying the challenge
  • i have worked for my employer the National Health Service for 32 years, but suddenly i am under notice of redundancy. Still hopeful of a job by the end of March though
  • i am facinated by politics and during the last election i became a member of the Labour party in the UK. i have been out delivering leaflets for them, but am not interested in forcing my views on this topic on anyone else.
  • i have 2 degrees, both obtained since my 40th birthday
  • i would love to do more study and if i am made redundant i might well do so. It won’t be health related though, perhaps history or philosophy
  • i was thinking of buying some new boots, but yesterday i cleared out a cupboard and discovered i already have 8 pairs. Still that’s not too many is it?

Random thoughts for a Saturday afternoon

Last night, i was out on a rare night out with my really good friends from work. 3 of us went out for a Greek Meze with lots of wine. Concequently, now my regular Saturday chores (shopping for food, a bit of tidying and some ironing) are complete, i have my feet up on the sofa.

Increasingly at the weekend hubby is away for at least one of the days. His actions seem in direct contradiction to his words. He says he wants to keep hold of me and to spend time with me. His actions suggest he doesn’t really want that. One evening this week while we discussed the situation we are currently in with regards our relationship, he said that as soon as he found someone else he would be off. He said that in his opinion i couldn’t speak to him about important things and that this meant that our marriage was not only over, but he went on to accuse me of ruining and wasting all 28 years. That night, at around 3 am, i woke to find that he was wide awake and was coming on to me.

To say this is all quite confusing is a bit of an understatement.

i am not sure when we stopped discussing our thoughts and feelings with each other. Nor am i sure exactly when i started to feel as i do when he touches me. Deep down i know he is correct when he says that we are on a slippery slope out of our marriage. But for everything it is still hard to let go. i am confused that when Sir touches the same parts of my body it feels just so different to when hubby does so. i guess that even though i don’t understand, it tells me what i need to know.

Time to myself, does give me space though. And space is something i have been longing for.

I have been checking into quite a few of my favorite blogs today (i was awake very early this morning due to too much wine and too much food), so caught up on some reading until i could drop back off to sleep.

For the love of a submissive is a tumblr blog i read and look in at regularly. There are often some very nice pictures there; today is no exception. The author speaks today about rules and about how He doesn’t have many rules with his ‘muse’ as he calls her, since they are in a long distance relationship, and that D/s is something that takes place in the bedroom. But goes on to say that when they are together, and they are in the bedroom (as it were) then they have plenty of rules about what she must call him and how she kneels and presents herself.

This whole blog post rang very true to me. We also have no actual rules that i follow when we are apart. At times i have worn specific clothes and underwear (or not worn underwear) at His request. This does give me a massive thrill, but can’t be continued all of the time. We also have no orgasm rules (which i know many people do). Rather He loves it when i tell Him that i have orgasmed while thinking of him. This morning, after i had finished my reading and i was thinking, i got out my trusted buzzy rabbit toy and did just that. The great thing is that it was probably that wonderful O, while thinking about my lovely Master that helped me fall asleep for another hour or so.

When i am with Him though, things are very different. i am expected, and always do ask for my orgasms. Mostly he is very good to me and my request is granted, though of course i am made to wait when He thinks i am getting much too much of a good thing. He wants me dressed appropriately, He wants me to be ready so He can use me and he wants my legs open when possible. Last time he even told me off for lying in bed with my legs crossed. i love to be ready so that He can use me as He likes and i like the rules He imposes.

If he is awake at 3 am and decides to stroke me, to wake me and to use me, then i am ready for him (even though i don’t necessarily want to be woken out of a lovely sleep), and i know that that is the difference right now.

Anal sex – a fulfilling taboo

If someone had told me a year ago that i would be having anal sex with anyone, much less enjoying the experience i would have told them that they were completely and utterly mad. Yet here i am full in the knowledge that i really am an anal slut.
It remains something i struggle with, since, even though no one actually ever told me that that was wrong, i still conformed to the belief that in some way it is dirty. Even though this was the case, i seemed to take little persuading that it was something i should try. Sir loves the idea that it is something that only He and i have done together, and that until He came along i had a virgin arse. In turn, i too love this thought and feeling.
It helps put me in my submissive place to feel like the slut, the whore that HE craves. It helps me find my submission and it helps me to feel that what i am doing is special.
The experience of the past 10 months or so has meant that i have learned to give myself to my internal anal slut and to find it easier and easier to be aroused and to orgasm during anal sex. We are told that there are fewer sensory receptors in the anus than in the vagina, but my experience is that if this is true, the body can be fooled and actually orgasm comes more easily this way. Perhaps it is psychological and it is the fact that it is something i shouldn’t enjoy in the way i do. Maybe it relates to the fact that i yearn to do something different with Him, to please. Maybe it feeds my inner slut.
But there is no getting away from it. I really to love this part of TTWD!

Role play

i have always had something of a vivid imagination, so the fact that Sir does too and that He likes to play those fantasies out is a real turn on for me. On the first night we chatted, we role played a scene where i was an estate agent, coming to value his house and somehow we ended up going out for dinner. He loves the idea of a woman in a business suit, featuring a white blouse, wearing  black underwear, stockings, suspenders underneath. He loves high heels. That first time that was what i was wearing for dinner in our fantasy.

Since then, i have been a maid, a prostitute, a woman pulling a man at the airport and much more. Last weekend i was a religious woman who only knew of the missionary position for sex until she read 50 shades of grey. This had opened up a myriad of possibilities for her.

The black skirt and cream blouse would have suggested nothing if not combined with seamed stockings and shiny black heels. She knocked on the strangers door just as the bells rang for Sunday worship. She should have been there not here, but she had seen this man before and actually she wanted to know him better. He was a sole that she though could be saved. She had heard that he had a number of weaknesses that could be fixed. So here she was.

He invited her in. It was a cold morning and he was very friendly and definitely a humble soul who admitted he had sins which required forgiveness. Of course he wasn’t fooled. One moment she was sitting timidly on a chair in his living room, the next she was on her knees sucking His cock and the very next, bending over being spanked. Perhaps the lack of knickers were the give away, but then how did he quite get his hand up her skirt without her running away? Rather than being a turn off, the feeling of his bare hand on her bottom was a massive turn on. She felt sure that any moment the juices erupting from her pussy would run down her leg. His wonderful fingers found her clit and brought her within moments of a beautiful orgasm. Just as she was going to ask him to carry on, she felt His very hard, very big cock inside her.

 “Oh my” she thought. “This is what i have longed for”
Instead she protested (rather weakly). He told her He thought that she was in fact a slut who was loving it. Of course that was exactly what she was.

Next He was pushing into that forbidden place. First with his fingers, which felt rather arousing, and then He was pushing that big cock into her. She tried to protest, but actually it just made her clit and her pussy throb all the more. Actually this was what she wanted. And He knew it. 

She had been found out. Rather than being the pious soul she had proported to be she was in fact a wanton slut who had knocked on a strangers door hoping for sex of the kinkiest kind. What is more she had got just what she needed.

As she left His house she noticed the church bells were silent. she hoped no one had noticed her absence this morning!

Pain and pleasure

i have always known that there is a fine line between something that is pleasurable and something that is unpleasant, painful even. That sometimes you have to endure a little pain in order for the pleasure to be revealed. The pain of childbirth for example, which is immediately followed by the overwhelming feeling of pleasure as you hold your baby in your arms. But before i began on this journey, i had little experience of pain in a sexual sense. i had little idea that my body would respond in the way it does to pain.

At the beginning of our relationship, we were both a little reticent when it came to pain and Him inflicting it on me. We had anal sex pretty much immediately, and that was a little painful in the first instance, immediately giving way to pleasure. But Master didn’t rush to spank me or cause me pain in any other way. That has come gradually as we have explored my limits and He has grown to recognise my needs.

One of my first experiences of the pain / pleasure duo was when i put clothes pegs on my nipples, during a telephone conversation with Him. He could immediately tell i was finding the experience pleasurable, even while i was still feeling pain and when we next met, He introduced nipple clamps. These have been one of my biggest sources of pleasure, and even as He puts them on my, i have an urge to open my legs wide for Him as my pussy gushes forth. Squeezing and biting my nipples has a similar effect, very useful for reminding me who and what i am.

Increasingly Master is using various implements (recently a belt) to spank me and again i find the experience unpleasantly painful and wonderfully arousing at the same time. i particularly love it when he gets close to my pussy with the swipes of the belt which turns me on so much.

This past weekend, i found pain a great way to level me and reintroduce my mind and body to my submission. He had me telling him time and again about the slut, the whore that i am. While i could feel pain, whether from being spanked, pinched, squeezed, clamped or as his cock entered my needy body, i felt the juices flow from me, and the arousal within me. It felt like i had come home.

That is probably why i have struggled to get myself back together this week and why i am missing Him and my submission this week. i would give anything to get some pain and pleasure right now!

Worth the pain

This weekend was worth everything that has happened over the past few weeks and months. I mean that. The time since I came clean and told hubby has been far from plain sailing, but it felt better to be going off to see Sir without the need to lie. Of course I went (and returned) without knowing how things would be afterwards, I am pleased to say though that I probably worried too much.

So the weekend

I took a half day, so I could do some shopping in Sir’s home town. The sales were still on and I am pleased to say I bought some lovely new, black, shiny shoes with a lovely slim heel and a new silky bra and suspender belt (no need for knickers) all at a reduced price.

At his place I showered and got ready before He arrived home. It had been 6 weeks since the last time,  much much too long and we were very eager to make up for some lost time. This time though we had the treat of two whole nights together.

I wore my underwear and shoes a fair bit, I wore the lovely nipple clamps, I was cuffed, collared and used. Oh boy was I used! I submitted and proudly worshipped my Master.

Sir was a bit unwell Saturday and I was pretty tired. The weather was awful so we stayed home and watched films and tv. He rallied late in the evening and I slipped back into stockings and heels and we retired to bed (no sleep yet though) so he could use my body again and again. He allowed me the most wonderful orgasms; so much so I can almost still feel them.

Sunday we engaged in a little role play which I will write about next time.  Then, after just a little more time together I was on my way home.

The return has been better than expected so maybe a corner has been turned. I am however missing Sir and have felt a bit down (sub drop perhaps?) I will get over it  plus wow what wonderful memories.

Yes it was worth all the pain. Plus of course I received some very welcome pain while I was there!

More about that too in a future post.

Joolz is definitely back!

This weekend

Will probably help to define the rest of my life.

It has been 6 weeks or so since i last saw Sir. Since then, home life has involved hubby and i living in some kind of movie set. Living our lives, working, eating, sleeping, socialising, but not quite living in reality. We have chatted and laughed, but equally we have argued and goaded each other. We have danced around the issue, sometimes avoiding it, sometimes half facing it. Words have been spoken, many of those words have been unkind. Half truths have been spoken too.

Yesterday reality hit. He asked when i would be going to see Sir and when i told him he reacted. His reaction was to leave, get drunk and arrive home this morning. Tonight he is out again and he will be back tomorrow. He says tomorrow he will be home.

This i know is my chance to keep my marriage. To do so will involve staying home this weekend (even though hubby has said he will be away), but actually i realise that Sir is a symptom not the cause of this. increasingly i wonder about the wisdom of saving this marriage.

This last few weeks since i told hubby about my infidelity has taught me that relationships shouldn’t be like this. There seems to be no care, respect or love between us to speak us. What exists is point scoring, and an inability to listen carefully to what the other says. There is pain.

The pain is not just his (though he has every right to feel very very hurt by what i have done), but it is mine too.

That, i think is where we are today.

Ups and Downs

i think that best describes how things are right now. Hubby and i have had a number of really good days, but any time i am lulled into the idea that this will be plain sailing, stuff is said that puts me straight back into my place. He firmly believes that Sir and i have a budding love affair and that at all times i am pining for Him. Hubby thinks that whenever i am apart from him, i am on the phone, text, online to Sir. Hubby also thinks that the more sex we have the more that i will want him. None of the above is entirely true, but there are some truths hidden there.

Sir and i have never proclaimed our love, though there have been times during some highly sexy, submissive moments that i have come close. i don’t think about Sir all the time, but it is true i do think about him; why would i not? i am going to spend next weekend with Sir and to be honest, given that i am really excited to be seeing Him, i am thinking about things a bit more than usual.

Sir and i don’t get to chat nearly enough. i worry about this, as without relatively frequent contact, it is hard to maintain this dynamic effectively. i know, however, that He has plans for next week that will help get me back on the straight and narrow. When it comes to contact, i am an adult, i have a job and family and so am not in constant contact. This is not new. Having said that, i would love to be able to go back to the days i could chat online with Sir while hubby was in the room. That can no longer happen and is probably a good thing right now.

Hubby wants much more sex. What is interesting is that i have started to get over the ‘i can’t stand sex with this man’ and started to enjoy it reasonably well. It isn’t the same as i have with Sir, which is a good thing. It is no where near as satisfying and it is over rather speedily even with foreplay. Now this is an interesting departure, since for all of these years i thought that he has little knowledge of this phenomena. But actually it seems he knew how to find my clit all along. After being ignored for months, the attention is pleasant, but a little unnerving at times.

i fully expect the next week to be difficult. i haven’t told hubby yet that i am going to see Sir, though he is expecting it. i doubt he is ever going to accept this dynamic and i am still taking each day as it comes. But to be honest there are more ups and than downs and that is something that i can live with right now.

New Year and time to think ahead

The past month has been pretty difficult and has in many ways overshadowed the previous wonderful ones. Today though, as well as being the start of a new year is also the 9 month anniversary of Sir and i first chatting online.

i cannot describe how much i have discovered about myself in that time and from where i sit most of it is good. While i didn’t enjoy lying and deceiving hubby, i have found out that there is so much more to life that i hoped and dreamt of. If you had walked up to me on January 1st last year and told me that within months i would be on my knees before Sir, my nipples clamped, my hands restrained. That i would be telling Him what a whore i am, that i would be asking to suck His cock, asking for Him to Fuck me, use me. If you had told me that i would even contemplate anal sex much less enjoy it. i would have told you that you had gone barking mad. But all of the above is true. What is more, i have learnt that dressing up is not a chore, but exhilarating and arousing. i have discovered that while i am not keen on humiliation while it is happening, once again it is a huge turn on.

Time to move forward then, but actually without too much planning. While my visits to Sir need a little bit of organising, i don’t plan to get too hung up on it all. i have to say that He has been wonderful over the past month. He has given me space, but at the same time has been there for me. i really can’t wait to be with Him again in another couple of weeks. i am sure that he will have some kinky, humiliating and very very sexy ideas up his sleeve for our times together.

As for life with hubby again i am not thinking too far ahead; we will have to see how things go day to day. We do have some good things to look forward to though, particularly my son’s graduation in the summer. i need to find myself a job (got a couple of applications in the pipeline), got to lose that post Christmas weight but nothing that can’t be achieved with a view on that lovely corset!

So as a new year starts, i have to say that things don’t feel too bad. In fact i feel strangely optimistic. Lets hope that this year is a good one for us all.

Picture from lovingdevotion