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My access to the computer and particularly anything involving typing is restricted right now to times when I am alone. If my aim in all this had been to make hubby notice me, to make him want to hold and touch me, then I have succeeded. Some days are reasonable, we can talk like adults, go about our normal life but with the added bonus of improved communications between us. We actually speak to each other during the course of an evening other than to discuss what dinner was like or what we think of a TV programme. This is definitely an improvement and a good thing. Also he is helping in the kitchen with peeling potatoes and the like, he even cooked me poached egg on toast. He is also a hindrance, since when I am cooking he wants to hold and kiss me and that can be just a little on the irritating side if you want to get things done.

His mood does turn on a knife edge though. One minute we can be having a reasonable conversation and the next he is off on a rant. Telling me that I don’t really want to be there with him but off with Sir. He tells me that he will never fulfil me like Sir does, that I am just biding my time until I leave him to set up home by the sea. No matter what I say in response he looks at  me knowingly.

Trouble is I don’t actually know how much of what he says is true (other than the fact that I am not going to be living with Sir, though I would be happy to live by the sea). On one hand I am pleased we actually notice each other but on the other I don’t need to be glued to any other human being in this way of an evening.

The day and night with Sir just over a week ago now was wonderful. Not only was I able to reaffirm my submission to Him, but I also got some much needed breathing space. Sir looked after me in a completely different way – yes it involved clamps, cuffs and some great spanking. But it also involved a long, long walk and some lovely food and wine. It really was just what I needed.

The following days were very challenging and at times I wondered which of us, hubby or I were most likely to crack under the strain. Last weekend we went away with a whole group of people to Germany. This involved spending 4 days and nights with hubby no less than 4 feet from me (or so it felt). So much so that if I touched my phone he was convinced I was about to email or text. No couple can live in this way and there were times when I wanted to run away from him. I know that he loves me and fears that he will lose me, but to be honest that option becomes more desirable the more claustrophobic I become.

There are no plans to see Sir before Christmas but I really wish that it was possible to do so. For the benefit of a peaceful time though I know it is best that I let the dust settle a bit.

My son is home from University on Saturday and I need him to return to the home he knows, not the strange place it seems to have become.

7 thoughts on “Struggling on”

  1. Sounds like a really difficult situation for both of you. Resolution is nowhere in sight, is it? I am late in commenting, stuff may have since happened to affect it. It's more torture for him than for you because at least you have something to hope for and fantasize about, whereas he has only the prospect of loss.

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