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Staying at the Crossroads Motel

I was lying in bed over the weekend thinking about this post, and although I didn’t really work out what to say, I did come up with the title. Crossroads was a soap series in the 70’s which was so cheaply made and acted by such second rate actors it was almost good. It was about the staff at a Motel called ……… well I am sure you can guess.

I chatted to Sir on Friday night and we agreed that as mentioned in my last post, I am at a crossroads. I am now faced with some of the biggest decisions I have ever even had to consider in my life. I am taking things one day at a time.

This is how I arrived here:

On Monday, I went out for lunch with a male friend. He is someone I met on Fetlife, and who I have developed a friendship with. He lives quite close, and he has kindly treated me to lunch 2 or 3 times. I hadn’t told hubby about him, hell I hadn’t even told Sir. It is a friendship and we chat about all kinds of stuff, kink included. After lunch, when I was back in work, I emailed him to say thanks. He replied to say that I was welcome. The email was innocent enough. I worked late on a report that took up much of  my working week this week. I didn’t know I had left my ipod logged into Gmail, and I didn’t know hubby would read the email. But I had and he did.

Hubby accused me immediately of having an affair with my friend. I reassured him that it was lunch, but I found it impossible to actually say that I wasn’t having an affair at all. Of course that is what I have been doing. So after a night without much sleep, I discussed with Sir what I should do and we agreed that honesty would be a good idea. Right now, his comment “how much worse can telling the truth be” keeps ringing in my head. The answer has of course been much, much worse. I guess though this is nothing I don’t deserve.

During the original conversation on Monday, while backed into a corner, I said something very unkind to hubby, essentially telling him that I no longer found him sexually arousing. This of course is the thing that plays in his mind. But actually this is a reality that he has known for a long time and it is really what led me on this course in the first place. That and discovering the submissive and kinky side to me that I now know I crave.

I can’t and won’t go into details about what happened during this weekend. Some of it will live with me without writing it here and the rest is best forgotten. I know how much hurt I have caused, I know how I have made him feel, I know he is one minute angry, the next devastated, I know he feels guilty as he feels he drove me to this because of his own infidelity some years ago.

I am now faced with three choices as I see it – A) I stay with hubby and I give up Sir, B) I leave hubby and C) I stay with hubby and keep Sir.

At the moment my desire to submit to Sir and lack of desire to walk away from my marriage coupled with a lack of a place to go mean I have asked hubby for option C. He is less than happy,  but says he won’t stop me.

I can’t and won’t talk about the kinky side with hubby. I don’t believe he will understand. I am pretty sure any dominance he could display would be transient and actually he may be quite submissive himself.

One thing is for sure, this is one hell of a mess!

7 thoughts on “Staying at the Crossroads Motel”

  1. My heart goes out to you Joolz. I've been in your shoes and I know it is so very hard to think and make the best choices.
    Take it slow and try not to feel pressured by anyone. Things did not get to this place overnight and the solution may be hard to find.
    All the best.. hugs..

  2. I feel your troubles Joolz. I'm glad you asked for option C as that seems the best, for the moment.

    Joolz, just think out what you would really like to happen, and keep it in mind. Don't just settle for something you don't really want, the universe does sometimes grant amazing boons to those with determination and clear vision. Be clear about your desires: for example do you really want your husband in your life still? Don't deceive yourself. And don't just assume you have to choose between the two men, it might turn out that you can have both if that's what you want.

    I have kinky desires, and I know from experience that living with someone who has none of that can be very frustrating. You cannot talk about it, there's no common ground. The straight person will think you weird, or at best will simply not understand what you are wanting, no matter how well-intentioned they are.

  3. I cant imagine the turmoil you must have all been in and are going through, but i wander if there is also that weight off your shoulders that its out in the open?

    I do hope you can find a resolution that works for you all


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