As you might expect, during my period away from home, from work and the daily chores of life i have had time to properly reflect on where i have got to in my life and in what i am currently doing in relation to seeing Sir. At the beginning of the holiday, there were numerous times when i wanted to have ‘that’ conversation with my husband. To tell him that i want something different from life, that i want…what? Trouble with me is i really do want it all. i am no longer sure i want to break up my marriage of getting on for 30 years unless i have a pretty good alternative. It is not the living on my own i wouldn’t like, it is more the mess i would live behind and the fact i would need to find somewhere to live. i would lose friends, lose the respect of family and much more. i would really hurt hubby. The alternative (to doing nothing) is to come clean about the affair side of things and to seek an open relationship. This would be my preference, but of course, once i open my mouth to hubby there would be no turning back and i could find myself rapidly in scenario one. As the week went on, and we were able to talk, laugh and to have some fun (though no sex), i realised that perhaps for now it is best to keep the status quo. i don’t really seek to change my life significantly, Sir lives quite a way away and my job and my family are here.
My biggest problem is that i hate the deception. i have been the one to be deceived and i didn’t like it. In the past i have been able to hold the moral ground, as i could always say to hubby that whatever else i had done, i had never slept with another man. During the last 6 months though, i have had enough sex with another man to constitute 3 years of sleep! No moral ground for me now then! i hate the idea of being judged when all i am doing is finding something of myself in my 50th year. i feel i deserve that deep down, but trouble is that i know that life is not that simple. People will and do judge. People judge each other when they don’t even really know each other, let alone when they are friends and family. We all have moral standards and values, and i am no different.
When i started this blog, i was very fearful of being judged by the community that i was seeking to enter; hence my disclaimer at the top of my blog. My take on this was that i judge myself already and don’t actually need anyone who reads what i write to make those judgements too. Until now, i have found the BDSM blogging community to be pretty tolerant. Personally i love to read about the lives of my fellow bloggers, some of the things they have done have led me to consider new options for myself and Sir. Littleone and Fondles both bought corsets and then i got myself one which Sir loved. It is the stories of spanking which have led to more spanking taking place in my scenes with Sir (we have both read blogs where lots of spanking takes place). But there is plenty of what i read that i don’t want for myself and Sir doesn’t want for us. We may discuss some of these things, we make judgements. i wouldn’t go to other peoples blogs and tell them that their choices are rubbish and that they are wrong to have taken them. i might join a discussion about them, but when i write comments i try to be kind. i have without exception, found people commenting here to be kind people. Some of those who do comment (i am making a judgement here), probably disagree with the idea of me having an affair while still married to hubby and while he is in the dark about things. But if they do then they don’t show it and for that i am grateful. This doesn’t mean that people have to agree with what i or others say, people can and do express their thoughts but tact and kindness is key.
Since i am still on leave from work, and hubby is not, i had plenty of time yesterday to catch up with all the reading i had missed on my favorite blogs. i was surprised and upset by the events over the past few days at finding my submission where judgements were expressed in an unpleasant way. i am pleased to say that many fellow bloggers showed their support for sin and that those events led to a number of posts by sin, aisha and sfp at jumping on in about blogging and the extent to which we provide a support group for each other and don’t judge when perhaps we should, about anonymity and about having opinions but just being nice about them. As usual, something not so pleasant has led to lots of discussion. Trouble is, that in the original post, sin was trying to express some concerns about her relationship with her Master which like mine is extra marital. Those concerns got lost in lots of other valuable discussion, but left sin and others feeling wounded (i am making a judgement based on what i have read). So i guess that after this long ramble what i am saying is, by all means judge, but be nice when you do it, and don’t forget the original message.