Mid life crisis?

i am wondering whether i should have my nipples pierced. Probably the very idea is part of a whole midlife crisis i am currently going through. What else can it be?

i have known for a long time that there is a very short fuse between my nipples and my clit. i am pretty sure i could cum from nipple play alone given the right kind of stimulation from the right person. The first time i put clothes pegs (pins in the US) on my nipples while on the phone to Sir was a telling moment.He says he could tell i had put them on from the tone of my voice. i immediately felt amazingly turned on, it didn’t take much for Sir to make me cum.

Then the day in the woods, Sir introduced the nipple clamps which took me to a whole other level. I found that anything He did while they were on, just enhanced the experience. As Sir would say i am definitely a nipple slut.

We have talked a few times now about how things might be if i had my nipples pierced. To be honest i am now massively tempted. Turned on by the thought, and by the idea that is is something i would do for me and for Him. It is not something i could do without discussing with hubby though. He notices much more than he comments on and this is one thing i could NOT hide. Mind you i am approaching a rather massive birthday and it is time i had a midlife crisis.

Advice anyone?

Space to think

i like weekend mornings. i tend to get up reasonably early, and certainly earlier than hubby and son. There is no pressure to do anything, though of course there are things to do, and no thoughts of needing to be anywhere. I have the time to read other blogs properly and use that reading as a space to help me think. To think about me and about Sir. There are lots of things now that make me think about Sir and about our times together. Reading blogs, finding pictures, just thinking about what we do, all helps to centre my mind and to think clearly about Him.

Yesterday i was watching the Olympic cycling road race on TV. Sir is a cyclist and cycling fan so, while watching it i couldn’t help thinking about him and then the bit of the race where it looped 9 times round the countryside brought back some very real memories. Not far from there is the place where Sir and i spent a day outdoors. where i was tied to a tree, nipple clamped for the first time, where we had anal sex on a disused picnic table. As i watched the men cycling around the leafy, country lanes i couldn’t help but think about that day. i couldn’t help wish to repeat some of those things soon (and actually it is something we are thinking about).

This weekend Sir and i are not together, as we were last week. i am with my family, getting back on top of the things i need to do here. This weekend i don’t feel irritated about anything, i am doing what i want to do within the confines of what is usual and normal. Sir is out of contact, with his children, being a dad. i have spent a fair amount of time with my own son. After years of the uncommunicative teenager, the young man who has emerged has plenty to say, but listens too. He likes to talk to me about history (his university subject), about politics, about the world in general. I often think about Sir when we are having those chats because these are subjects i discuss with Him. I often think that He and son would get on well, would have plenty to say to each other. Hubby is different, he and i don’t discuss things in the same way (though he and son do talk), and that means that when son is not around there is less discussion, less conversation. Anyhow i am enjoying these months with son around, even though he generates more washing than the two of us together, even though he eats food more quickly than i can buy it and drinks his dad’s beer.

In October son goes off for his final year at university. The house will fall almost silent. i think that is the point at which i will have to make myself sit down with hubby and have a conversation about our future. i am pretty sure i can’t hold out for longer. Julia, at My personal thinking spot, wrote about marriage without sex recently. She asks whether marriage without sex can survive since it isn’t really a marriage at all. On one level, yes it can survive. i don’t really remember when hubby and i last had sex at all, but i could hazard a guess that it was around February time. What is more important is, when did hubby and i have sex where both of us were in any way satisfied? That i really don’t remember, but for a long time life has continued, we have had some pretty good times together other than in the bedroom. But now i have what i have with Sir i can see what it is i am missing and i don’t think i can live my life this way for very much longer.

As the fog of emotion clears

It has taken me a few days to get my brain back into gear, not that i have been a gibbering wreck you understand. Far from it. But it has been hard to separate out the actual events of the weekend with the emotions that went with it.

Yesterday i updated  my journey page, and maybe that has helped a little. Plus there is now distance between myself and the actual events, not to mention that Sir and i have replayed some of the events a few times.

On Monday i was a little anxious, since i felt really down. i couldn’t understand why i felt just so bad when i had felt fine the day before. But then i realised it had nothing to do with any kind of subdrop but was merely PMT. i felt a complete idiot!

So thinking back on events, what is really clear is that from the moment i arrive and enter Sir’s house, pretty much until i leave to come home, i am ready. Ready to wear what He wants, ready to be in the position He wants, ready to take His cock in any way he wishes. i also spend pretty much the whole time on the edge of an orgasm, what is more, this time i got so turned on that he was able to make me orgasm by nibbling my ear! A first for us both!

i am not usually all that keen on dressing up in sexy lingerie for the benefit of a man, but with Sir it is something that is not only expected, but also something i love to do. i never imagined i would sleep in stockings, i never imagined one of the first things i would do in the morning would be to put on a pair of heels. i never imagined i would want, need even to have anal sex so many times in a single weekend and love every moment. i never imagined i would be able to take Sir’s cock quite so deep into my mouth without gagging. As Sir says i am doing well with my training.

Long may it continue!

Conforming to the social norms

I have never been particularly rebellious, except perhaps in my own mind. I like the idea of speeding, but even if I had a really fast car I wouldn’t be able to manage say 100 miles an hour, after all it would make me nauseous.If I finish work early, even if I started early, I feel guilty. I have spent my life doing just what people expected of me, if I am doing something different I worry about what people will think of me.

Suddenly though I want to break the norm. I want to do something out of character, I want to tell people that Joolz – daughter, sister, mother, wife – she is not who you think she is.

I want to be brave. To tell people that actually the person they think I am is not really me.

Trouble is, am I brave enough to ask for, hell to say what I want?

Will people say I am selfish? After all what I want is probably a bit of everything. A bit of my 28 year marriage and the stability that goes with it. I want my job; it has taken 30 years to get to this level of satisfaction and pay. I want my family to love and respect me. I want my son to see me as the mother I have always been.

But I want the kind of experiences I get with Sir. I want to be able to leave town for a couple of days, to submit, to be submissive, to be bound, to be made to do humiliating and sexy things. I want listen to Sir’s jokes, to his knowledge of historical stuff. I want to eat the food he cooks, I want to snuggle up with him and I want to be fucked senseless by him.

Then I want to go home till next time.

A tall order? Selfish?. Yes.

Its what I want, but can I have it?

Probably not

A few reflections

The weekend was wonderful, the longest we have spent together, a special time. I am going to need more time to be able to write some coherent thoughts. For a start, I am quite tired. There wasn’t loads of time spent asleep, also while I feel really happy about all that we did, all that was said and done, my general mood today is low. Rather than be happy for what I have I want to cry for what I don’t have. This morning I am not with Sir and there is nowhere right now I would rather be.

Just as a taster, and so I don’t forget what I need to write about on here (as if I will), here are a few highlights. Arriving, being collared, and put in handcuffs (a new addition to the repertoire). Those wonderful minutes post waking when I had Sir’s cock in my mouth, Sir waking me yesterday with his fingers on my clit, orgasm after orgasm after orgasm, wow! Then there was the outside stuff, the lovely long walk on Saturday, on what appears to have been the first day of the British summer proper! Sir showed me the beautiful area within which he lives, walking on top of the cliffs looking at the wonderful views, then a picnic on the beach was just perfect. Then the humiliating walk I took late that night, along the sea front, dressed as a slut in very short skirt, barely covering my stocking tops, the crotchless thong not covering my backside one bit. Taking Sir’s cock in my mouth, in a seaside shelter, while cars passed us on the road behind and one or two people walked along the seafront.

The trouble with having such a wonderful time is that you just want more of it. Right now I am struggling to work out quite how to get it and that is getting in the way of my happy thoughts. Give me a few hours back at work to put things back into perspective and I am sure I can put anything negative aside and really reflect on the good.

More later.

In the zone

Sir believes i have little trouble getting into the right frame of mind for our times together. He might be right, but then we usually have a pretty long lead in. This time well over 2 weeks. But for someone who leads a reasonably busy but mundane and responsible lifestyle i welcome the opportunity. It is not that i am spending every waking hour thinking about what is to come, but it would be true to say that i have spent a fair amount of time either zoning out of what i am meant to be doing or as i like to think of it, getting into the zone.

We have chatted online each evening this week, discussing, as you might expect, what might happen at the weekend. Tonight, and we haven’t spoken yet, i am pretty much as near the edge you can be. It has been a cumulative effect. Discussions about what i will wear, what i will bring with me, what will happen as soon as i arrive. Then Him encouraging me out of my semi nun like celibate lifestyle into orgasms before sleep and on waking. Last night i asked Sir if i should perhaps wear my butt plug before Friday at some point, he of course agreed.

I put it in shortly after getting home from work, and am wearing it now 4 hours later.

There is nothing like being filled like this, i find, to put me in the zone. i cannot move, walk, even sit without considering Sir and how much i desire to be with him. I know that this is the main reason  i feel as i do right now but it is a wonderful feeling. i know though, that tomorrow without the plug, as i take hubby to his stag weekend, as i sit at might desk working, as i take son to his train to spend his weekend with graduating friends, as i shave, shower, pack then drive. I will be just a short finger or tongues distance from the most amazing orgasm. Of course i also know that before i get that i will be on my knees showing Sir who i am, and where i belong.

i love being in this zone.

Back Sunday!

(Picture by Paul Mcaulay)

Humiliation

There are one or two blog posts around today covering humiliation as a topic. Aisha has a wonderful poem in her post on the subject and sin has been talking about things that are humiliating but within the limits of what  is ok and those that were outside those limits but are now not.

One of the things i learn about myself is that the limits i thought i had, the things i thought humiliating now aren’t.

Many people hate being called a whore or a slut. I also hate these terms when used by people other than Sir and perhaps even by Sir when used out of context. But when he knows i am not wearing underwear and he calls me a slut, i love it. When we talk about my love of anal sex and he calls me a whore i love that too.

On our very first date, on that first night. i dressed in a short skirt, which only just covered my stockings and suspenders. i wore black heeled shoes that i could barely walk in and i walked into a bar and ordered a drink. i sat at a table and waited until Sir who i had barely met in person came into the bar and asked to join me. He had us move to another table with lower chairs where he could observe and touch me more easily and then we tried to engage in normal ‘we’ve just met and are just having a chat’ conversation while he ran his hand up my stocking top in pretty much full view of the bar.

This was humiliating, sir told me later that i was a slut for doing it, but i loved it. The whole time experiencing a combination of blind panic and amazing exhilaration.

My favourite thing about my journey into this new lifestyle is the way in which i am discovering so much more about me. It is a journey that i never expected but which i am just loving!

He likes it!

Sir has read my blog and he likes it. i would admit to having been a little anxious over the last 10 days or so about whether i had done the right thing in sending Him the link to my blog. But last night, he told me he thought it was well written, so much so, he even feels like he was there!

This is a big week for us, because for the first time since that initial night we are going to be together over night, we will go to sleep together and wake up together. i am beyond excited about the prospect. There is something so much nicer after sex, particularly sex which has involved some of the very thrilling things we like to do together, not to have to get out of that bed and drive 100 miles home!

Unfortunately to get to Friday, i have a busy working week. There is only one of me doing my job, and this means that it is easy to get behind. This is particularly easy when you take a few days off, which i did. Things are catching up on me, i have deadlines and they approach fast right now. Still being busy helps time to progress when you are almost beside yourself with excitement don’t you think? I also have hubby organising to do. He is off on his stag weekend on Friday and he will need to be got ready and apparently he also needs me to take him somewhere to meet the groom and other travellers, just when i ought to be at work. i suggested a train but he doesn’t seem to think train are an option for him, even though i can drop him at the door of the station. i’d like to develop a more dominant stance on this, but it doesn’t seem in my nature. Plus there are fights you should have and those you shouldn’t and given what i will be up to by Friday night the latter seems best!

One Lovely Blog

It has been a busy week. Sometimes when i look back on a period of 7 days i am amazed that it has only been a week. This week is a case in point since 7 days ago i was waking up in Barcelona, while we were there we packed lots in, then we flew home and the next day i went back to work. Work is busy right now. Plus there was food shopping, which i would normally do at the weekend and then washing, lots of it. 

In my absence / while i was busy many of my favourite bloggers and some i am only just acquainting myself with were awarding One Lovely Blog awards. So now it is my turn. 
The One Lovely Blog Rules of Acceptance

Thank the person/people who nominated you and link back to them in your post.
Share seven possibly unknown things about yourself.
Nominate fifteen or so bloggers you admire.
Contact the chosen bloggers to let them know and link back to them.

i have been nominated by Aisha, Jake, Fondlers Anonymous and Littleone, thank you to all of you. I am particularly pleased and honoured to be nominated since i am so new to this wonderful kinky world and my blog is only a few months old. 

I am relieved that there only needs to be seven things, i had a go recently at the 100 things list (it is unpublished) but got stuck before i got to 10. So here are 7 

  1. i am a nurse by profession, but have worked in ‘management’ for the last 11 years. i often think about going back to the bedside but the reality is that i don’t think i will
  2. i have 2 brothers, both younger than me. i was always on one hand bossy and on the other let them get away with murder. i have always been someone who does all they can for other people and they are no exception. 
  3. My birthday is coming up, i will be 50. I am a Leo and often display those lion like tendencies. My roar is much worse than any lion kind of bite though!
  4. Hubby was my first real boyfriend. i had a couple of little flings before we got married but after a long courtship (old fashioned term i know) of 6 years we tied the knot. 
  5. It was another 7 years before my lovely son came along. i have loved being a mother and feel proud he has turned out so well. Parenting is a very important thing and something you just have to learn as you go along. i miss him being my little boy but on the other hand like to spend time with the adult he now is!
  6. i love the sea and would love to live at the seaside. i find it has a calming and settling effect on me. i love the look of it and i love the salty wind that blows through your hair. Sir lives by the sea…….
  7. i struggle with my weight. i love to eat and can think of very few things i don’t like. i also like a glass of wine or 3. i don’t like exercising. But here is the thing, i can eat really healthily, i can abstain from drinking and i can and do exercise. Trouble is i am inconsistent and therefore my weight yo yo’s a bit. Restarting zumba this week coming…

As i am new to all of this, though as i have said before not new to blogging, i couldn’t get to 15, i am still building my blog roll but this exercise has helped me find more which is great. i have started to read blogs each day so have cut down my facebook experience (thank goodness)!

The first sub/slave blog i ever read was libby’s a submissive’s musings which i have read so much of. i was intrigued by her lifestyle and while i am not sure i could be slave material i was drawn to the structure and rules she and others live within. 

littleone, at willing slut, apply within, was the first person to leave me a comment on my blog. i love to read her blog and to follow her ongoing journey which is really quite similar to mine.  


kitty – the submissive wife is another blog i enjoy reading and what is more i love the beautiful dress on her front page – weird but true!


Fondlers Anonymous writes so much wonderful sense, she lives her life to the full. i love to read about what she and BIKSS are getting up to and about the thoughts and feelings that go with it. There are parallels between our lives since while she is free, BIKSS is not. 


aisha is another blogger who writes regularly and has some really great stuff to say about her life and its ups and downs. 


sin at finding my submission is someone who writes about all aspects of life whether that is about submission and kink or whether it is about every day stuff. 


Jake at Leather Cuffs and Silken Bonds has a blog that is just so educational to a novice such as me. Also just realised he has also nominated me so thank you Jake


Spanky at Bright Bottom finds some wonderful photos and other links which i love to look through and which i have shared from time to time with Sir. 


Harper Eliot at It girl rag doll provides a mixture of stories, life and art. A great read.

Submission & metaphor and pain’s pleasure, both of whom write beautifully and honestly. What’s not to like?