More Saturday thoughts

It’s been a busy day, but everything i have done today has been filled with thoughts of Monday.

Yesterday we chatted on the phone. Indeed we didn’t just chat, Sir made me come in the office of my Director. As He reminded me, i have come a long way since we met 3 months ago. We had chatted via Yahoo for a few minutes, with Sir pressing me further and further within the confines of my office to first spread my legs then to touch myself. The office is open plan, but Friday is comparatively quiet, so i had just one person next to me, though people behind and in front.  Then he phoned. He and i knew i had somewhere to take the call. I was pretty excited, since i haven’t even touched myself in two whole weeks by this time.

As we talked, Sir had me touch myself; i stood behind the closed door to do so. We talked about what we will do on Monday and what we have done before. i came easily (who wouldn’t given the restraint i have offered over the last two weeks).

Sir has apparently bought me a present for Monday, but won’t say what it is.
i have bought the remote controlled egg.

Such potential fun means that apprehension and tension is high!

So during ironing, shopping, lunch with hubby,  a walk by a canal with hubby, home for a couple of hours, tea with the inlaws then a tortuous wimbledon match involving Andy Murray, and the drive involved in getting to a from these places, all involve me thinking about Monday.  What is more i am handed the anxiety of a potential wet day on Tuesday and the thought that i may have to bring Sir here rather than enjoy outside fun.

Saturday thoughts

i like Saturdays. The one day of the week when i nether have to go to work today or tomorrow, don’t get me wrong, i do like work, i enjoy my job very much, but i also like days when i don’t work. On Saturdays i tend to get up early. I tend not to sleep late these days and actually i like to get up when the house is quiet and i like to get my laptop out and see what is going on in the webworld. Lately i like, while i am alone, to think about what has happened, might happen and blog about it here. Pain’s Pleasure’s blog post yesterday has inspired the words i am writing this morning.

For the last few months, since i decided to explore more about D/s i have read so much both online and off. I have been struck by just how much information is out there and just how many well thought out, well written words there are out there for people like me to find. i have also been struck by how welcoming people can be to their community when you happen to stumble across it and leave a mark or two of your own. As i have mentioned before, i don’t even have friends i can talk about the state of my marriage with, let alone discuss what i like to do with the man i am illicitly having an affair with. So being offered the hand of contact and perhaps in time virtual friendship is very welcome.

I am struck by the extent to which the blog world provides an opportunity to see such a wide range of lifestyles and interests, while at the same time feeling like a community. i found this before when blogging about nursing. Through writing a nursing / work related blog, i have found that our lives while different, are often so so similar. i have found that people across the world with similar interests have many more similarities than they do differences. The same seems to go for the BDSM world. As with nursing, there are many specialities, different ways of living the lifestyle, but something brings those people together. My blog roll here is getting longer and this is now one of the first places i come to when turing on my computer. i love to see what has been happening to people, or how their wonderful vivid imaginations are working. i enjoy thinking about the lifestyles people are living and wondering if that is something i would want to consider.

Would i want to live a 24/7 lifestyle, could i do it?  Possibly, and certainly i would like the opportunity to live it much more than i am now. 

Am i slave material? Probably not, i am probably much too mouthy, far too used to being controlling over my own life. I am also not sure about domestic discipline type stuff – this is one of many things that Fondlers Anonymous has been discussing here

Do i want to be spanked more, given that Sir isn’t really all that keen on inflicting pain in that way? Mind you he has got the hang of causing pretty acute pain to my nipples and breasts once he realised what it did to my ability to submit. So maybe.

So as i get on with Saturday, and i must get on with the less enjoyable part (ironing then shopping to do), before getting onto more fun things (a walk and lunch with hubby), i have to say a big thank you to the people i have met online so far, to those whose blogs are helping expand my mind and thoughts and who have welcomed me into their world.

While at times i am really struggling with my emotions, i can honestly say i am feeling much happier with life than i was 3 months ago when all this began for me. Of course alot of that is about my lovely Master, but much of it is about so much more!

Submission

We are chatting on Yahoo, which is now our main source of correspondence, about next week. He asks what time i will arrive and we discuss what time we will eat dinner. He says that he hopes that we make it to the restaurant. i suggest that he exerts some control and makes sure that we do. He tells me that HE will decide what happens and when. i am in my place, and guess what i love it!

As with many people whose relationship is growing and developing, we discuss all sorts. On Sunday, given the events proceeding on the TV at the time (England losing as usual in a penalty shootout) we discussed that, our weekends, our families, his cold. i do like to discuss normal things, but i also like it when the conversation turns. i love it when he suddenly says: “you know what you will be doing as soon as you walk into the hotel room”? Of course i know, and just the very thought of being on my knees, collar on my neck, his cock in my mouth causes a little gush from below (no i haven’t wet myself). We move on to discussing the remote bullet i am hoping to purchase this week. He loves the idea of being in control of me while say, i am ordering dinner in the restaurant with tablecloths. Then he says he may make me wear a plug too. i am torn between that thrill of humiliation and fear of walking through the streets of a city near here wondering if what is inside will stay there. Another slight gush! i ask if i will be permitted to wear shoes that i can actually walk in. Yes he says, so long as i bring along some good killer heels for the room. We move onto what i have been wearing this weekend. Trousers i say – well who wouldn’t with the weather we had last week and at the weekend. i know he likes to think of me in a skirt at all times, but this is never happening. He considers a punishment for some clothing misdemeanour, since he hasn’t yet told me i can wear knickers again. i am all for punishment, don’t worry about that.

i really love the fact that a conversation for say an hour can make you feel so turned on. i really love the fact i can live on anticipation. It is 11 days since i was with Sir and was permitted what felt like 100 orgasms. Today is the first day that i would like to masturbate. This is something of a record for me as before i met sir 3 times a day would be the norm. He would be OK if i decided that i needed to get out my rabbit, though he prefers it if he is around in some way (on the phone for example), but actually i am going to try to last out. I think doing so will be good for me and for my submission. As he says i am a willing student and he is my very willing Master!

Photo obtained from here

Preparations begin again

A week tomorrow i will be with Sir again. This time, he has a few days off work and is coming to stay nearby. We will be able to see each other both on Monday evening and much of the day on Tuesday. i would love to spend the night with him, but in order not to arouse unnecessary suspicion i am spending the night at home. In reality this will also allow us to get some rest – if previous encounters are anything to go by. Sir has booked the accommodation, i am in charge of booking the restaurant for dinner. He wants me to book somewhere where they have table cloths on the tables, this is not all that easy these days. He obviously has in mind to be a little naughty while we are out and about.

When you are in a relationship like this, there needs to be planning. Time is precious and there is a feeling that you don’t want to waste it. But we are learning not to over plan, since a bit of spontaneity is a very good thing and certainly adds to the eroticism of the moment. i know though that i won’t be able to help myself thinking about what i will wear, down to the underwear (or lack of it). i will be thinking of those first few moments in the room with Sir and how things will progress. i will be thinking of the meal and wondering what He has in mind for me during it. We have been discussing my getting one of those remote controlled eggs for him to control. i am definitely up for that one. i will be thinking of the weather, because on Tuesday we want to be able to get outside. Of course neither of us can control that one!

All in all it feels really exciting; i just have to get through this next week to get there!

Mixed Feelings

Today is my Wedding Anniversary. Hubby and i have been married for 28 years, this by anyones reckoning is a very long time. i am not necessarily good at remembering past events in detail, but i am pretty sure i remember large parts of this one, even down to the weather. It was a cloudy but warm day and rained during the evening. Like mostย  young brides i went into the whole thing full of romance, nearly as much in love with the idea of the wedding as i was with my new husband.

You could describe the last 28 years as a rollercoaser. At various times i have considered myself content and happily married and at other times much much less so. The first few years were particularly tricky, i remember the period soon after the wedding when i confided in a friend that marriage was less exciting than i had expected. I couldn’t put my finger on why i wasn’t completely happy since hubby hadn’t done anything wrong at them time. We had a party when we had been married for 5 years. I arranged it because i felt that against some kind of odds we had reached a milestone. He rewarded me by having an affair with a woman from work which continued until after my son was born. I vividly remember going out with family members for my 30th birthday, without my husband who i told them was working away (actually that was what he told me and i kind of believed him).

My bubble burst one day as i stood in my dining room ironing, my toddler son near by. The woman turned up on my door step and confronted me, saying she loved my husband. i have gone through what happened next many many times. i was angry with her but more so with him. i might have hit her if i was that kind of person, we spoke for a few minutes and somehow i got her to leave. She followed the visit with a long letter about the things they did together and the fact that they were engaged. i think that may well have been a low point in my life!

Just as i had been in love with getting married, i now became obsessed with keeping my husband from ‘that’ woman! i fought for him, i told him i loved him, i didn’t want him to go. In truth, i think i was more worried about the implications of being left alone, of having to face people as a single parent than in working through the implications of staying married to a man i neither trusted nor really fancied any more.

For a long time i found sex with him really difficult. i would be turned on, i would want us to make love but then once he touched me, i would immediately feel revolted by him and turned off. i realised that i might have made a mistake but once again fear led me to just get on with it.

The last 15 years have been better in terms of us living together as a family. Hubby and i have learnt to manage our life together and at times we have had some reasonable sex. My not wanting him to touch me all those years ago though have led directly to him thinking that there is no need for foreplay and our ‘lovemaking’ has been something that occurs infrequently and is over in minutes.

Marriage is about more than sex, whatever form that sex takes. We have concentrated on providing a safe and loving environment for our son to grow up in. We have loved each other, how could you remain together for so long and not love each other? I no longer hate him in the way i once did, i am no longer repulsed by his touch, but i am not sexually attracted to him.

Today we will go out for lunch for our anniversary, it will be a nice occasion but not quite romantic. Neither of us minds. We are marking the occasion which feels right but we both know, even if we don’t speak the words that we are unlikely to reach 30. Going it alone after such a long time feels pretty scary, but i really don’t think it would be fair on either of us to keep up a facade that has gone on for too long.

Why do I let myself get wound up?

I didn’t hear from Sir until last evening. Not one word from when i left His house on Friday night, until 7.20pm last night (Monday). He had been busy with family, firstly with his mum and then his children who are still quite young. He seems a great dad who does lots with his kids, He is the kind of dad I wished for my own son and didn’t always get (not that hubby has been in anyway bad, just not creative or massively active). Then on Monday He was working (as of course was I).

i knew this was likely the case, but because i had sent a text to let him know i was safely home, an email to say thanks for a great day on Saturday, then a text on Monday morning to ask if all was ok and got no replies i worked myself up into a state of angst.

One version of my mad mind had Him ill, dead or in some way incapacitated. Another had him deciding that i was not to be bothered with (though he bought me the lovely lingerie and gave no impression he was repulsed by me, quite the contrary). Finally i decided i was probably doomed to spend the next few weeks, months, years even carrying on with the dullness that is my current home life.

Of course deep inside i knew the truth. Last night i gently chided Him that i was a bit worried that i hadn’t heard from Him (without going over board). i did feel a little silly though, just as i should!

Struggling with the inner me

Struggling to cope with my life this weekend. A weaker person might throw in the towel, one way or the other, but i am not a weak person. i am however struggling with my inner voice, the one that alternately tells me to tell hubby the truth and then to keep up this facade.

i haven’t heard from Sir since Friday. i am a little annoyed about this, though i know it is probably because he is busy with his children. i expect we will chat later tonight, but again i am fighting my inner voice that wants me to ring him, text him, email him or all three. i just sent an email with a link to a website i think he might like and saying that i hope that he is having a good weekend. But i want to say so much more.

Last night i drank too much; some wine, followed by two G&Ts. i started on hubby but he knows better than to rise to me in that situation. i shouldn’t have had the gin, it brings out the inner me and i need it hidden right now. Luckily, i was very tired and sensibly went to bed.

i suppose i never thought all of this would be easy, but at the same time, i didn’t realise how difficult it would be to keep the inner me in its place. Question is though: am i doing myself a disservice by keeping it out of site?

Emotional Attachments

It is probably impossible to embark on any relationship without an emotional attachment forming as time passes. Up until now, i have tried to keep those thoughts from my mind (unsuccessfully at times i will admit). Yesterday, for me, seemed different. Yesterday evening i was almost overwhelmed with feelings while lying in bed with Master. To the extent that i wanted to say things that i am not sure it is yet time to say.

We started in the way described in my previous post and quickly found ourselves in the bedroom – i was wearing the new lovely lingerie Sir had bought, also wearing some new killer heels i had bought specially. i was collared, clamped and tied to his bed. Once i was allowed my first orgasm they just came one after the other and within an hour he had claimed me – he is the only person i have had anal sex with and this is way of laying claim to my body. He was (and i told him) very dominant and i was particularly submissive; we are getting better at our respective roles.

After a very late and very pleasant meal provided by Sir, we retired back to bed and picked up pretty much where we had left off. Sir is massively attentive to my needs and he spent so much time yesterday making sure that those needs were being met. That in turn meant i was better able to meet his needs. Until yesterday Master had not orgasmed inside my pussy, but that is what happened, with me on top in the most wonderful way, as instructed. I also overcame my gag reflex for a pretty significant (imho), and well performed deep throat fellatio.

We then spent a couple of hours (broken by some tea and chocolate at some point during the early evening) just lying there kissing and touching and that is when i just wanted to tell him that i loved him.

Having feelings for a man that is not your husband is quite a tricky thing to consider. Even when you have entered into a socially illicit relationship with that man. i didn’t really go looking for someone to have a specific relationship with. He offered me the opportunity to try something new, to explore new perspectives in my mind and body, and boy have i? i am not sure if i expected to develop these feelings, i didn’t really consider it. Lying there with him, and overwhelmed by those feelings, i struggled to understand whether i felt that way because i had just experienced the most amazing sex or because they were real feelings. For this reason and because i am kind of nervous of broaching the subject with him, i said nothing.

Well nothing is not quite true. He had said earlier about all of this being ‘a bit of fun’. i had agreed, after all, we are definitely having lots and lots of fun at that moment. But while we were lying there and i was feeling as i was, i said: ‘this is more than a bit of fun isn’t it?’ He didn’t answer, but he did kiss me again, deeply and for a good period of time. Definitely not time to discuss feelings at that moment.

This morning, i am over 100 miles away. I wish i was still with him, and i was this close to not getting out of that bed last night, he certainly reluctantly let me go. The feelings remain, but then i am still turned on, still wet. My nipples and pussy is still sore, my arse still remembers what happened.

Where is this going? Who knows? I still feel great love for him this morning and for now that will suffice!

In a day or so, i will write something about this in ‘the journey’ page.

 

Preparations

Since that first night we have seen each other about every two weeks. The time between those meetings is spent reflecting on what happened last time or sometimes a combination of that time and others, then thinking about next time.

Next time is tomorrow. This week we have spent considering that day. What time, where, what will i wear to arrive, what will the rules be when i arrive?

Other preparation takes place at this end, shaving and general preparation of my body for Sir. Getting clothing and any required toys ready, buying stockings. For Sir, maybe he tidies up his house a bit – he is living a bachelor life after all. Also he thinks about what food we will eat; that man gets very hungry between orgasms! So he goes food shopping.

Tomorrow i leave straight from work, a half day. i will drive to him dressed as i have been at work, i will stop at a service station about half an hour from his house and reapply makeup, put on stockings (unless i decide to wear them all day but that depends on the weather) and remove my knickers (unless i decide that crazy course of action to go commando in the first place).

As soon as i enter Master’s house, and we have kissed as i know we will. i will submit and be his. i will be on my knees, he will put on my collar, and i will suck his cock. At this point i will be where i belong and i will be who i am.

For more, you and i will have to wait until after……

Sir went shopping

He told me online last night that he had been shopping, buying things for me. i felt really excited when he told me this as people rarely buy me things when it isn’t my birthday or something. i knew he had been looking for lingerie that he wanted me in as he showed me some stylish red underwear on Sunday, and he asked me for my vital size as he called it. While we were chatting he was disappointed because the red bra in my size was out of stock. Now he has been to a shop, in his lunch hour. He has been thinking of me, while in a shop in his lunch hour and he has bought me lingerie.

He started off saying it was a surprise, but then sent me to the links. It is stylish, but not red. One set is black, the other white; yes, there are two sets and one black suspender belt. The stockings are my department (how i laughed at that, i am tall and he knows i struggle to get them long enough!).

i was feeling tired last night. i woke really early for the second day in a row (5am is no joke) and i had to do an evening focus group with people who have recently had cancer (that is part of my job). The focus group was interesting, but it was draining. Even though i have worked in healthcare for a very long time, their stories are difficult to hear. Often good stories about their care, yes. But also stories of when people are just too busy, stories of when people just don’t think before they open their mouths. But also stories of the pain that goes with having cancer or being the significant other of that person.

i had also been thinking about Sir much of the day. Thinking because we are seeing each other Friday. i am taking a half day (time owing as i have another focus group Thursday), but i haven’t set up my excuse for being late with hubby, haven’t actually told him yet. i was wondering on my way home, about the whole idea of travelling so far for a few hours of fun and games when i will be tired. i was wondering if i am just crazy or something.

But then, after a late dinner, knocked together while hubby sat glued to two foreign teams playing football, i made myself go online and chat to Sir. i was rewarded by feelings of care, generosity, thoughtfullness and of course ulterior motive. i was suddenly less tired, less weary. Instead i was wet, turned on by his words and by his enthusiasm. This i thought is a man who cares, who wants to see me, and because of that i will throw off the thoughts of the day and i will go to him on Friday afternoon, for as long as we have together. It is going to be great fun.