It is a long time since I updated this part of my blog. Indeed, since I have moved to this new place and think about the future as slave to my Master, I wonder if this page is necessary. The hope is that I will be able to blog freely, and that as such my journey will unfold in the main body of the site. I can see I will need to give some thoughts to this……
10th July 2014
This is where i am right now
26th May 2014
when I took this ok cupid test a year ago apparently this girl was servant, now this is what she is:
23rd May 2014
This week could end up defining my submissive life as this girl moves forward. This girl feels there has been an internal shift inside of her, something to do with the way in which she is as a person and how she views herself. Something that is making her aware of her submission pretty much 24 hours a day. The feeling this gives this girl makes her feel somehow closer to Him.
On Monday this girl explained to Sir that she was becoming ever more mindful of how He would view situations that she was involved in but which He couldn’t see and wasn’t physically part of. She also said that at those times, she felt her submission was all encompassing. She also articulated that this felt a little scary. That this release of control, while something she wanted, was against all of her previous life experiences. Sir reassured her and when they parted this girl went to give Him the orgasm he had permitted her. This has been detailed here.
The next morning this girl felt somehow calmer, less frightened of what she needed to do and how she needed to be. All day as she walked around and managed situations she was ever mindful of Sir and felt his presence. In the afternoon this girl sat in what could have been a difficult meeting. She considered some of what was going on a waste of time and struggled to engage. However, rather than taking over as she might previously have done she just sat back and listened. Slowly the engagement came back but in a different way. She found that actually the meeting wasn’t a waste of time, but that she just needed to approach it differently. She smiled to herself as she realised she had used her submission to manage things. She knew that if she were to articulate events to Sir He would be pleased with her.
That evening this girl chatted online to Sir and during the course of the conversation, He articulated to her that He could feel the depth of her submission to Him. He read her blog, while they were chatting and remarked that a few weeks ago she had trouble calling Him Sir, and now was calling Him Master.
At that moment, Sir became Master. This girl became Master’s girl, or as she is now marked, Master’s slut. This girl moved closer to slave.
11th May 2014
Sir is away, giving me the time and space to reflect. What is more, it is making me reflect on the past 3 months, on his other relationship and on the future. It is making me question what I want and need in a different way than when I am with him. We have seen each other pretty much every weekend and often days in between, since that first one at the beginning of February and we have had almost daily contact. I have always known that if I needed to contact him he would respond. This has been a new thing. I have never felt as needy as I do now, and I wonder what is it about my relationship with Him that is so different? Is it that the attraction is greater than I have known in a long time? Or is it that as I discover so much more of my submissive side, that I become more dependent? I have always been fiercely independent. As a child I always wanted to do things for myself, and then for my siblings. I have always wanted and needed my own space and have often felt crowded if I can’t get it. But over the past few months I have felt something shift in me. A new need to be in the company of someone else. At the same time I have developed a way of not having to be my old self with that person. It feels natural to just be with Him, to lie beside Him, to cuddle up to Him, to sit with Him.
I have wondered over the past few days if I feel as I do about his trip because he is with another woman. Would I still feel like someone has taken part of me away if he were just visiting friends, or away on business? I guess it is hard to know since he is with her and will be doing things with her that he does with me. That he will probably be saying the things to her that he says to me. This is something I have never had to think about before, and it brings strange and uncomfortable feelings to the fore. I admit I am jealous and I am fearful. I worry that my position with him is under threat. I worry that he will decide he no longer wants and needs me. I worry that I am stupid to have put myself in this position. It is hard to articulate these things, since I am the kind of person who always likes to give the impression that she is alright when she clearly is not. I am an independent person who knows my own mind. But I am a submissive and I am dependent. I want and need to be grown up about all of this. I am experiencing exactly what his slave has experienced since Sir and I started to see each other. I am keen not to react in the way that she has at times. But that is difficult. If I see a comment written on Fetlife, as I did yesterday, I want to retaliate. I want to tell her that I don’t want my face rubbed in her happiness. But of course, after months without him, she deserves her happiness. So it is wrong of me not to just let it go.
I know that this is just a few weeks. That once He is home, I will have Him in person again. But What happens if and when she comes to live with Him? Will I want to let Him go? Will He force me to let Him go? This break wonders if I would be better placed to end things now? Would I feel less hurt that way? Of course, I know that I won’t do that, but I have been thinking that, wondering.
He tells me I shouldn’t worry about the future. I know that He is right. But it is hard not to and hard not to fear what it might bring.
5th May 2014
Thoughts on this girl’s submission
Update for 23rd April
This post sums up some of the issues I continue to struggle with in my marriage and other relationships.
16th April 2014
This post can’t be in the third person. It is about my marriage.
Today, I saw a solicitor about the practicalities of separation and divorce.
Essentially because of my redundancy last year I am in a pretty good financial state right now. Hubby and I have been married for a very long time and the gist is this:
- All we own together belongs to us jointly
- All that I received in severance for losing my job and hasn’t been spent so far belongs to us jointly
- All debt is equally shared
It is two years this week since i first chatted online with S and so, began my first D/s relationship, this journey and my blog. While i look back on that relationship with a mixture of pleasure and some pain (not all of it of the S/m kind), i will always be grateful to Him for awakening something buried deep within me.
1st April will be the 2 year anniversary of the day that S and i started to chat online. At that time, i didn’t realise that this journey would be such a long one. Now i see that if i chose, this path could take the rest of my life. Indeed when i stopped seeing S in Jan, i remember informing a Dom who approached me by email through Alt.com that i am fully trained and have little to learn. He was never going to be the right person for me, but how wrong can you be.
As i come up to 2 years since i started my journey, so the pace of change increases. There is so much more i want to experience from the S/m kind of perspective but at the moment i need to concentrate on the D/s.
23rd February 2014
I am (still) going through some quite stressful times right now. There is the marriage thing which is going to take a while to resolve and I also have the responsibilities associated with parents who are not in the best of health. I have a demanding job, a son still at home and looking for a job. Essentially there are lots of people around me who demand a piece of me.
At last I am back on the trail, back to doing what I set out to achieve. I am finding out about me and about my submissive side. I am getting the chance again to submit and to explore the feelings and emotions associated with that. I am also back to thinking about this lifestyle pretty much full time and to wondering what it would be like to live it much more.
So everything has changed and S and I are no longer seeing each other.
So, its looking a lot like Christmas.
Saturday 14th September 2013
Today’s post is about where I am on this long and winding road to discovering myself and where I want to be with my life
Monday 15th July 2013
A number of people have, over recent days, told me that I have grown, developed and blossomed over the past 15 months. It is hard to see that clearly for myself; who I wonder can?
This page will help me mark out my journey from the person i am in May 2012 to the person i think i would like to be sometime in the future.
- i am happier and more fulfilled
- i have discovered that i like to dress to please
- i have discovered that i like to face potential humiliation
- i have discovered that submission can be fulfilling, enriching and whats more enjoyable
- i have discovered that i am turned on when restrained, clamped and spanked (sometimes at the same time)
- i have discovered i like to suck His cock and am able to swallow
- i have discovered there is more to life than i expected
- i have found new friends, in real life and online. Friends i do not need to be inhibited with
- i have found that i am a bigger risk taker than i would ever have imagined
June Update June 20th 2012
Nearly a month since my last update, but lots of blog posts charting my journey. i have blogged before, indeed i still have a blog about my working life hosted by another platform, though i have not updated in some months. It is not that i don’t have anything to say, i just can’t quite get round to going there. Part of this is because i am here, but part of it is because i got a new job last summer and i really like it. Also as structural change goes on around me within it, i am happy at present to just leave any frustrations to others.
This blog is helping me to be more open with myself. i am expressing my deepest feelings for perhaps the first time, ever? Perhaps. i haven’t been good at keeping friends close. All my life i have collected a few friends, but other than one special childhood person, i have never really had anyone to share really deep and personal stuff with. Now she lives at the other end of the country and is terrible at keeping in touch, so much so that i have tended now to leave her to it. Friends now are mainly people to meet for lunch or a drink, have a gossip and return home. This is one of the regrets of my life, but i suspect i am not going to make that kind of friendship now.
Progress with Master
We have managed to keep up our pretty much fortnightly meetings. i am learning so much about both how to be a lover and also about the things kinky things i like. Together Sir and i have discovered that i really like nipple pain and that clamping my nipples and Sir kissing those nipples almost short circuits me to an immediate orgasm – what a revelation!
The other area i am moving forward with is my technique for giving Sir the blowjob He wants. i think i have said before that this is something i did not previously enjoy. i have rarely done this for hubby, but then he has rarely (if perhaps ever) made me come. Sir wants his cock in my mouth, indeed he insists that i am ready for him to put that wonderful, large mouthful wherever he chooses. I am overcoming my gag reflex and my kind of inbuilt fear of the whole act and starting to even enjoy it – yes it is true!
i have said enough about my emotions over the last few days (see blog posts). But there is nothing like going through a bit of angst to make you clearer about what it is you want and i think i am getting there. i want this relationship with Sir, i am prepared to go through the highs (which are very high) and the lows (which can be a bit low). But am i happier in myself today than i was on day 1? Hell yes!
It is almost a month since i started this page and it feels like this might be a god time to think about where i am on my journey. There are really two parts to this. first of all there is my personal journey through learning about being a submissive woman within a new world and then there is my personal journey through my real and very vanilla life.
My submissive journey
Sir and i have met for play 3 times now and we have chatted on line and on the phone on numerous occasions. On that first night i took a huge risk, but for me it has paid off. Sir is a loving Dom and is extremely keen for me to learn new things and what is more for us to experience new things (some of which he hasn’t tried himself) together. He appears to be considering this a long term project. This reassures me (more of that in the next section below)and allows forward planning to take place. I am learning to trust him.
i have already tried so many new things since we have met – being tied up, wearing his collar complete with lead for a short and very erotic period, spending days without knickers at his behest, wearing the most erotic but slutty underwear, wearing a butt plug, anal sex (indoors and out). We have also had fun, have laughed and spoken about our lives and what has brought us to this place in our lives.
The more that we chat, speak and meet the more i can feel myself submitting to him. The less i want to argue or challenge what he says or tells me to do. i am starting to feel more and more liberated by the idea of living in a world where i can return from work and not have to make all the decisions any more (work is a place where i need to take a dominant kind of role), it feels clear to me that i no longer want or need to control all of my life all of the time.
The one area where there is room for improvement is my ability to give a good blowjob. For a reason that i can’t explain i have not really ever been keen with hubby to do this at all. i think to begin with i just didn’t want him to cum in my mouth. Later i wasn’t keen to do something he kept telling me his girlfriend did to him. But with sir i actually do like his cock so much that i want it in my mouth. This is a good thing as this is not optional. Sir’s cock is rather large, impressively so. I like the fact it is a good mouthful and i have no fear that he will cum without good warning. i am just not all that good at taking it as deeply as he would like. i have a very strong gag reflex and while i am learning to over come this progress is less speedy than we would both like. Still practise and training on this front continue. What is really good though is that i have really overcome my dislike of oral sex per say and with sir i really do like it.
New things to try soon include being blindfolded, being tied in some different ways, new positions for anal sex, new fun ideas for the outdoors (now that summer is here)and a move from spanking to being punished with new implements. Lastly and i hope very soon – nipple clamps. Really looking forward to that after the peg experience this week.
The main thing i am finding right now is that i am analysing everything so much more. i think about what i am doing and how i do it. i observe what is happening around me, peoples responses to me and mine to them.
The key area of this observation is of course my home life and the interactions between hubby and i. There is no physical interaction as such. i don’t know when we last did anything in any way intimate. My problem now is that i don’t want to be close to him (we still sleep together but that is all we do). The things he does now are irritating me and i am having to work hard to keep in check my feelings. i want him to take more control of his own life past going to work and coming home but he essentially refuses. i decide what is for dinner, when it should be eaten. i make him food, drinks. i go shopping, i clean the house, i decorate my son’s room, he says well done. This is not the life i want.
This means that i spend lots of time, some of it in the early hours of the morning trying to decide what to do next and when to do it. i can’t continue to tell lies in the way i am. i can’t continue to deceive. i am by nature a truthful person. i don’t really know if the relationship with Sir will last long term, we are making plans for play but haven’t discussed more – it is early days. i am ever fearful of being just so needy (emotionally) that i scare him off. That said he does know that this whole thing is emotionally difficult and we do discuss it. My thought processes go along the lines of: can i tell hubby that i want an open relationship? i don’t dislike him, i don’t necessarily seek to leave but i want more and i don’t want it for him. i am not convinced that this approach will work. He will be jealous and he definitely won’t take it lying down. This means that i will need to tell him the truth before he finds out and i will have to have a plan of what to do. This may mean somewhere to live.
Son returns from USA next week. So there is another person to consider. He is an adult in his own right but he is our son and his needs matter too. He goes back to his Uni in October and graduates next year. Timing feeling important there too.
Lots to think about, but on a positive note lots of great and exciting things have happened. So onwards and upwards!
My Initial Thoughts
Who am I? May 2012
The main thing i know about myself is what i am to others – Daughter, wife, Mother, Sister. i am also an employee and in my opinion a pretty good one on all counts. My life is spent doing things for others. i haven’t really felt like my own person in a very long time. The things i do are generally not for my own benefit and if i do spend time on myself then i am questioned about what that means. So for example if i were to buy a sexy dress and to wear it with some stockings because i like the way those things feel then i must be doing that for someone else. in the past when i decided to tell one of my brothers i wasn’t happy at home he took this as a way of telling me his own woes.
When something needs to get done in my life i had pretty much better do it myself as no one else will. Cooking, cleaning, loading the dishwasher; you name it. i am responsible for organising everything – holidays, decorating going places. i answer the door and the phone, make the tea and fetch the biscuits. i often wonder where it all went wrong.
When it comes to sex, if i don’t organise that then it doesn’t happen. It is also a one way thing. All give and no return. So given that i haven’t organised sex for several months we haven’t actually had sex and of course that is my fault.
When my son was younger i took all of this in my stride. But now he is 21 and has pretty much flown the nest i don’t see why it needs to be like this. So this is why i seek to change things.
Were we ever really compatible?
We met at a very young age, we lived near each other and i was 15 and he was 19 when he asked me out. We got on well together, wanted to be together, we grew up together i guess and we were both virgins. For quite some time we kissed and touched each other, he led, i happily followed. After i went off to nursing school we continued our relationship. At times before and during that time being apart from him almost broke my heart. Our early attempts at love making were unsatisfying, neither of us knew what we were doing and we didn’t really know what we needed to do to get experienced. He asked me to marry him early on and i said yes. i was in love, but equally i didn’t have any better offer. This maybe isn’t a good basis for a relationship. It was shortly after the wedding that i wondered for the first time if i had done the right thing. The wedding itself had overwhelmed us as had buying and moving into our new home. i remember on honeymoon he said we should make love every other day. Why was that? i never questioned it or asked? At that time we slept close to each other; spooning, cuddling. At some time we started to sleep facing opposite ways to each other.
We have both strayed from this relationship. He at the beginning with an older work colleague. He learned from this relationship and before i knew what was going on he applied them to our sex life. Finding out about his affair left me bereft. What i am not sure about is whether i really wanted and loved him because i wanted and loved him or whether it was because i didn’t want to lose him to another person.
The way i have strayed has been different. First, when i was a semi deserted mother of a small baby i placed a lonely hearts ad in a local paper and dated 3 different men; none of these led to sex at all. One of them turned into a friendship for a period of time which i enjoyed. The advent of the internet has led me to have a few little flings. i have met two men with whom i have engaged in mutual masturbation. i discovered with both that it is possible to be taken to a different level when you orgasm. Actual intercourse with a man who is not my husband never happened until the latest relationship started with my Master.
So in answer to my question? Were we ever compatible?
For the most part i go about my usual life in a reasonably calm state. After all you can’t be continually fed up about your lot. Indeed i don’t believe on a day to day basis i really am unhappy. But if i look back on a week that i feel has been particularly dull, a particular struggle then it does make me unhappy. Some events at work, particularly when we are busy stress me. Some days i need to work late, i need to travel to meetings and at home the support for this is limited. i then get stressed. i have allowed the man i live with to manipulate me into sitting there while i do everything for him. i allow him to wind me up so that at times i explode, rant and nag. i reach this stage less frequently these days as i have learnt not to allow myself to boil over. It does no good in my experience. What i am doing now in exploring this alternative lifestyle is part of the ‘what are you doing instead of putting up with your life as it is?’
Who will the new joolz be?
i will be someone who is happy in their own skin. i will wake each morning and know that i am where i am is where i want to be. i will be a person who, when she gives of herself, gives it willingly because she both wants to and knows it is right.
i will be loved for myself. i will be cared for and because i am cared for i will care for that person with all of my heart and body. i will be able to allow that person to possess me entirely.
i will be sexually liberated. i will be able to give my body and mind entirely to someone else. i will give this willingly because i will consider myself part of that person.
i will be proud of who i am, i will be proud to show my body to myself and to others.
i will not be someone who people think is there to be walked all over. i will do things because they are right for me, not just because they are what someone else wants me to do.