As time goes by……….

 

Orgasm control

Probably the first ‘rule’ applied to me as a new submissive was orgasm control. I was told that my orgasms no longer belonged to me, that they were his property and that I should ask permission to orgasm and that once I had cum, I must thank him and tell him that it was his.

I had read quite a bit about being a submissive by that time, and orgasm control seemed to be common place. What is more, S had required me to ask permission to cum when we were together, so this was nothing new.

Orgasm control with Master is a little different though. This isn’t about me feeling that I am about to cum and then seeking permission, this is about him demanding that I cum when, where and how he wants. Over time, and with training or conditioning, much like one of pavlov’s dogs, I really can cum at the moment he desires. He may be stroking my clit, he may be pinching a nipple, he may be deep inside one of my holes, or there may be no physical contact at all. But, when he says cum, I do.

I have long since stopped wondering how this can be happening to me, I suspect it is a form of conditioning as mentioned above. I love the control he has over me, that he can make me cum at will. It adds to the feeling of control that I know that he has over me and it makes me horny just to think about.

Occasionally he denies me an orgasm at the time I request it, but he is not very good at doing so for long. He truly loves me to cum and see and feel the juices that flow, to hear my breathing change, to hear me gasp, to see the look in my eyes. I love him for this; who wouldn’t? I know other submissive women are denied orgasms for prolonged periods, so I count myself extremely lucky.

For me, the advantages of having my orgasms controlled far out weigh any disadvantages. I recognise it as part of what I have ‘signed up for’ in agreeing to become his slave. It is part of the control, part of his ownership of me, my body and mind. Part of the power he has over me and which be both know we need.

I guess the only small disadvantage is that it means that when I am alone and I decide I need to cum it is less pleasurable than when we are together. I still thank him for the orgasm, and tell him it is his, but if he is not there to hear me say the words then what is the point. So, even though I am allowed, I tend not to orgasm very often when I am on my own. The feelings produced by my fingers or a vibrator are good, but they last just a few moments. I much prefer that he be there and that the control is overt and real.

S is for…..

A girl’s submission to slavery

One topic today since this lies at the heart of her very self, what she is and how she functions. In order to write this blog post, this girl needs to write in the third person – her slave persona  – this girl. This is a personal need rather than something imposed. You see, when Master told this girl that he thought that the use of the third person would help her in coming to terms and understanding her submission he was right. In the beginning it felt odd and sounded strange to even refer to herself in private with no one else present as this girl. She didn’t exactly believe that it was necessary since she had already worked out she was submissive. Of course it turned out Master was right!
The realisation that this girl was a submissive came in the early days with S. He brought out her submissive side and taught her that it was a good thing. That it wasn’t a sign of weakness but instead strength. The desire to serve another, to want to please to feel the need to worship another was part of who she was. Sadly, S wasn’t the right person to receive this girl’s submission in the long term. Indeed, it is now clear that he was frightened of it. For him, it was about play, it was a game. For this girl it was a part of who and what she was. He recognised this and pushed her away. The fact that they carried on seeing each other for a while was about carnal need, but eventually it was clear that this girl wanted and needed more.
Master recognised something in this girl during early online play and discussions in a chat room. Meeting up on a bleak, cold day in February only confirmed this. There was a sexual chemistry, but also there as something else. He recognised that she desired to submit to him and over time they agreed that she was his slave and he her Master. Looking back there was an inevitability which was confirmed after a period of separation which allowed both to reflect on their time together so far.Separated by thousands of miles, both had struggled to make sense of the emotions of the previous few months. On the spur of the moment (it seemed at the time) he asked if she wanted to be his slave. Somehow that request was exactly what she wanted and needed. She didn’t understand at the time why she felt the sense of relief she did. It felt almost like a home coming (though that took place a while later when he returned from his travels).

Jack Rinella’s book Becoming a slave provides this girl with the closest definition and understanding of her own understanding of slavery. He recognises that slavery and indeed submission itself is personal. He describes slavery in this context as a voluntary type of servitude. He identifies that rather than the slave being someone weak, needy and in need of constant supervision, she (or of course he) is someone who wishes to serve the Master, to give the power she holds to him. In doing so the slave puts the Master first, supporting and empowering him. At the same, they are quite possibly achieving success in their own endeavours. This is how life is for this girl. She does not need micromanagement, and she is able to lead a successful career. However she feels that she needs to defer to Master, to seek His approval and support. She needs to be his servant, to please to to give him total control of the life that is their’s to share.
In effect she has surrendered her will to Master and as Jack Rinella describes, her ego has been nullified and now belongs to him. She has given herself totally to him to take care of. Her self image has become his.
This whole area of thought is complex, but for this girl it sits inside the deepest recess of mind and body.
Yet, it is visible for all to see. Well for those who are able to see how important this life is to her. Generally people remark that she looks well, not just in body but that she is fulfilled.
Today, this girl met with her ex. Somehow she was surprised to hear the lack of communication that appears to go on with his new lady friend. She was surprised that she and he were unable to communicate at a level she is now used to. But later she realised she should not be surprised. Master has helped this girl to recognise her needs and to reach out to Master in fulfilling them. The level of communication in this girl’s relationship with Master is completely different. It and He have brought her happiness she could only have dreamt of in her previous relationships. Slavery has brought her happiness, but only because Master is the right person to submit to. She is Master’s slave.

 

My submission

Dominance and submission has been a key part of our relationship from the start, and it remains so. The relationship, which started with the intention that is mainly be around play has become something far deeper. This is a long term relationship that may well turn out to be something that defines us in our middle age. But it remains one where He is the dominant and I am the submissive. That is the undercurrent to each day of our lives, it is just the way things are. We go about our business, together or apart, but during that time we both know who we are and are mindful of our roles and what that means to the other. To Him, I am girl. I am there to be loved and cherished, but I am also there to serve him at all times. For me, He is Master and at all times not only do I want to serve, but I want Him to be proud. This is our life.

I can’t imagine that either of us wouldn’t want the D/s (or indeed M/s) that is so important to us. However, we are not one dimensional and there is far more to our life and the things we enjoy together. I don’t see our relationship failing because of that and anyway I love Him for who He is in so many ways.

The percentage of time when our interactions are rooted in D/s probably depends on where we are and whether we are together. But, since I wear His collar and cuff, and since I try as part of my contract to think about my place as His slave I would say that for most of each day I know where our relationship stems from. As a woman in her fifties, as a woman who has discovered her sexuality later in life than many, I have to say that I embrace my place as His slave. For me, there are constant reminders which mean that at least 90% of my time is in truth embedded in my relationship with Him. Embedded in the fact that I am this girl; His slave.

The photo below was taken last summer. As usual I wore no underwear and when He demanded to see His property I did so. Mind you, at the same time it appears, I was filing my nails!

 

Reflections on the past – My submission today

Master has frequently looked back on my
blog and reminded me of things that I have written. He is quite
a reflective person, and while I am too, he often sees things that I maybe
don’t.
This week we have been discussing my
submission. This is the first time since May 2014 that we have been apart for
this length of time. While it has been difficult to manage the lack of physical
contact we have texted and have spoken every evening on Skype. What it has done
though is give us the space to think about our relationship on a deeper, Master
/ slave level.
For many months we have in the main
lived relatively vanilla lives, going about our business, enjoying our social
life and holidays. Sex is always pretty kinky and there is always an
undercurrent of M/s. The S/m side has taken something of a back seat in the
main, mainly because of his shoulder problem which I am glad to say is now
resolved. We are both keen to reenergise that part of our relationship along
with redefining the Master / slave dynamic.
The other evening when we were chatting,
he pointed out that I was touching my collar a lot.  Thinking
about it, that is something I do a lot. I love to feel the metal
around my neck as well as the cuff on my wrist. I have rarely removed either
since he gave them to me.

he reminded me last night
of something I said when we first met. I struggled to find it, and of
course He went to it and pointed it out. It comes from 4th February 2014
as I analysed our first play date. Below is the full post: 

I don’t know how things will pan out
with this new Dom or if we will play more than a few times. i don’t know if the
special person will be him or another. What i do know is that i seem to have
restarted the journey that stalled months ago. 
Over the last few months with S,
we had some fantastic times. The kinky sex we had (much of it described here)
was fantastic. The submission was in the moment and was really good. But i
wasn’t truly submitting to anyone. At the time that was fine, right for where i
was and where he was.
Now though i feel differently. i
kind of feel liberated by the fact he has another and i have made the decision
that whatever happens there is no going back to that or to him.
i am thinking about submission a
lot. i am considering even what it might be like to give up more control, even
perhaps to enter a Master / slave relationship. That’s not to say i ever would,
but i am giving it some thought and in a considered and serious way.
The playdate on Sunday put me in a
good place, and rather than drop, i have kind of stayed there. Not on the high
that all of those orgasms gave me. But in a place where my submission has come
to the forefront and is just there, kind of so i can touch it.
The playdate on Sunday put me in a
good place, and rather than drop, i have kind of stayed there. Not on the high
that all of those orgasms gave me. But in a place where my submission has come
to the forefront and is just there, kind of so i can touch it.




The part he
keeps returning to is as the end of my post, where I talk about the fact that
my submission  is such that I  feel that I can touch it. Somehow, needing the physical
reassurance of my submission by touching my collar and the way in which we
remind each other of our place in this relationship are both ways in which I
feel my submission. For him it is about feeling the power of his dominance and seeing my  submission. It offers us confirmation that however we live our lives and whatever gets
int he way of being able to play and have kinky fun, we are and always were
Master and slave. That I was his submissive from the start.

So, while this isn’t really a difficult problem in
the big scheme of things the world faces it is something that we feel is
important. As such, I offer this post as Day 20 of 365 days – What is the
hardest thing you are dealing with?

 


That shows just how good life is right now I think!

Submissive Coffee Club #176

SCC Writing prompt
Prompt Set #176
 Are you happy with quiet and graceful submission or do you sometimes long to be tamed?
I am not sure I am particularly quiet or graceful, indeed last night on Skype I was accused (quite rightly) of talking over Master when he is trying to say something. I can’t seem to help my need to get out my own view, and I know I really have to stop doing it. I am maybe acting out a little bit, since he is currently away and I am here doing the mundane stuff of going to work etc. I am probably better when we are together and I can feel the effects of his dominance over me more effectively. In turn, he probably ought to be a little stricter with me, but I guess that would take some work. In general though he is pretty good at keeping me in line.
Do you act out just to feel the reassurance of your Dominant’s power over you?
Not really, or certainly not knowingly. Having said that, I do find his power reassuring and I know that he finds my submission and his power erotic. After close on two years together, I suppose we have just settled into what feels right for us.
Why can extra structure feel good when the world outside your submission is stressful?
I think that extra structure helps me to refocus on what is important in life and makes me remember who and what I am. The only really important thing is that I am his slave and it is good for me to remember that. Serving him is my purpose in life and that is where my focus should be. By reminding me of those things, I am easily brought into line, Physical things, like wearing my plug or a posture collar, or even kneeling also help.

Limits

On returning from holiday, where access to the internet was often limited and intermittent, I have spent time catching up. It has been great getting up to date with everyones blogs, commenting and writing a little. I have also been catching up with posts on Fetlife.

I have a love hate relationship with that place. It should be a great place to meet people and to see what they are up to, to discuss topics that are mutually interesting. But as with other social media it can be a tricky place. People aren’t always treated with respect in the way that they seem to be in our little blog world.

Anyway, the other day I did a bit of clicking from friends to photos and comments they had commented on and through the whole 6 degrees of separation thing found myself on the profile of someone living not so far from me. This person, friend of a friend of a friend (or whatever) says she is a submissive. Not a slave but a submissive. In her profile she goes into great detail about her wants and desires and about her limits. A very very long list of limits, hard and harder.

The person in question is a submissive and I know myself to be Master’s slave. But she does talk about wanting to feel controlled, but in a positive way. She talks of pain, but not as punishment and nothing too painful.

This has led me to think about my approach to this whole lifestyle and the fact that I have essentially given up control of what limits I had to another. what is more, it didn’t take me long to do so. There is more to it though, I am not sure that I ever sat down and worked out what those limits were. Part of that is not because I would do anything I was every told to do by just anyone, but because at my advanced age I have decided that it is time to explore my sexuality in a way I never even expected.

It would have been so easy to read other peoples blogs, books and fettle profiles. It would be easy to watch some pornography and look at photos and decide yuk that is not for me. Well, there are things I see and read I am not so sure about but I don’t discount anything without giving it a great deal of thought. But if I had created a long list of definitely won’t do I wouldn’t have experienced the things I have, or the things I might in the future. Instead I have decided to trust the man who is my Master.

It is after all the relationship that is the important thing here, since this isn’t about play. This is about real life and the experiences that make us what we are.

Perhaps the lady whose profile I encountered is really looking for a play partner, I don’t know. But what I do know is that if you don’t open your mind a little you will never fully know what your kinks really are or the extent of your limits. Plus you won’t understand the core of a D/s relationship – the power exchange, the trust that is necessary. For me at least that is what this is about.

Random Sunday thoughts

Though I haven’t necessarily articulated it in this way, I have often felt and said that finding my submission often makes me feel that the rug has been pulled from me. I know I am on a journey somewhere, but don’t really yet understand the destination. I am clear that submission for me is a better place than the one I inhabited before, and I am also clear that a half hearted attempt at submission, such as just in the bedroom is not an option for me.

I guess though, that I really never understood how difficult this journey would be.

I always felt reasonably assured in myself before. Confident in what I needed to do. That was partly because I rarely let anyone see the part of myself that is hidden to others, let alone the one that is hidden to me too. That sadly includes my husband of 30 years. I built a wall, one that was practically impenetrable. But a wall that is gradually being dismantled.

Things that I would have brushed aside, now concern me greatly – what people think, the deeper meaning within words, the reality that I feel nervous, fragile, sometimes unable to cope with ordinary life.

I seek assurance in a way that I never thought I would. I feel the need to try to understand the future in a way that I never did before, and frankly can’t even be determined.

This is partly to do with the fact I am in the process of so many endings. But also because of the reality that I have embarked on a relationship where I don’t yet know what is expected of me. Nothing yet is clear. Where as in the past I always thought I was allowing things just to happen, in reality, I was controlling them. Suddenly I feel I need clarity, but don’t control how that emerges. I need rules, perimeters and to understand my place, but don’t really know how to make that happen.

I know I need to let go much more, but am finding doing so really hard. I need His help, His support and His care. But I also need to have it spelt out a little more explicitly.

Too Needy?

I seem to be in a chicken / egg situation. Right now, I feel as if I need help, support, attention even. What I can’t work out is this:

Is the neediness because I have so much going on in my life? Is it because I have begun to share my problems with another and let go of so much of the power and control? Is it because my submissive side is emerging and so I need the Dominant person to support me or else I feel I can’t cope?

Whatever the reason, this morning I woke feeling anxious and yes, needy.

For a reason, not yet clear, the time I thought I was going to spend with Him last night, didn’t happen.

This morning, as well as the anxiety I feel when He goes ‘off line’ as it were, I also feel as if perhaps I am too needy. I start to believe I need to pull back the control of myself, since this feeling is far too scary to cope with.

What is happening to me?

The sound of silence

When this girl thought of this topic she thought of this track. On YouTube she found this.

This is a beautiful version and the first of this song. Ok, so the words don’t quite fit what this girl wants to say, but this girl likes it and in a way it feels right.

……………………………….
This girl, in her normal state can speak quite a lot. She often needs to fill the spaces between dialogue. This may well irritate people, it would be correct to say that even this girl gets annoyed by the sound of her own voice.
Today this girl identified two distinct ways in which this verbal diarrhoea occurs: firstly when she has something very important to say and secondly when she is in a very anxious state. The trouble is, that sometimes even this girl can’t tell the difference.
Submission appears to bring this girl a new way of being.
It is possible to be calm and relaxed, it is possible not to always need to speak. There is nothing wrong in needing to speak when there is something important to say. There is nothing wrong in sharing news etc. But there is no need to speak for the sake of it.
Luckily, Sir is someone who likes the sound of silence. He is content to just be, to live in the moment.
This girl is finding that she likes that place too. She finds with This Man, This Sir that she can be a less talkative person and be happy with that.
Lately it takes less time for this girl to get into the place where that can happen and both this girl and Sir are very happy with that.