Midweek thoughts

Don’t you just love blogger? Somehow this morning i wrote pretty much half a post and then suddenly it was gone – auto save apparently not working. So, no doubt this will turn out differently than i had been planning.

Life is feeling a little busy right now, so much so that i don’t seem to have had the time for blogging. Either that, or i am not giving my blog the time in my busy schedule that it deserves. Either way this is my first post in almost a week; unusual right now.

i am caught up in a whole whirl of family, work, and of course Graeme. At times it is hard to be able to sort out in my head where my priorities at any time lie. While i function as well as ever at work and definitely enjoy my job, it doesn’t mean as much to me as it used to. The redundancy experience last year was some of that, but also the feeling that there are more interesting things i could be doing instead. At the same time, while my family is very important, i don’t want to give them priority over other aspects of my life. Those areas where i can be myself.

Parts of the separate parts of my life have started to collide. My parents know about me seeing Graeme, since my sister in law (who i confided in) told my brother (as expected) and then who then ‘let it slip’ as it were. It is fine, but i did have to experience the third degree from my dad who loves to grill me in his direct way. My parents seem pleased for me, and want me to be happy, but are a little sad at the implication – my marriage really is over.

Then there is my son, who i am close to and who i have spent quite a bit of time with since he returned from university last summer. He met Graeme briefly on Saturday and i guess due to surprise / shock at seeing him in our house fled to his room like a teenager. Then he was faced with something of an unpleasant reality when Graeme stayed over on Saturday night and he and i were in bed until late Sunday morning. The way in which my son stormed out, was quite teen like for a 23 year old. He has been brought up to be friendly and courteous. He is well spoken and intelligent but obviously this encounter was too much. Nothing has been said yet, and i am waiting for him to make the approach. This is so obviously not what he wants to happen, but since i am making the decisions on my life at the moment, it is happening in this way.

Finally there is the time i am spending with Graeme. Right now, it feels that i would like more of it. What is more there are the different aspects of our lives that we are exploring. Getting to know each other generally, going out places together, chatting, laughing. Then there is the time in bed, getting to know each others bodies (perhaps we spent too long doing that Sunday?) And then there is the D/s element which we are discussing much more and are moving towards something that is a little more along the spectrum than i have previously experienced but which i am clear i am ready for.

If i think back just a few weeks, my life felt like it was forming into a rut again. Now, far from it. i am almost in a whirl from everything that is going on. Soon though i will have a few days away with Graeme for me to recenter and for us to consider this relationship with little outside interference.

I definitely need some time and space and then i will push forward with the next phase of my life. Year 3 of my journey is upon me and that year will, i think be a little different from the previous two.

I haven’t forgotten about Fiona’s question’s, and will answer them later. If there are any more i can answer them at the same time too…..

This week

I am going to write this while the thoughts are fresh in my mind. Before I talk myself out of it. I am writing it here, because once it is here I won’t be able to pretend it isn’t what I decided and and what I should do.

At 4.30am this morning hubby walked into the bedroom to collect his clothes for work. Last week, I left them downstairs, but he still came up into the bedroom and lay on the bed for an hour before leaving. This is a man who had spent the weekend away from home, leaving on Friday and returning as this week early Monday morning. During that time there was no contact between us.

Back to this morning, he got dressed. Lay on the bed and since I was awake I spoke; just hello. In the next couple of minutes we exchanged a few words – not many from me as I was not properly awake. Then he dropped his bombshell. He uttered the words – I will be home this Saturday night. Now, I don’t know if this means all weekend, just Saturday night or what. But he hasn’t been here on a Friday, Saturday or Sunday night for months and he is usually out Mondays as well.

Something inside me clicked at that very moment. I said nothing but my mind was in over drive.

Not withstanding anything I might want to be doing next Saturday. Indeed even if I am having a quiet night on my own. I do not want this. I do not want to be with this man, spending time with him that I didn’t chose to spend.

This is the week that I must gather my strength and be honest and open. I must be clear that I want us to separate.

There I have said it.

Truth and lies

I am not by nature someone who tells lies, though as a not very popular child at school I told some quite big ones to try to get people to like me, but that is another story entirely. As an adult, I have usually tried be true to myself and true to others. I don’t lie.

Over the last 18 months or so though, I have told many many lies.

I have lied to hubby, something well documented here and I have lied to others. Usually about where I have been and who with.

Around last November, also well documented here, I began to tell the truth. To hubby firstly and most painfully. Then to members of my family, to friends and to my son. Well I say I told the truth, because to each one I have told a version of the truth, one that I have decided best suits who they are and what they need to know.

Now, once again I am telling lies. In July when S and I parted I told hubby what had happened. The months and months of verbal abuse I endured from him, stopped. So when a month later, S and I got together again, I lied by omission. For some weeks this has not been a problem, since hubby has not been here. Until Tuesday night, we had not spent one evening or night under the same roof since the end of July. On Tuesday he came home, and he stayed home for 3 nights. He might have come home on Monday, but I was not here.

I told him I was going to a conference on Tuesday and to make things easy, travel wise, I was going to a hotel on Monday night. I did go to a hotel, but there was not conference. On Tuesday I was at work as usual. On Monday evening hubby was busy searching my wardrobe to see what was missing. He discovered that some shoes I didn’t know he had ever seen, were gone. Therefore he accused me of lying. Accused me of being with someone. Of being with S.

I have maintained my story and told him that I threw the shoes out. He and I know this is a lie. But I refuse to back down.

I don’t like to lie to him. But actually I don’t feel that we have the kind of relationship any more where he deserves the truth.

I don’t love this man as a wife loves her husband. He is no longer my lover and right now he is not really a friend either.

We are heading now towards the inevitable. I have suggested counselling, but he quite rightly says this will not make me love him when I say I don’t.

I pursue my own happiness, but know that in the process I am causing distress and sadness.

I long to tell the truth and be happy about it. I hope soon it becomes a reality and there are no more lies.

Relationships

“Oh what a complicated web we weave,  when first we practise to deceive!” – Sir Walter Scott

Around a year ago, i was feeling particularly bored with my life. i was frustrated that as i approached my 50th birthday that i was in a rut. To those looking from the outside in it looked as if i had everything; a stable marriage of nearly 28 years, a good job, nice house, son doing well at university. All of those things were true, but actually that marriage was built on rocky foundations, perhaps set in quicksand. Few people in my life are aware of the truth behind the relationship between my husband and me. They know that we lived close to each other in our home town. They know that we first dated when i was just 15 and that we married soon after i qualified as a nurse. He was my only serious boyfriend. The only man i had had sex with. We seemed to be just right together, we loved and cared about each other, so people weren’t surprised that we married so young (21 and 25).

Within 5 years though we were leading practically separate lives. He claimed he needed to work away from home quite a bit and at the same time i was working shifts, including nights, as a nurse. Our relationship was often volatile, as i tried to get him to be the kind of husband i thought i wanted (one who pulled his weight around the house mainly). Often when we were invited to go out with friends, he either didn’t want to go, or wasn’t around, looking back he was almost contemptuous of them (though not to their faces), so they drifted away. At some point i discovered he was seeing someone at work and after much consideration on both our parts he told me he had ended the other relationship. i was in love, i wanted our marriage to work, and so i forgave and i trusted. We told no one about what had happened, though i did go and stay with a friend who had recently had a baby and seem to remember hinting that things were not going well. It later transpired that when i was away, hubby had his lady friend to stay in our house, in my bed.

In 1990 i became pregnant with our son. i was oblivious to the fact that my husband was involved in a long term relationship with another woman. i was blind and deaf, wrapped up as i was in the world of myself and my son. Hubby worked away, that was what i and others knew. i remember a neighbour asking me if he still lived with me. i was mortified that they would think that, but looking back he was rarely home. On occasions we would go for Sunday lunch to my parents, meeting a few streets away in separate cars. We would then arrive for the family gathering together and later, leave together and then go our separate ways.

One day when my son was around 3, on a Saturday lunchtime, i was ironing in my dining room while my son played nearby. Hubby was apparently at work. A woman turned up at the door and i invited her in. She told me that she was in a relationship with my husband and that what was more, they were engaged to be married! I was incredulous; how could this be in any way true? He arrived home and shooed her away. i was in shock and for that reason can’t exactly remember the rest of that day or the next few. A letter arrived, telling me all that she and my husband did together. It told me of weekends away, holidays, family events even an engagement party. Much of this has been denied since. Hubby maintains that she was obsessed with him and that he was too weak to say no. Somewhere between the two is probably the truth.

I have spent a lot of time since that time wondering why i stayed with my husband then. i do know that i was very frightened, of facing people, of having to cope alone, of the financial implications. So despite the fact that i didn’t trust him. That every time he touched me, my skin crawled. That the time we were together was very difficult. We carried on. He ended the relationship (probably not immediately) and we carried on. We lived and worked. We did things together and apart. We settled down into a long period of relative stability.

i did tell one or two friends, but not friends who knew my family and certainly not my family. Though i was so miserable during that time i look back and wonder that no one saw how unhappy i was. i wonder that no one asked me if everything was ok.

So that is the story of my marriage. The deceit and the lies of nearly 20 years have probably led me to the place i am now. That is why, when i started this thing with Sir, after a few months it became impossible for me to continue to lie to hubby about it. That is why i really want to tell everyone i know that the long term relationship they know about it something of a sham. It is a warning that while you can paper over the cracks, you can’t actually prevent the whole thing coming tumbling down eventually.

There is a bit more to this, but i will leave it till later …….. To be continued.

O what a week

This week’s two lunchtime phone sessions have been rounded off by a third last night. i am currently in a hotel in the East of the Country where i am on a work related course. Last evening after dinner with my kindle in the hotel bar (plus a glass of a very average sauvignon blanc) i returned to my lonely room and dressed for sir. i have mentioned before that i am intrigued by my willingness to dress as instructed when the person who did this instructing can’t see me.  Of course i did it and enjoyed the feeling of the sexy underwear as we spoke to each other on the phone. Sir had his children staying (which is why he was unable to join me) and the fact that he whispered down the phone to make sure his older child couldn’t hear if not quite asleep made it all the sexier.

Phone sex is no replacement for the real thing but when you can’t have reality it is pretty sexy and being told what to touch and where, what toys to use and where is even more erotic. We talked about where we will go next time i get down to his place and what we will do when we are there. He is pushing himself and me to try some new things and i am as he says a willing pupil.

i finished my latest book, the second in the Masters at Arms series. i think i will write a review of both the books read so far tomorrow morning.

So despite being alone in a hotel room i am a happy bunny and am feeling pretty fulfilled and loved. That can’t be a bad end to a week can it?

On the Phone

You might call this post ophone, rather than iphone!

i have a couple of days off to decorate my son’s room. i have been looking forward to these days, not specifically because of the decorating though that is quite theraputic (when you have moved on from painting the ceiling which is quite painful), particularly for someone like me who has lots to consider right now.

i love listening to music when i am doing things like painting, and i like to choose music to fit my mood. This morning’s selection has included Adele, Mumford and Sons and Keane. i find you can fit the lyrics to many a song to your thoughts and feelings. One of my favourite songs ever is Keane’s “Somewhere only we know“. This made me think of a place Master took me last week in the great English outdoors and got me thinking about the things we did there. There is something about being outside that i find very erotic. But then most things i do with Sir right now is pretty erotic. As i am not entirely shallow i also spent quite a bit of Adele’s albumn considering the state of my relationship with the man with whom i live and what i am going to do in the mid to longer term. i would like to stay living together, and to be able to see Sir openly, but i don’t think that will work for him. Still i will continue to work that one through in my head. i think i will return to that at a later date here as this place is quite a good one for thinking things through.

Sir arranged with me yesterday that we would have a phone ‘chat’ today at lunchtime. We arranged what i would wear. i really do love wearing what sir tells me to, even if i know he can’t see me. Today it was my split bra and knicker set, suspenders, stockings and high heel fuck me shoes. i have had to put myself out and at 12.30 there i was having my second shower of the day (decorating is hot and colourful work) before dressing. We have been talking about Sir buying me some nipple clamps; this idea definitely appeals to me as i very much like having then pinched and bitten. So today he suggested clothes pegs to try it out. And wow what an amazing experience.iI put them on while we were talking about things we have done and will do in the future. Boy it was like being short circuited! i had the most amazing orgasm right there on the phone with Sir. Nipples pegged and clit massaged. i  had to lie down afterwards due to being just a little on the light headed side. Sir was pretty pleased and is definitely keen on the clamps now, and wow so am i.

So back in my decorating clothes; back to work. Just got to decide on some suitable music for the afternoon session. something up beat to match my mood i think!

Keep it simple

I have decided that my life is complicated enough that i would be well advised not to get involved in more than one extra maritial affair at a time. I also think that keeping that relationship slightly at arms length and on a more sexual level is what i am most comfortable with right now.  I am going to tell A (the serious guy who hasn’t spoken on the phone to me or met me and who wants me to wear a collar for him) that i am not yet ready for this kind of committment. I suspect that once i gave him my phone number he would be pretty intense. I have enjoyed our chats and he sure has a way of getting a girl to open up. But it feels like too much too soon.

I am seeing Master again on Wednesday. I do feel guilty about the way in which i am currently deceiving hubby, but i am going to go ahead and do it anyway. For the second time in a couple of weeks i am taking annual leave to do this and i know that is something i can’t make a habit of. For once in my life i am really putting my wants, needs and desires before anyone else and that in itself is quite scary and unusual. Generally my life is at the beck, call and mercy of others. Master makes me feel good in a way no man ever has and i think for once i am going to be selfish and enjoy it while i can.

Master loves that i am experiencing new feelings and that i love what we are able to do together. I know that he feels that he owns that part of me already and since i am consumed with those feelings for a good part of the time that he owns much more of me than that. I don’t know how any of this will pan out but i know that i must just live for each day and enjoy what i have. There will be more to say after Wednesday!