Reflections on us and the blog

We have been together for 4 years in February. By anyone’s judgement that is a proper, long term relationship. We still don’t live together, but tend to spend more time together than apart. When apart we Skype, so contact is daily. We have settled into a comfortable existence that is as much about ordinary mundane stuff as it is about kink and sex. To prevent this blog from becoming dull and boring, somewhere along the line I stopped writing so much. After all, who wants to read about us sitting on the sofa with a bottle of wine chatting about our next (or last holiday)? Time perhaps to reflect on our relationship and the blog?

Sex for us is often similar in the way it plays out and while far from boring, writing about it feels quite repetitive. We don’t play as much as we did for a variety of reasons. Time and our social life and holidays are part of the reason. Laziness might be a factor too. I wonder if my lack of blog posts is laziness too. Maybe I just need to get off my arse (as it were) and write stuff about us. I love to look back and see what we have done over time. I know Master does too. But if I don’t write about it then we can hardly do that!

I often post photos for Sinful Sunday that have a back story. Quite rightly, I keep those posts short since Sinful Sunday is about the photo. But rarely these days do I go back and fill in the gaps. This feels like a mistake. Take this photo, that I posted a couple of Sunday’s ago. It stands alone as an image, the beautiful colours, the light streaming in onto the bed and spreading across my face. Spread out naked, exposed. Clearly I didn’t take this photo (unless I used a timer). No one else is in shot, but I know that the other person in the room is responsible for me wanting to lie there naked. Still in the throw of ecstasy.

While we were away over the past couple of weeks our libido, missing for much of the year returned. That morning he had awoken and demanded I move to the edge of the bed so he could lick me out. The photo was taken many orgasms later. I don’t think we had penetrative sex that day, but as is often the case that didn’t matter. This is a happy sexy photo, which screams contentment. It occurs to me that my life with Master is good and deserves to be written about. I am planning to do much more of that. My November challenge for myself!

 

WTF?

This afternoon I sat in a room with the person who was my manager in 2012, we had a great chat about our working lives then and now. We both agreed that we worked in a toxic environment then and are happy to be where we are now.  The meeting finished just after 4 and since I had driven there I made my way home. Given that last evening I spent time looking at posts from 4 years ago that conversation feels relevant.  It took me back, once again to the place and person I was in 2012.  person who I know is different to the one I am now.

Arriving home tonight around 5.15, I know that he would pitch up pretty soon and is as is usual the ex turned up at around 5.30. Apparently my texts to him are too direct, I need to start my sentences with: “would you mind if” and some such. But this is how it is.

He takes a shower in our house every night since his lady friend has a 1970’s style bath, no shower. He hates a bath and hasn’t sat in one for years. Obviously he hasn’t been to the kind of places I have where they have a wonderful spa bath, or tried candles, bubbles and sparking wine at home (though let it not be this home)

Discussions were cordial but to  be frank this particular statement stuck in my mind:
“I still own half of this house, I pay £80 each month. I pay for Sky TV”
As I told him £80 is nothing in comparison to the mortgage, utility bills, council tax…….In excess of £600. If he didn’t pay the Sky TV bill I would cut it off. Who needs satellite TV (other than Master using the mobile app that comes with hubby’s deal to watch cricket) any way?
Then there is the apartment in France for which he pays nothing. Meanwhile for the past 3 years he has enjoyed 2 holidays a year, for the price of the flights.
I need to get out of this situation and to leave him to it. Really! WTF?

It’s been over a month

Since my last post.

I feel kind of ashamed that I am not posting regularly. I visit often, I read the blogs on my blog list but for one reason or another haven’t felt inclined to post here.
Why is that?
Well it isn’t because I have stopped being Master’s slave. No matter how vanilla our lives are, I am still His collared slave.  He welcomes my input into how our life together runs, but is always in control and in charge.
To be honest there isn’t much kink, but that is mainly because we have been so busy. We have been working together to get my house ready for the sale and then last week we were on a much needed holiday which we spent staying on a narrow boat.
We intend to get the kinky side of our relationship back on track soon. But we have more painting and sorting out to do yet. We can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it still seems to be far in the distance.
Master suggested I should post more of our everyday life here while we are getting the kinky side back on track.
Maybe, just maybe that is the answer.
Meantime. this:
His photo of me, altered on his photography app. This is quite cute don’t you think?

Some things feel too hard

On a couple of occasions recently it has occured to me that I really should try harder at getting myself properly separated from the man who is still legally my husband. The first was while we were in Amsterdam and I was challenged by the friend we were staying with about my living arrangements. This was fairly near the start of the evening, before we had drunk too much wine. Much of what was discussed later has become something of a blur, but I do know that the discussion about my house and about my ex was no less honest and open than the rest of our conversations. I remember admitting how difficult I am finding it to give up the house. This is something of a revelation, since (and I admitted this), there was a time that I didn’t actually like it here. It turns out that dislike was about some of the less pleasant memories associated with it, plus the man I was living with. Now I fully admit I am struggling to give it up. The second occasion was over the weekend when I was writing my kink of the week post about being kidnapped and / or held captive. As I wrote, and the post emerged from my keyboard, I discovered the truth (well perhaps uncovered it) that if Master were to take me away from here and trap me at his place (or anywhere else), then I wouldn’t have to deal with the difficult stuff.

But of course these things do need to be dealt with. It is impossible to pretend otherwise, in my case for much longer.
There are some very odd things about my husband’s behaviour right now which need to stop and the only way to make that happen is for me to say and do something. He has not spent a night in the house for over a year, to my knowledge anyway. At weekends he definitely keeps away, and I can comfortably wander around naked, have Master to stay, and do anything else we care to do without fear of him walking in. During the working week though, that is not the case. Every morning he leaves the place he currently lives with another woman and on the way to work he walks into this house, stays (mostly) downstairs and then leaves an hour or two later. I don’t usually see him as this is early and I am sleeping. This morning though I woke early, got up to the toilet and discovered that he was already downstairs (I saw his car when I looked out of the window) at 4am.
In the evening he comes here on the way home from work, takes a shower and shaves. I admit, that I have continued to provide him with shower gel, shampoo, shaving gel etc to use. Generally I don’t see him as I arrive home when he has left.
Why though do I continue to allow these things to happen? He pays nothing towards the upkeep of the house, save the occasional contribution towards the mortgage and the annual  TV license and satellite TV he has continued to pay. Many of his belongings remain here and there has been no separation of possessions of any kind.
Why?
Because it feels just too hard.
But, other things felt hard too and I managed to get past that feeling and move on.
I am writing this now, while I need to be reminded of that way I feel at the moment – tired because I haven’t slept enough and irritated at both him and myself because I have not dealt with something I have spent months saying I must do.
This feels hard, but really it isn’t too hard and it has to be done. There, I have said it. Now Julie, get on and do it!

The person I am now

On Sunday, I wrote about the slave I feel i am now. In that post, I considered the changes I have made during my relationship with Master and the way in which perhaps evolution has taken place. As a happier person, someone who no longer needs to take charge of many situations, perhaps my natural self has emerged for probably the first time.

Encounters with my ex are still a challenge. He is a man who for many years used me as his main form of support and who at times seems to struggle in taking control of his own life. My son is frustrated by the way his dad interacts with him but luckily he doesn’t expect me to intervene. You see, I couldn’t be the person i was when we were together. The person who made the decisions, who managed finances and life in general. At times he still frustrates me, but he is not my problem. As we move further apart, dealing with him becomes easier, even if I haven’t quite managed to properly extract myself from this marriage and I still live here in our house. I also acknowledge I haven’t dealt with the way he just walks in still, but increasingly I am separating myself from that and am unaffected by it. I know what needs to be done and just need to get on with it.

Next there is the relationship I have with my mum. Probably for the first time since my dad died, or perhaps even for a much longer period than that I am managing to distance myself from her. Her needs of me are such that she does rely on me to take her shopping and to help with the general management of her life and home. But I do have two brothers who are being required to step up. Gradually she is calling me less and also gradually she is emerging from the pain of bereavement. Hopefully this year we will help her become more independent. What is true though, is she actually doesn’t begrudge me my happiness, she is learning to leave me alone at the weekends when I am with Master and when she calls it is for a chat and no more. Gradually too, I am letting go of the feeling that I need to be needed.

As for my son, well he is living with his girlfriend, developing his career, and having a good time. He and I have the relationship we need. He knows where I am when he needs me and while I would like to see more of him, I know that he needs the space right now. Happily he now seems to approve of my relationship with Master and for that I am extremely happy.

Finally there is one person who seems to recently been trying to renew his relationship with me over the past couple of weeks. I will always be grateful to S for helping me to see that I didn’t need to put up with the life I had. Grateful also for helping me find my submissive self but much more the sexual person I really am. But he also was the man who dumped me twice. He is the man who made me feel he was the Dom of my dreams only to reveal himself as something of a fraud. We have remained friends on Facebook and Fetlife, though for many many months there was no contact. Suddenly over the past couple of weeks he has appeared on Facebook and begun to chat. Both times i have been polite but have also felt that this isn’t what i want. His assertion that he only has good memories of me isn’t exactly reciprocated and I have been feeling that now is the time to permanently cut off all contact. Reading Morning Star’s post today made me think that perhaps that is exactly what I need to do.

The slave I am now

I have been looking back some posts from 2 years ago, early in our relationship and have been thinking about the person I was then in comparison to now.

Life at that time felt busy – a new relationship was developing, but it was one that bears little similarity to the one we now have. It was clear from the start that he was my Dom, and that I was his submissive girl though at that time it manifested itself in the bedroom or playroom rather than all of the time. Gradually though the need of both of us was for something more, something that was a constant, that didn’t disappear because we were apart.

Of course part of this is about the relationship itself developing through time, about us knowing each other, about us having shared experiences and developing a history. But I am pretty sure that there is more to this than familiarity. The M/s dynamic that when we look back, was always evident has enabled me to become the slave I am and that Master wanted all along (even if he didn’t know it either). Kayla Lords post yesterday about using their D/s relationship to manage stressful times resonated with me. Master and I certainly pick up on cues that tell us that one of us is feeling stressed or anxious and use our dynamic to make sure we talk things through, that we use kink to help us through and that we reaffirm our positions as Master and slave. I am mindful of who I am at all times, and know that he is the boss, it is he who makes the decisions. I also know that I have an overwhelming desire to please and serve him which helps me to focus during those difficult times.

The key difference that people notice about me now is that I appear to be a happier, more fulfilled person. They assume, quite rightly that Master is to a great extent responsible for this change. He is, but probably not in the way that they imagine. Yes, the fact I have someone to tell everything to helps as does his encouragement for me to put my and our lives before those of everyone else quite as much as was the case. But the real fulfilment comes from the safety of knowing that I am his slave, his possession. The collar that he placed around my neck last July is part of that, a tangible symbol of my slavery. It does however go much deeper than that, right to the core of who I am as a person.

This morning I have agreed that I must remind myself of my slavery in a much more overt way, and stop using the word I when he and I are together or speaking to each other. This is a rule that has been in place for a long time, but one which I tend to forget about and often only use when we are in bed or playing. Master suggested to me that I often forget who and what I am when life gets busy and he is right. Saying the words “this girl” at the beginning of a sentence really does help to remind me and also to make me think about what I am about to say or do. It will also help me to make sure I am asking rather than telling.

I often write in the third person on here, and that has become second nature (even though I haven’t done it on this post), and that is what needs to happen when I am speaking to Master. After 2 years together this slave is still evolving into the person he wants her to be.

Master’s concerns

There have been some times recently when I have gone a little off the rails. These have usually been when I have found myself alone after having been with Master for a period of time either here or at his house. Nothing serous has happened, but generally I have had a little too much wine and then got myself into an emotional place that I really don’t want to get into. The result is usually me sending him texts which in the morning I can’t remember sending. I can’t put my finger on exactly why these things have happened, but I know that he finds the texting reminiscent with his previous slave who was pretty high maintenance.

I say reminiscent, but actually I am pretty sure that a drunken lapse on 2 or 3 occasions is nothing like what he experienced previously (I have to say here that she was never drunk, but did send long messages, and then more messages if they weren’t responded to immediately). What is more I am pretty self sufficient in most of my life, and am perfectly capable of making sound decisions outside  of our relationship.
This Sunday I broke the previous 2 week cycle (can 2 weeks actually be a cycle) and was neither drunk or needy. Any texts were just part of our usual conversation.
But none the less, last night he expressed his concern that he was in some way to blame for any behaviour lapses on my part.
Over the past several months Master has been suffering from a shoulder problem. Predominantly pain in his right shoulder which he has struggled to cope with. Of course being the person he is, no actual diagnosis has been obtained since he hasn’t actually sought medical help. As someone who used to work in rheumatology, I do know however that these kinds of problems often have to run their course and that any medication or physiotherapy treats the symptoms but that the actual problem sorts itself out in the fullness of time.
This shoulder problem has affected Master’s willingness and ability to take part in any impact play with me, his slave. There have been precious few times this year when the violet wand or the hitachi wand has come out and I am not sure when I was last tied up or flogged.
But we have been extremely busy this year. We have been on two wonderful holidays, we have had a number of weekends away, we have been out on numerous days and nights out. We have attended a munch regularly and are generally out more than we are home when together. I work full time and have my mum to manage / care for too. I also have an ex husband who is struggling with the final stages of our break up.
Personally I don’t believe I have been neglected in any way. I am not unhappy with our relationship in any way. I love the sex and play, but I love our time together much much more.
If I act out from time to time it is because I sometimes lack a little self restraint when I am alone. But from where I sit, I don’t think that is a massive problem.
I hope he agrees.

A year on

As new year 2014 dawned I was, without knowing it in the final throws of my relationship with S. Having spent a few days together, one of them on a geocaching trip which left me with mud down to my underwear, I returned home. A few days later he unceremoniously dumped me (for the second time), for someone else.

This was probably the wake up call I needed. There really was no need for me to end my marriage for the kind of relationship I had with him. One with someone who lived 2 hours away and where I did all of the running around. Don’t get me wrong, he treated me well. We had some great times and what is more he taught me a lot about my sexual side. However he also taught me what a D/s relationship isn’t rather than what it is.
Fast forward to new year 2015, and with the benefit of hindsight I can look back on the whole of last year, on the highs and the lows. The relationship Master and I started in January last year in an Alt chatroom and in real life in February was meant to be for play. For me it was an opportunity to explore my submission and to discover much more about what BDSM is about. For Him, it was meant to provide Him with the play dates He wanted and needed until His slave joined Him later in the year. The outcome has been something completely different. What we have is a relationship which while it has the Master / slave dynamic at it’s centre is really much much more.Being with Master has given me the confidence to deal with some difficult issues over the past year. To be clearer with hubby about my intentions, so that he is at last beginning to deal with the realities. Of course, it helps that he has another relationship, one which he maintains is platonic. Whatever the truth about that is, he is spending little time in the family home and seems much less needy than he once was. The other challenge was of course my dad’s illness, his death and the subsequent problems with my mum. Thankfully things are beginning to settle down as she begins to come to terms with her new life and we work out how much support is still needed.

On new year’s day, for the first time in over 35 years, I took someone new home to meet my family. For the whole of last year, I was open that I was seeing someone, but given that I expected the relationship to be as described above, I was in no hurry to introduce Master into that part of my life. My son is different, he (kind of) lives here, and so was bound to bump into Master. What is more, it wasn’t that He was hidden, it was just that my marriage wasn’t properly ended and anyway I expected this relationship to be transient.Taking Master into my family environment was a big thing for both of us. It confirms that this is a relationship which is ongoing and that for me, I am serious about my choices. My family are important to me, and the past year, has made us closer than we perhaps were. For Him, someone who is not worried about that kind of thing for Himself, I think He found it a little nerve wracking. Of course we didn’t need to worry, I didn’t expose Him to them for too long and we emerged unscathed. My brother’s were watching football and their team won, so apparently Master is a new lucky mascot!

As this new year begins, I feel positive about the future. I know there will be plenty more bumps in the road, not least the prospect of my son permanently moving to live with his girlfriend and me leaving my home. But I have to admit, I do feel good right now.

Balance and control

I know that things have been pretty quiet around here lately. Somehow, the combination of work, caring responsibilities and spending time with Master have meant that I have had less time to blog. Usually, the construction of my posts are either planned out in my head for several hours or even days, or else are bashed out quickly. Sometimes though, it is difficult to find the headspace and equally hard to find spare time to actually type, proof read and post. It is not that I have a shortage of topics, so perhaps now is the time to stop the excuses and just write?

The main thing I am trying to get in my life, is a sense that it is under some kind of balance and control.

Control maybe seems a strange word to use, when I am Master’s slave. But actually it probably is a very good word. I am not in a position to hand over complete control to another person, supposing that person wanted such a thing. He doesn’t. But that doesn’t mean that in every other part of my life I need to take complete control.

In the past I would have sought to manage everything about my mum’s recent illness. In fact, doing that this time would have been more than any human could cope with. She was ill, but she was very demanding; often failing to recognise when it was appropriate to ring hourly and when it wasn’t. At the same time there was information to try to gain from the medical staff, shopping to buy to make her life more comfortable and things to manage at her house. My brothers made it clear that I wasn’t expected to cope with everything and I had the added support from Master, who kept reminding me that I needed time for myself and time to spend with him.

Then there is the ongoing relationship with soon to be ex-hubby. I put the final break-up on hold while coping with my dad’s death and it’s aftermath. But now I am ready to move on and am struggling to get him to agree to what needs to be done. This is despite the fact we see little of each other and that we no longer live as man and wife in any way. Thank goodness for Master’s advice and support and for his thoughts on how I should manage individual problems and situations.

For the first time in my adult life I am learning how to not only consult properly with a partner, but realising that I can strike a balance. When I need to make decisions, I can do so with help and support, full in the knowledge that I am not a weak person for doing so. What is more, giving up complete control when I am with Master, allows me to be strong enough to be the person I need to be when I am not with him.

He is not always there, but somehow his influence always is.

6 Months

Friday was the 6 month anniversary of the day I met a man in a pub for a drink. That day was cool and damp. The UK had been ‘enjoying’ one of the wettest winters on record and the roads around that village were flooded. We took a little walk around the village to look at the sights – The main attraction, the house of a famous author and playwright was closed for the winter. The two local churches (one ruined), were open and we walked around. The man I met on that day, now my Master, says He felt my submission as we strolled, as He touched me and as we kissed. Certainly something happened.

A couple of weeks ago we returned. We had arranged to meet my friend Destiny and her Master for lunch. We got there early and went to the famous author and playwright’s house. It was a beautiful summer’s day. We wandered around and we sat in the beautiful gardens. As is His way, Master stroked his girl’s leg as we stood or sat together. He likes to remind me of who I am and who owns me at times like that. Of course, I wore no underwear on that second time, and was accessible to Him at all times, that is a rule.
The lunch meeting was pleasant, this was the first time we had all met in real time. It was fun getting to know each other properly and to chat.
Afterwards we all walked around the church yards and into the churches, Master and I spoke of that day, 6 months before. Master reminded me that He felt my submission on that day, a submission that has grown and that we both feel so intensely now. There were quite a few people around, including of course our friends, but there were times on that afternoon that I felt that we were truly the only people  in that beautiful place.
On Thursday night, probably already after midnight, we spoke of the journey I have taken since that day, February 1st. We spoke of the ways in which I am different – calmer, more measured in my approach to things. We spoke of my submission which is deeper than it has ever been.
I can’t say how glad I feel I met the man I now call Master and that we found something we both needed inside of us both.