One to remember

After a Christmas, that in many ways I would like to forget, New Year was something different. Entirely different.

My New Year was spent with the lovely S, and he was pretty keen to make it something special for us both. Special and very different.

He had been working, and I had travelled down during the late afternoon. I arrived shortly after he got in. With no special plans we decided on a quiet evening, the two of us – with food, wine and some kinky sex.

A lot of kinky sex.

For this evening S was once again my Master, in a way he has not really been since the summer. I wore  stockings and heels as usual, but tonight I wore my collar once more. I had my nipples clamped. I was cuffed. I had my panties stuffed into my mouth. I was spanked with both his hand and the riding crop. I was made to lick his ass and balls and then I was allowed to suck his cock. He made me sit on his face and then he gave me the most amazing set of orgasms. I think that was most of part one.

Part 2 was later in the evening, and involved a little more wine and sex on the sofa, or with me knelt on it and then over it. The whole thing is something of a blur.

As midnight approached we cuddled up sipping sparkling wine. He announced that he wanted us upstairs having sex when midnight arrived. Knowing that my family would start to contact me at midnight, I was forced to switch off my phone.

So at midnight, my Sir had his cock inside my backside. He was owning me and I was definitely his slut. Which of course I told him – at his request.

For both of us it was the perfect end to the year and a wonderful way to start the next.

It was definitely one for us both to remember.

Happy New Year to you all.

Life feels good

I haven’t posted here for a few weeks. For once, it isn’t because I don’t want to write something, or because there has been nothing to say. It is just because I have been busy; and in a good way.

I spent part of last weekend with S. After a day of getting on top of home related things (Cupboard clearing part of the preparation for a new kitchen which gets fitted this coming week), I set off. For once, the roads were clear and within 2 hours (trust me that is good going), I was with him. We spent a pleasant evening with some of his friends – BBQ, wine and good conversation – in what will be the last evening out of doors this year.
Back at his we were not late to bed. We were both weary (he had been on a cycle ride during the day and I had as I said been busy in the kitchen), but a few kisses led to some touches and before I knew it, he was inside me. After 3 weeks, it was a wonderful feeling as he pushed inside and stretched me once again. Then as we moved together, as he made me cum and then as he pushed his cock into my tight tight ass. Finally as he came inside me, I felt a huge sense of pleasure and well being.
In the morning S cooked us some very good scrambled eggs with toast – did I ever say how much he looks after me when I am with him? Yes of course, but it is worth saying that he is a great cook!! So much so that I don’t really like scrambled eggs, but love his!!
The day was beautiful, more like summer than some summer days often are. We spent some time planning a geocaching trip. Then, went back to bed.
This time I put on some underwear. Stockings and suspenders, heels – his favourite kind of thing. Then lay in wait.
Stroking me, he noted just how wet I was. Wet and wanton. Positioning himself so he could carry on stroking me, he made it clear he wanted me to suck his cock. I took him into my mouth, gradually taking him deeper. Somehow, I was in the optimum position and he slipped further and further down, yet unusually for me, I didn’t gag. Not even once! All the time, he was working my clit, stroking me there, pinching and bringing me to the edge, time and time again. For the first time in maybe months I really let myself sink into those feelings.
At some point, I requested nipple clamps. But he said he wasn’t quite sure where they were, so applied a human version. There were moments over the next little while when I wondered quite why I had made that request, but as always there was a fine line between pain and pleasure and so pleasure won!
We spent the day out in the beautiful countryside not far from where S lives. Walking, chatting, getting my all time best number of caches in a day. Eating our picnic, drinking our tea. Generally enjoying each others company.
On the way home, it occurred to me that I am just pretty happy right now. Things with S are different to before.  I am not sure how, but they are and what is more they are different in a very good way.

An evening together

The place he was staying, courtesy of work, was about an hour away. Certainly I was there an hour after getting into my car to get to him. I think that if we lived an hour from each other, rather than 2 or more, life would be much much easier.

He had a room overlooking a road bridge. This greatly appealed to his kinky side. He could stand behind me, touching me and finally pushing inside me while I bent over the top floor window. While a few hundred metres away, hundreds and hundreds of cars drove by. The drivers slowing for the toll booth oblivious as to what was going on nearby.
It was a large room with a very large bed. We made good use of it very quickly. Riding him, he told me to ‘fuck his cock slut’. Of course I rode him hard, moving myself up and down on him.
Then on all fours, he was inside me from behind. Pounding hard into me. Just what we both needed. The best way to relieve the stresses of the working day. At last he pushed into my backside and he owned me again. We were connected as only we can. Wonderful.
Dinner, then watching tv together. I have to admit to drifting off a few times as I really was tired. But what a treat to spend time like this.
Then to bed.
He stroked me, bringing me to orgasm. We both expected that we would soon sleep. But feeling his cock, I realised it was pretty hard and so, I found my way down to take it in my mouth. From there it was a matter of time before he was inside me again. Hard, hot and then cumming.
It was just an evening after work, but it was very very special. It was how I would like more of my evenings to be, though I don’t necessarily need to be in a hotel to do it. I just need to be living about an hour away from him.

Truth and lies

I am not by nature someone who tells lies, though as a not very popular child at school I told some quite big ones to try to get people to like me, but that is another story entirely. As an adult, I have usually tried be true to myself and true to others. I don’t lie.

Over the last 18 months or so though, I have told many many lies.

I have lied to hubby, something well documented here and I have lied to others. Usually about where I have been and who with.

Around last November, also well documented here, I began to tell the truth. To hubby firstly and most painfully. Then to members of my family, to friends and to my son. Well I say I told the truth, because to each one I have told a version of the truth, one that I have decided best suits who they are and what they need to know.

Now, once again I am telling lies. In July when S and I parted I told hubby what had happened. The months and months of verbal abuse I endured from him, stopped. So when a month later, S and I got together again, I lied by omission. For some weeks this has not been a problem, since hubby has not been here. Until Tuesday night, we had not spent one evening or night under the same roof since the end of July. On Tuesday he came home, and he stayed home for 3 nights. He might have come home on Monday, but I was not here.

I told him I was going to a conference on Tuesday and to make things easy, travel wise, I was going to a hotel on Monday night. I did go to a hotel, but there was not conference. On Tuesday I was at work as usual. On Monday evening hubby was busy searching my wardrobe to see what was missing. He discovered that some shoes I didn’t know he had ever seen, were gone. Therefore he accused me of lying. Accused me of being with someone. Of being with S.

I have maintained my story and told him that I threw the shoes out. He and I know this is a lie. But I refuse to back down.

I don’t like to lie to him. But actually I don’t feel that we have the kind of relationship any more where he deserves the truth.

I don’t love this man as a wife loves her husband. He is no longer my lover and right now he is not really a friend either.

We are heading now towards the inevitable. I have suggested counselling, but he quite rightly says this will not make me love him when I say I don’t.

I pursue my own happiness, but know that in the process I am causing distress and sadness.

I long to tell the truth and be happy about it. I hope soon it becomes a reality and there are no more lies.

What I am looking forward to

I am seeing S tomorrow night. Unusually for us, fate has offered the opportunity for a night together just a week after the last one. He is on a course and needs to stay in a hotel and that hotel is easily accessible to me after work (traffic permitting).
I have been feeling unusually horny over this weekend. I am not sure if that’s because I know I will be seeing him or if it is my hormones. Like other bloggers, I am peri-menopausal (1 period since March, hot flushes, strange food cravings etc) and so my hormones are all over the place. Recently I have had pretty much no need for the rabbit, since I haven’t been too bothered about an orgasm, but this weekend I have felt differently. The new state of our relationship has meant (as I said yesterday), that he has been even more attentive to my needs than usual. This weekend though, I have even been looking at BDSM porn. Quite unusual for me.
The things I crave and hope to experience tomorrow:
His fingers on my clit as we kiss. He likes quick access to his pussy and generally gets it. I will be wearing a dress and think I might put the stockings on before I drive over and then the heels when I get to his hotel. The fact that this will turn him on, will make me wet even as I drive over there.
Pain – as he twists my nipples, and as he spanks me. I have been thinking about nipple clamps this weekend and that special pain that spreads through your breasts and into your clit. I am definitely considering nipple piercing now and I know he will love that. The combination of nipple pain and pressure on my clit is likely to make my knees weak (if standing).
His cock – I suppose I should have put this first, and I pretty much expect to have my mouth filled very soon after I arrive. That slightly salty but also sweet taste as the first precum oozes out is a favourite thing. Also the feeling of the tip hitting the back of my throat and making me gag. If I am in love with any part of that man, it is probably his cock – it is a good one and of course he knows it.
His cock – inside my pussy. As he pushes it in and I have to stretch to accommodate him. That is an amazing feeling. I love to be joined to him, to feel him inside. He doesn’t often cum inside my pussy, but when he does it almost sends me into oblivion.
His cock – pushing inside my anus. Slowly, slowly stretching me. Entering me in his own special way that no one else has ever done. That part of our time together is about his ownership. When his cock is inside there, he possesses me, I am his slut. At that point there is no doubt of who we are. He is my Dominant and I am his submissive.
When I leave on Tuesday morning I will remember the little things that have happened and the things that we have said to each other. As I drive, I will wriggle a little around the seat in my car. I will be able to taste him, feel his hands, but most of all I will be able to feel his cock inside my backside.  That will stay with me all day, at least.

Photo: Oral pleasures

No longer lost, but not quite found either

So S and I are back in the swing of seeing each other again and things are, I think, pretty good on that front. He seems like his old self, and what’s more, he is keen to see me and to touch me. I am happy to comply with his wishes on dress, and actually I like to dress up for him, to wear the stockings and heels. He finds me attractive and that helps me feel attractive in return. Dominance and submission is always present in the bedroom but outside it our relationship has become pleasantly average. I don’t feel particularly unhappy about that right now. Essentially I can go with the flow, and take our friendship and also give and take the sex.

Due to the unpleasantness I experienced from hubby all of the time he knew of my affair with S, I have decided not to tell him about the recent turn of events. So he doesn’t know I am seeing S again. I feel a little guilty about this, but the emphasis is on ‘little’. Although we appear to live together still. i.e. he has his belongings here and he visits pretty much daily, actually we really aren’t. I don’t actually remember the last time we spent an evening together, or indeed the last time he stayed the night here. He returned on Thursday from a trip to Rome with a friend, appearing on Friday morning to get ready for work. He lay on the bed and held my hand, he told me he had missed me and asked if we could have lunch together. My new job means I can’t just drop everything and come home, and we work quite a distance from each other. I suggested lunch today, and he said he couldn’t do that as he is helping a friend with a job in his garden. So essentially we remain in limbo, unable or perhaps unwilling to have the conversation which will bring things to their natural conclusion. Meanwhile, since we see so little of each other, we are actually on good terms. We are able to text and talk on the phone, without unpleasantness, but then part of that is because he thinks he no longer needs to say anything unpleasant given that he doesn’t know I have seen S again.

The fact is that I have a marriage which might be on its last legs, but which is harder to let go of after nearly 30 years than I might have imagined.

I have a relationship with S which is based on trust, friendship and lust. It contains kinky sex, a bit of humiliation, dressing up for my man and also some pain. If anything he is enjoying showing me how much he cares for me, and attending to my needs just that little bit more.

I still feel like I am on some kind of journey, I just don’t quite know where I am headed, and how long it will take. I guess though that I will know when I am there and what’s more, I will enjoy myself on the way. For now, that will do for me.

Photo from myboundwife.com

Still here

I haven’t had much to write about over the past couple of weeks, plus I have been busy with work and things. That doesn’t mean I am not here and it doesn’t mean I am not keeping up to date with other blogs.

Reading what everyone else is up in their daily lives makes me a little jealous. More and more, I would like to be in a relationship where the D/s and the sex didn’t have to be planned out. Living in the marital home, mostly without a husband, a hundred miles from the man I am involved with is not conducive to spontaneity. It is not as if he can call round and make demands on me, any more than I can call round his and offer myself to him. Still we are where we are and generally things are good.

Having said that, we have something planned out for tomorrow. What is more, we are heading back to the hotel where we first met. The place where I lost my virginity (so to speak), where I dressed in clothes which could only be described as slutty – short skirt, wrap around top, black stockings and heels. Walked into the hotel bar and essentially picked up my man. I was beyond nervous, so much so that I remember little about the whole thing, other than we had a lot of sex for a very long time and that I had anal for the first time. I know that I knelt before him and sucked him and that he used me. I also know that it was good, because I came back for more, much more.

Tomorrow, things will be a little different. For one thing we know each other well. Things will be much more relaxed than that first time. Plus we are going to get out into the countryside, picnic and geocache. But he will again take on the role of Master and I will be his submissive. He may well have me suck him in the woods, he will probably touch what is his and I will do what he wants willingly. Back in the room, I will dress for him in the way he likes and he will call me his slut. He will tell me to bend over and I am pretty sure he will slap me, perhaps with his hand, a belt, or if I am lucky he will have brought the riding crop! If I am even luckier he will have brought the nipple clamps and my nipples will be already tingling and burning.

For a few hours I will be his again. His to use as he wishes. That is what we are offering each other right now, and that is what we accept. For now this will do because I like being with him, he likes being with me and life is complicated enough to not take what you can from it.

Definitely more to come in a couple of days.

Never say never

The weekend went well.

There was no guarantee it would, but it did.
I was tentative as I arrived and he seemed as nervous around me as I was around him. Neither of us knew whether it would be the same.
In one way it was quite different. Neither of us took our D/s roles for granted. Indeed if anything he wanted me to take something of a dominant role to begin with. He wanted to please me and he wanted me to tell him how angry I was with him, to tell him how much of a bastard I thought he was. Trouble is, when you are sitting on someones face while they lick you, and turn you on more than you have been turned on in a month, it is hard to hate them. Especially when that someone is a man who you still desire, much as you would like to pretend otherwise.

The scene we played out at that point was that I was no longer any one’s slut, let alone his and it was his mission to turn me on so much, make me so wild with desire that I would revert. As I said to him, I couldn’t even play hard to get, since I wanted his cock so much! I didn’t call him Sir, not then. The sex was kinky, but there was no overt declaration of our roles. We both took what we needed from each other and that was enough.

The rest of the day was just fun. There was lunch, then a trip out for a walk, trip to a local museum and a new hobby of geocaching which he has just taken up and a bug for which he has now infected me with. Then in the evening dinner, a couple of films and just generally being together.

I knew we needed to talk about what had happened, but was happy to wait until the following morning, after breakfast.

Things in the new relationship did not go to plan, he is sorry he hurt me, I am sorry he hurt me, but also I expressed my surprise at the extent to which I was so affected by our break up. We talked through some of the reasons for that (I will try to put some of it into my journey page some time soon) and then we moved on to getting some pleasure from each other’s bodies.

What I can say is that we still turn each other on. He still knows how to touch me, how to kiss me and just where to put his tongue for maximum pleasure. I worshipped his wonderful cock and my reward was having him put it wherever he wanted. I guess that was his reward too. Plus I admitted he was still my Master and there is very little else to say about the matter here and now.

They say never go back. I am not sure I have done that because it feels a bit different. Anyway, I think I would say never say you will never return because you might just miss out on something good.

New page

That is how it feels.

Perhaps writing my last post, about how lost I was feeling was significant. Maybe it made me turn some kind of corner and to decide what I want to do next.

My decision might surprise some people; it certainly surprises me.

I said there is no going back, and to some extent that’s true. I will never again experience the freedom of thinking that whatever He tells me about his commitment to me, that actually he has no better offer. I will never be so naive as to believe that just because we have had sex today, I couldn’t be told He is ready to move on. I bear the emotional scars of trusting too much, of believing that I wasn’t emotionally involved when clearly I was.

But, it is not over, not completely.

I am going back.

I don’t know if this will be a one off, going back or if it will be longer term.

Strange as it may seem, I still trust Him. He did what he thought was right, even if it turned out to be premature. I found out a lot about myself, certainly that I cared for Him more than I believed. I have been irritated by that, since I thought that I could take or leave what He was offering. Even taking account of the fact that I misjudged what was on offer.

I have discovered that I have needs I previously didn’t know about. I have also confirmed that I can’t just have those needs satisfied by anyone I meet (lovely as they may be).

He is free this weekend, he is unattached again.

I am free this weekend and as attached / un attached as I ever was.

What will happen when we meet, I don’t know.

Things will be different from before, but how different I don’t know until it has happened.

I am following my heart, but also doing what my head says is right for now.

Only time will tell whether my instincts are right!

200 not out

This is my 200th post on World of Joolz.

It is amazing to think that when I started this blog I was essentially living something of a dream. Something new and amazing had happened in my life, something I had kind of wanted to happen, but had been too frightened in the past to actually do. I was on a voyage of discovery, about who I was, about the person I can be.

In April last year, when I wrote my first post, everything was new – the relationship, the whole idea of having sex with someone who wasn’t my husband and indeed the type of relationship it was emerging into. S and I had spent lots of time online and on the phone chatting, but we had only met the once. We had spent that first evening and night together but nothing else. I was yet to experience the thrill of humiliation, to discover how pain and pleasure are so closely linked. I was yet to discover so much about him and the kind of relationship we could and would have together. Indeed I had never tasted his cooking or experienced his amazing picnics. I didn’t realise how beautiful the area in which he lives is. There was so much to discover and discover I did.

A couple of days after our relationship ended I started my year two page. I had been waiting for the right moment, the right inspiration, and now in a way I hadn’t anticipated I now had it. Re-reading it last night, I was surprised that I was able to write so clearly when my heart felt just that little bit smashed to pieces.

Two weeks later and I can look back on events with a sense of pride and satisfaction and hopefully soon I will be ready to move on. Meantime, as I pass this land mark (and that’s how it feels), I am wondering how this blog will look in another 200 posts? What further progress will I make, what will I be writing about, after all for now there is no sex in my life, let alone BDSM or any of its constituent parts.

I have plenty to be going on with mind. S and i are still friends, now able to chat freely with each other without me feeling I want to cry. I have a new job, secured this week and which I will be starting in the next week or so (more hours, more money than the work I have recently been doing). I have my apartment in France, which I will own this week and which I will be visiting with my son next weekend. I have my weight loss to concentrate on (10.5lb so far), and I have my friends.

The key part of my life that is different from April 2012 when I started this blog, is that I have discovered so many friends. I have developed friendships with people I already knew but wasn’t all that close to. I have met new people through this blog and through fetlife, friends that I am now quite close to. Plus there are the people I have never met, but whom I have communicated through this and their own blogs and who I think if I met I would be friends with.

Here’s to World of Joolz, onwards into the future. I am here and I am here to stay!