Advice to my 21 year old self

On my 21st birthday my parents and fiancé threw me a party. Attended by family and friends, we drank and danced into the night. I was young and carefree, though ready to face the responsibilities of adulthood. Later that year, I qualified as a nurse and by the time my 22nd birthday came around, I was married. The year was 1984, almost a lifetime ago.

In many ways, my life has gone to plan. There has been a successful career, a long marriage, a child, a home that we almost own. But in other ways very different. I imagined that I would always care for patients at the bedside which has not been the case. That the marriage would be forever and that there would be more than one child. Friendships have not always lasted, decisions taken have proven not to be the best. Plus I now realise a happy, healthy sex life is far more important than I could ever have imagined.

I wonder then, if I could give my 21 year old self advice. What would that be.

Relationships 

If you are sure you are in love, then get married. Perhaps, wait a little longer. Live together, have fun, travel. You aren’t going to have your child for 7 years after all, so there is no hurry. Ignore the advice of your parents who don’t like the idea of you living together before marriage.

Work at your relationship, don’t let it go as soon as the first problem occurs. But don’t allow yourself to be lied to in the way you will. If an excuse seems far fetched, it probably is. It isn’t normal to attend weddings and other functions alone because your husband says he is working away from home. He doesn’t have that kind of job, never did and never will do.

Don’t believe that you are to blame for his mistakes, his infidelity. The moment you realise you don’t love him, don’t want him any more, walk away.

Parenthood

You will be a good and caring mother, follow your instincts and all will be well. Put your child first, but remember that he will still be there if you walk away from the marriage. The child’s father is meant to share being the parent. You don’t have to be both mother and father.

Your son will always have you and he will always have his father. You don’t need to be married  to each other. There is little more advice to give on this, other than always keep channels of communication open. Your son will always return when he needs you.

Friends and Family

Don’t put family before friends all of the time. A social life involving  parents, brothers, their wives and children is a wonderful thing. But when times change and marriages begin to fail, you could end up with very little social life. Invest time in those friends willing to give time to you. Accept that not all friendships last the course and family members do lie. Don’t be frightened of your mother, her bark is worse than her bite.

Work

Enjoy your time as a nurse. Don’t be afraid to change jobs. Believe in yourself. When the patients start to get you down try something new. Don’t fear a job in management, the pay and the hours are better. Never regret moving on and do so when you no longer enjoy what you are doing. Make friends, but accept that they work friends may be transient. Take any opportunity for further education and training and use it to your advantage.

Lovers

Recognise that being loved is important. Never forget that you need to be held, protected and touched. If the man you are partnered to does not turn you on then the relationship is wrong. Don’t fear being alone, you will meet the right person for you. Embrace the sexual feelings you have. Don’t be afraid to go in search and to try new sexual experiences. Preferably leave one relationship before embarking on the next. Infidelity invariably ends in tears and in the main they will be yours.

Trust your instincts and do be prepared to take a risk. If a sexual experience feels right, then it probably is. But take care. Try not to put yourself in danger. Learn about safe calls. You might not need them but it’s a good idea to be prepared.

When you meet the right man, you will know. One day you will be happier than you ever imagined you could be.

Life

By all means look back on what you have done, where you have been and who with. Remember and reflect, but never regret. When possible look forward and enjoy. Life to be embraced, enjoyed and lived.
Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

First experience

I was nearly 50 before I had my first experience. Of sex with a man other than my husband and of anal sex. We had known each other just a few weeks and had met just the once. In a probably not to be recommended encounter, I met, had sex and slept the night with a man I had only chatted to online and by phone. But things went well, we got on well together. Enjoyed each others company as well as lusting after each other. What is more, the sex was better than anything I had experienced in a long time. Perhaps ever.

A couple of weeks later I went back for more. This time I travelled to his place. I sucked him, he fucked me senseless and then we had anal sex. He knew I was an anal virgin and I knew that he wanted to take that particular cherry. We had discussed my willingness to have anal at length and I had trained myself for those couple of weeks with a butt plug.

My only experience of anal sex before meeting S was in some of the kinky books I read. Generally the dominant man considered taking his submissive girl’s arse as the ultimate prize. Perhaps the same was true of S. While I in turn wanted to give it a try, to learn and experience new things.

He was clearly experienced and led me gently through the build up to the main event. He attended to my orgasm needs, stroked me, kissed me and made me feel like I needed to feel his cock in that forbidden place. Any pain I felt on that day (and I am sure it did hurt a little) pales into insignificance when I consider the lasting benefits. That first experience helped me see the intimacy that can come from anal sex. The trust that is needed so that I could relax enough for him to find his way inside that most secret of places. Then the resulting orgasm that seemed in some way different from any other.

That first experience probably paved the way for me to become the submissive I am now. S and I continued to have great sex and for him that tended to include anal. I enjoyed it and complied. But there were problems with the relationship, mainly that we wanted and needed different things. Looking back sex with S was predictable, starting with  me on my knees sucking him and some time later (hours or the next day) with anal.

I don’t suppose any partner wants to think of their lover having sex with an ex. But Master says that he is grateful to S for teaching me about anal. It meant I was ready, able and willing soon after we met. For us anal is something very special. It brings out the slut, the bitch in me. It is dirty and forbidden but it feels the most intimate of sexual acts. We don’t do it often, indeed we haven’t in some time. But when we do it is one of the ways in which Master expresses his ownership of me, his slave.

This post is cross linked to Wicked Wednesday for the prompt ‘The Ex’ and to Kink of the Week for the prompt ‘Anal Sex’.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Recollections of the past

A couple of weeks ago I installed a widget that allows random posts from your blog to be reposted to Twitter or Facebook. I had noticed it on a few people’s twitter feed and since I have almost 5 years worth of posts I decided to try it too. Every 12 hours or so a new tweet, with a link appears on my twitter feed. Yesterday this one cropped up. It was liked and retweeted by eye  and then commented on by Rebecca. How strange then that this week’s Wicked Wednesday is about recollections.

That the post entitled ‘Relationships’ was written in March 2013. At the time I was going though a lot of trauma with my ex. He had recently found out about my relationship with S and was pretty keen to point our my shortcomings at every opportunity. When, that is he wasn’t telling me how much he loved me and that he didn’t want to lose me. When I brought up his own infidelity he told me that something that happened 20 years ago didn’t count. The trouble is that the hurt from all that time ago, had never left me. Writing in a bit of detail about being cheated on as a young wife and mother helped put things into perspective.

Infidelity is not something to be taken lightly. We made a promise to each other in front of family and friends. A promise that we would love, honour and cherish each other. I never imagined that he would break that promise quite so quickly. Especially as in the aftermath he pretty much told me I was frigid and boring in bed. More recent events have proved that not to be the case. Embarking on my own journey took some guts, and all of the time I knew I was being unfaithful. I knew that if he every found out, then he would be devastated and so he was.

But the interesting thing about the recollections associated with this post is this. In March 2013, while he continued to make me feel guilty and to try to get me to dump S, my ex was already seeing another woman. They had met at Christmas and were in the early stages of their current relationship. The wronged man was already in another’s arms. For months after that he pretended that he was spending much of his time staying with a male friend. I believed him because it was easy to do so and because I was preoccupied. The man was a liar hypocrite in the early 90’s when I found out about that first affair and still is today.

For the most part I try to look forwards, looking back doesn’t always help. Sometimes recollections of the past can help. My words from 2013 certainly have done that today.

 

Endings

It feels to me that I am not so good at ending relationships, perhaps because I have so little experience. When you marry as young as I did and have been married for as long as I have, there is a good chance that you have not had enough relationships to have become any kind of expert. After a good 18 months of deciding that hubby and I haven’t really got a future, the process goes on. Having said that, I am making progress and have a the start of a plan to get me to where I need to be. Also of course, it doesn’t help when the other person is resistant to the end happening at all.

Last year I had an ending forced upon me and I discovered just how it feels to have your whole world shaken up and as it were the rug pulled beneath you. During that time in July 2013, I had to tell people I would rather not have, that I had been having a relationship outside of my marriage purely because of the state I was in. That relationship recommenced on a different footing, but he and i always knew that in the end we would go our separate ways, and so it proved.

I will always be grateful for that relationship. For a start it helped me realise how much more there was for me outside of the confines of my marriage. It helped me to begin to learn about my submission and to find out so much more about my own sexuality. When that end came, he was the one that brought it about, even though I had been thinking for a while that it might be best to. I just hadn’t been brave enough plus, selfishly I enjoyed the kinky sex we enjoyed at our meetings.

I am not the person I was in January. I have moved on and have met a man to whom I can fully submit, to whom I can give my whole self, a man who I trust. This man has taught me about my submission in a way I could never have believed possible. He has helped me understand that my submission is a gift, but that gift needs to be nurtured and that as a submissive woman I need to be cared for.

I have realised that the kind of submission I engaged in with S, while in the main fun, also came with it a need for caution. More than once, I slipped into subspace and it is only now looking back that I realise that I needed more aftercare than perhaps either of us knew. When a submissive is in subspace it is like you are slipping and sliding into what feels like a different world. It can feel like the rug has been pulled from beneath you and you are falling and you need to know that someone is there to catch you. What is more, that might not happen for a few days and by then you might not be together in person. If that is the case then you still need to know that person is there for you.

Since we separated for good, we have kept in touch. The extent to which has depended on his subsequent relationships. Lately we have had more contact, but I have been concerned that it is contact that I should treat with caution and perhaps pretty much cease. This week we came close to meeting – a day’s geocaching and a picnic lunch. But as the date approached, I realised that this was not the right thing to do. That I need to end things properly, once and for all. The meeting didn’t happen, it was he who cancelled, but I know I should have done this myself.

I need now to move on with my life and face the future with my Master’s support. So I am going to tell S that I must end things, as difficult as that is for me and will be for him.

The importance of reflection

During the 90’s and early 00’s nursing was obsessed with the process of how nurses were able to refect on their practise. Models of reflection were developed by the great and the good, and put into practice by people like me – practising nurses, educationalists, managers (I have been all 3 at some time or other). I have used reflection as part of the process of clinical supervision and of action learning (my masters dissertation was on action learning), and have studied and been part of their practice. This is all about the process of learning from your actions, not making the same mistakes again, or else saying that went well and this is how I would do that again. At work, these processes are now ingrained in me. The psychometric tests you can take for education and practise seem to suggest I am not naturally reflective, instead I like to get in there and do and think about it all later – reflection in action rather than reflection on action (see it is all coming back to me).

However, at work I have learned to do both, to act quickly and think about what I am doing at the time and afterwards as well as consider the task in hand, think about how I have done that task before (or something similar) and then to act. I have learned, even in the context of nursing to do that. Now of course, I don’t practice as a nurse as such and pretty much nothing I do is in any way an emergency (except to some person from the Department of Health or other similar self important organisations).
At home though I am different. I often (very often) forget the way I am at work and I react. I rush to do things, say things, without thought in a way I never would at home. Someone at home says jump, I say how high (kind of thing). I see a need and I have tried to meet that need without thought. I often don’t even think later that I can do it differently (or if I do, I don’t make changes to my practise so that I do it differently next time). So I get stuck in a cycle of doing things the same way, for the same people, time and time again even though I know that doing so makes me miserable.
There are things I do for my husband, when he is here, that fall into the category – does them for him and never learns she shouldn’t nor does she help him do them for himself.
For 2 or 3 days each week he comes home for a nice rest. He has been to work and is tired. I have been to work and am tired. But I am the one running around doing everything and he is on the sofa chilling out with a drink, watching TV. I cook dinner, clear up, load the dishwasher, pick up any other chores that need attending to (say washing and ironing) and he does nothing.
During last night’s conversation with Graeme we discussed some of the above (though not the theory bit), and I came to the conclusion I need to change this. I need not to give hubby a comfortable place to be. He needs to find his own comfortable place and at the same time pick up his own chores. I have told him recently that I am not his mother and cannot act like one. I really need now to make my actions match my words.
Reflection on action has taken place, heck I even reflect at times while I do things for him, now I need to change my practice.
The reflection on / in action theory is from Donald schön 1983, 1987

………………………………
Linked to this is the way in which I go into nurse mode when people start to tell me something of what is worrying or challenging them. My desire to help and to problem solve, can if I don’t control it take over. Over time, I have got better at listening, at reflecting back and helping people make their own choices. There are still times though when this doesn’t happen.
The other evening I completely dropped my submissive self and the nurse in me took over when it was neither needed or wanted. No one was about to die, so it wasn’t that I needed to jump into nurse like action.
If I want to be the person I think I do then this part of me must change, particularly in relation to the man who is the Dominant. I have reflected on the action of this one and now need to make it happen at the time – in action. What a journey I find myself on!!

Sore feet

We must have walked miles. Well who knows if we really did, but around the streets of the City of London it seemed quite a long way. My boots which, suited my skirt and were comfortable in the morning were much less so by the time we sat down to eat. He took me around some of the wonderful and very beautiful buildings that I had never visited before, we walked and we talked. He took me to two very historical pubs and we stood (standing room only on a Friday evening), talked and he groped me.

The slut in me loves to be groped in a public place. It really excites me, perhaps it shouldn’t? But having someone to stand (or sit) with and to share intimate moments is just so nice.
I think I have too much to say, sometimes I think I speak for the sake of it. He is getting good at shutting me up and kissing me when that happens. At other times though I am content to just look at him and smile.
He wanted time for us away from bed, from play. We had that last night. Doing things together feels easy and fun. It feels intimate and helps with the connection for later.
On the way home I communicated with S. He wanted to talk to me and I thought there was something wrong. At home, even though it was late, I skyped with S, who just wanted to know how it was going and to check out that things were as good as I had written here. They are and I told him so. Of course he could see it written in my face.
Immediately I came off of the Skype call, I felt I had somehow let Graeme down. I felt I had spoiled our intimacy by linking up with S like that. He told me he wasn’t upset, but I was. Upset with myself because actually that was what I was feeling.
For a woman of my age, it feels I have so much to learn about relationships and how to manage them. My tendency to want to please everyone leads me to find the one person who is not as happy as they could be, to be me.
I haven’t slept as well as I thought I would, and have been awake early. Partly this is my sore feet which I will soon soak with the rest of me in the bath. But also the feeling that I spoiled the intimacy with Graeme last night and caused my mind to be far more active than it needed to be.
The good thing is though that I will be with Graeme again later and have the chance to make it up to him, even if he feels I have done nothing wrong. The chance also to make it up to myself.

Postscript:

Ok, so no one was upset with anyone and so this is all about me over analysing. Just got to work out how NOT to do that!!

Irritated

What I want to be thinking about and writing about here is the hot time I had at the weekend. I have much more to say about that yet as I analyse my thoughts and feelings along with actually writing something a little factual (or my version of it).

But what I have to think about is that (now reasonably small) part of my life that focuses on my marriage.

He was out again last night. This was a good thing as New Dom (got to think of a name to call him) and I got to chat. He isn’t telling me what to do or say, but he was good at getting me to articulate some of the behaviours which may help or antagonise the situation.

Hubby arrived home again this morning, early. 4.40 to be precise (there is a clock by the bed). I was sleeping so so well after the lovely orgasm I was given (he insisted but I asked anyway). I think hubby must have known I was awake, but I didn’t speak, fearful that I would say something now, cause a scene. What I was feeling though was – I don’t want this. What I was thinking was – please don’t lay down next to me. He did lie down, but respected my silence and was gone by 5.30.

So tonight is the night. There is a window of opportunity when my son is out playing football. I will be calm, I will be measured and I will plan what I will say. God knows I have thought about it enough. I won’t shout (please let me maintain that one), I won’t get angry.

I am clear about what I want. It isn’t about any relationship I may or not be having. It is about having the freedom to seek the life I want in the way I want it. It is about opportunities to do new things in different ways that I know he doesn’t seek, want or whatever. New things that I am no longer sorry to say I don’t want to seek with him.

The journey to here started many years ago. A young husband unfaithful to his pregnant wife. A young woman left alone for weeks on end with a young child. Denial of the realities, fear of being alone. A fight for possession of a man who I probably didn’t want then, 20 years ago. The events of the past 2 years are part of this journey, but they are not the whole thing.

On the radio while I was typing this – Oasis, Whatever – with the lyrics – Free to do whatever I , to be whatever  you to be wherever you (I paraphrase) – I think that is today’s theme – Free to be whatever I choose, Free to be wherever I want, whatever I want.

If I get any doubts this evening this is the date that most recently springs to mind when I knew change must take place. Joolz – remember how you felt on this day!

This week

I am going to write this while the thoughts are fresh in my mind. Before I talk myself out of it. I am writing it here, because once it is here I won’t be able to pretend it isn’t what I decided and and what I should do.

At 4.30am this morning hubby walked into the bedroom to collect his clothes for work. Last week, I left them downstairs, but he still came up into the bedroom and lay on the bed for an hour before leaving. This is a man who had spent the weekend away from home, leaving on Friday and returning as this week early Monday morning. During that time there was no contact between us.

Back to this morning, he got dressed. Lay on the bed and since I was awake I spoke; just hello. In the next couple of minutes we exchanged a few words – not many from me as I was not properly awake. Then he dropped his bombshell. He uttered the words – I will be home this Saturday night. Now, I don’t know if this means all weekend, just Saturday night or what. But he hasn’t been here on a Friday, Saturday or Sunday night for months and he is usually out Mondays as well.

Something inside me clicked at that very moment. I said nothing but my mind was in over drive.

Not withstanding anything I might want to be doing next Saturday. Indeed even if I am having a quiet night on my own. I do not want this. I do not want to be with this man, spending time with him that I didn’t chose to spend.

This is the week that I must gather my strength and be honest and open. I must be clear that I want us to separate.

There I have said it.

Time to reflect

It’s been about 10 days since S told me that he was ready to move on. During that time I have spent quite a bit of time reflecting on our relationship together, but also about what I might want in the future.

While we were chatting on Skype that evening, he said he hoped I met someone; that I deserved to be happy. I told him that evening that I wasn’t in any hurry, instead I need to sort my life out.

I do need to do that, but actually I would like to think about a future relationship and what I might look for in that context. For the past few evenings hubby has been home – the longest time we have spent together since well before Christmas. The gulf between us shouted at me – in terms of the way we communicate and the way in which we want to spend our time. When he is home I restrict my time online, and we generally sit in the same room watching tv, eating dinner and speaking about neutral issues. This week, I have had lots of time to think about my life and what the future might hold.

I think the first thing to say is that I really want (and need) is to be allowed to explore my submissive side. I want (and need) a dominant man who can help me do that. I am tired of making quite so many decisions for myself and for everyone around me and I really would like the opportunity to hand some of that over for at least some of the time. I would like to be told that I should like to be told that I am expected to dress in a certain way, to keep myself shaved, to behave in a particular way and to be made to spend some time thinking about my submission. I am not saying I want to be a 24/7 submissive, but to be given the opportunity to consider how much of my time is spent submitting to someone else is something I would like to have.

I want to be someones sexual object. To be made to push my sexual and other boundaries. I want to be expected to kneel, to worship. I want to be made to feel that they are the only one that matters and through those feelings to be aroused.

I want boundaries within which I should live my life. I want to be punished when I wilfully break rules. I want and need control.

In turn I want to be cared for, to be loved and to be made to feel wanted.

I know what I want, indeed what I NEED. The question is, how to I get it?

Picture from Simply Black and White

The end

This time for good.

When S and I resumed our relationship last August, it was always likely to be a temporary thing. A friends with benefits kind of arrangement was what we agreed. During that time we have made the most of that dynamic and things have been good. But I was always aware that he was looking for a long term relationship and that he felt that I was not the one for that (I am inclined to agree with that assessment, though at times let my emotions get the better of me).

However I was not quite expecting him to find that special person so soon after our New Year together. Hell I hadn’t even told my blog the funny parts of that trip, nor had I expressed anything about the difficult phone call I had with my husband and the lies I told him.

But, apparently he has met someone and he thinks that she is going to be ‘the one’ for him. I want him to be happy, and from the sound of things, she may well be able to do that for him.

So that is it for us.

I felt a bit odd for a day or two, but only really in that I am sad that I won’t be having any more times like New Year with S. I like the kink with him and I had slipped back into enjoying the excitement and thrill of that.

He says he hopes I meet someone else, that I deserve to be happy.

Of course I do and sometime maybe that will happen. Not right now though.

Right now, I need to sort out the mess of my long term relationship and get myself into a position where I can have a relationship with whom I want, when I want and on the terms I want.

Its over with S but it doesn’t feel like the complete end of anything.

If anything it is the beginning of a new phase – well that’s what I am hoping anyway!