Advice to my 21 year old self

On my 21st birthday my parents and fiancé threw me a party. Attended by family and friends, we drank and danced into the night. I was young and carefree, though ready to face the responsibilities of adulthood. Later that year, I qualified as a nurse and by the time my 22nd birthday came around, I was married. The year was 1984, almost a lifetime ago.

In many ways, my life has gone to plan. There has been a successful career, a long marriage, a child, a home that we almost own. But in other ways very different. I imagined that I would always care for patients at the bedside which has not been the case. That the marriage would be forever and that there would be more than one child. Friendships have not always lasted, decisions taken have proven not to be the best. Plus I now realise a happy, healthy sex life is far more important than I could ever have imagined.

I wonder then, if I could give my 21 year old self advice. What would that be.

Relationships 

If you are sure you are in love, then get married. Perhaps, wait a little longer. Live together, have fun, travel. You aren’t going to have your child for 7 years after all, so there is no hurry. Ignore the advice of your parents who don’t like the idea of you living together before marriage.

Work at your relationship, don’t let it go as soon as the first problem occurs. But don’t allow yourself to be lied to in the way you will. If an excuse seems far fetched, it probably is. It isn’t normal to attend weddings and other functions alone because your husband says he is working away from home. He doesn’t have that kind of job, never did and never will do.

Don’t believe that you are to blame for his mistakes, his infidelity. The moment you realise you don’t love him, don’t want him any more, walk away.

Parenthood

You will be a good and caring mother, follow your instincts and all will be well. Put your child first, but remember that he will still be there if you walk away from the marriage. The child’s father is meant to share being the parent. You don’t have to be both mother and father.

Your son will always have you and he will always have his father. You don’t need to be married  to each other. There is little more advice to give on this, other than always keep channels of communication open. Your son will always return when he needs you.

Friends and Family

Don’t put family before friends all of the time. A social life involving  parents, brothers, their wives and children is a wonderful thing. But when times change and marriages begin to fail, you could end up with very little social life. Invest time in those friends willing to give time to you. Accept that not all friendships last the course and family members do lie. Don’t be frightened of your mother, her bark is worse than her bite.

Work

Enjoy your time as a nurse. Don’t be afraid to change jobs. Believe in yourself. When the patients start to get you down try something new. Don’t fear a job in management, the pay and the hours are better. Never regret moving on and do so when you no longer enjoy what you are doing. Make friends, but accept that they work friends may be transient. Take any opportunity for further education and training and use it to your advantage.

Lovers

Recognise that being loved is important. Never forget that you need to be held, protected and touched. If the man you are partnered to does not turn you on then the relationship is wrong. Don’t fear being alone, you will meet the right person for you. Embrace the sexual feelings you have. Don’t be afraid to go in search and to try new sexual experiences. Preferably leave one relationship before embarking on the next. Infidelity invariably ends in tears and in the main they will be yours.

Trust your instincts and do be prepared to take a risk. If a sexual experience feels right, then it probably is. But take care. Try not to put yourself in danger. Learn about safe calls. You might not need them but it’s a good idea to be prepared.

When you meet the right man, you will know. One day you will be happier than you ever imagined you could be.

Life

By all means look back on what you have done, where you have been and who with. Remember and reflect, but never regret. When possible look forward and enjoy. Life to be embraced, enjoyed and lived.
Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

One of those update posts

The strain of blogging every nearly every day for the Blogging A-Z challenge left me needing a break. I am so enthusiastic at the start of these memes but time, bad planning and the challenge of obscure words can get in the way.

But it’s time to move on and get back to reality. The February Photofest and Blogging A-Z Challenges are behind me. Time to move on through the year, develop some discipline and post spontaneously. It’s 2 months since Eroticon and I still haven’t got around to making the changes I said I would. No space so far for fiction, and generally my creative juices are struggling to emerge.

Life around here has been pretty full on, what with work, family and social stuff. Add a holiday into the mix and stir in Master’s new bathroom* and you get the picture. Not that any of this is an excuse, since over all I am pretty lazy when not doing any of the above. *N.B He has people in to fit the bathroom, though I helped out in choosing accessories. There are still towels, bathmats and a little cupboard to be considered.

We are very aware of the need to instil a bit more fun and play into our lives. Plus of course sex. The joy of spending more time together this past couple of weeks has included time discussing how to inject energy into our relationship. Plus to rediscover things like anal sex, which we haven’t done for a while.

This week he bought me a leather bra. Something I can wear under my clothing or else on its own around the house. The leather is beautifully soft and comfortable to wear. Master has a real fetish for leather gear, well he just has a real fetish in reality! Summer is on the way, though it isn’t too warm around these parts yet. But the opportunities to get out an about and to have some fun are emerging. Plus he has promised more dungeon time for my birthday in August.

Lots to look forward to and hopefully the opportunity for fun and games on top of normal life.

Summer here we come!

Life begins

They used to say that life begins at 40. I beg to differ. Over the last year of my 30’s I lost weight in a vain attempt to make myself feel something special about the coming decade. Often though I would look in the mirror and see the same unhappy, often asexual being, someone while 2 stones lighter looked no more attractive. Well that was how it felt to me. A great birthday celebration was planned, and while the family came together and my husband arranged a lovely meal and surprise hotel stay I was suffering from food poisoning. Something I had picked up on holiday the week before.

As my 40’s wore on I had the feeling there was something missing in my life. My marriage, which looked happy on the surface felt like torture. I was deeply unhappy. In 2009 when I was 47 my son went off to university. Although happy that he had been able to follow his own dream, I felt the empty nest he left behind intensely. I looked at his father, my husband of over 25  years and wondered how much longer I could keep up the facade. In the late summer of 2011, just after my 49th birthday my son travelled to the US to spend an academic year abroad. Little did I know that by the time my next birthday had arrived I would have found my kinky and sexual side.

50 was a turning point for me. Suddenly  I was brave enough to put myself first after years of prioritising anyone else but myself. I followed my gut instinct and tried something new. Yes, I took a risk but it paid off for me. The end result is the life I have now and the one I will have in the future.

I am now 54 and have never been happier and people tell me I look it . I have managed to find a balance between family and what I need for me. I have a new man in my life who offers me the fulfilment I never even knew I needed.

50 is a massive milestone in life, most people are over half way through their life. It is a time when we must face our own reality as we begin to lose people around us, including perhaps our parents (I lost my dad in my 50’s). It is also a time of hope as our children grow and become independent. A part of my life began in my 50’s, and hopefully will continue into my old age.

Finally I want to wish Marie Rebelle, a happy 50th birthday. Things might be more difficult that she would like right now, but I know that her 50’s will prove to be the continuation of a wonderful journey of discovery and self fulfilment. Happy Birthday!!

Argentinian chorizo

I am not even sure they make chorizo in Argentina, but Master’s dream about it on Thursday night / Friday morning has been the joke of our weekend.

We don’t usually spend Thursday night together, but because Friday was going to be spent working on my house, starting our weekend early seemed a good idea. I cooked us a shepherds pie, good comfort food for early December and we enjoyed it with a little bit too much wine (We I never learn).
Early on Friday morning, as I lay awake much earlier than I wanted or needed, he suddenly grabbed my hand and placed it on his hard cock. I lay holding it, surprised by it’s size and the way it throbbed without me actually doing very much. Happily for me, it also lulled me into a nice sleep and when I woke properly some time later, I felt more refreshed than I had expected. Master asked me if I knew why he had been dreaming about Argentinian chorizo since pork is not something they eat much of. I suggested that the dream might have something to do with the fact he had wanted me to hold his hard cock!
The morning was busy for us both. I went off to my slimming club (for some less than good news) and then on to the DIY shop for screws and door fixings and then to the supermarket. Master in turn got on with starting the task of removing the old doors in the downstairs of my house and hanging new ones. While I was out my brother and his partner arrived to help (well he was there to help).
The rest of the day passed with Master and my brother working together on the doors and me spending time with his girlfriend and intermittently providing food and drink. Things, as usual didn’t go entirely to plan, but in the end I have my new doors in place, more modern they will definitely give the right impression to people viewing the house when I come to sell. I was happy to see and hear how well the two men got on together, seeing as they don’t know each other well. The day was fun and relaxed. Later we went out for dinner and drinks. While my brother would have loved to have stayed over and continue things into the night, his girlfriend was keen to get off home.
Once they had gone, and we had enjoyed a pre-bed time G&T we headed off to bed. Master was slightly euphoric from his exertions during the day, the male camaraderie of the day along with the combination of wine, after dinner brandy and then gin.
I was expecting sleep, but Master had other ideas and the result was my Sinful Sunday photo and some very lovely orgasms. Plus, I got to experience the Argentinian chorizo in it’s full glory, this time inside my throbbing cunt.
So ended part one of the weekend.

Looking back, looking forwards

From time to time I have a look back at what I might have written this week or month in previous years on this blog. This morning, prompted by a photo of my then very old and now deceased and Renault Clio’s odometer passing the 100,000 mile mark, I looked back on the Blog to this week in 2012.

I started to write a retrospective post, but struggled. Did I really want to look back an re live what I was feeling then? The negativity of that period shone through with abundance. My ex was a very negative figure in my life during that period, but actually so was S my so called Dom at that time. At the same time, I was given notice that I would potentially lose my job at the end of that financial year.

I did lose my job,  but the sky did not fall on me, I have a better, more well paid job now. S and I limped along for quite some time after, but if I look back on the blog posts at the time and subsequently it was clear to see that it would never work. At the time, it might have seemed that I was giving up 30 years of marriage for something that S would never offer me, and of course did not. As for hubby, well there was a whole lot of negativity to some, not least the weekend in Germany when it subsequently transpired that he met his now partner. Not that he has ever accepted to me that is what and who she is.

Sadly it is around Christmas 2012 that I can trace a change in my relationship with my son, who I had previously been so close to. I failed to understand that I needed to be open with him about the change in my relationship with his dad, but hopefully conversations since then have helped him to understand life is not quite that simple.

It was to be another year before Master and I encountered each other online and subsequently met in real life. But the signs of my need for this kind of relationship was there.

Whatever other mistakes I have made in my life, I know that while it is important to recognise where you have come from, it is much more important to understand where you are going.

Look back briefly, but keep your eyes on the future.

This weekend my son and his girlfriend started with us, as they prepare to move into their own home and I continue to prepare to leave, this our family home after over 25 years. It is time to look forward and not back. It is easy to reminisce but to be frank I don’t think I will be writing about the past too much any more.

Calmness

Life has been busy.

Work has been busy.
Sometimes my mum winds me up. Other people wind me up; namely my lazy younger brother and my ex (though thankfully not at the same time).
But what has occurred to me over the past few days, as I have taken time to reflect, is that I really am a much calmer person these days. I really don’t get particularly stressed or worked up. I would go as far as to say I am essentially a calmer person than I have ever been in my adult life.
Maybe it is age, or experience? Maybe though it is about me as a person who has let go of control of so much of her life that the things that remain feel less of a worry?
Don’t get me wrong, I have my moments. But to be frank, nothing winds me up in the way I could be guaranteed to get upset about before.
The constant presence of the collar and cuff remind me always that I am Master’s slave and that He has particular expectations of me. So often, sometimes without consciously thinking, I consider what He might think about my behaviours and actions. Some might think I am conditioned after over 2.5 years together, but I think it is more that I feel safe in this relationship. I feel wanted, loved, needed and desired. He has expectations of me and I want to make Him proud of me, of the person I am when we are not together. We are a team, we function well together and we help keep each other in check.
We have an understanding of each others needs and these days I am perhaps better at articulating when I need more control and He is better at recognising that need. At the same time I am better at recognising His needs in my service to Him.
We both recognise the need for more play time, more kink.  But this relationship isn’t about the kink, we are a Master and slave partnership. We install calm in each other.
We have travelled a long way and hopefully are months away now from being together full time. That thought fills me with more joy than I can say.

Just getting on with things

We have been busy living our life, having a good time and when we are busy doing that, there isn’t often much kink to write about. Often also, when there has been a whole stream of posts about our kinky, M/s life, then there is a lull.

So, that has been the past couple of weeks.
Last weekend we went back to Master’s college for an event to celebrate the retirement of one of his tutors. For me, it was a rare chance to see him with friends, in a place he feels comfortable and is happy to be reminded of. It was also a chance for me to dress up and for us to get away and have some fun. We stayed in a lovely hotel and had the chance to explore a city that I had never visited before, but where Master studied as a student. The thing is, when you are in your 50’s as we are, visiting places from the past and seeing people you knew when you were so young has an appeal it never has before. This was the case for Master and for me gave me an insight into the life of the man I love, long before I knew him. I wasn’t disappointed. He and his friends recounted stories of those days and I was able to enjoy their reminiscences. But, there was no sex, let along kink, not that I could have cared less.
This weekend has been different, we have been back to normal with a mixture of getting out and about with time spent relaxing together, both in bed and out.
This morning Master reaffirmed his dominance over his slave and told her of his plans for our upcoming trip to Amsterdam.
On that trip, we will again have a mixture of experiences. We plan to stay with a friend outside the city and to do some touristy things. But also we will be spending some time catching up on our dynamic. Master told me today that He is going to get some more piercings for His girl. These will be  in her labia. This feels exiting and a little on the scary side. The chance though to mean that Master can chain this girl’s labia to her clit is very very exciting. There will of course be pain, but as usual, no pain no gain!
March Questions: maybe I am so open there is nothing anyone wants to ask?

What has changed?

I drove up to the house and found the driveway blocked by a car.

I leaned on the car horn, there was no response.

Once again, and nothing.

I got out of the car, the temperature cool, unseasonably so for May. It was raining.

I banged on the window (ok, so I have no doorbell)

I was annoyed, irritated. I am home from work, but a man who contributes nothing to the household and who doesn’t live here was blocking the driveway with his car.

I got back into the car and tooted the horn again.

At last he appeared. Running late apparently.

…………………………………..
My son was home last night. He asked why his dad still comes home, to the family home each day, even though he lives with another woman.
That is the question I need to ask.Every morning he comes into the house and collects the sandwiches that, yes I have prepared for him.
Every evening he takes a shower here.

I pay all of the bills now, and he does not live here. But this house is jointly owned.

It is now time for the next step in this process to formally separate. Time for him to leave here for good and time for me to move on. Properly.
It really is time for change to happen.

Just when you start to get complacent

Something happens.

The past few weeks, probably since Christmas have been great. I have settled into a routine which mainly involved working most of the week, spending my day off with my mum and weekends with Master.

This weekend coming though, I thought it would be nice to take mum to a town near where my brother lives and stay in a hotel – Sunday is mothers day here. I did that, forgetting that Master had booked us tickets for a concert. He was very understanding.

Sadly, the concert will win.

Mum is in hospital, having fractured her hip last evening. She is fine following surgery but her special weekend is off. I feel sad that the new outfit she bought on Monday and the hair cut she was due to have tomorrow will have to wait. But am happy she is doing ok post surgery.

The trouble is that having got her back on her feet and helping her to regain her confidence, after the last hospital stay, it all begins again.

I guess that is life!