What’s my name?

For most of my life I was only called by my given name, Julie. I hated it when people shortened Julie to Ju, it struck me as lazy and uncreative. A family friend called me Jools, and for a while that stuck. As a young teen at the time it felt grown up, and smart, unlike Ju. After my marriage I became JJ and tended not to mind that either. But my parents called me Julie, as did my husband and most other people around me.

5 years ago, when I embarked upon this journey, one involving illicit sex with a bit of kink thrown in. I called myself Joolz on the various websites and on my new blog. The people I met at that time either didn’t know my real name or chose not to use it. To them I was Joolz.

But when Master and I met, 3 and a half years ago now. He saw me as someone else. To him Joolz was someone who was a bit scary, who had been struggling to find her true self. Joolz was someone in transition from Julie to……….. But who.

He wanted me to refer to myself as ‘this girl’. As far as he was concerned, my journey as a submissive needed to include some introspection about what and who I was. By removing the need to think of myself in the first person or as Julie the mother or daughter, the submissive inside would feel more real. At the same time he was of the opinion that Joolz was someone who had belonged to another, someone who had rejected me. By letting go of Joolz, I let go of that part of my past. Gave myself fully to him. Allowed myself to be absorbed into his ownership, to become his property.

Gradually over time this girl has become girl. He called and does call me girl. At times he has admitted that he has struggled to remember that I am also Julie. A 55 year old girl? Yes, but not any girl. His girl, his submissive and his slave. I do still refer to myself as ‘this girl’ but mainly during sex or play. The rest of the time I just know who and what I am, even when people call me Julie. I know I am His girl.

Kink of the week: Jeans

This morning this photo popped up on my Facebook timeline. A photo taken by Master, a year ago as I walked up the steps to board a plane. He posted it later and tagged me with the caption ‘Rear of the day’. I was amused and just a little flattered because a public acknowledgment that he finds me attractive appeals. Some may find this sexist, but coming from him it is something I like. I like the way I look in a pair of well fitting jeans, and love the way it shows off the contours of my bottom. At the same time, I like the way that they hold my wobbly bits in place. They give the impression I have a firmer, perhaps more youthful body than I have. 

Do I feel sexy in them though? Well yes in a way because if I feel good and think I look good to others. But do I feel  more sexy in jeans than in any other well fitting trousers or perhaps a short skirt? Then no. This is partly because I don’t think Master looks at it that way. He likes the look and feel of my bottom when it is on display in that way, but also likes to see my legs, or my cleavage or my bare back. He loves leather, and I have a feeling that he would find leather trousers more appealing than jeans. However, I am not convinced that they would be very forgiving to my figure.

Having said that, he likes me naked too. With everything hanging out. But naked is not a good look walking up the stairs to get on a plane and I don’t think anyone needs to see me naked on Facebook. Though plenty have seen me naked here.

Kink of the week – soixante-neuf

Image from My Life in Porn

In this photo, a young couple are caught in a moment of lust, on the living room floor. Their clothes are strewn around them, the sofa in the background. Her hand is wrapped around his very large cock while she attempts to push it into her mouth. She straddles his face. He Wraps his arms around her legs, while burying his face into her cunt. Each are caught in their own experience. Of giving and of receiving oral sex. This position of 69, Soixante-neuf, yin and yang, congress of a crow (that’s a Karma Sutra reference incase you didn’t know).


How about us?

Master loves me to sit on his face, or else to go down on me while I lie spread eagle on the bed or indeed the floor. I love the feel of his tongue as it explores my vulval area. Long strokes and then short laps as if he is drinking me. I love the way that the feelings inside of me build, from a localised pleasure to a deep growing arousal. Orgasm control is part of who we are and what we do, and that knowledge helps me to keep control. As the orgasm builds inside me, I have to focus to prevent an explosion happening without warning and permission. It is at those times that having a cock to suck is useful.

Often I find I am not close enough to His cock to take it and have to use my hands to  stroke and caress. The smoothness of His cock, the softness of his balls and the way as they harden the skin shrinks and becomes rough. The feel of his bum, pert but soft buttocks, and that little area between his scrotum and anus. These are delicious things that take my mind off of the impending orgasm until it is time.

Sometimes though my mouth can find his cock and explore it with my tongue. I am able to feel the size of it grow and fill my mouth and push down towards my throat and to suck and to lick, using its very presence to divert my attention.

Sometimes though I really don’t want to have my attention diverted. I want it all to be about me, to give into the pleasure and wait for permission to release my passions. I like to have my cake and eat it!

 

Three’s company?

Over the past 3 years we have spoken a few times about introducing another person into our relationship for play purposes. We have discussed the idea of another girl who would play with me and who I would watch having sex with Him. We have also talked about me having sex with another man while he looks on. These things sound fun and sexy in theory, they are a massive turn on to us both. But I know from experience that talking and doing can be quite different things.

My one and only experience of group sex (two men and two women) was about 4 years ago when I was seeing S (you can read what I wrote at the time, it is in two parts, this is part 2). Looking back I can see that it was a fantasy of his and another thing to tick off his bucket list (I didn’t know he had one at the time, but later came sex on a picnic table and sex at midnight on new years eve to name but two). He found someone (a female) online and over the course of a few months we chatted as a three and as a four, plus she and I chatted together.
I have always liked to look at lesbian sex online, and do find it arousing, but have always questioned whether I would really find it so in real life (probably if you need to ask the question then you already know the answer). But I do find the idea of two women serving a man very thrilling, almost as exciting as two men wanting to use me at the same time. But a threesome was not what was on offer, and since I did seem to get on with both parties and since I liked the girl very much I agreed to go along with it all.
On the day in question we all met up in the bar of the hotel we were going to be staying in. They were a nice couple, but I was too nervous to be excited or turned on. After a calming drink us two girls went off to talk on our own and then agreed to go through with things. We helped each other change into some sexy lingerie and then joined the two men in the other couple’s room.
My memory of the next couple of hours is slightly blurry but my gut instinct was definitely right. I did enjoy watching them have sex – both the other couple and watching S and the other girl was a turn on. I really loved sucking her partner while S penetrated me from behind, and I enjoyed being touched by the other girl while all that went on. But I really didn’t want to touch her, or kiss her, though I did.
Funnily enough S and I are not really in touch with each other these days, but I have stayed online friends with the other girl and am even Facebook friends with her. At the time they told us their names were Sara and Darren, I guessed at the time that wasn’t his name, but only realised later that hers wasn’t Sara. Not that it matters but I do find it amusing that I was always Julie or Joolz.
So back to Master and I. Well I would do it all again, but think probably 3 is more than enough company for me. Generally I will do what Master wants me to do, and know that he will only ask me to do something I am comfortable with. A threesome MFM might be fun and maybe I wouldn’t even say no to a FMF arrangement, but I can’t guarantee to want sex with the other girl.

Chastity – does a girl need to be locked in?

There was a time when I felt the need to touch myself most days. I would arrive home from work and if I felt that I had sufficient time before my son and husband arrived on the scene would make myself cum. sometimes I stood in my son’s bedroom looking out of the window while I held my vibe against my throbbing pussy and craved my release.

These days there is no need to do such a thing. Hubby has gone to his new woman and my son is busy with his own life. What is more there is no need to cum in that kind of way.

My orgasms belong to Master and while he doesn’t stipulate that I can’t cum without him being present, in the main there is no need.

In essence I have no need to be kept in chastity through a device since I don’t desire that I touch myself and orgasm on my own. I know that the orgasms belong to Him and prefer He is present when they occur.

Having said that, the photos I found online demonstrating female chastity devices do really turn me on.

These are the two kinds of devices that might be available (or inflicted) on women today. The first kind, shown above is something that fits around a woman’s waist and under her crotch. It might include a small dildo that is inserted into her vagina to keep her permanently aroused but unable to orgasm. Separated from her Master she would be unable to touch herself and so be unfulfilled. Sadly without a special mechanism for releasing her urine and being able to clean herself there are signifiant problems with this devise.

While I love the idea of chastity, I prefer the idea of the kind barrier shown below. I have no real need to be able to touch myself. I have piercings in my clitoral hood and we have discussed the idea of labial piercings that would prevent access to my sexual organs, other than by Him.

So, this girl can be pierced in such a way that she is unable to gain access to her clitoris, and yet she is able to both pass urine and to keep clean. Plus she can be controlled in the way that Master would love.

The girl could be made completely chaste and under the control of her Master through being pierced through the labia.

For me it isn’t about an inability to reach certain parts of the body it is about whether you are allowed to touch them.

It isn’t about an artificial way of remembering who and what you are, but something that is long lasting and permanent.

While the chastity device seems appealing it is obviously for play only. For me, it is about a permanent reminder of what Master expects and if that is chastity then while I can manage without, I would prefer my labia being pierced in such a way as it offers a permanent reminder of my slavery to Him.

I might imagine that I want to be held chaste by one of devices above, but all they are is symbols of my slavery to Master. His words and deeds are all that I need.

 

Struggling

Kink of the week is about struggling against restraints which had me thinking about this photo taken while we were in Amsterdam a couple of years ago. Master left me hogtied on the bed while he went to have a shower.

Generally when I am restrained during sex or play, rather than struggle I find it relaxes and makes me feel in some way free. I am restrained and so there is no need to fight or to move. The exception is when he is coming towards me with the violet wand in his hand and I can see it (i.e. I am not blind folded) particularly if he is using a light bulb on the end of it. This was a trick he picked up at a workshop at BBB on the one occasion we travelled up to Birmingham for the event. I find the concept of being buzzed by the static from a light bulb immensely scary, though it is erotic when it touches your skin.

But being restrained while you are being tortured is one thing, just being left is something else entirely. On that day I really did struggle against the bonds, much to his amusement. The position was uncomfortable, my head got stuck in the pillow and I wasn’t sure what was coming next. Then I heard the shower and knew I was in for at least a few minutes of being in that position, what was more since he was in the shower, complaining was useless. Mind you of course I did complain, while I struggled and that just made me more uncomfortable.

Master’s response when he emerged from the shower was that when I lay on the bed and allowed him to tie me up, I should have faced the TV and then I could have used that as my distraction! You have to love his humour at times!

The shorter the better

So Kink of the Week for 1-15 September is Hair. Having covered pubic hair already, the focus this time is the hair on your head.

Master has a particular fetish for very short hair. In his ideal world his slave would have her head shaved. For him, there is something very erotic about a woman whose head is shaved. I haven’t asked him, but suspect he prefers that the hair has visibly been cropped closely and that you can run your hands over it and feel the stubble rather than a head that is truly bald. His tumblr feed is full of photos of women that emulate his ideal (he has other kinks that he displays too unsurprisingly).
Master is not one to push a slave to comply with his wishes, at least not overtly. He would prefer that she does so to please him and because she wants it too. So the move towards short hair has been a gradual process.
When we met my hair was shoulder length. It had taken me a while to grow my hair to a length that I liked and I felt pretty happy with the style. As far as I was concerned I dressed and had my hair cut in a way that I wanted, to please myself, no one else. When we met, his then slave told me of his preference for shorter hair. She told me that when she arrived to live with him, he would force her to have her head shaved. This was something she said she would struggle with. While I believe he may have said such a thing to her, I don’t actually believe he would do anything like that without the other person (even his slave) fully agreeing and wanting that to be the case. Certainly he hasn’t pressured me to cut my hair. But the things she told me stick in my mind and maybe stop me from going the whole hog.
I have though, over the past 2 1/2 years gradually cut my hair shorter.
I have discovered that a woman of my age looks better with shorter hair. That I like the way I look with short hair. It looks better when cut around my ears than trying the half way thing. I have discovered that for a woman going through the menopause short hair really helps you cool down. I think it helps me and others see the bone structure of my face.
What is more, I have been complimented on my hair in a way that I don’t think I have been for many years by family, friends, colleagues and by almost complete strangers.
I don’t have my head shaved and am not sure I ever will. Maybe I might get the area around my ears shaved as I think it looks cool and pretty sexy. I know what Master likes, but don’t think he will push me to do something I don’t want.
But sometimes you need another persons view, another’s ideal to help push those boundaries. without Master I may never have cut my hair to the length it is now and may never have known just how good it would look.
Short is good. For him, the shorter the better and maybe I am edging closer to his ideal.

KOTW – Tasks

I need to get back to blogging ways, indeed if I was tasked to do so then maybe I would be better at getting my brain into gear. Even better if Master were to give me a list of topics he would like me to write about.But seriously, this month’s kink of the week is about Tasks. I have a set of rules that I agreed to when I became Master’s slave, and one or two of them are kind of task orientated. Probably the main one would be that I should wear my butt plug twice a week when we are apart. I am rubbish at keeping to this rule, mainly because I forget. We often chat on Skype late in the evening and after I come off of the call I get ready for bed and am asleep before I know it.

The other rule that has slightly fallen by the wayside is the issue of underwear. I often don’t wear panties but usually these days like to wear a bra. For all I am 54, my tits are still quite firm, but still I do prefer it. Generally he doesn’t push the issue.

Sometimes he will give me tasks to do, but these are on an ad hoc basis, as the mood takes him (as is his prerogative). I am not someone who really needs a massive amount of structure and to be frank I am a calmer, happier human being since I have been with him.

He is someone who likes his slave to be low maintenance and so, while he likes to give me the odd thing to do, he is not really into making sure I do it. We have discussed recently that our dynamic has fallen into something of a routine and that we don’t always make the effort to think about things such as this.

Perhaps this prompt may lead to further discussions on the topic since he reads what I write here and we often follow that up with a discussion.

Tasks are a good thing, but they take effort on both sides. I am willing to give it another go if he is!

 

Pubic hair – KOTW

I am probably from a generation that while shaving legs and under arms was the norm, shaving pubic hair was not. For me, a person who always grew hair a plenty this was something of a relief. The idea of spending my entire life in the bathroom, summer and winter did not appeal. That is not to say that I didn’t fancy walking around with less hair, but just that the effort was too much, unless that is, I was due to wear a bikini any day soon.

Over the years friends told me of their waxing, epilator and laser / electrolysis experiences, but I wasn’t sure the pain and effort was worth it. After all, it isn’t as if that part of my body was being seen by anyone very often. Hubby preferred sex in the dark but went on quite a bit about me shaving and occasionally I did as he asked, as if I were granting him a special treat. I guess that is what it was. I remember him being extremely grateful for the effort I took when we travelled to California for his 50th. It didn’t improve our sex life, but he seemed happy.
It wasn’t until I became involved with S though, that I willingly shaved myself for another person. Luckily there were significant gaps between our meetings, as is often the case in a long distance relationship, but I was keen to please. I was new to this submission lark and embraced his wishes with gusto. I used a combination of hair removal creams such as Nair and a razor, but think that if things had continued in that vein I would have tried laser or something.
When I met Master I was bare. He said little about this for the first few months, but then decided that he wished me to grow my hair, stating in our contract that:
Girl will maintain a tuft of hair on her mound for her Master’s use and pleasure
That use and pleasure is so he has something to wipe his cock on or to aim for when he wants to dump his prize upon me.While the hair grows in more places than I would like, it has taken some time to reach its full potential, maybe it is an age and menopause thing.

From time to time he has got out his razor and shaving cream and created the shape he likes because my hair growth can be quite unruly (much as he likes to suggest I am unruly as a slave, but that’s another issue entirely). Generally though I try to keep my hair trimmed and away from the tops of my legs using cream and shaving. All in all, I have now come a complete circle.
The difference now is that if he decided tomorrow that he wished me to be completely bare I would do as he wished and do so gladly. And pretty much without any kind of argument or evidence of brattiness or unruliness.

As you can see from this photo, the tally was 11 and I have my pubic hair in tact. Just as he likes!

Keeping tally

Being written on is a feature of this relationship and is something this slave have come to really enjoy. There is something both erotic and humiliating about having words such as slut, whore, property, Master’s or indeed MPB written on your body. Master frequently gets his sharpie pen out and writes on his girl’s flesh. Usually he writes on the breast or lower abdomen and he seems to get quite a thrill out of it as does this girl. Often it takes some days for the ink to rub / be washed off and there is a certain thrill to standing in front of the mirror after a few days and catching sight of his words. Something quite new is the orgasm tally for the weekend / night / day.

Master loves giving orgasms to his slave. He tries to deny her for periods of time, but since he enjoys the look on her, the way her back arches and body shudders he is more in favour of multiple orgasms than none at all.

But all orgasms are controlled and they are counted and every time the slave is given permission to cum she thanks him and tell him who it belongs to.

This weekend’s tally is 11 – 6 (shown in the picture) yesterday and 5 this morning. Master keeps count as this girl finds it difficult to do so, given that the orgasms might come (or cum) close together and will have caused some degree of sexual fogginess of the brain. Number 1 was definitely after he had used his tongue on this girls clitoris, and was also tweaking a nipple. Another was when Master instructed the slave to touch herself and bring herself off. Others were during penetration – His cock inside while Master rubbed her, or as his cock moves in and out of her.

Master loves to get this girl into such a state of arousal that she is almost in a permanent state of orgasm. Such a thing happened yesterday and again this morning. Indeed this morning this girl almost orgasmed by stroking Master’s cock with her hands, feeling the soft flesh, noting the contrast between that softness and the hardness of His erection. He began to feel one of her nipples and she exclaimed how wet she was, just through the act of touching him. His fingers moved to feel that wetness and he asked if should would like to cum. Of course she wanted to and within seconds another was added to the tally.

As something of a part 2, here is the photo this girl took 2 years ago yesterday when Master had first asked her to become His slave: