The past few weeks, probably since Christmas have been great. I have settled into a routine which mainly involved working most of the week, spending my day off with my mum and weekends with Master.
This weekend coming though, I thought it would be nice to take mum to a town near where my brother lives and stay in a hotel – Sunday is mothers day here. I did that, forgetting that Master had booked us tickets for a concert. He was very understanding.
Sadly, the concert will win.
Mum is in hospital, having fractured her hip last evening. She is fine following surgery but her special weekend is off. I feel sad that the new outfit she bought on Monday and the hair cut she was due to have tomorrow will have to wait. But am happy she is doing ok post surgery.
The trouble is that having got her back on her feet and helping her to regain her confidence, after the last hospital stay, it all begins again.
I guess that is life!
This has been a difficult week in many ways. It is difficult enough for you to manage work, a parent in hospital and ordinary life. Without having to consider some of the realities I do.
Mum ended up in hospital after spending a night and most of a day on the floor. Having fallen over, for some reason she was unable to get up. The busy lives of her children meant that none of us called until she had already been there for far too long. That is difficult to come to terms with.
For several days she appeared to be recovering from the (as we thought) resulting pneumonia. Only to discover yesterday that actually the pneumonia and fall may have been a symptom for something far worse.
Losing one parent to Cancer is hard to take. But it seems that mum might have the disease too.
Meanwhile I juggle work and caring responsibilities with the life I desire and need. Damn there is barely enough time in a day to put in a day’s work, let alone anything else. Luckily the hospital is close, but that can be a double edged sword when it comes to family.
I long for my day off from caring on Saturday, so Master and I can go out. I feel excited and guilty at the same time!
I never asked for life to be easy, but this really is hard to take!
That is just how it feels.
On the one hand I feel free to be the person I know I am. In that freedom, I am able to enjoy being His slave, His bitch, His piece of fuckmeat. As and when He chooses.
He has bought me a leather bodice top, kind of corset like, which completes the leather look He wants for me. This weekend, He played with me harder than for a while.
He is shaping me into the slave He wants.
At the same time, we are having some good, fun times together. Spending time in each others company, just being.
The respite I had hoped for after losing my dad is not happening. Mum is physically unwell, in hospital with a chest infection and a series of falls. We thought her problems were emotional and psychological as a result of losing her husband of 55 years.
The responsibility of being the daughter she needs right now is weighing me down, and while my brothers say they don’t begrudge my obvious happiness elsewhere, I can’t help but carry the burden.
Balance is the thing, I know that. I am seeking that balance and know that I have Master to help me find it.
That is why, I have struggled with the words here on my blog. But hopefully this little post is the start of the end of my slight bloggers block.