Jealousy

“You can only be jealous of someone who has something you think you ought to have yourself.” 
― Margaret Atwood, The Handmaid’s Tale

“It is so easy to believe that you can share a partner with another. To begin with I truly believed I could, indeed I probably could have if the other person believed it too and was prepared to work at it. (Our Journey Part 1).

In the first instance, it wasn’t me who was jealous. But in seeing what was developing between Master and I his primary (as she was very clear to describe herself) became very jealous. I was here in the UK and she was in Oregon.

“Due to her personal circumstances it was going to be a while before she could join Him. She had someone to manage her day to day needs and He needed that too. But perhaps the attraction Master and I felt also fed through to her, thousands of miles away. What is more, our conversations with each other made me question her fundamental assumptions. That spending a few weeks together at a time meant that this could be translated into a long term relationship. The rhetoric of her assumptions of their future life seemed at odds with the reality of His life as I saw it. I was puzzled. But my questions were not welcomed”.

In May 2014 he travelled to visit her

While he was away I had no real concept of the difficulties that Master encountered. It was only later I was to learn of the mood swings, the snooping around his tablet computer for information. Even at a distance though he sought to spend time with me and expressed that he was missing me as much as I was him. While he was away he also asked me to become his slave.

I guess that everything that happened subsequently, it was inevitable that would be the last time he saw his then slave in person.

When Master arrived home his jet lag seemed to linger, overtaken with a kind of depression. The change in him was unsettling, but more so was the behaviour of his slave. Plus, she had located my blog.

“At the same time, His slave in the US and I made an attempt at forming our own relationship. We friended each other on Facebook and chatted quite a bit on yahoo and even Skype. I entered into the whole thing in my usual way – open and honest is my motto. I soon found out though, that it is difficult to be that way with someone who is jealous of every moment you spend with your Master. Jealous because you are where she believes she should be. At this point I made a fatal mistake. This was to allow her to read my blog.“

She had discovered it on Master’s tablet and then when she asked me for the url again, I let her have it. She proceeded to read every post I had written and to quiz me on every element of my understanding of my relationship with the man she called Master. Life for us both became difficult as she quizzed Him too.”

The crunch (From our Journey Part 1)

“I asked Him where I would fit in his life once His slave arrived to live here. His answer hit me hard. Even though he had never promised otherwise, it was difficult to be told that I would never be anything but secondary to His primary slave.

At this point I felt I needed to prepare myself for the exit, when it came. But even while doing that, Master and I formalised the relationship with a contract and at the same time that very relationship continued to develop and deepen both in D/s and vanilla terms. A contradiction indeed.

Asking that question and receiving the answer I did may have led to Master to consider on a deeper level what it was that He wanted from His life. Because by the end of August He was viewing things quite differently.”

He ended that relationship and soon afterwards I moved my blog and instead of being Joolz, I became Master’s Pleasing Bitch (MPB).

Thoughts on jealousy

There’s no doubt that from the beginning Master’s primary and original slave was intensely jealous of me. The sad thing is that when the first feelings that I was jealous of her struck, I’d have walked away. It’s hard to imagine now, 6 years later but I do believe I would have. It was pretty clear early on that we weren’t going to cope in any polyamorous relationship together. But actually nor would the relationship between she and Master worked. Her possessiveness and the lack of trust she had in him would have destroyed everything.

Thankfully none of us had to go through the pain. Though that doesn’t suggest that I don’t believe that she suffered badly through the breakup. Of course she did. But I’m grateful still to be here, still MPB.