Recollections of the past

A couple of weeks ago I installed a widget that allows random posts from your blog to be reposted to Twitter or Facebook. I had noticed it on a few people’s twitter feed and since I have almost 5 years worth of posts I decided to try it too. Every 12 hours or so a new tweet, with a link appears on my twitter feed. Yesterday this one cropped up. It was liked and retweeted by eye  and then commented on by Rebecca. How strange then that this week’s Wicked Wednesday is about recollections.

That the post entitled ‘Relationships’ was written in March 2013. At the time I was going though a lot of trauma with my ex. He had recently found out about my relationship with S and was pretty keen to point our my shortcomings at every opportunity. When, that is he wasn’t telling me how much he loved me and that he didn’t want to lose me. When I brought up his own infidelity he told me that something that happened 20 years ago didn’t count. The trouble is that the hurt from all that time ago, had never left me. Writing in a bit of detail about being cheated on as a young wife and mother helped put things into perspective.

Infidelity is not something to be taken lightly. We made a promise to each other in front of family and friends. A promise that we would love, honour and cherish each other. I never imagined that he would break that promise quite so quickly. Especially as in the aftermath he pretty much told me I was frigid and boring in bed. More recent events have proved that not to be the case. Embarking on my own journey took some guts, and all of the time I knew I was being unfaithful. I knew that if he every found out, then he would be devastated and so he was.

But the interesting thing about the recollections associated with this post is this. In March 2013, while he continued to make me feel guilty and to try to get me to dump S, my ex was already seeing another woman. They had met at Christmas and were in the early stages of their current relationship. The wronged man was already in another’s arms. For months after that he pretended that he was spending much of his time staying with a male friend. I believed him because it was easy to do so and because I was preoccupied. The man was a liar hypocrite in the early 90’s when I found out about that first affair and still is today.

For the most part I try to look forwards, looking back doesn’t always help. Sometimes recollections of the past can help. My words from 2013 certainly have done that today.

 

Endings

It feels to me that I am not so good at ending relationships, perhaps because I have so little experience. When you marry as young as I did and have been married for as long as I have, there is a good chance that you have not had enough relationships to have become any kind of expert. After a good 18 months of deciding that hubby and I haven’t really got a future, the process goes on. Having said that, I am making progress and have a the start of a plan to get me to where I need to be. Also of course, it doesn’t help when the other person is resistant to the end happening at all.

Last year I had an ending forced upon me and I discovered just how it feels to have your whole world shaken up and as it were the rug pulled beneath you. During that time in July 2013, I had to tell people I would rather not have, that I had been having a relationship outside of my marriage purely because of the state I was in. That relationship recommenced on a different footing, but he and i always knew that in the end we would go our separate ways, and so it proved.

I will always be grateful for that relationship. For a start it helped me realise how much more there was for me outside of the confines of my marriage. It helped me to begin to learn about my submission and to find out so much more about my own sexuality. When that end came, he was the one that brought it about, even though I had been thinking for a while that it might be best to. I just hadn’t been brave enough plus, selfishly I enjoyed the kinky sex we enjoyed at our meetings.

I am not the person I was in January. I have moved on and have met a man to whom I can fully submit, to whom I can give my whole self, a man who I trust. This man has taught me about my submission in a way I could never have believed possible. He has helped me understand that my submission is a gift, but that gift needs to be nurtured and that as a submissive woman I need to be cared for.

I have realised that the kind of submission I engaged in with S, while in the main fun, also came with it a need for caution. More than once, I slipped into subspace and it is only now looking back that I realise that I needed more aftercare than perhaps either of us knew. When a submissive is in subspace it is like you are slipping and sliding into what feels like a different world. It can feel like the rug has been pulled from beneath you and you are falling and you need to know that someone is there to catch you. What is more, that might not happen for a few days and by then you might not be together in person. If that is the case then you still need to know that person is there for you.

Since we separated for good, we have kept in touch. The extent to which has depended on his subsequent relationships. Lately we have had more contact, but I have been concerned that it is contact that I should treat with caution and perhaps pretty much cease. This week we came close to meeting – a day’s geocaching and a picnic lunch. But as the date approached, I realised that this was not the right thing to do. That I need to end things properly, once and for all. The meeting didn’t happen, it was he who cancelled, but I know I should have done this myself.

I need now to move on with my life and face the future with my Master’s support. So I am going to tell S that I must end things, as difficult as that is for me and will be for him.

The importance of reflection

During the 90’s and early 00’s nursing was obsessed with the process of how nurses were able to refect on their practise. Models of reflection were developed by the great and the good, and put into practice by people like me – practising nurses, educationalists, managers (I have been all 3 at some time or other). I have used reflection as part of the process of clinical supervision and of action learning (my masters dissertation was on action learning), and have studied and been part of their practice. This is all about the process of learning from your actions, not making the same mistakes again, or else saying that went well and this is how I would do that again. At work, these processes are now ingrained in me. The psychometric tests you can take for education and practise seem to suggest I am not naturally reflective, instead I like to get in there and do and think about it all later – reflection in action rather than reflection on action (see it is all coming back to me).

However, at work I have learned to do both, to act quickly and think about what I am doing at the time and afterwards as well as consider the task in hand, think about how I have done that task before (or something similar) and then to act. I have learned, even in the context of nursing to do that. Now of course, I don’t practice as a nurse as such and pretty much nothing I do is in any way an emergency (except to some person from the Department of Health or other similar self important organisations).
At home though I am different. I often (very often) forget the way I am at work and I react. I rush to do things, say things, without thought in a way I never would at home. Someone at home says jump, I say how high (kind of thing). I see a need and I have tried to meet that need without thought. I often don’t even think later that I can do it differently (or if I do, I don’t make changes to my practise so that I do it differently next time). So I get stuck in a cycle of doing things the same way, for the same people, time and time again even though I know that doing so makes me miserable.
There are things I do for my husband, when he is here, that fall into the category – does them for him and never learns she shouldn’t nor does she help him do them for himself.
For 2 or 3 days each week he comes home for a nice rest. He has been to work and is tired. I have been to work and am tired. But I am the one running around doing everything and he is on the sofa chilling out with a drink, watching TV. I cook dinner, clear up, load the dishwasher, pick up any other chores that need attending to (say washing and ironing) and he does nothing.
During last night’s conversation with Graeme we discussed some of the above (though not the theory bit), and I came to the conclusion I need to change this. I need not to give hubby a comfortable place to be. He needs to find his own comfortable place and at the same time pick up his own chores. I have told him recently that I am not his mother and cannot act like one. I really need now to make my actions match my words.
Reflection on action has taken place, heck I even reflect at times while I do things for him, now I need to change my practice.
The reflection on / in action theory is from Donald schön 1983, 1987

………………………………
Linked to this is the way in which I go into nurse mode when people start to tell me something of what is worrying or challenging them. My desire to help and to problem solve, can if I don’t control it take over. Over time, I have got better at listening, at reflecting back and helping people make their own choices. There are still times though when this doesn’t happen.
The other evening I completely dropped my submissive self and the nurse in me took over when it was neither needed or wanted. No one was about to die, so it wasn’t that I needed to jump into nurse like action.
If I want to be the person I think I do then this part of me must change, particularly in relation to the man who is the Dominant. I have reflected on the action of this one and now need to make it happen at the time – in action. What a journey I find myself on!!

Sore feet

We must have walked miles. Well who knows if we really did, but around the streets of the City of London it seemed quite a long way. My boots which, suited my skirt and were comfortable in the morning were much less so by the time we sat down to eat. He took me around some of the wonderful and very beautiful buildings that I had never visited before, we walked and we talked. He took me to two very historical pubs and we stood (standing room only on a Friday evening), talked and he groped me.

The slut in me loves to be groped in a public place. It really excites me, perhaps it shouldn’t? But having someone to stand (or sit) with and to share intimate moments is just so nice.
I think I have too much to say, sometimes I think I speak for the sake of it. He is getting good at shutting me up and kissing me when that happens. At other times though I am content to just look at him and smile.
He wanted time for us away from bed, from play. We had that last night. Doing things together feels easy and fun. It feels intimate and helps with the connection for later.
On the way home I communicated with S. He wanted to talk to me and I thought there was something wrong. At home, even though it was late, I skyped with S, who just wanted to know how it was going and to check out that things were as good as I had written here. They are and I told him so. Of course he could see it written in my face.
Immediately I came off of the Skype call, I felt I had somehow let Graeme down. I felt I had spoiled our intimacy by linking up with S like that. He told me he wasn’t upset, but I was. Upset with myself because actually that was what I was feeling.
For a woman of my age, it feels I have so much to learn about relationships and how to manage them. My tendency to want to please everyone leads me to find the one person who is not as happy as they could be, to be me.
I haven’t slept as well as I thought I would, and have been awake early. Partly this is my sore feet which I will soon soak with the rest of me in the bath. But also the feeling that I spoiled the intimacy with Graeme last night and caused my mind to be far more active than it needed to be.
The good thing is though that I will be with Graeme again later and have the chance to make it up to him, even if he feels I have done nothing wrong. The chance also to make it up to myself.

Postscript:

Ok, so no one was upset with anyone and so this is all about me over analysing. Just got to work out how NOT to do that!!

Irritated

What I want to be thinking about and writing about here is the hot time I had at the weekend. I have much more to say about that yet as I analyse my thoughts and feelings along with actually writing something a little factual (or my version of it).

But what I have to think about is that (now reasonably small) part of my life that focuses on my marriage.

He was out again last night. This was a good thing as New Dom (got to think of a name to call him) and I got to chat. He isn’t telling me what to do or say, but he was good at getting me to articulate some of the behaviours which may help or antagonise the situation.

Hubby arrived home again this morning, early. 4.40 to be precise (there is a clock by the bed). I was sleeping so so well after the lovely orgasm I was given (he insisted but I asked anyway). I think hubby must have known I was awake, but I didn’t speak, fearful that I would say something now, cause a scene. What I was feeling though was – I don’t want this. What I was thinking was – please don’t lay down next to me. He did lie down, but respected my silence and was gone by 5.30.

So tonight is the night. There is a window of opportunity when my son is out playing football. I will be calm, I will be measured and I will plan what I will say. God knows I have thought about it enough. I won’t shout (please let me maintain that one), I won’t get angry.

I am clear about what I want. It isn’t about any relationship I may or not be having. It is about having the freedom to seek the life I want in the way I want it. It is about opportunities to do new things in different ways that I know he doesn’t seek, want or whatever. New things that I am no longer sorry to say I don’t want to seek with him.

The journey to here started many years ago. A young husband unfaithful to his pregnant wife. A young woman left alone for weeks on end with a young child. Denial of the realities, fear of being alone. A fight for possession of a man who I probably didn’t want then, 20 years ago. The events of the past 2 years are part of this journey, but they are not the whole thing.

On the radio while I was typing this – Oasis, Whatever – with the lyrics – Free to do whatever I , to be whatever  you to be wherever you (I paraphrase) – I think that is today’s theme – Free to be whatever I choose, Free to be wherever I want, whatever I want.

If I get any doubts this evening this is the date that most recently springs to mind when I knew change must take place. Joolz – remember how you felt on this day!

This week

I am going to write this while the thoughts are fresh in my mind. Before I talk myself out of it. I am writing it here, because once it is here I won’t be able to pretend it isn’t what I decided and and what I should do.

At 4.30am this morning hubby walked into the bedroom to collect his clothes for work. Last week, I left them downstairs, but he still came up into the bedroom and lay on the bed for an hour before leaving. This is a man who had spent the weekend away from home, leaving on Friday and returning as this week early Monday morning. During that time there was no contact between us.

Back to this morning, he got dressed. Lay on the bed and since I was awake I spoke; just hello. In the next couple of minutes we exchanged a few words – not many from me as I was not properly awake. Then he dropped his bombshell. He uttered the words – I will be home this Saturday night. Now, I don’t know if this means all weekend, just Saturday night or what. But he hasn’t been here on a Friday, Saturday or Sunday night for months and he is usually out Mondays as well.

Something inside me clicked at that very moment. I said nothing but my mind was in over drive.

Not withstanding anything I might want to be doing next Saturday. Indeed even if I am having a quiet night on my own. I do not want this. I do not want to be with this man, spending time with him that I didn’t chose to spend.

This is the week that I must gather my strength and be honest and open. I must be clear that I want us to separate.

There I have said it.

Time to reflect

It’s been about 10 days since S told me that he was ready to move on. During that time I have spent quite a bit of time reflecting on our relationship together, but also about what I might want in the future.

While we were chatting on Skype that evening, he said he hoped I met someone; that I deserved to be happy. I told him that evening that I wasn’t in any hurry, instead I need to sort my life out.

I do need to do that, but actually I would like to think about a future relationship and what I might look for in that context. For the past few evenings hubby has been home – the longest time we have spent together since well before Christmas. The gulf between us shouted at me – in terms of the way we communicate and the way in which we want to spend our time. When he is home I restrict my time online, and we generally sit in the same room watching tv, eating dinner and speaking about neutral issues. This week, I have had lots of time to think about my life and what the future might hold.

I think the first thing to say is that I really want (and need) is to be allowed to explore my submissive side. I want (and need) a dominant man who can help me do that. I am tired of making quite so many decisions for myself and for everyone around me and I really would like the opportunity to hand some of that over for at least some of the time. I would like to be told that I should like to be told that I am expected to dress in a certain way, to keep myself shaved, to behave in a particular way and to be made to spend some time thinking about my submission. I am not saying I want to be a 24/7 submissive, but to be given the opportunity to consider how much of my time is spent submitting to someone else is something I would like to have.

I want to be someones sexual object. To be made to push my sexual and other boundaries. I want to be expected to kneel, to worship. I want to be made to feel that they are the only one that matters and through those feelings to be aroused.

I want boundaries within which I should live my life. I want to be punished when I wilfully break rules. I want and need control.

In turn I want to be cared for, to be loved and to be made to feel wanted.

I know what I want, indeed what I NEED. The question is, how to I get it?

Picture from Simply Black and White

The end

This time for good.

When S and I resumed our relationship last August, it was always likely to be a temporary thing. A friends with benefits kind of arrangement was what we agreed. During that time we have made the most of that dynamic and things have been good. But I was always aware that he was looking for a long term relationship and that he felt that I was not the one for that (I am inclined to agree with that assessment, though at times let my emotions get the better of me).

However I was not quite expecting him to find that special person so soon after our New Year together. Hell I hadn’t even told my blog the funny parts of that trip, nor had I expressed anything about the difficult phone call I had with my husband and the lies I told him.

But, apparently he has met someone and he thinks that she is going to be ‘the one’ for him. I want him to be happy, and from the sound of things, she may well be able to do that for him.

So that is it for us.

I felt a bit odd for a day or two, but only really in that I am sad that I won’t be having any more times like New Year with S. I like the kink with him and I had slipped back into enjoying the excitement and thrill of that.

He says he hopes I meet someone else, that I deserve to be happy.

Of course I do and sometime maybe that will happen. Not right now though.

Right now, I need to sort out the mess of my long term relationship and get myself into a position where I can have a relationship with whom I want, when I want and on the terms I want.

Its over with S but it doesn’t feel like the complete end of anything.

If anything it is the beginning of a new phase – well that’s what I am hoping anyway!

One to remember

After a Christmas, that in many ways I would like to forget, New Year was something different. Entirely different.

My New Year was spent with the lovely S, and he was pretty keen to make it something special for us both. Special and very different.

He had been working, and I had travelled down during the late afternoon. I arrived shortly after he got in. With no special plans we decided on a quiet evening, the two of us – with food, wine and some kinky sex.

A lot of kinky sex.

For this evening S was once again my Master, in a way he has not really been since the summer. I wore  stockings and heels as usual, but tonight I wore my collar once more. I had my nipples clamped. I was cuffed. I had my panties stuffed into my mouth. I was spanked with both his hand and the riding crop. I was made to lick his ass and balls and then I was allowed to suck his cock. He made me sit on his face and then he gave me the most amazing set of orgasms. I think that was most of part one.

Part 2 was later in the evening, and involved a little more wine and sex on the sofa, or with me knelt on it and then over it. The whole thing is something of a blur.

As midnight approached we cuddled up sipping sparkling wine. He announced that he wanted us upstairs having sex when midnight arrived. Knowing that my family would start to contact me at midnight, I was forced to switch off my phone.

So at midnight, my Sir had his cock inside my backside. He was owning me and I was definitely his slut. Which of course I told him – at his request.

For both of us it was the perfect end to the year and a wonderful way to start the next.

It was definitely one for us both to remember.

Happy New Year to you all.

Life feels good

I haven’t posted here for a few weeks. For once, it isn’t because I don’t want to write something, or because there has been nothing to say. It is just because I have been busy; and in a good way.

I spent part of last weekend with S. After a day of getting on top of home related things (Cupboard clearing part of the preparation for a new kitchen which gets fitted this coming week), I set off. For once, the roads were clear and within 2 hours (trust me that is good going), I was with him. We spent a pleasant evening with some of his friends – BBQ, wine and good conversation – in what will be the last evening out of doors this year.
Back at his we were not late to bed. We were both weary (he had been on a cycle ride during the day and I had as I said been busy in the kitchen), but a few kisses led to some touches and before I knew it, he was inside me. After 3 weeks, it was a wonderful feeling as he pushed inside and stretched me once again. Then as we moved together, as he made me cum and then as he pushed his cock into my tight tight ass. Finally as he came inside me, I felt a huge sense of pleasure and well being.
In the morning S cooked us some very good scrambled eggs with toast – did I ever say how much he looks after me when I am with him? Yes of course, but it is worth saying that he is a great cook!! So much so that I don’t really like scrambled eggs, but love his!!
The day was beautiful, more like summer than some summer days often are. We spent some time planning a geocaching trip. Then, went back to bed.
This time I put on some underwear. Stockings and suspenders, heels – his favourite kind of thing. Then lay in wait.
Stroking me, he noted just how wet I was. Wet and wanton. Positioning himself so he could carry on stroking me, he made it clear he wanted me to suck his cock. I took him into my mouth, gradually taking him deeper. Somehow, I was in the optimum position and he slipped further and further down, yet unusually for me, I didn’t gag. Not even once! All the time, he was working my clit, stroking me there, pinching and bringing me to the edge, time and time again. For the first time in maybe months I really let myself sink into those feelings.
At some point, I requested nipple clamps. But he said he wasn’t quite sure where they were, so applied a human version. There were moments over the next little while when I wondered quite why I had made that request, but as always there was a fine line between pain and pleasure and so pleasure won!
We spent the day out in the beautiful countryside not far from where S lives. Walking, chatting, getting my all time best number of caches in a day. Eating our picnic, drinking our tea. Generally enjoying each others company.
On the way home, it occurred to me that I am just pretty happy right now. Things with S are different to before.  I am not sure how, but they are and what is more they are different in a very good way.