What is necessary?

In the first few days after I moved my blog to this new place I made a few schoolboy errors.  One of these was to accidentally delete all categories and tags I had dragged through. I guess that I could have resent all of the posts, but I decided not to. In all honesty I underestimated the sheer volume of work involved in reviewing nearly 5 years of posts. It was with enthusiasm that I embarked on the task, after all this is about my journey. But I reckoned without the emotional journey that it would send me upon.

I started by working back, but unfortunately during January and February I was experiencing a quiet blogging period. Except of course for February Photofest. So I tried going back to the beginning and in doing so, discovered a forgotten past. Indeed it was a past where, in an attempt to discover the submission I needed I allowed emotion to overtake good sense. As the weeks and months went on, back in 2012 I immersed myself into an alternative reality. One where I struggled with my marriage, while embarking on a relationship with a man who wasn’t what he seemed.

Frustration made me return to the end and work backwards. So far I have reached page 28 or 39, just before I met Master, a journey of 3 years. Journeying through times of love, travel and kink. Through the awful period when my dad was ill and subsequently died. Through too difficult experiences with my mum, her moods, illnesses and our relationship.

All that time my marriage has been drawing to its natural conclusion, a time much more protracted than should be the case. The number of times where I plan to tell him to get lost and that the house will be sold are too numerous to mention.

I have a plan to progress at speed. to label anything involving previous relationships as such. Some of that stuff I may never revisit again.

But just maybe this process has been useful, necessary. Perhaps it has helped me to see just how far I have travelled and how close I am to my goal.

Perhaps this was a necessary task.

I have a few days off. I am spending that time finishing off the decluttering and general preparation for the sale.

 

Blogging update – moving on from the past

Last Sunday I finally got around to moving my blog. Just over two years ago, when it looked as if Blogger was going to ban sex related sites, I bought my own domain. I searched for and read about hosting, WordPress etc and planned to move. I worked out how to move posts across and even successfully managed to do so. Then following a public outcry Google had second thoughts. I couldn’t work out how to make my blogger blog redirect to my self hosted one, so I just gave up. Periodically I returned to look, once more I moved posts across, but still I couldn’t work out how to redirect.

A few weeks ago I received an email to tell me that my domain name was up for renewal. Should I let it go or try again? Always up for a challenge, I decided to give it one more go. So last weekend I spend time that could have been put to better use, working on the move. After much trial and error I got everything across, including photos and links. Then I managed the redirect. Somehow I then managed to re-import the posts and ended up having to manually trawl through and delete about 750 posts.

But after linking my Sinful Sunday post for last week, I heard from Molly that she had spotted a security problem. Somehow I had set up the blog with a url ending in /blog and if you typed .com  you landed at my C panel. Thankfully @DomSigns was able to help out with the technical details so by Friday I was up and running. I am really grateful for Molly and Michael’s help, without which i don’t think I would have been able to get this far.

Then, just as I got to the point where I might be able to concentrate on new material I managed to mess things up again. Having installed a plug in to delete duplicates I somehow managed to delete all the tags and categories in the entire blog. The past couple of days have been spent categorising everything, starting with this past week backwards and then today from the beginning.

Reading about a long left behind relationship has left me with mixed thoughts. Firstly, I had forgotten just how much I had written in those early days. As I explored new experiences I wrote copiously. I embraced the rules he laid down enthusiastically, if perhaps blindly. I enjoyed the times we had, but now recognise he was probably using me. His marriage had ended and he saw me as an opportunity to explore his kinky side.

5 years on, I am faced with a dilemma. I have no desire to remove that part of my life from this blog, but I wonder if those posts need to be characterised in the way they were? As I reviewed them I know labelled them differently. But should I be more radical and create an “archive” category and then move on?

The past is important, after all it made me the person I am today but I need to move forwards. I am in another relationship, one that everyone knows about. I am a slave and Master is my owner. We know pretty much everything  about each other, both positive and negative. I recognise the things that are important, I need to move on. Moving my blog is the right thing for me. I will have greater freedom about what and how I write. But it will also allow me to let go of the past. There is great value in that.

The image below was the first I posted of me on my blog in 2012. He loved me to dress up in that kind of way and I has fun doing so. But that was then and I think I prefer the way Master likes me to dress for him now. The maid will be consigned to the archives after today along with that part of my blog.

Febraury Photofest

WTF?

This afternoon I sat in a room with the person who was my manager in 2012, we had a great chat about our working lives then and now. We both agreed that we worked in a toxic environment then and are happy to be where we are now.  The meeting finished just after 4 and since I had driven there I made my way home. Given that last evening I spent time looking at posts from 4 years ago that conversation feels relevant.  It took me back, once again to the place and person I was in 2012.  person who I know is different to the one I am now.

Arriving home tonight around 5.15, I know that he would pitch up pretty soon and is as is usual the ex turned up at around 5.30. Apparently my texts to him are too direct, I need to start my sentences with: “would you mind if” and some such. But this is how it is.

He takes a shower in our house every night since his lady friend has a 1970’s style bath, no shower. He hates a bath and hasn’t sat in one for years. Obviously he hasn’t been to the kind of places I have where they have a wonderful spa bath, or tried candles, bubbles and sparking wine at home (though let it not be this home)

Discussions were cordial but to  be frank this particular statement stuck in my mind:
“I still own half of this house, I pay £80 each month. I pay for Sky TV”
As I told him £80 is nothing in comparison to the mortgage, utility bills, council tax…….In excess of £600. If he didn’t pay the Sky TV bill I would cut it off. Who needs satellite TV (other than Master using the mobile app that comes with hubby’s deal to watch cricket) any way?
Then there is the apartment in France for which he pays nothing. Meanwhile for the past 3 years he has enjoyed 2 holidays a year, for the price of the flights.
I need to get out of this situation and to leave him to it. Really! WTF?

Looking back, looking forwards

From time to time I have a look back at what I might have written this week or month in previous years on this blog. This morning, prompted by a photo of my then very old and now deceased and Renault Clio’s odometer passing the 100,000 mile mark, I looked back on the Blog to this week in 2012.

I started to write a retrospective post, but struggled. Did I really want to look back an re live what I was feeling then? The negativity of that period shone through with abundance. My ex was a very negative figure in my life during that period, but actually so was S my so called Dom at that time. At the same time, I was given notice that I would potentially lose my job at the end of that financial year.

I did lose my job,  but the sky did not fall on me, I have a better, more well paid job now. S and I limped along for quite some time after, but if I look back on the blog posts at the time and subsequently it was clear to see that it would never work. At the time, it might have seemed that I was giving up 30 years of marriage for something that S would never offer me, and of course did not. As for hubby, well there was a whole lot of negativity to some, not least the weekend in Germany when it subsequently transpired that he met his now partner. Not that he has ever accepted to me that is what and who she is.

Sadly it is around Christmas 2012 that I can trace a change in my relationship with my son, who I had previously been so close to. I failed to understand that I needed to be open with him about the change in my relationship with his dad, but hopefully conversations since then have helped him to understand life is not quite that simple.

It was to be another year before Master and I encountered each other online and subsequently met in real life. But the signs of my need for this kind of relationship was there.

Whatever other mistakes I have made in my life, I know that while it is important to recognise where you have come from, it is much more important to understand where you are going.

Look back briefly, but keep your eyes on the future.

This weekend my son and his girlfriend started with us, as they prepare to move into their own home and I continue to prepare to leave, this our family home after over 25 years. It is time to look forward and not back. It is easy to reminisce but to be frank I don’t think I will be writing about the past too much any more.

It’s been over a month

Since my last post.

I feel kind of ashamed that I am not posting regularly. I visit often, I read the blogs on my blog list but for one reason or another haven’t felt inclined to post here.
Why is that?
Well it isn’t because I have stopped being Master’s slave. No matter how vanilla our lives are, I am still His collared slave.  He welcomes my input into how our life together runs, but is always in control and in charge.
To be honest there isn’t much kink, but that is mainly because we have been so busy. We have been working together to get my house ready for the sale and then last week we were on a much needed holiday which we spent staying on a narrow boat.
We intend to get the kinky side of our relationship back on track soon. But we have more painting and sorting out to do yet. We can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it still seems to be far in the distance.
Master suggested I should post more of our everyday life here while we are getting the kinky side back on track.
Maybe, just maybe that is the answer.
Meantime. this:
His photo of me, altered on his photography app. This is quite cute don’t you think?

As time goes by……….

 

Friends and much more

Last year HornyGeekGirl started a meme, I stumbled upon it and some where along the line got confused and thought it was new. The prompt is above and I have written the post so its getting posted, better late than never!. I have to say that I love the quote (going to have to find out more about the author) and also the banner on which it sits – beautiful scene of wild flowers……

……………………………….
It wasn’t the first time I had arranged to meet a man previously only known to me on the internet. But this was different:
  • We hadn’t even spoken on the phone.
  • I didn’t know his first name until I asked him for it the night before.
  • He lived more locally than the previous encounter and therefore I must have known that there were more possibilities open to me.
  • I knew he was involved with someone else, though had little idea at the time of what their relationship was about.
  • I thought I knew about BDSM, about D/s. It turned out that I was about to find out much much more.

 

I was nervous, I expect he was too though we haven’t discussed that. What was clear to us both was there was something of a sexual spark between us which emerged during the time it took for us to consume one drink. I expect I spoke quickly and said too much, he was a good listener. As we finished our drinks, he suggested a walk.
It was cool and damp out, but not unpleasant and fresh air seemed a good idea. He took my hand and I felt the buzz of electricity between us. Soon after we stood in a churchyard and kissed for the first time, he touched me outside of my clothes. I throbbed for him. My life had inextricably changed in those few moments even if I didn’t know it yet.
Looking back on the past 2 years and 7 months I can see that I have changed as a person, that I am happier, more self fulfilled, more confident in myself as a woman and as a sexual being. I am his slut, his bitch and his slave. But also I am his friend and he is mine. We have a relationship based on openness and trust. The dynamic requires it but so does the relationship itself. I love this man, my best friend, my lover, My Master.

Balance

At the beginning of the year I decided that this would be the one where I sorted out things in the marital home and got it ready to sell. I spent time decluttering, but as the spring turned to summer very little of any significance happened. We went on holiday and had the most amazing time, we returned and we had something of a busy social life with nights out and weekends away. Suddenly it was August and we wondered where the year had gone.

For Master it has been the same, he said at the beginning of the year that he would refurbish his bathroom; we even went to a bathroom shop to take a look. He chose the one he wanted. He said he needed to declutter, ready for me to move in. The months passed, we made a couple of trips to the recycling centre and I helped with getting rid of some of the clutter – sometimes a person needs another to be assertive, even if they are their slave. But then life got busy;  holidays, nights out, weekends away. Then it was August.
During all of this something happened to the kink and overt signs of our M/s dynamic. We settled into a lovely routine, always had good sex, though less frequently perhaps than before. We were comfortable in our life, no problems, just not really kinky. Then it was August.
Finally in August we rediscovered our mojo for getting things done and also for our dynamic. We realised we needed to make an effort and to get things done. We also realised that relationships of all kinds must be worked at.
Today it is September, I can look back on August with pleasure and say we have had fun, but we have also got things done. I have cleared out the garden and am well on the way to being happy with what I see when I look outside of the window. I have started to get rid of things inside, and have begun to plan what I should keep and what should go. Master has been working on his house too, he has designed his bathroom though hasn’t quite as far as ordering it, yet. We have begun to discuss clearing his garage so I can store some things there after I move out of here. Today I have taken a day off and we will finish off repairing my shed and painting the fence, among other fun things.
Best of all we have revitalised the kink. There has been naked kneeling, CMNF evenings in the house, I have some kinky new things to wear and there is a sign of a task or two to come. We are still to get out to a club for play, and indeed haven’t played at home for a while. But he is clearly exerting his Master status over me his slave and I am happily getting on with being the best slave I can be.
As we move towards autumn I feel confident that we have a balance and are moving in the right direction.

Random stuff

This weekend we have made some significant progress towards being ready to sell my house. I hired a skip and Master and I spent yesterday mainly filling it with stuff from the garden. My ex was fantastic at moving and removing things but often anything that he didn’t want to put into his car and take away to the recycling centre he just dumped it into the garden. All of that stuff has been removed, along with any over hanging bush or tree. There is still time to add more stuff to the pile but already I feel closer to my final destination.

Last night I did something which in hindsight was stupid. I messaged Master’s former slave to ask if she was ok. What I received, after an affirmative response was something of a rant. Apparently He lied to her, He treated her badly, He only got divorced because it is me he is with now and not her (rubbish as his ex initiated it as I had already told her). The funny thing is that while message after message came through to my phone, I was busy elsewhere. Instructed to kneel before Him and take His cock in my mouth.  It was only this morning that I read back what she had written. I have now taken her off of my Facebook and messenger and won’t make the same mistake!

Kneeling at His feet last night, naked I took Master’s cock in my mouth and was instructed not to suck. Holding that wonderful organ in my mouth without sucking it in was difficult. But at those moments when His control over me is paramount I tend to follow instructions to the letter.

My compliance is less so when we are apart. I have a set of rules to follow, but don’t always comply. Why is that? Probably, I need that day by day attention, need to be made to focus on my role and purpose. That is just one of the reasons that I am concentrating on the job in hand, in getting myself ready to move in with Master.

Just one reason. I love the closeness we have now. I love that we can do things together.  I know that I want to be in the position that I can serve Him every day. I know that I am on the right path and Master is helping me get there.

It’s kind of scary

The Olympics started last weekend which serves as a reminder of just how long it has taken me to get to this point in my life. Four years ago I had been seeing S for a few months. I was living with the euphoria of a new relationship, my first for over 30 years and I was yet to have to face up to my actions. Life was good, but I was busily dancing around the reality of what I was doing. That I was doing to my ex what had previously done to me. He was oblivious and yet to meet the woman he now lives with, yet to lie to me about his whereabouts. I was happy in the illusion that things with S would turn into something long lasting, that he was the Dom I wanted and needed. It would be another 18 months before that relationship would finally end and I would meet Master.

Fast forward to now and life remains kind of scary, though in a different way. I have spent this entire year preparing to sell the house and move in with Master, but still I am not there. I procrastinate on a weekly if not daily basis. The goals I set myself 6 months ago for today are still not complete. I want to make this move, but it takes more energy than I sometimes feel I possess.

That final step is scary. It means giving up my home and moving to somewhere that while I am comfortable to exist in, is not somewhere I can yet call that place. Home.  A conversation with Master last night brought home to me that I am still not sure that moving in with him is what I truly want. Don’t get me wrong, I want to be with him every day, not just at weekends and holidays with the odd extra day and night thrown in. But giving up this new found independence, my own place, where I have space, solitude, even silence is proving hard to do. Plus there is the knowledge that I will be living in a home I don’t own and never will, a place that if something happened to him I might not be able to stay in (even though he has told me that he will make plans for that possibility.

But, perhaps speaking my fears aloud last night did some good. I have spent some of today with a new energy to sort through things and I know that I have already planned some of the things I need to do over the coming days and into next week.

This was never going to be easy, perhaps it shouldn’t have taken me this length of time to sort myself out, but I know that I am moving ever closer to what I need to do and where I need to be.

It’s just that, it really is kind of scary.