At the beginning of the year I decided that this would be the one where I sorted out things in the marital home and got it ready to sell. I spent time decluttering, but as the spring turned to summer very little of any significance happened. We went on holiday and had the most amazing time, we returned and we had something of a busy social life with nights out and weekends away. Suddenly it was August and we wondered where the year had gone.
This weekend we have made some significant progress towards being ready to sell my house. I hired a skip and Master and I spent yesterday mainly filling it with stuff from the garden. My ex was fantastic at moving and removing things but often anything that he didn’t want to put into his car and take away to the recycling centre he just dumped it into the garden. All of that stuff has been removed, along with any over hanging bush or tree. There is still time to add more stuff to the pile but already I feel closer to my final destination.
Last night I did something which in hindsight was stupid. I messaged Master’s former slave to ask if she was ok. What I received, after an affirmative response was something of a rant. Apparently He lied to her, He treated her badly, He only got divorced because it is me he is with now and not her (rubbish as his ex initiated it as I had already told her). The funny thing is that while message after message came through to my phone, I was busy elsewhere. Instructed to kneel before Him and take His cock in my mouth. It was only this morning that I read back what she had written. I have now taken her off of my Facebook and messenger and won’t make the same mistake!
Kneeling at His feet last night, naked I took Master’s cock in my mouth and was instructed not to suck. Holding that wonderful organ in my mouth without sucking it in was difficult. But at those moments when His control over me is paramount I tend to follow instructions to the letter.
My compliance is less so when we are apart. I have a set of rules to follow, but don’t always comply. Why is that? Probably, I need that day by day attention, need to be made to focus on my role and purpose. That is just one of the reasons that I am concentrating on the job in hand, in getting myself ready to move in with Master.
Just one reason. I love the closeness we have now. I love that we can do things together. I know that I want to be in the position that I can serve Him every day. I know that I am on the right path and Master is helping me get there.
The Olympics started last weekend which serves as a reminder of just how long it has taken me to get to this point in my life. Four years ago I had been seeing S for a few months. I was living with the euphoria of a new relationship, my first for over 30 years and I was yet to have to face up to my actions. Life was good, but I was busily dancing around the reality of what I was doing. That I was doing to my ex what had previously done to me. He was oblivious and yet to meet the woman he now lives with, yet to lie to me about his whereabouts. I was happy in the illusion that things with S would turn into something long lasting, that he was the Dom I wanted and needed. It would be another 18 months before that relationship would finally end and I would meet Master.
Fast forward to now and life remains kind of scary, though in a different way. I have spent this entire year preparing to sell the house and move in with Master, but still I am not there. I procrastinate on a weekly if not daily basis. The goals I set myself 6 months ago for today are still not complete. I want to make this move, but it takes more energy than I sometimes feel I possess.
That final step is scary. It means giving up my home and moving to somewhere that while I am comfortable to exist in, is not somewhere I can yet call that place. Home. A conversation with Master last night brought home to me that I am still not sure that moving in with him is what I truly want. Don’t get me wrong, I want to be with him every day, not just at weekends and holidays with the odd extra day and night thrown in. But giving up this new found independence, my own place, where I have space, solitude, even silence is proving hard to do. Plus there is the knowledge that I will be living in a home I don’t own and never will, a place that if something happened to him I might not be able to stay in (even though he has told me that he will make plans for that possibility.
But, perhaps speaking my fears aloud last night did some good. I have spent some of today with a new energy to sort through things and I know that I have already planned some of the things I need to do over the coming days and into next week.
This was never going to be easy, perhaps it shouldn’t have taken me this length of time to sort myself out, but I know that I am moving ever closer to what I need to do and where I need to be.
It’s just that, it really is kind of scary.
The trip to Sicily was amazing, but it was busy. We walked and walked, often up hills or steps, and we saw so many amazing things. We drank wonderful beer and wine and ate some amazing meals. But most nights we fell exhausted into bed (often it was a different bed from the night before) and in the morning got up early enough to grab breakfast before moving onto the next wonderful place.
I haven’t felt much like posting here over the past couple of weeks. There is nothing wrong, I have just run out of steam. The past couple of months have seen lots of activity on the blog; the blogging A-Z in April and then lots of meme participation. Ultimately though, there is more to this place than following a format, fun as it is to do.
There are many posts whirling around in my head, but nothing will quite come out. Last weekend was busy, in a fun and cultural sense. Generally there has been a limited amount of kink and overt submission.
That submission is always there, it is just that sometimes I struggle to see it. I really do long for the time when I am able to demonstrate it every day when we are free to be the Master and slave we desire to be. Just when I think I am stuck in a particular place though, I come across something that reminds me how far I have travelled, how much better my life is now, how lucky I am.
This morning, I found this post, written to my ex hubby from June 2013:
At last it seems that progress has been made. This morning while I was making my morning tea and getting my breakfast ready a text came through from hubby telling me he was ready to get the house valued. In fact he seemed keen to put it up for sale more quickly than I do. There are a few bits of decorating and some more decluttering to be done first. I believe that these will maximise the sale price and also mean there is less to do before I move out.
I sometimes feel that I am all talk and very little action. That I should be dealing with ending this thing once and for all but am failing.
Yesterday at work a ‘lunch and learn’ was held. Colleagues are taking it in turn to teach / inform / instruct others in various topics they have expertise in. Chatting to my closest work colleagues I joked that my lunch and learn topic would be ‘How not to end a long term relationship’
I have lived here alone for around 15 months. Hubby moved out permanently just before Christmas 2014 and my son in around February of 2015. The latter is now happily living with his girlfriend. Hubby is living with his girlfriend in what he would have me believe is some kind of landlady / lodger arrangement. I am not convinced. I applied to the local council for the reduction in local taxes that you can get if a single person lives in a property. I heard nothing, so applied again. It seems that he remains on the electoral register and that is how they judge entitlement. But changes to the way the electoral register is run mean that an individual have to move their own address for this purpose. He has not done so because his lady friend claims the reduction. I could drop them both in the s**t but don’t really want to be that vindictive. So I pay full rate council tax.
I have asked him to pack his remaining clothes and he agreed he would but was informed he has no where to put his things at her place! That was several weeks ago. I asked him to stop turning up every day, but was told that her shower is broken and he doesn’t like to take a bath (the last part is true, but not my problem).
Yesterday I saw him as I was home early. We chatted about recent events pretty easily. I told him that my aunt was over from New Zealand and that I was planning to take my mum and aunt to visit other family soon. All was calm and relaxed as we talked about other times Gwen has visited. But later, he texted me to say he was sad that he was no longer part of the family that the visit wasn’t open to him. He soon began to wallow in the usual self pity.
This morning I was snooping around a box of his stuff that is sitting on my son’s bed. Hubby’s stuff. I found a piece of paper with some names and phone numbers written on it. Names and phone numbers of people that could only have been taken from my phone in 2012-13 when things were coming to a head and before I had proper password protection. For some reason this discovery brought me to my senses.
This morning I had my appraisal at work. I discussed my job, the things I have done well and could do better and my thoughts around my next (and probably final job). Sitting at my desk afterwards I realised that this is my opportunity to make the changes I need in both work and personally. Time for some real action. I felt and feel fired up.
So, this weekend I am going to pack his clothes up into bags. That is the first step.
Then next week I will give him a clear time table for the final changes to be made – his leaving for good, his agreement on the house sale etc.
Over the coming weeks Master and I will (I have no doubt) discuss my future career move and how I handle that. In my marriage I have to overcome my preference for being submissive and for not wanting to make decisions and to take control. With Master’s support I know that I can and that I must.
Limits, love and lust.
When I first started in this whole D/s, BDSM world and chatted to a few guys online they were always interested in your limits. To begin with, I had little idea of what they either were or ought to be and had to read around the subject. I distinctly remember ‘chatting’ with one individual who declared I would be wearing a diaper (nappy in this country), I cut him short and left the conversation. Yep, I thought a limit. When I met S we had a conversation about what we did and didn’t want / intend to do, but I was always free to say no. I never actually did since, despite being tied naked to a tree and fucked on a picnic table, he never asked me to do anything that I considered to be a limit.
With Master, the relationship started off in the same way, limits were discussed in a chat room and, he was always careful to test out I was happy with things. We were playing or else having sex. He discovered my exhibitionist tendencies and pushed those, but I was never unhappy with what he suggested and have never called red. I became his slave during that first summer and then last year received his collar and this caused me to think. I trust this man, he has my submission, I have agreed that he is my owner and so as part of this he should have my limits. He didn’t demand them, I offered them and he grabbed them from me. Of course, I am a human and I have consented to this whole thing, so I can take anything away that was given. But I can’t see that happening. The limits are defined by him and that is how we live our life. He loves the power he feels owning both me and my limits and I in turn love that I no longer have to worry about this kind of thing. Now if he asked me to wear a diaper, things might change!
Love and Lust
I was with the same man for nearly 30 years and so, when it came to getting involved with new people it was difficult to know quite what to expect. What I experienced in the first instance in both relationships I think was lust. I discovered a much more sexual person in myself than I even knew I was and often became overwhelmed with lustful endorphins. Both times I faced, or in Master’s case perceived the end of the relationship, and my reactions made me think I must be in love. With S, this came as a surprise, since he had pushed back quite a bit on the feelings side of things, plus there were things about him which rang alarm bells in me. It told myself that this was about the kinky sex, but when he ended it one hot July day having earlier tied me to a tree in the woods, I was devastated. Later I confirmed to myself that it had been lust. But also my reaction was about the possibility of returning to my former self, a feeling of loss. When the real end of that relationship came, the break was easy.
With Master things were different, it was never meant to be about love. It was supposed to be an opportunity for me to learn about my submission while he bided his time until his real submissive was with him. When he reaffirmed that understanding to me several months later, I felt bereft. I imagined myself as unlovable, pictured myself alone without the man I so obviously loved. That isn’t to say we didn’t lust after each other because we did and still do. But there is more to this, a deeper understanding a way of communicating that I sadly never experienced before. Nor, I think did he. This really is love.
Which makes me go back to my marriage. There was some lust at the beginning, but I really can’t remember when I hungered for him in the way I do for Master. I loved him and still do in a strange way – partly due to his neediness which drove me mad and attracted me.
It may be scary to think that these 3 relationships are pretty much it in terms of sexual encounters. There have been a couple more, but neither feel significant now. But for me, for now I don’t feel I have lost out since I know that what I have now is something I want to keep hold of.
The past couple of weeks were a little troublesome. There is a need to get on with things relating to the past relationship and in selling the house. After this post, a conversation then meeting with my son took place and he made it clear that he felt closure was needed. The idea of being given life and relationship advice by a 25 year old was to say the least interesting. But I did take it on board. Funnily enough this has coincided with some of the challenging interactions with Master and of course they are likely as not linked.
On a couple of occasions recently it has occured to me that I really should try harder at getting myself properly separated from the man who is still legally my husband. The first was while we were in Amsterdam and I was challenged by the friend we were staying with about my living arrangements. This was fairly near the start of the evening, before we had drunk too much wine. Much of what was discussed later has become something of a blur, but I do know that the discussion about my house and about my ex was no less honest and open than the rest of our conversations. I remember admitting how difficult I am finding it to give up the house. This is something of a revelation, since (and I admitted this), there was a time that I didn’t actually like it here. It turns out that dislike was about some of the less pleasant memories associated with it, plus the man I was living with. Now I fully admit I am struggling to give it up. The second occasion was over the weekend when I was writing my kink of the week post about being kidnapped and / or held captive. As I wrote, and the post emerged from my keyboard, I discovered the truth (well perhaps uncovered it) that if Master were to take me away from here and trap me at his place (or anywhere else), then I wouldn’t have to deal with the difficult stuff.