Balance

At the beginning of the year I decided that this would be the one where I sorted out things in the marital home and got it ready to sell. I spent time decluttering, but as the spring turned to summer very little of any significance happened. We went on holiday and had the most amazing time, we returned and we had something of a busy social life with nights out and weekends away. Suddenly it was August and we wondered where the year had gone.

For Master it has been the same, he said at the beginning of the year that he would refurbish his bathroom; we even went to a bathroom shop to take a look. He chose the one he wanted. He said he needed to declutter, ready for me to move in. The months passed, we made a couple of trips to the recycling centre and I helped with getting rid of some of the clutter – sometimes a person needs another to be assertive, even if they are their slave. But then life got busy;  holidays, nights out, weekends away. Then it was August.
During all of this something happened to the kink and overt signs of our M/s dynamic. We settled into a lovely routine, always had good sex, though less frequently perhaps than before. We were comfortable in our life, no problems, just not really kinky. Then it was August.
Finally in August we rediscovered our mojo for getting things done and also for our dynamic. We realised we needed to make an effort and to get things done. We also realised that relationships of all kinds must be worked at.
Today it is September, I can look back on August with pleasure and say we have had fun, but we have also got things done. I have cleared out the garden and am well on the way to being happy with what I see when I look outside of the window. I have started to get rid of things inside, and have begun to plan what I should keep and what should go. Master has been working on his house too, he has designed his bathroom though hasn’t quite as far as ordering it, yet. We have begun to discuss clearing his garage so I can store some things there after I move out of here. Today I have taken a day off and we will finish off repairing my shed and painting the fence, among other fun things.
Best of all we have revitalised the kink. There has been naked kneeling, CMNF evenings in the house, I have some kinky new things to wear and there is a sign of a task or two to come. We are still to get out to a club for play, and indeed haven’t played at home for a while. But he is clearly exerting his Master status over me his slave and I am happily getting on with being the best slave I can be.
As we move towards autumn I feel confident that we have a balance and are moving in the right direction.

Random stuff

This weekend we have made some significant progress towards being ready to sell my house. I hired a skip and Master and I spent yesterday mainly filling it with stuff from the garden. My ex was fantastic at moving and removing things but often anything that he didn’t want to put into his car and take away to the recycling centre he just dumped it into the garden. All of that stuff has been removed, along with any over hanging bush or tree. There is still time to add more stuff to the pile but already I feel closer to my final destination.

Last night I did something which in hindsight was stupid. I messaged Master’s former slave to ask if she was ok. What I received, after an affirmative response was something of a rant. Apparently He lied to her, He treated her badly, He only got divorced because it is me he is with now and not her (rubbish as his ex initiated it as I had already told her). The funny thing is that while message after message came through to my phone, I was busy elsewhere. Instructed to kneel before Him and take His cock in my mouth.  It was only this morning that I read back what she had written. I have now taken her off of my Facebook and messenger and won’t make the same mistake!

Kneeling at His feet last night, naked I took Master’s cock in my mouth and was instructed not to suck. Holding that wonderful organ in my mouth without sucking it in was difficult. But at those moments when His control over me is paramount I tend to follow instructions to the letter.

My compliance is less so when we are apart. I have a set of rules to follow, but don’t always comply. Why is that? Probably, I need that day by day attention, need to be made to focus on my role and purpose. That is just one of the reasons that I am concentrating on the job in hand, in getting myself ready to move in with Master.

Just one reason. I love the closeness we have now. I love that we can do things together.  I know that I want to be in the position that I can serve Him every day. I know that I am on the right path and Master is helping me get there.

It’s kind of scary

The Olympics started last weekend which serves as a reminder of just how long it has taken me to get to this point in my life. Four years ago I had been seeing S for a few months. I was living with the euphoria of a new relationship, my first for over 30 years and I was yet to have to face up to my actions. Life was good, but I was busily dancing around the reality of what I was doing. That I was doing to my ex what had previously done to me. He was oblivious and yet to meet the woman he now lives with, yet to lie to me about his whereabouts. I was happy in the illusion that things with S would turn into something long lasting, that he was the Dom I wanted and needed. It would be another 18 months before that relationship would finally end and I would meet Master.

Fast forward to now and life remains kind of scary, though in a different way. I have spent this entire year preparing to sell the house and move in with Master, but still I am not there. I procrastinate on a weekly if not daily basis. The goals I set myself 6 months ago for today are still not complete. I want to make this move, but it takes more energy than I sometimes feel I possess.

That final step is scary. It means giving up my home and moving to somewhere that while I am comfortable to exist in, is not somewhere I can yet call that place. Home.  A conversation with Master last night brought home to me that I am still not sure that moving in with him is what I truly want. Don’t get me wrong, I want to be with him every day, not just at weekends and holidays with the odd extra day and night thrown in. But giving up this new found independence, my own place, where I have space, solitude, even silence is proving hard to do. Plus there is the knowledge that I will be living in a home I don’t own and never will, a place that if something happened to him I might not be able to stay in (even though he has told me that he will make plans for that possibility.

But, perhaps speaking my fears aloud last night did some good. I have spent some of today with a new energy to sort through things and I know that I have already planned some of the things I need to do over the coming days and into next week.

This was never going to be easy, perhaps it shouldn’t have taken me this length of time to sort myself out, but I know that I am moving ever closer to what I need to do and where I need to be.

It’s just that, it really is kind of scary.

A reconnection

The trip to Sicily was amazing, but it was busy. We walked and walked, often up hills or steps, and we saw so many amazing things. We drank wonderful beer and wine and ate some amazing meals. But most nights we fell exhausted into bed (often it was a different bed from the night before) and in the morning got up early enough to grab breakfast before moving onto the next wonderful place.

We had a lovely weekend in Agrigento, in an apartment. For 3 days we were able to come and go, eat and drink what and when we wanted (mainly simple breakfasts of fruit and yoghurt plus good coffee with hot milk!) and know that no one was going to want to come in and clean the room (or whatever). We had our busiest day while there, when we went to visit the Greek temples. It was hot and very sticky, and the day was a long one, we walked miles, including in the evening since the nearest restaurants were half an hour away (on foot, as we wanted to be able to have wine etc with dinner). The next day though, which was Sunday we went to the supermarket and bought food and wine for dinner so that after an afternoon of sightseeing we were able to grab some down time.
At the end of the following week we found ourselves at a wonderful, very classy hotel in Palermo. Here we experienced a little bit of luxury; lovely breakfasts over looking the sea, drinks and nibbles on the patio and a couple of hours by (and in) the pool. But the hotel was quite a way out of town so we needed to use the hotel shuttle or a taxi (as previously mentioned we only walked it once!) to go anywhere and once out in the morning preferred to stay out until after dinner.
We returned from holiday invigorated, and probably fitter. I put on 3lb, (probably due to beer, crisps, nuts and olives which we tended to eat at lunchtime since they came with the beer), but have already lost 2. The holiday was active, but not tiring even though we were busy. What we didn’t have much time for though was sex or any real opportunity to play. I mostly wore underwear, to prevent chafing and other effects of 30c (and higher) heat.Then last weekend we were also busy with a concert on Saturday and then a friend visiting from Holland Sunday and Monday. We had a lovely time showing her more of London and on Sunday we had a lovely meal in a family run Italian restaurant, thank goodness such places still exist in London. The train home on both nights was around 11pm.

During the week we expressed our frustration abut how the M/s side of things seemed to have been lacking for us both. For me it felt that I was failing as His slave in some way, and he expressed to me that perhaps he wasn’t doing his job as Master well. However the reality is that we are experiencing real life. You can’t have it, well not all of the time.
This weekend has been different. We have had plenty of time to spend having sex and in rediscovering my submission and His dominance. I have been on my knees for the first time in ages worshipping Master’s wonderful cock. There has been plenty of sex, many orgasms and a lot of time just reconnecting with each other. We have also had time to sit and do very little, I have left him to some clearing out while I went to the sales in town. He has cooked for us, and then we have walked to the pub. We have spent time talking about our holiday, remembering places, people and the wonderful things we did and saw.
We have taken tim to rebalance and reconnect and our relationship is all the better for the opportunity to do just that.

Reflections

I haven’t felt much like posting here over the past couple of weeks. There is nothing wrong, I have just run out of steam. The past couple of months have seen lots of activity on the blog; the blogging A-Z in April and then lots of meme participation. Ultimately though, there is more to this place than following a format, fun as it is to do.

There are many posts whirling around in my head, but nothing will quite come out. Last weekend was busy, in a fun and cultural sense. Generally there has been a limited amount of kink and overt submission.

That submission is always there, it is just that sometimes I struggle to see it. I really do long for the time when I am able to demonstrate it every day when we are free to be the Master and slave we desire to be. Just when I think I am stuck in a particular place though, I come across something that reminds me how far I have travelled, how much better my life is now, how lucky I am.

This morning, I found this post, written to my ex hubby from June 2013:

B,

 
On Sunday we have been married for 29 years. That is a lifetime – we have both been married for longer than we were single. We have had some great times, how ever would we have stayed together if we hadn’t. Equally we have had some difficult moments, not least the present. This year there will be no cards, no romantic meals – not even the pretence that we are happily married. No we won’t even see each other. Tomorrow you will tell me where you are off to for the weekend, personally I will find something useful to do; perhaps be with friends, who knows. Even though our marriage is on it’s very last legs, I will not be with Sir (and wouldn’t have been even if he hadn’t been working).
 
Today, I saw you for the first time in over 2 weeks. You were too busy to take me to the airport, too busy to join me on holiday, too busy to be here on my return. Yesterday on fathers day, your son was sad you weren’t here. Whether his failure to even text you was warranted, is between the two of you, after all, he is an adult now. It has been 7 months since I told you of my infidelity and 5 since the say I confirmed it by going off one Sunday to see my lover, leaving bereft at home. Since then we have not (as far as I can remember) spent one whole weekend together. You were away at Easter and even when I was away on holiday you spent few nights at home. You ask me to be patient with you. Say you don’t want to lose me. But even when I have offered to give up Sir you tell me that since it will make me unhappy you do not wish me to.
 
Both Sir and the friend I was on holiday with say that I now need to take control of this situation, and I know they are right. I am allowing myself to be treated just as badly now as I was before this happened.  I know I have committed the worst sin possible within a marriage, and I have made no secret of this, but you did too. Granted it was many years ago, but the facts remain. You keep information from me – even tonight during the 30 minutes you were here having a shower and changing – refusing to tell me when you will be home, where you are going, where you stay, where your clothes are. You spend money recklessly and ask me for more. 
 
You say you can’t give me what I need. Sexually, this is probably true. But even though I have offered to give this up you prefer to remain the martyr. If I am to be married, I need a husband, I need a loving relationship, I need to be cared for. You provide me with none of the above, yet you take all that you can. 
 
I am reaching the end. Despite the fact I have most recently broken our wedding vows, I am the one currently feeling most deceived, most cheated upon. I think that after Sunday I will be ready.
 
I am sorry it has come to this, but I think that we need to face facts. We need to stop pretending and you need to realise that this is about more than sex, even if that sex is of the kinky kind.
 
I still care for you B, but I no longer love you as a wife should, I no longer respect you. My feeling as I started this letter was anger, but now, it is sorrow.
 
 
Immediately after reading this, I started to wonder that I had moved on at all. After all B is not completely out of my life (though the person I called Sir at the time is). We are still married and the house is not yet sold. I had forgotten the extent of his betrayal of me at that time, of the fact that I had offered quite so many olive branches to him. Since then I have discovered that he was pretty much living with another woman. I have also found out the extent of the hurt my son felt about what was going on.
But tonight as I look back on the day that I wrote this I can only be grateful that the relationship with S ended and that I didn’t go back to B. Grateful that I met Master and that his relationship with his then slave ended. Grateful that I recognised my need to be Master’s submissive and to give myself totally to him. Grateful that together we have enjoyed so many great experiences together and that we continue to plan more.
In June 2013 I barely knew what submission was about. I had yet to experience pain in the way I now have. I perceived that there was much missing from my life, but didn’t even know what it was let alone how to find it.
Today, in June 2016 I know that I am an owned slave. I know that I exist to serve and please him. I know that my life is more fulfilled than I might have expected. I know that I have no need to make decisions in most of my life (save work and my own family), I know that I need Master’s help and guidance in all that I do. I know that I am not scared to have given up control.
I have come a long way.
This year, on the day of the anniversary of that marriage I will be with Master. I won’t be worrying about B and his life, but instead I will be focusing on my service to the man who owns me and loves me. Being the slave he wants and needs. I will just be girl.
This girl, His pierced slave. His property. His love
His.

The green light

At last it seems that progress has been made. This morning while I was making my morning tea and getting my breakfast ready a text came through from hubby telling me he was ready to get the house valued. In fact he seemed keen to put it up for sale more quickly than I do. There are a few bits of decorating and some more decluttering to be done first. I believe that these will maximise the sale price and also mean there is less to do before I move out.

This weekend Master and I put up a new light in the dining room. It has been sitting around waiting to be installed for over 2 years and having been let down by my brother a number of times it is now fixed and looks great. I have also cleared out some old papers (the shredding machine was working overtime) and also filled up my garden waste bin with weeds and shrub branches ready for the collection on Wednesday.
Now I feel I have the green light for a proper structured programme of work over the summer months. Some times can be done after work, others will be weekend projects. I also plan to contact a plasterer in the next few days as the hall, stairs and landing is badly in need of some attention.
At last though it feels something will really happen. At last he is ready to move on.
As far as I am concerned there is no stalling and no turning back from here on.

The things that need to be done

I sometimes feel that I am all talk and very little action. That I should be dealing with ending this thing once and for all but am failing.

Yesterday at work a ‘lunch and learn’ was held. Colleagues are taking it in turn to teach / inform / instruct others in various topics they have expertise in. Chatting to my closest work colleagues I joked that my lunch and learn topic would be ‘How not to end a long term relationship’

I have lived here alone for around 15 months. Hubby moved out permanently just before Christmas 2014 and my son in around February of 2015. The latter is now happily living with his girlfriend. Hubby is living with his girlfriend in what he would have me believe is some kind of landlady / lodger arrangement. I am not convinced. I applied to the local council for the reduction in local taxes that you can get if a single person lives in a property. I heard nothing, so applied again. It seems that he remains on the electoral register and that is how they judge entitlement. But changes to the way the electoral register is run mean that an individual have to move their own address for this purpose. He has not done so because his lady friend claims the reduction. I could drop them both in the s**t but don’t really want to be that vindictive. So I pay full rate council tax.

I have asked him to pack his remaining clothes and he agreed he would but was informed he has no where to put his things at her place! That was several weeks ago. I asked him to stop turning up every day, but was told that her shower is broken and he doesn’t like to take a bath (the last part is true, but not my problem).

Yesterday I saw him as I was home early. We chatted about recent events pretty easily. I told him that my aunt was over from New Zealand and that I was planning to take my mum and aunt to visit other family soon. All was calm and relaxed as we talked about other times Gwen has visited. But later, he texted me to say he was sad that he was  no longer part of the family that the visit wasn’t open to him. He soon began to wallow in the usual self pity.

This morning I was snooping around a box of his stuff that is sitting on my son’s bed. Hubby’s stuff. I found a piece of paper with some names and phone numbers written on it. Names and phone numbers of people that could only have been taken from my phone in 2012-13 when things were coming to a head and before I had proper password protection. For some reason this discovery brought me to my senses.

This morning I had my appraisal at work. I discussed my job, the things I have done well and could do better and my thoughts around my next (and probably final job). Sitting at my desk afterwards I realised that this is my opportunity to make the changes I need in both work and personally. Time for some real action. I felt and feel fired up.

So, this weekend I am going to pack his clothes up into bags. That is the first step.

Then next week I will give him a clear time table for the final changes to be made – his leaving for good, his agreement on the house sale etc.

Over the coming weeks Master and I will (I have no doubt) discuss my future career move and how I handle that. In my marriage I have to overcome my preference for being submissive and for not wanting to make decisions and to take control. With Master’s support I know that I can and that I must.

L is for……

Limits, love and lust. 


When I first started in this whole D/s, BDSM world and chatted to a few guys online they were always interested in your limits. To begin with, I had little idea of what they either were or ought to be and had to read around the subject. I distinctly remember ‘chatting’ with one individual who declared I would be wearing a diaper (nappy in this country), I cut him short and left the conversation. Yep, I thought a limit. When I met S we had a conversation about what we did and didn’t want / intend to do, but I was always free to say no. I never actually did since, despite being tied naked to a tree and fucked on a picnic table, he never asked me to do anything that I considered to be a limit.

With Master, the relationship started off in the same way, limits were discussed in a chat room and, he was always careful to test out I was happy with things. We were playing or else having sex. He discovered my exhibitionist tendencies and pushed those, but I was never unhappy with what he suggested and have never called red. I became his slave during that first summer and then last year received his collar and this caused me to think. I trust this man, he has my submission, I have agreed that he is my owner and so as part of this he should have my limits. He didn’t demand them, I offered them and he grabbed them from me. Of course, I am a human and I have consented to this whole thing, so I can take anything away that was given. But I can’t see that happening. The limits are defined by him and that is how we live our life. He loves the power he feels owning both me and my limits and I in turn love that I no longer have to worry about this kind of thing. Now if he asked me to wear a diaper, things might change!

Love and Lust

I was with the same man for nearly 30 years and so, when it came to getting involved with new people it was difficult to know quite what to expect. What I experienced in the first instance in both relationships I think was lust. I discovered a much more sexual person in myself than I even knew I was and often became overwhelmed with lustful endorphins. Both times I faced, or in Master’s case perceived the end of the relationship, and my reactions made me think I must be in love. With S, this came as a surprise, since he had pushed back quite a bit on the feelings side of things, plus there were things about him which rang alarm bells in me. It told myself that this was about the kinky sex, but when he ended it one hot July day having earlier tied me to a tree in the woods, I was devastated. Later I confirmed to myself that it had been lust. But also my reaction was about the possibility of returning to my former self, a feeling of loss. When the real end of that relationship came, the break was easy.

With Master things were different, it was never meant to be about love. It was supposed to be an opportunity for me to learn about my submission while he bided his time until his real submissive was with him. When he reaffirmed that understanding to me several months later, I felt bereft. I imagined myself as unlovable, pictured myself alone without the man I so obviously loved. That isn’t to say we didn’t lust after each other because we did and still do. But there is more to this, a deeper understanding a way of communicating that I sadly never experienced before. Nor, I think did he. This really is love.

Which makes me go back to my marriage. There was some lust at the beginning, but I really can’t remember when I hungered for him in the way I do for Master. I loved him and still do in a strange way – partly due to his neediness which drove me mad and attracted me.

It may be scary to think that these 3 relationships are pretty much it in terms of sexual encounters. There have been a couple more, but neither feel significant now. But for me, for now I don’t feel I have lost out since I know that what I have now is something I want to keep hold of.

 

Updating on things

The past couple of weeks were a little troublesome.  There is a need to get on with things relating to the past relationship and in selling the house. After this post, a conversation then meeting with my son took place and he made it clear that he felt closure was needed. The idea of being given life and relationship advice by a 25 year old was to say the least interesting. But I did take it on board. Funnily enough this has coincided with some of the challenging interactions with Master and of course they are likely as not linked.

There are some things to be done in the house before it can be sold and these started this week. It could be 7 or 8 years since we replaced the bathroom, but until this weekend the bath had no side panel. According to my mum it one of the things that my dad used to complain about, when they visited, directly linked in his mind to the lack of effort my ex put in to looking after the house. He was right, hubby didn’t do those simple things, in this case because cutting around a few pipes was difficult. On Saturday we went to the hardware store, bought what was needed and he cut out the bits that were necessary. It looks amazing and I feel stupid that this wasn’t done before.
Next Friday I am meeting the ex to discuss time frames for selling the house. The need to get on with things grows in me. I want to sell up and start the next episode of my life.
Master and his girl discussed the arguments that have taken place over recent weeks and agreed that these are trivial and unnecessary.
We had a mostly relaxing time but that time was interspersed with time where this girl wore her bitch collar, was without underwear and at times was naked. There were a lot of orgasms and there was some pretty good sex.
More importantly though, there was time for submission. For a reaffirmation of what was important in this relationship.
We are moving towards a 24/7 dynamic and over the coming months while things are sorted here, we will confirm what that looks and feels like.
Today we went out with my family for my brothers birthday, it was happy and fun. All in all right now this slave is one happy slave. As for the week ahead, mindfulness is needed to make sure that the arguments of the past weeks are behind us and we are moving ahead to our goal.

Some things feel too hard

On a couple of occasions recently it has occured to me that I really should try harder at getting myself properly separated from the man who is still legally my husband. The first was while we were in Amsterdam and I was challenged by the friend we were staying with about my living arrangements. This was fairly near the start of the evening, before we had drunk too much wine. Much of what was discussed later has become something of a blur, but I do know that the discussion about my house and about my ex was no less honest and open than the rest of our conversations. I remember admitting how difficult I am finding it to give up the house. This is something of a revelation, since (and I admitted this), there was a time that I didn’t actually like it here. It turns out that dislike was about some of the less pleasant memories associated with it, plus the man I was living with. Now I fully admit I am struggling to give it up. The second occasion was over the weekend when I was writing my kink of the week post about being kidnapped and / or held captive. As I wrote, and the post emerged from my keyboard, I discovered the truth (well perhaps uncovered it) that if Master were to take me away from here and trap me at his place (or anywhere else), then I wouldn’t have to deal with the difficult stuff.

But of course these things do need to be dealt with. It is impossible to pretend otherwise, in my case for much longer.
There are some very odd things about my husband’s behaviour right now which need to stop and the only way to make that happen is for me to say and do something. He has not spent a night in the house for over a year, to my knowledge anyway. At weekends he definitely keeps away, and I can comfortably wander around naked, have Master to stay, and do anything else we care to do without fear of him walking in. During the working week though, that is not the case. Every morning he leaves the place he currently lives with another woman and on the way to work he walks into this house, stays (mostly) downstairs and then leaves an hour or two later. I don’t usually see him as this is early and I am sleeping. This morning though I woke early, got up to the toilet and discovered that he was already downstairs (I saw his car when I looked out of the window) at 4am.
In the evening he comes here on the way home from work, takes a shower and shaves. I admit, that I have continued to provide him with shower gel, shampoo, shaving gel etc to use. Generally I don’t see him as I arrive home when he has left.
Why though do I continue to allow these things to happen? He pays nothing towards the upkeep of the house, save the occasional contribution towards the mortgage and the annual  TV license and satellite TV he has continued to pay. Many of his belongings remain here and there has been no separation of possessions of any kind.
Why?
Because it feels just too hard.
But, other things felt hard too and I managed to get past that feeling and move on.
I am writing this now, while I need to be reminded of that way I feel at the moment – tired because I haven’t slept enough and irritated at both him and myself because I have not dealt with something I have spent months saying I must do.
This feels hard, but really it isn’t too hard and it has to be done. There, I have said it. Now Julie, get on and do it!