Meltdown

The evening started well enough. The first time hubby and I had spent any time together for a week or so. Dinner was cooking, and we sat down to have a drink together. We talked about family issues, of which there are a number right now. We got onto the subject of his parents, and I commented (once again) that he needed to talk to them about our relationship, particularly given that our wedding anniversary approaches – one we won’t be celebrating. It was then that hubby articulated that he thought we would at least spend the evening together on that day, have dinner, after all it will be 30 years. I told him I will be away, out of the country.

The next couple of hours are a stress filled blur. Voices (mine) were raised, unkind things were said by us both and we both lashed out at each other. His was more about throwing my laptop and standing over me, squaring up. Mine was about me actually physically lashing out as he appeared to try to grab me. Then there were tears, lots and lots of tears.

I have not cried about that relationship at all, and I sat on my own, upstairs wondering why now? I desperately wanted to speak to Sir, but he was preparing to leave today. We exchanged a few texts and I told him a little of things with hubby. I didn’t tell him I was in full meltdown. Particularly when the realisation dawned that the whole hubby thing happened when it did for a reason. The tears were not for hubby and for our relationship as it dies. The tears were because suddenly I felt alone, with no one to turn to.

In fact a couple more texts from Sir cheered me up and I pulled myself together. The hubby thing is far from resolved, and Sir still leaves today. But I slept quite well and when I was in that half sleep half wakeful time I was able to regain that feeling of calmness I have had recently. Regain the feeling of submission, remember the piercings, remember that I am marked by Sir’s pen.

Ok, so he hasn’t actually left these shores yet, and he did help me out with the texts, but there was no conversation in person.

I think I can cope, I can remember even when the going gets tough. This time is going to be a test, I am going to think things I don’t want to think, but I will get through it.

I am this girl. Sir’s girl.

Truth and lies

I am not by nature someone who tells lies, though as a not very popular child at school I told some quite big ones to try to get people to like me, but that is another story entirely. As an adult, I have usually tried be true to myself and true to others. I don’t lie.

Over the last 18 months or so though, I have told many many lies.

I have lied to hubby, something well documented here and I have lied to others. Usually about where I have been and who with.

Around last November, also well documented here, I began to tell the truth. To hubby firstly and most painfully. Then to members of my family, to friends and to my son. Well I say I told the truth, because to each one I have told a version of the truth, one that I have decided best suits who they are and what they need to know.

Now, once again I am telling lies. In July when S and I parted I told hubby what had happened. The months and months of verbal abuse I endured from him, stopped. So when a month later, S and I got together again, I lied by omission. For some weeks this has not been a problem, since hubby has not been here. Until Tuesday night, we had not spent one evening or night under the same roof since the end of July. On Tuesday he came home, and he stayed home for 3 nights. He might have come home on Monday, but I was not here.

I told him I was going to a conference on Tuesday and to make things easy, travel wise, I was going to a hotel on Monday night. I did go to a hotel, but there was not conference. On Tuesday I was at work as usual. On Monday evening hubby was busy searching my wardrobe to see what was missing. He discovered that some shoes I didn’t know he had ever seen, were gone. Therefore he accused me of lying. Accused me of being with someone. Of being with S.

I have maintained my story and told him that I threw the shoes out. He and I know this is a lie. But I refuse to back down.

I don’t like to lie to him. But actually I don’t feel that we have the kind of relationship any more where he deserves the truth.

I don’t love this man as a wife loves her husband. He is no longer my lover and right now he is not really a friend either.

We are heading now towards the inevitable. I have suggested counselling, but he quite rightly says this will not make me love him when I say I don’t.

I pursue my own happiness, but know that in the process I am causing distress and sadness.

I long to tell the truth and be happy about it. I hope soon it becomes a reality and there are no more lies.

Will today define the future?

Hubby has been away. He has been out of the country, away to a sunny place, with a male friend. He went, he said to think, to clear his head and to decide. He has been away now for 11 days and has been in contact through texts twice. In the most recent one on Friday, he still seemed as angry as when he left.

I have been busy, both in terms of spending time with Sir, but also in doing other things – catching up with friends, going out and about, taking my son back to college and doing some de-cluttering. I have tried not to spend time thinking deeply about him and about what will happen next. Indeed whole days have gone by when I haven’t really considered him at all. Yesterday I went on my second meet up event, this time to the Victoria and Albert Museum in London for a cultural treasure hunt. I was in a team of 4 other women, all, I think in their 30’s. We had a great time, got on well together and won! We celebrated with a lovely Lebanese meal, before some of the others went on to a night out and I came home. Through these groups I am learning to explore life outside of the relationship I have with hubby, outside of family and current friends and outside of the safety net of 30 years. I am finding it interesting and enjoyable.

There are times when I sit here and feel that I have been unfair on Hubby, after all for years he did nothing that was particularly wrong and I have repaid him by having an affair. Not only have I had sex with another man, the sex has been kinky and I have told him I will not give it up. But this marriage has been something of a sham for years. OK so we have looked happy and for a lot of the time we have been reasonably so. But scratch the surface of our relationship and you would have found uneasiness, often unhappiness and frustration (mainly on my part). I have discovered that a breach of trust committed 20 years ago and brushed under the carper cannot be forgiven as easily as I thought.

This 11 days has shown me that I can go it alone. I can manage by myself and not only survive but laugh and love, and I can be happy.

I know there is a lot of heartache to come, but even if he is no clearer about what he wants, I think I am.

Last night on the train coming home, I remembered something that I had said to a friend very soon after I was married. Something that should have warned me. I told her that I had been in love with getting married, in love with the day, but that now, here I was married, I didn’t know if I was really in love with my husband. And, though I fought hard for him when I thought I might lose him to another woman 20 years about, I wonder if I ever truly was.

Weekend break – Part Two – The two of us

Our trip away involved us travelling to a medieval town north of where we both live (further north for Him). The town has a castle and nearby are lots of interesting cultural and historical places as well as some very nice countryside. We were blessed with the first reasonably warm weather of the year (spring has arrived very late here in the UK). Our small hotel / pub was 400 years old and was quite quaint and as Sir called it ‘quirky’. We had a four poster bed, however after the events of Part One, we didn’t actually use it for our intended purpose (which might have involved handcuffs of some kind of other thing you could be tied up with).  The room was spacious though and really very pleasant.

After our friends left, we changed and had dinner in the pub restaurant (it was 7.30 by then) and then went for a walk to get some fresh air and to have a look around the town. Later we cuddled up together in bed and slept. It would be true to say that the events of Friday wore us out, but after a good nights sleep and some lovely sex first thing in the morning we were ready for breakfast and the castle.

We are both interested in history and like to walk and explore places. Luckily we were staying within walking distance of the castle and arrived pretty much as the place opened. The castle staff were recruiting suitably strong and healthy people to be involved in firing the castle’s trebuchet and being the keen and eager big kid person Sir is he of course volunteered. After he and the other keen men had received some training in how to run round like a hamster and some health and safety information about how in an extreme case death could result, they put on a very fetching red tabard kind of thing and a hat and were ready. The friends and family’s of the volunteers left to watch at a safe distance and this is the kind of thing that happened.

The rest of the day we spent watching eagles and other birds of prey flying round, climbing up steps to battlements, looking around the castle, eating a picnic, going for a walk in the grounds and finding a quiet place where Sir could instruct me to suck his cock (well did you think we could be completely vanilla?). Back at the hotel, we retired to the four poster for some very satisfying sex and a short rest before we headed off to town for a lovely Thai meal.
Sunday we went off to a nearby town where a famous playwright and poet lived many years ago, we spent the morning strolling around, drinking coffee and eating scones, cream and jam. Sir worked this off by rowing me up and then down the river, which was all very pleasant indeed. We finished off with a picnic in the park before beginning our journey home.
So, it was a weekend of two halves; kinky and just plain wonderful. Sex and culture, history and kink, good food and very good and welcome turkish delight (produced at a very opportune moment during our kinky play). I could get a taste for all of this!

 

Weekend Break – Part one – The four of us!

At last i have something to write about;  something kinky, something fun and a lovely lovely time. Sir and i have been away for a weekend away. We had 2 whole nights and the best part of 3 days together,  a real treat.  After the trials and difficulties of the past few months being able to go to a place neither of us had been and to do things together that neither of us had done before was very special.

For the last couple of months we have been discussing the possibility of getting together with another couple for a kinky, D/s session. On Friday, the planning and the chats i in particular have had with the other sub lady came together. We met in a small hotel bar, and after a couple of drinks and a chat we headed up to a room and, well got it together.

Sir and i have discussed this kind of fantasy for a long time. But discussing and doing is a whole other thing. An exciting, but scary prospect. Finding the right couple seemed to happen by accident when Sir got chatting to the sub on a chatline. She and i spent lots of time getting to know each other online and by text, until we felt we were both ready. On the day, it was the women who were nervous, but trusting our men, we decided to give it a go and i am really glad we did.

It would be true to say that my fantasies have usually involved 2 men rather than another couple as such. i have never before experimented with girl on girl sex and am completely heterosexual. But BDSM for me has always been about pushing boundaries, about trusting my Dom to push my limits while protecting me. My boundaries are now pushed further than i would ever have imagined and do you know what? It was exciting, thrilling and massively arousing.

To be given oral by another woman, while sucking her partner and at the same time receiving anal sex from Sir was the most amazing thing that has happened to me. i struggle to find the words to express how it all felt. Then there was the experience of kissing another woman, touching her and giving her oral. Knowing that Sir found seeing me do these things amazingly erotic and a massive turn on was all i needed. It was the first time either of us had been in the same room as another couple having sex and the first time any of us had experienced anything quite like this. As one point the men discussed that this was the kind of thing that takes place in a video on the Internet. Until then we thought it was.

What a start to a weekend break!

What I wanted?

Since discovering my blog, hubby has undergone a further change in attitude towards me. i have to admit that in coming clean and telling him about Sir and i back in November, i gave little thought to anything other than letting go of the secrets i held. Since then, it seems to him that every month or so there has been a new revelation. First he discovered an affair, then a D/s relationship and now he has read a small element of that relationship displayed on a blog. As far as he is concerned, he remembers everything i have told him since November, everything i have done and he remembers everything he read on my blog last week. When i challenge any of this, he tells me that this is what i wanted, and therefore this is what i have got.

The truth of the matter from my point of view is that i have hurt him so much more than i ever felt possible. He is now a very confused man who is in great pain for much of the time. He deals with this by physically avoiding me for most of the time, but keeps his element of control through regular texts. These give me instructions about the things he wants me to do (tasks about ordinary life and sexually explicit things he wants me to do to be ready for him). i find myself doing many of the vanilla things without question, but then challenging myself, since this attitude towards me is one of the reasons i find myself where i am now. As to the sexual requests, well on one hand i want to fulfill them. i want to have sex with him, but at the same time there tends to be a large amount of emotional blackmail attached. Also i wonder exactly what it is he wants from me and indeed what exactly i want from him.
He is now obsessed with my relationship with Sir. He is obsessed with the things we do together and deeply hurt that those things happen with Sir and not him. At the same time he feels he has nothing to offer me, he feels there is nothing he can give me that is as good as i get from Sir. for him this is about sex and nothing else.
The state of our relationship is now forgotten by him. He fails to see that the relationship as a whole needs to be in tact for a good lovelife to occur and that good sex contributes to a stable, loving relationship. He says he loves me and wants to fuck me. But when he sees me, he spends his time telling me that he is not good enough for me and then expects us to go to bed together. He thinks that us seeing each other just a couple of times a week is like a date. But then when we have spent that time together failing to agree on anything it feels like the date from hell for us both.
He is planning a trip away to a warm and sunny place for a week with friends. i know this will do him good, and hope he will come back rested. i just don’t know if it will help in any way.
After 20 years i still remember the pain hubby caused me when he cheated on me. Yet i have done something very similar to him. Is this what i wanted?
Of course not. i just wanted to find happiness. On one hand i have found this, but on the other i have caused great pain and sadness and for that i am really sorry.
Trouble is, would i change what i have with Sir?
That really is the million dollar question!

A favourite Recipe and other stuff

First of all, back to the 30 day thing. I envisaged I would rush through these, but since the 30 days of submission took me ages, I can’t imagine why! Next on the list is a Favourite recipe.

I love to cook, but prefer to cook for a person or people who appreciate the time and effort that goes in. Sometimes though you need to be able to prepare something tasty, and kind of special but you either have little time, or energy or maybe both.
A couple of Christmas’s ago I asked my son for the Jamie Oliver 30 minute recipe book and it has been a great addition to my library. I have to say that the recipes take longer than 30 minutes. Perhaps if you are Jamie and you have people to put all the ingredients into bowls etc you can do so. But as far as I am concerned a bit more time to cook a good meal is worth it.
This recipe introduced my son to the joys of Thai food. Since then he has travelled and tried lots of cuisine. I have also cooked it for the wider family. It goes down well.
The ingredients are:

  • 2 stalks of lemongrass
  • 1 fresh red chilli
  • 2 cloves of garlic
  • Optional: 4 kaffir lime leaves
  • A bunch of fresh coriander
  • 2 jarred red peppers in oil
  • 1 heaped tsp tomato puree
  • 1tbsp fish sauce
  • 2tbsp soy sauce
  • 1tsp sesame oil
  • 2cm (¾in) piece of fresh ginger
  • 8 large unpeeled raw tiger prawns
  • 200g (7oz) sugar snap peas
  • 220g (7½oz) small cooked prawns
  • 1 x 400g tin of coconut milk
  • 2 limes, to serve
  • 1 bag of prawn crackers, to serve
Put a frying pan on a medium heat. Trim the ends and tough outer leaves of the lemongrass stalks, bash up the stalks with the side of a knife, then put into a food processor with 1 fresh red chilli (stalk removed), 2 peeled cloves of garlic, 4 lime leaves, a bunch of coriander, 2 jarred red peppers, 1 heaped tsp tomato purée, 1tbsp fish sauce, 2tbsp soy sauce and 1tsp sesame oil. Peel and add 2cm (¾in) fresh ginger.
Blitz to a paste – you might need to stop and use a spatula to scrape down the sides so it all gets whizzed up. Drizzle some olive oil into the hot frying pan and add the unpeeled raw tiger prawns. Fry for around 1 minute, then add 1tbsp of the curry paste and fry for 1 more minute.
Tip into an ovenproof dish and put into the oven on the top shelf for about 8 to 10 minutes. Put the pan you cooked the prawns in back over a medium heat.
Drizzle in a little olive oil, then add the sugar snap peas, then the small prawns. Spoon in the rest of the curry paste, and stir and fry for a minute or two before adding the coconut milk. Stir as it melts down, then leave to simmer on a medium to low heat.

The recipe also includes jasmine rice and a cucumber salad (which I have made) and a papayer platter (which I have).

You can find the full recipe here 
Thanks everyone for the comments on my last couple of posts. I was really worried when on Thursday, I discovered hubby had read my blog. Thursday  was a difficult enough day, since it was my last day at work and discovering my carelessness was really all I needed. My hunch was right though. He read just the page that was showing to view and read no further. While he was upset at seeing the content in black and white in front of him, he said he had suspected the kinds of things I was doing with Sir. He was also jealous that I am not in that kind of relationship with him.
We have tried to talk things through, but he is struggling with everything he has now discovered and he doesn’t know what he wants. On one hand he still loves and cares for me, on the other he finds my need to have my needs met elsewhere a struggle. I in turn am unable to fully articulate why that is.
He continues to spend most of his time away from home and, given that I have more time on my hands I am in the process of looking at new activities that I can fill my time with. I don’t know what will happen in the future, but for now the blog stays and it stays open to all.
I have nothing to hide from him any more.

Got to decide what to do

Yesterday hubby found my blog. Once again, I was careless. This time I left my history on my iPad and he looked at it and found his way here. As soon as I realised what had happened, and to prevent him from reading more than he had, I stopped it being read by anyone but me and Sir. Hubby is currently away and unlikely to be near a computer. I have opened it up again for the time being, but am considering making it invite only for a while. Another alternative might be to move and rename it. Or more radically to stop writing for a while.

Bear with me while I give it some thought.

Relationships #2

I previously wrote about the relationship that I have with hubby and how I found myself wanting to explore life outside my marriage here. I didn’t actually know that I would be interested in BDSM at all, but I know I was curious and had been for years. Occasionally on tv there is a programme which gives a hint of this kind of lifestyle. Sometimes they edge more towards the factual, showing something of the power dynamic, of the kind of sex that might be involved. Or more usually they depict a version of reality, wrapped up in crime fiction and as I now know, are give just a vague acknowledgement to reality. But about a year ago, I began to read. Firstly I looked at websites – those offering information and forums, then at blogs. At the same time I began to chat online, something I have done before. This time though I attracted perhaps a different type of man. And I found it quite a thrill.

I have kind of , actually chatted online quite a bit and have also met a couple of men before. Chatting and then meeting Sir was different though. This is the first time I have met someone with the intention of having sex and what is more, knowing that the sex we had would be perhaps a little different. I knew with Sir that I was starting something very different, that there would be a power dynamic and that He would be pushing my limits. I was nervous but I had my eyes firmly open. I really wanted this.

I think know that hubby would like to do some of the things with me that I do with Sir. He would like to spank (he has spanked me a bit actually), and he loves  me to dress up. He definitely would like to explore anal, though we never discussed this until he had found my butt plug. The problem though is that I have discovered that I want to be submissive in a relationship and at best hubby is a switch. He struggles to be dominant and definitely couldn’t be dominant consistently. I don’t want to discuss limits with him, I don’t want to let him into this world that I am exploring.

This week he has stated that: ‘you are meant to be my wife’. Yes this is true, I am meant to be his wife, and as such I guess he and the rest of society expects me to act differently. Yet when he starts to tell me what I am doing wrong, how I am treating him as the dumb one, the one who sits patiently at home (not that he does). I go into submissive mode, but not in a good way. I begin to feel like I want to run away, or to curl up in a corner. I do not feel empowered and I definitely don’t want to tell him my innermost thoughts.

His way of coping with all of this is to ponder on the sexual. To worry that he is not good enough in bed. To want me to dress up for him to give myself to him. But then, to inform me that I am just there to satisfy his desires briefly before he moves on. For a reason that escapes me, I dress up for him, we have sex and then I feel cheap.

So while Sir can make me dress as He wants, can humiliate me in public. He turns me on. I feel empowered somehow and certainly not cheap.

There is no turning back from this.

I know where this is going.

I don’t take it lightly.

But I am kind of ready to face reality.

I collected my son for the Easter holidays this afternoon. Usually his dad and I would have done this together, but dad is absent. I told son that things are not going well between me and his dad. He said he picked that up at Christmas, he asked if his dad is having a mid life crisis. I told him, that it is probably me that is having one, but didn’t quite come clean. I know that it won’t be long before I have to say more. I am prepared to say what I need to.

Time to unwind – Journey to pleasure

We have both being going through some stressful times and yesterday presented a chance to spend time together and try to unwind a bit. It also presented the opportunity for a trip by train; no traffic to navigate and lots of nice countryside to observe (plus bits of London etc).

Monday night proved difficult at home, hubby, who has been spending most of his time away, returned. I suppose it was something to do with laying claim to me before I went off to stay with Sir. The result was unpleasant and painful for us both. The relationship we once had, while not the best, seems to be slipping away, to be replaced with unpleasantness and bitterness.

I left home early and took a commuter train to London, managing to get a seat even though it was quite crowded. This was just as well; i was dressed ready to please Sir and that meant a short dress, stockings and suspenders and heels. I walked the short but slightly painful distance to where the trains to Sir’s were. Perhaps I should wear heels more and then they wouldn’t be so uncomfortable, or maybe my feet just don’t suit them. Anyway I told myself, no pain, no gain!

Having grabbed a hot drink in a coffee shop at the station i made my way to the platform and another crowded train. Thankfully after 2 or 3 stops the crowds thinned and I was able to spread out my belongings and apply my makeup; get myself ready for Him. As the miles passed I began to unwind a little, though this wasn’t helped by some constant and not so pleasant texts from hubby. Things have become complicated, because hubby thinks my relationship with Sir will spice up our marriage, but for me it is having something of a negative effect (but i will save that discussion for another day).

At last I arrived at my last train change point and travelled that last half an hour with Sir. Again the carriage started off full, but passengers got off at the next two stops giving me the chance to give Sir a look at His bare, pussy. He made me gasp as he felt my clit for the first time in about a month, within minutes bringing me close to an orgasm. Sadly there was no chance for more naughtiness since a young man got on the train and sat close by. But it gave us both a taste of what was to come.

Which was definitely pleasure with some rest and recuperation thrown in. For both of us.