It wasn’t always so

For my second masturbation Monday post I am going to reveal something of my life before kink. Not only have I lived in a semi sexless marriage for many years, but I was also late to the pleasures of masturbation.

I am not sure when I began to realise that my life was lacking, that the sex life I ‘enjoyed’ was not as it should be. I am also not sure when it was that I realised that I could give myself some of the pleasure that I didn’t receive within that relationship.

As a teenager I remember being told that touching yourself was not a good thing. Given that the relationship with my mum was pretty volatile, I wonder why I actually listened to this advice. After all, I ignored much of what she told me. My first serious relationship was with hubby, I was only 15 when we started seeing each other. We did masturbate each other long before penetrative sex took place, but in hindsight this involved me touching him and me humping his leg rather than he touching me in any significant way.

Fast forward into my 20’s and as a young married woman I began to read a little about sex, I bought the Joy of Sex and it led me to start to explore my own body as well as hubby’s. Its a shame that I didn’t explore other reading material at that time. Our lives began to diverge when, around the time of the birth of my son in 1991 he had an affair with another woman. Overnight, whatever else happened, my instinct was to turn away from him in bed. Instead, I began to explore my own body. With my fingers yes and through the writing of erotic stories, in long hand. I started to pay with my body late at night and even remember waking to find I was having an orgasm. Since there was no internet and I didn’t even know that published erotica existed outside of playboy etc and of course only men bought them, the only thing to do was to create your own reality.

Around this time I discovered Ann Summers, a UK lingerie shop which also sells sex toys. I bought a couple of vibrators – one a butterfly vibrator and another some kind of dildo. Using these toys I began to realise exactly what was missing from my life. For the first time I began to regularly bring myself to orgasm. The purchase of our first home computer was the thing though that helped me develop my knowledge, about my own body and about what I might have missed out on. I found the site clitical.com and from there started on a major voyage of discovery. Reading the experience of others and realising that masturbation wasn’t just something you did to yourself made me curious about what I really had missed out on. Often when I was alone in the house, I would strip naked and explore my body with my fingers, I used ice on myself and I used toys to bring myself off. I found my own G spot and found stimulating my own nipples aroused me.

I longed for someone to touch me in the places I touched myself, but was turned off when it was hubby who offered to do so. Something inside me prevented me from opening up to him, prevented me from wanting him in the way that I want my Master now. It was then that I realised that the marriage was something of a sham.

Over the past 2 or 3 years I have learned so much more about myself and my body than I probably had in the previous 20 or more. Encouraged first by S and now by Master I am not frightened to touch and be touched, indeed I love it. Master loves to watch me as I stroke the body that He now owns. To see the effect of the piercings on my level of arousal. And, when I am alone, and I touch that same body it is Him I think about and for him that I masturbate at all. If an orgasm happens as a result of all of that touching then it belongs to Him. I might have arrived late to this table, but given my life right now, I have no regrets.

 

What has changed? Everything actually.

In my last post I described my frustrations at what feels like my inability to take that final step to rid ex-hubby from the house and my life. Of course, he will always be around to some extent, we have a son and of course there is the small matter of the house and the divorce.

This morning I have taken one further step and have cleared his remaining things from the bedside cabinet. Next week I will ask him to start to clear out the wardrobe and drawers. It seems that what he has left behind are things he rarely if ever needs / wants so hopefully it will be a case of putting things into bags and taking them with him or sending them to a charity shop or something.

This morning Master and I have been enjoying parts 2 and 3 of a session that began last night and which I will blog about later. But during my more lucid moments I was struck by the thought that actually everything in my life is different to how it was. Different in a very good way.

I have gone from being a woman who gave herself plenty of orgasms, but craved a loving sexual relationship to go with it. That woman felt unfulfilled despite a successful career and being a wife of getting on for 30 years and the mother of a bright and popular young man. That woman felt something was missing.

The person I am now is still that woman, but she is happier than she has probably ever been. I now know who and what I am, a sexy and erotic woman who just happens to have discovered the slave side she didn’t know about. At last I am fulfilled. I still get to enjoy plenty of orgasms, since although they no longer belong to me, Master loves to take them from me. I am no longer frightened of any aspect of sex, and enjoy doing things I previously avoided (such as cock sucking). I have discovered my inner anal slut and find that I am not embarrassed to watch Him masturbate or He to watch me. My inhibitions, built up over many years have tumbled down.

So when I get frustrated and upset that I am not getting to the end point with my ex that I feel I should, I need to remember just how far I have come and how happy I really am.

Balance and control

I know that things have been pretty quiet around here lately. Somehow, the combination of work, caring responsibilities and spending time with Master have meant that I have had less time to blog. Usually, the construction of my posts are either planned out in my head for several hours or even days, or else are bashed out quickly. Sometimes though, it is difficult to find the headspace and equally hard to find spare time to actually type, proof read and post. It is not that I have a shortage of topics, so perhaps now is the time to stop the excuses and just write?

The main thing I am trying to get in my life, is a sense that it is under some kind of balance and control.

Control maybe seems a strange word to use, when I am Master’s slave. But actually it probably is a very good word. I am not in a position to hand over complete control to another person, supposing that person wanted such a thing. He doesn’t. But that doesn’t mean that in every other part of my life I need to take complete control.

In the past I would have sought to manage everything about my mum’s recent illness. In fact, doing that this time would have been more than any human could cope with. She was ill, but she was very demanding; often failing to recognise when it was appropriate to ring hourly and when it wasn’t. At the same time there was information to try to gain from the medical staff, shopping to buy to make her life more comfortable and things to manage at her house. My brothers made it clear that I wasn’t expected to cope with everything and I had the added support from Master, who kept reminding me that I needed time for myself and time to spend with him.

Then there is the ongoing relationship with soon to be ex-hubby. I put the final break-up on hold while coping with my dad’s death and it’s aftermath. But now I am ready to move on and am struggling to get him to agree to what needs to be done. This is despite the fact we see little of each other and that we no longer live as man and wife in any way. Thank goodness for Master’s advice and support and for his thoughts on how I should manage individual problems and situations.

For the first time in my adult life I am learning how to not only consult properly with a partner, but realising that I can strike a balance. When I need to make decisions, I can do so with help and support, full in the knowledge that I am not a weak person for doing so. What is more, giving up complete control when I am with Master, allows me to be strong enough to be the person I need to be when I am not with him.

He is not always there, but somehow his influence always is.

Am I the only one who didn’t see?

Today I had lunch with my sister in law, Well the ex wife of one of my brothers. Our son’s, cousins, are best friends and grew up together. We have more in common than we have differences in our lives these days, despite difficult times in the past. She told me that I look well, happy and like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. This is interesting, since this week has been a struggle. I am tired, have been very very down. Plagued with hot flushes, and mood swings, this has been a difficult week and it is only Wednesday.

She told me that she wondered how I have remained in this marriage for so long. She told me that I deserve to be happy.

Last week, on her birthday my mum asked me not to bring hubby to her small gathering. She told my brother that he has made her daughter unhappy for years and she didn’t want him there for her birthday.

I have heard a number of stories now, that he hit on other people as well as the affair he had early on in our marriage. The relationship he has now, which he says is platonic, has gone on longer than he originally admitted. To think that I spent so long worrying about my infidelity currently seems crazy.

Time after time, I hear that people are pleased I have made this change. That they can see I am now happy, where as for years I was not.

For years, I was pretty miserable. I thought no one saw. I never reached out because I thought it was a burden I should carry alone. I thought no one would understand.

For all the sadness I have felt this week, I sense I am close to happiness. I see my freedom within a hare’s breath.

I feel sad now that I waited so long. But then again, since I didn’t actually know what I needed, I am not sure I should feel that way.

Still, why did no one say any of the things they say now?

No more

Yesterday I had a bad day and the origins of it can be found in the amount of sleep I had. Every weekend I am able to unwind, to relax and to sleep. When I am with Master, I am able to do those things to a greater extent. He is a man who likes His sleep, likes nothing more than to stay in bed late and I am coming to enjoy that too. But part of the reason for this (other than being close to Him), is that I am seriously sleep deprived all week. Master and many people who visit this place know that is the case, and the reasons for it. He and they have given me the benefit of their wisdom on this matter. But until now, I have been unable, unwilling even to face it. But this must stop.

Yesterday started badly and other things which happened through the day just made it worse. Things that I should have been able to manage, things I should have been able to just ignore. But the original cause was a restless night knowing hubby would turn up and then the usual 4.30am early call. A late night on Sunday meant I did manage to get back to sleep briefly, but to be frank, none of my sleep had been of a good quality.

Last night I went to bed early and slept well. Until 4.30am when hubby walked in. This morning though there has been no more sleep. He apologised for waking me and of course I said it was ok. BUT, it was NOT ok.

Another conversation is needed and a change is required. This behaviour cannot go on. I refuse to go through another week where I am woken like this. I refuse to have that man invading what is now my personal space, to do something which obviously makes him feel better. Time for yet more action.

Difficult conversations

Right now, my life if full of them.

Last week I had to deal with hubby’s inability to move forward with what needs to happen to end our relationship. As I feel stronger and more secure in myself (and right now, I do),  I see it is the perfect time to get certain things out in the open. Plus as summer draws on, there is a realisation, that if I don’t deal with things now, we will be in a new year before something happens.

Today, I took my parents out for lunch. Dad told me that every few days he feels just a little weaker, a little less able to do things. Today I noticed his difficulty in getting out of a chair after sitting a little too long. He told me about throwing an apple down the garden to frighten a cat (I know this isn’t kind, but it is dad) and watching the fruit plop down just a short distance away. This from a formerly strong man who bowled for a local cricket team. He told me he just stood and laughed, so amazed by his own lack of strength. Discussions also touched on what to do with his car after he dies (mum doesn’t drive), his life insurance and probate for his will. These conversations are difficult for us all, but we recognise that they need to happen. Dad observed that not everyone in the family is as willing as me to discuss these matters and the fact that we are able to is helping them both.

I have been a nurse for over 30 years and during that time I was a district nurse who cared for many patients at the ends of their lives. It is easy, as a member of the medical or nursing profession to think you know all about the process and the feelings that go with it. I find however that that is not the case. On some days I can use my experiences to help advise and support (especially when it comes to dealing with medical matters), but on others and increasingly it is difficult.

Of course these conversations are not unique to our family or indeed to me. Right now, though I am grateful to be able to have them. Not everyone does.

Reflecting on last night

It is hard to express how difficult I found it to take charge of a situation such as was necessary yesterday. Every aspect of the time spent out with hubby screamed at me as something I didn’t want to do. It isn’t that I didn’t want to face facts, to accept that I need to move things on. It was that I was made to act in a way that is increasingly becoming alien to me. Every day at work I handle situations that require me to take the lead, that is not an issue. Likewise there are family situations where I need to do the same. But when it comes to relationships, the acknowledgement that I am submissive makes it increasingly challenging to act as I did.

At the forefront of my mind now, it that I need, indeed am required to consider my Master and to think about whether he would approve of and be proud of my actions and behaviours. Last night was no exception.
Hubby continues to struggle with the whole idea that we cannot just live as we are – a kind of part time arrangement where 2 or 3 nights a week we spend time in the same house and even still the same bed. Meantime he lives elsewhere, with a woman he claims is just a friend. A friend who, it turns out he has been seeing for over 18 months and who he met through a trip organised by people I formerly worked with. Trips he took last year, claiming to be with male friends, were with her. But, they are just friends……..
There were tears (not mine), there was anger (not mine), there was pleading (not by me). I was calm and controlled. I retained my composure throughout. However, I wanted to walk away from the situation, I wanted to be allowed to cry, to seek reassurance. I didn’t because, at all times I was considering that I needed to do what I promised Master I would.
So we have agreement that we will work on the house and that work will be shared. Then we will put the house on the market and begin the process. Sadly I felt unable to say “by the way, can you move yourself and your belongings into the spare room and do it tonight”. But I have a plan about that for the near future.
This morning, hubby has texted to apologise (yet again) for the way he behaved. I suggested we keep talking about what we need to do.
Master is proud of how I am dealing with this situation and because I trust his judgement, I too am happy. I have some momentum now and I intend to keep it going.

On the cusp

Today feels really important.

Today is the day, I finally feel strong enough to do what needs to be done.

Today is the day I get together with hubby to sort out how we will end things – there are some practical things that need to be done in relation to the house, garden etc.)

This week members of my family have helped me see that it is time, and that has helped my resolve strengthen.

Plus I have the guidance and support of Master to spur me on. He wishes me to be composed in my actions.

I needed to record these things on this blog today, this is after all a journal of my journey.

A journey that started here 2 years and 4 months ago, but has it’s roots in the history of our marriage.

I know who I am, who I wish to be. There is no going back, and I am happy to walk forward into a new part of my life, whatever that brings with it.

Priorities

The text below was written yesterday morning, but haste to leave for work and the fact that this girl was feeling a little emotional, the ‘publish’ button didn’t get pressed.

I can’t deny I am struggling with making my marriage actually come to an end.

For the most part, he and I live in a state of avoidance and denial. He avoids me and we both deny the need to actually do anything. I have begun to clear things out, have created space in the spare room, have changed some of my behaviours but still it is ever present.

For all the time we spend apart. For all that is not said. We remain married to each other.

I need now to make that change.

The happiness I felt on Tuesday, was replaced with a sense of misery and doom last evening, knowing that for the first time in a week, hubby would be making an appearance today. He made his presence felt at whatever hour it was and he left me a note asking if I would do his washing. I have.

I have asked Master to help me work out what to do next. I really do need to do something. I can’t continue like this. In perpetual limbo.

Despite those feelings, this girl knew that Master prefers her to focus while at work, and she had a busy day ahead. With determination that took quite some effort, this girl did just that, and between 9 and around 4 a lot was achieved. But arriving back from a meeting, with another 2 hours in the office to go, this girl felt her resolve slipping away.

A few weeks ago, this girl had signed up to an after work corporate event that seemed like it would be fun. Mainly though, she did so because she assumed hubby would be home and it would mean an evening out of the house when he was in it. This however seems a poor reason to go to an event on her own with a great load of strangers. This girl sat thinking that the last thing she needed was to engage in meaningless small talk with people she didn’t want to be with.

This girl felt a little isolated at that point. There had been no word from Master, despite a text, email and the blog post above, she thought she had posted. She texted to tell him she felt alone.

He replied that he was sorry but that his jet lag had made him lethargic and he hadn’t really done anything today.

Instead of the corporate event, this girl went to her Master. She left her desk at the regular time of 5pm and by 6.30 she was with Him.

It was a pleasant, quiet evening just spent in each other’s company. Talking, just sitting, a little touching and kissing, dinner…..

This girl thinks that an evening with her Master was so much better for her than what had been planned and she hopes that an evening in her company helped Master feel a little more energised.

Tonight when she sees Him, she expects things will be a little different……

Vulnerability and emotions

I have rarely been the kind of person to show my vulnerable side, to let people see that I hurt. Indeed in recent years, even when falling apart inside, I rarely cried. People were more likely to see me display other emotions such as irritation or anger. Often people may have wrongly labelled me and definitely people have found me a little unapproachable, scary even.

Over the course of many years, I have built barriers around me. Scared that by showing my vulnerabilities people would see me as weak and unable to cope with the normal problems life throws at you.

Slowly though, with the help of friends and of my Master, those barriers, walls even are coming down. For someone not necessarily used to the feelings that accompany this, I am finding that I am more fearful than perhaps I was. Fearful of allowing my more vulnerable side to show when I don’t really want or need that to happen. In the past I rarely cried, I hardly ever felt close to tears, now it almost feels that they are just waiting there all of the time.

Yesterday morning, after an almost sleepless night – the knowledge hubby was about to reappear after several days away, too much thinking on my part, a feeling that my productive weekend hadn’t quite been fun enough, while Master was off enjoying His – I got into the shower. Suddenly and without warning I started to cry. While the water washed off of my body, tears ran down my face. For a few seconds, I felt stupid. What did I have to cry about? But then, I just let it happen, let my anxieties and fears fall away. After drying myself, I stood in front of the mirror naked and re-marked myself. I told my reflection out loud that this girl, this slut, belongs to her Master (this is a new rule), and tried to get those negative thoughts from my head. Suddenly I felt stronger. More able to face the day. There is definitely something about reaffirming to myself that I am owned by Him that helps me. Added to this the text I received from Him reaffirming that I am not completely alone helped me feel ready to face the day. A coffee which I grabbed on the way into work helped wake up my brain and face a day in the office.

Last evening after work, I got my time with Master. We discussed how I have been feeling and again the tears felt close, but didn’t emerge. Just seeing him and feeling His support and understanding of my needs made me feel stronger. It wasn’t that I didn’t feel I shouldn’t cry if I needed to, it was that suddenly I didn’t need to.

I am vulnerable right now, and I acknowledge that. But with the support of my friends and my Master I will emerge stronger and more able to deal with what life throws at me, perhaps without seeming unapproachable or in the least scary!