Reflections

I haven’t felt much like posting here over the past couple of weeks. There is nothing wrong, I have just run out of steam. The past couple of months have seen lots of activity on the blog; the blogging A-Z in April and then lots of meme participation. Ultimately though, there is more to this place than following a format, fun as it is to do.

There are many posts whirling around in my head, but nothing will quite come out. Last weekend was busy, in a fun and cultural sense. Generally there has been a limited amount of kink and overt submission.

That submission is always there, it is just that sometimes I struggle to see it. I really do long for the time when I am able to demonstrate it every day when we are free to be the Master and slave we desire to be. Just when I think I am stuck in a particular place though, I come across something that reminds me how far I have travelled, how much better my life is now, how lucky I am.

This morning, I found this post, written to my ex hubby from June 2013:

B,

 
On Sunday we have been married for 29 years. That is a lifetime – we have both been married for longer than we were single. We have had some great times, how ever would we have stayed together if we hadn’t. Equally we have had some difficult moments, not least the present. This year there will be no cards, no romantic meals – not even the pretence that we are happily married. No we won’t even see each other. Tomorrow you will tell me where you are off to for the weekend, personally I will find something useful to do; perhaps be with friends, who knows. Even though our marriage is on it’s very last legs, I will not be with Sir (and wouldn’t have been even if he hadn’t been working).
 
Today, I saw you for the first time in over 2 weeks. You were too busy to take me to the airport, too busy to join me on holiday, too busy to be here on my return. Yesterday on fathers day, your son was sad you weren’t here. Whether his failure to even text you was warranted, is between the two of you, after all, he is an adult now. It has been 7 months since I told you of my infidelity and 5 since the say I confirmed it by going off one Sunday to see my lover, leaving bereft at home. Since then we have not (as far as I can remember) spent one whole weekend together. You were away at Easter and even when I was away on holiday you spent few nights at home. You ask me to be patient with you. Say you don’t want to lose me. But even when I have offered to give up Sir you tell me that since it will make me unhappy you do not wish me to.
 
Both Sir and the friend I was on holiday with say that I now need to take control of this situation, and I know they are right. I am allowing myself to be treated just as badly now as I was before this happened.  I know I have committed the worst sin possible within a marriage, and I have made no secret of this, but you did too. Granted it was many years ago, but the facts remain. You keep information from me – even tonight during the 30 minutes you were here having a shower and changing – refusing to tell me when you will be home, where you are going, where you stay, where your clothes are. You spend money recklessly and ask me for more. 
 
You say you can’t give me what I need. Sexually, this is probably true. But even though I have offered to give this up you prefer to remain the martyr. If I am to be married, I need a husband, I need a loving relationship, I need to be cared for. You provide me with none of the above, yet you take all that you can. 
 
I am reaching the end. Despite the fact I have most recently broken our wedding vows, I am the one currently feeling most deceived, most cheated upon. I think that after Sunday I will be ready.
 
I am sorry it has come to this, but I think that we need to face facts. We need to stop pretending and you need to realise that this is about more than sex, even if that sex is of the kinky kind.
 
I still care for you B, but I no longer love you as a wife should, I no longer respect you. My feeling as I started this letter was anger, but now, it is sorrow.
 
 
Immediately after reading this, I started to wonder that I had moved on at all. After all B is not completely out of my life (though the person I called Sir at the time is). We are still married and the house is not yet sold. I had forgotten the extent of his betrayal of me at that time, of the fact that I had offered quite so many olive branches to him. Since then I have discovered that he was pretty much living with another woman. I have also found out the extent of the hurt my son felt about what was going on.
But tonight as I look back on the day that I wrote this I can only be grateful that the relationship with S ended and that I didn’t go back to B. Grateful that I met Master and that his relationship with his then slave ended. Grateful that I recognised my need to be Master’s submissive and to give myself totally to him. Grateful that together we have enjoyed so many great experiences together and that we continue to plan more.
In June 2013 I barely knew what submission was about. I had yet to experience pain in the way I now have. I perceived that there was much missing from my life, but didn’t even know what it was let alone how to find it.
Today, in June 2016 I know that I am an owned slave. I know that I exist to serve and please him. I know that my life is more fulfilled than I might have expected. I know that I have no need to make decisions in most of my life (save work and my own family), I know that I need Master’s help and guidance in all that I do. I know that I am not scared to have given up control.
I have come a long way.
This year, on the day of the anniversary of that marriage I will be with Master. I won’t be worrying about B and his life, but instead I will be focusing on my service to the man who owns me and loves me. Being the slave he wants and needs. I will just be girl.
This girl, His pierced slave. His property. His love
His.

The green light

At last it seems that progress has been made. This morning while I was making my morning tea and getting my breakfast ready a text came through from hubby telling me he was ready to get the house valued. In fact he seemed keen to put it up for sale more quickly than I do. There are a few bits of decorating and some more decluttering to be done first. I believe that these will maximise the sale price and also mean there is less to do before I move out.

This weekend Master and I put up a new light in the dining room. It has been sitting around waiting to be installed for over 2 years and having been let down by my brother a number of times it is now fixed and looks great. I have also cleared out some old papers (the shredding machine was working overtime) and also filled up my garden waste bin with weeds and shrub branches ready for the collection on Wednesday.
Now I feel I have the green light for a proper structured programme of work over the summer months. Some times can be done after work, others will be weekend projects. I also plan to contact a plasterer in the next few days as the hall, stairs and landing is badly in need of some attention.
At last though it feels something will really happen. At last he is ready to move on.
As far as I am concerned there is no stalling and no turning back from here on.

The things that need to be done

I sometimes feel that I am all talk and very little action. That I should be dealing with ending this thing once and for all but am failing.

Yesterday at work a ‘lunch and learn’ was held. Colleagues are taking it in turn to teach / inform / instruct others in various topics they have expertise in. Chatting to my closest work colleagues I joked that my lunch and learn topic would be ‘How not to end a long term relationship’

I have lived here alone for around 15 months. Hubby moved out permanently just before Christmas 2014 and my son in around February of 2015. The latter is now happily living with his girlfriend. Hubby is living with his girlfriend in what he would have me believe is some kind of landlady / lodger arrangement. I am not convinced. I applied to the local council for the reduction in local taxes that you can get if a single person lives in a property. I heard nothing, so applied again. It seems that he remains on the electoral register and that is how they judge entitlement. But changes to the way the electoral register is run mean that an individual have to move their own address for this purpose. He has not done so because his lady friend claims the reduction. I could drop them both in the s**t but don’t really want to be that vindictive. So I pay full rate council tax.

I have asked him to pack his remaining clothes and he agreed he would but was informed he has no where to put his things at her place! That was several weeks ago. I asked him to stop turning up every day, but was told that her shower is broken and he doesn’t like to take a bath (the last part is true, but not my problem).

Yesterday I saw him as I was home early. We chatted about recent events pretty easily. I told him that my aunt was over from New Zealand and that I was planning to take my mum and aunt to visit other family soon. All was calm and relaxed as we talked about other times Gwen has visited. But later, he texted me to say he was sad that he was  no longer part of the family that the visit wasn’t open to him. He soon began to wallow in the usual self pity.

This morning I was snooping around a box of his stuff that is sitting on my son’s bed. Hubby’s stuff. I found a piece of paper with some names and phone numbers written on it. Names and phone numbers of people that could only have been taken from my phone in 2012-13 when things were coming to a head and before I had proper password protection. For some reason this discovery brought me to my senses.

This morning I had my appraisal at work. I discussed my job, the things I have done well and could do better and my thoughts around my next (and probably final job). Sitting at my desk afterwards I realised that this is my opportunity to make the changes I need in both work and personally. Time for some real action. I felt and feel fired up.

So, this weekend I am going to pack his clothes up into bags. That is the first step.

Then next week I will give him a clear time table for the final changes to be made – his leaving for good, his agreement on the house sale etc.

Over the coming weeks Master and I will (I have no doubt) discuss my future career move and how I handle that. In my marriage I have to overcome my preference for being submissive and for not wanting to make decisions and to take control. With Master’s support I know that I can and that I must.

Some things feel too hard

On a couple of occasions recently it has occured to me that I really should try harder at getting myself properly separated from the man who is still legally my husband. The first was while we were in Amsterdam and I was challenged by the friend we were staying with about my living arrangements. This was fairly near the start of the evening, before we had drunk too much wine. Much of what was discussed later has become something of a blur, but I do know that the discussion about my house and about my ex was no less honest and open than the rest of our conversations. I remember admitting how difficult I am finding it to give up the house. This is something of a revelation, since (and I admitted this), there was a time that I didn’t actually like it here. It turns out that dislike was about some of the less pleasant memories associated with it, plus the man I was living with. Now I fully admit I am struggling to give it up. The second occasion was over the weekend when I was writing my kink of the week post about being kidnapped and / or held captive. As I wrote, and the post emerged from my keyboard, I discovered the truth (well perhaps uncovered it) that if Master were to take me away from here and trap me at his place (or anywhere else), then I wouldn’t have to deal with the difficult stuff.

But of course these things do need to be dealt with. It is impossible to pretend otherwise, in my case for much longer.
There are some very odd things about my husband’s behaviour right now which need to stop and the only way to make that happen is for me to say and do something. He has not spent a night in the house for over a year, to my knowledge anyway. At weekends he definitely keeps away, and I can comfortably wander around naked, have Master to stay, and do anything else we care to do without fear of him walking in. During the working week though, that is not the case. Every morning he leaves the place he currently lives with another woman and on the way to work he walks into this house, stays (mostly) downstairs and then leaves an hour or two later. I don’t usually see him as this is early and I am sleeping. This morning though I woke early, got up to the toilet and discovered that he was already downstairs (I saw his car when I looked out of the window) at 4am.
In the evening he comes here on the way home from work, takes a shower and shaves. I admit, that I have continued to provide him with shower gel, shampoo, shaving gel etc to use. Generally I don’t see him as I arrive home when he has left.
Why though do I continue to allow these things to happen? He pays nothing towards the upkeep of the house, save the occasional contribution towards the mortgage and the annual  TV license and satellite TV he has continued to pay. Many of his belongings remain here and there has been no separation of possessions of any kind.
Why?
Because it feels just too hard.
But, other things felt hard too and I managed to get past that feeling and move on.
I am writing this now, while I need to be reminded of that way I feel at the moment – tired because I haven’t slept enough and irritated at both him and myself because I have not dealt with something I have spent months saying I must do.
This feels hard, but really it isn’t too hard and it has to be done. There, I have said it. Now Julie, get on and do it!

Time

It has been almost exactly 3 years since hubby discovered I was cheating on him.  I remember vividly the day that he thought he had found something within my emails; I had met someone for lunch, but that person while male wasn’t the person I was cheating him with.

However, it became clear within hours, that I really did need to tell him the truth. I am not proud of deceiving hubby in the way I did and it is not something I would recommend. In hindsight I should have dealt with the marriage first and then found myself a lover. But hindsight is an easy thing from this distance.
I still live in the marital home, he has moved out and is living with a woman he met just a few weeks after I dropped my bombshell on him. For months and months during 2013 he pretended that when he stayed out for nights on end that he was at a male friends. That turned out to be a lie. Then last year I discovered that the woman was that person he met on our trip to Germany in December 2012 and that she was a person I had previously worked with. It is now a year since hubby stayed over night in the house. He knows we will have to sell, but hasn’t been keen yet to do so. He appears to be avoiding the inevitable.
While he doesn’t sleep at home he visits every day, usually when I am either in bed or at work. He still calls in on his way to work and takes with him some sandwiches which I make (I know that I need to stop this). Then in the evening he calls in and showers before heading off for the evening. I have allowed this to continue for the past year despite knowing that I need to end this. This week due to a lack of afternoon meetings, I have been able to arrive home early and so have encountered him every evening and then yesterday on my day off he decided to spend the entire morning in the house. I took this opportunity to try to speak to him.
He claims that the relationship with the woman he lives with is a friendship. This is in spite of the fact that they portray themselves to each others families (including our son) as a couple. He seems unwilling or unable to move himself on to a stage where he accepts that we should have no part of each others lives (save those involving our son) any more. Encounters like this one, where I try to have a serious conversation about ending our relationship more formally always result in me being frustrated and in he being upset.
My son has indicated that he and his girlfriend would like to buy the family home, but not for another year. It isn’t really clear that they can afford to buy the house, but I am willing to let them try and also willing to hang on for a year. But what I can’t do is allow the current situation with hubby to continue. The trouble is I am at a loss as quite how to move us onto the next stage. I guess I could start divorce proceedings, but the financial elements would need to be finalised as part of the divorce, so probably I should wait for that too. Plus, even getting divorced might not change things in his mind.
I know that is is time to end this situation once and for all and that there are some things I can and must do to help. He says he understands that our marriage, is over and that we won’t ever go back to where we were. But his words and his actions just don’t match up. 3 years seems long enough for him to get the message and I know I now need to make him understand that I really do mean this.

What has changed? Everything actually.

In my last post I described my frustrations at what feels like my inability to take that final step to rid ex-hubby from the house and my life. Of course, he will always be around to some extent, we have a son and of course there is the small matter of the house and the divorce.

This morning I have taken one further step and have cleared his remaining things from the bedside cabinet. Next week I will ask him to start to clear out the wardrobe and drawers. It seems that what he has left behind are things he rarely if ever needs / wants so hopefully it will be a case of putting things into bags and taking them with him or sending them to a charity shop or something.

This morning Master and I have been enjoying parts 2 and 3 of a session that began last night and which I will blog about later. But during my more lucid moments I was struck by the thought that actually everything in my life is different to how it was. Different in a very good way.

I have gone from being a woman who gave herself plenty of orgasms, but craved a loving sexual relationship to go with it. That woman felt unfulfilled despite a successful career and being a wife of getting on for 30 years and the mother of a bright and popular young man. That woman felt something was missing.

The person I am now is still that woman, but she is happier than she has probably ever been. I now know who and what I am, a sexy and erotic woman who just happens to have discovered the slave side she didn’t know about. At last I am fulfilled. I still get to enjoy plenty of orgasms, since although they no longer belong to me, Master loves to take them from me. I am no longer frightened of any aspect of sex, and enjoy doing things I previously avoided (such as cock sucking). I have discovered my inner anal slut and find that I am not embarrassed to watch Him masturbate or He to watch me. My inhibitions, built up over many years have tumbled down.

So when I get frustrated and upset that I am not getting to the end point with my ex that I feel I should, I need to remember just how far I have come and how happy I really am.

What has changed?

I drove up to the house and found the driveway blocked by a car.

I leaned on the car horn, there was no response.

Once again, and nothing.

I got out of the car, the temperature cool, unseasonably so for May. It was raining.

I banged on the window (ok, so I have no doorbell)

I was annoyed, irritated. I am home from work, but a man who contributes nothing to the household and who doesn’t live here was blocking the driveway with his car.

I got back into the car and tooted the horn again.

At last he appeared. Running late apparently.

…………………………………..
My son was home last night. He asked why his dad still comes home, to the family home each day, even though he lives with another woman.
That is the question I need to ask.Every morning he comes into the house and collects the sandwiches that, yes I have prepared for him.
Every evening he takes a shower here.

I pay all of the bills now, and he does not live here. But this house is jointly owned.

It is now time for the next step in this process to formally separate. Time for him to leave here for good and time for me to move on. Properly.
It really is time for change to happen.

Week by week

Gradually things with hubby are getting resolved. He hasn’t spent a night here since early December, doesn’t disturb me if he comes in the house early in the morning and I am now doing little in the way of washing etc. for him.

But he does still come in every morning to collect sandwiches and his coffee mug, and in the evening to shower and change after work. I do still wash his work clothes, and I continue to help him financially.

Sometimes I feel like I am allowing this whole thing to take longer than it should. I should just tell him that since this marriage is over he should move out of the house properly and then we should just sell the house and move on.

Of course, we have discussed our options regarding our separation, but I know he is stalling. I am a person who avoids confrontation if I can, and have to build up to another attempt at doing so.

I know that week by week I am making progress towards my goal and that I will get to where I need to be.

Luckily I have Master’s support and for that I am more grateful than I can say.

Closure

Yesterday we said goodbye to my dad. The previous 10 days or so had been a flurry of activity; time spent with mum and the family, time organising the funeral and time at work. A Funeral is an interesting occasion I always think; both sad and happy in almost equal measures.

Seeing the flowers in the garden as I arrived at their house. My niece telling me she had written a poem for granddad and wanted to read it out, and in the next breath bursting into tears and saying she couldn’t. Followed by helping her write her card and slipping the poem behind it (later reading the beautiful words was both happy and sad). The relief at seeing both my ex sisters in law after they had said they wouldn’t be there. Seeing my brother, son and nephews carrying the coffin. Hearing my brother read out the words I had written for us all. Seeing my son and his cousins hugging each other in grief.

But what joy to see the 5 grandchildren and their respective girl and boyfriends eating lunch together, and chatting the entire afternoon was such a joy to see. Catching up with cousins I have not seen in months or even years in some cases. Seeing and hearing everyone enjoying recounting memories, enjoying each others company was great too. My relief at knowing the food had lived up to expectation and that mum was coping well.

A funeral is a ritual that we need to go through. It helps bring some kind of closure to the first part of our grieving process. I know we all have a long way to go, but yesterday helped.

 

A strange week

It isn’t every week that you lose a parent (thankfully), so I suppose the fact that it has been kind of weird around here is to be expected. Last week was about caring for dad, for mum and for the rest of the family. It was about being there for others and taking time out for me. This week has been much the same in a slightly different way, but there is no dad. What we have now is thoughts and memories.

Last evening I joined mum and the elder of my two brothers to meet with the lady who will conduct the funeral ceremony. Dad wasn’t a religious person. He never discussed faith with me, never told me he was an atheist, but I suspect he was. His last coherent words to me, just over a week ago was to ask me ‘what is my destiny Julie? I told him that it was to be there with us, what else was there to say to a dying man? So last evening we told her about the man who was a husband, father, grandfather, great-grandfather, work colleague, friend. Then later when she had left, we looked at some old photos and chatted some more. Mum is taking great solace in those memories and so too I think did we.

Yesterday too, I went back to work. There was a meeting I felt I needed to go to. There was no one else to go for me as the job I do is about me, not about a team. The meeting was fine, but back in the office, I found being there difficult. People were lovely, coming up and speaking about my loss. The trouble was having so many people approaching me in that way was in itself challenging. They gave me a lovely orchid plant and a card. So kind, but at the same time it made me want to leave and go home. I didn’t I sat it out, even if I was only part way effective.

My time with Master this last couple of weeks has of course been reduced. Plus, to be honest, I have thought less about my submission than of late. The role I have been playing has been that of daughter, sister and mother and not in any kind of submissive way. The conversations with Master have been just that and our meetings have in the main been for dinner and on Wednesday to see a film too. Our time together has helped me escape from the realities of the rest of my life, but also to be able to talk to someone who knows how it feels. Who knows how I feel.

I know this week will end and will be replaced with another equally surreal and unusual, since next week will be the funeral. Then after that there will be more weeks where we all try to come to terms with what has happened recently.

What I look forward to though is being with Master again in the way I know I need. To be His slave again and to submit, to be played with in whatever way He has in mind. Plus I think to at last be able to plan a little bit further in the future. To start to think of the next phase of my life, the one where hubby and I make the final break. I know I will need His support for that too.