Looking back at our Eroticon weekend

When I left home on Friday to travel to Eroticon I had every intention of writing about it during the weekend. In fact, I ended up having very little time or energy for writing anything. I managed to complete something about our meet and greet experience and then to post a Sinful Sunday.

It has been a full on weekend, even taking account of the fact we took some time out to be on our own. I have been to so many work conferences where I go to everything, all of the time. This time, even though I could quite happily have attended every session, we chose not to. We both needed down time and since work is really so full on right now,that was the right thing to do.

We met lots of new people, and were able to put faces to blog or twitter names. In some ways I wonder if we took everything we could have from the experience. But this being our first experience of Eroticon there is nothing to compare to.

@writtenbyjenny has started a meme, inviting us to write about the ten things I took home from Eroticon. So here goes.


Ten Things I Took Home From Eroticon

  1. The chance to mix with other kink friendly folk – It is not often, you meet quite so many people with so much in common in one place. Munches can be great, but I often come away disappointed because I feel I have little in common with those present. At Eroticon our united desire to write for others seemed to cut through individual differences.
  2. The ability to meet new people  – A diverse range of people, all out to have a great time. Many people knew each other, but many more did not. Often people were known to me through blogs and twitter. Meeting those people in person is always interesting, and most often in a good way. Everyone was really friendly, but I do struggle to make the first approach.
  3. A recognition that I need to push myself to actually speak to new people – It’s funny, but Master and I are as bad as each other at this. I suspect that this is for different reasons too. He is an introvert who could probably sit all day in a crowded room without speaking to anyone. While I am an extrovert who finds it difficult to overcome my anxiety about opening my mouth until I know someone. We need to do better, I came away without actually speaking to too many people.
  4. I picked up new ideas and inspiration – I found the session by Ashley Lister on the process of plotting a story really interesting. I love process and a ‘how to’ list. Whether I will need to follow in its entirety remains to be seen, but I sense it will help. The blogging 102 session with Innocent Loverboy was great for the tips on topics. Also for the energy in the room.
  5. I Learnt about myself – Meg John Barker’s session on learning about ourselves through erotic fantasy was probably my favourite over all. I will continue to mull over her ‘zine’ and write more in the coming days.
  6. Lots of fun freebies – As other’s have said, the sponsors did us proud. Great mugs, a lovely book to write in, a chocolate and much more. I didn’t pick up my tee shirts though!
  7. New blogs and websites to track down and read – so many new places to explore and read. Hours of fun and reading.
  8. Learning about the law on erotica past and present – Kate Lister on the history of erotic writing and obscenity and Myles Jackman on current legal issues. Again I plan to write about both in the coming days.
  9. Conversation topics for the whole weekend – We missed a couple of sessions to just be on our own. To have a drink, to walk about Camden. We missed the Saturday social too and had dinner and an evening to ourselves. But that doesn’t mean we didn’t talk about what we had seen, heard and discussed in the conference.
  10. A feeling of satisfaction and a desire to return next year –  I really hope we can make it. For us any excuse for a weekend away, but we prefer to have something fun and interesting to do. Eroticon was definitely that.

One thing we might do differently 

We didn’t realise the first session was a panel. So when we walked in at the beginning, we sat near the back. This was a mistake as the panel’s voices, even with a microphones didn’t carry well. Master has hearing problems and could only hear every 4th or 5th word. This led to us leaving early on Sunday as I was pretty sure that he would get frustrated at not being able to hear. I am a little sad, as I think it would have been great to hear people read out their work. But, I do plan to pick up a copy of the Anthology from Amazon as I didn’t manage to pick on up while there.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Life begins

They used to say that life begins at 40. I beg to differ. Over the last year of my 30’s I lost weight in a vain attempt to make myself feel something special about the coming decade. Often though I would look in the mirror and see the same unhappy, often asexual being, someone while 2 stones lighter looked no more attractive. Well that was how it felt to me. A great birthday celebration was planned, and while the family came together and my husband arranged a lovely meal and surprise hotel stay I was suffering from food poisoning. Something I had picked up on holiday the week before.

As my 40’s wore on I had the feeling there was something missing in my life. My marriage, which looked happy on the surface felt like torture. I was deeply unhappy. In 2009 when I was 47 my son went off to university. Although happy that he had been able to follow his own dream, I felt the empty nest he left behind intensely. I looked at his father, my husband of over 25  years and wondered how much longer I could keep up the facade. In the late summer of 2011, just after my 49th birthday my son travelled to the US to spend an academic year abroad. Little did I know that by the time my next birthday had arrived I would have found my kinky and sexual side.

50 was a turning point for me. Suddenly  I was brave enough to put myself first after years of prioritising anyone else but myself. I followed my gut instinct and tried something new. Yes, I took a risk but it paid off for me. The end result is the life I have now and the one I will have in the future.

I am now 54 and have never been happier and people tell me I look it . I have managed to find a balance between family and what I need for me. I have a new man in my life who offers me the fulfilment I never even knew I needed.

50 is a massive milestone in life, most people are over half way through their life. It is a time when we must face our own reality as we begin to lose people around us, including perhaps our parents (I lost my dad in my 50’s). It is also a time of hope as our children grow and become independent. A part of my life began in my 50’s, and hopefully will continue into my old age.

Finally I want to wish Marie Rebelle, a happy 50th birthday. Things might be more difficult that she would like right now, but I know that her 50’s will prove to be the continuation of a wonderful journey of discovery and self fulfilment. Happy Birthday!!

Happy Anniversary

My 54+ years have contained highs and lows. In the main, the highs win over the lows. I am a half full rather than half empty person. I enjoyed a happy childhood with loving parents who tried to give us all that they could and two great but highly irritating brothers. Generally they hardly knew when they were well off – a sister who looked after them, ate their food to allow them to get down from the table, wrote their thank you cards post Christmas, told mum when they had hit her…….well maybe not that, but anyway.

My marriage was mainly positive despite his unfaithfulness, general inability to provide for his family and to make decisions. Plus the fact he was entirely absent during the first 3 years of my sons life. I guess that being a mother has been the main part of my life, before I met Master, when I have felt fulfilment. I make no excuse for saying that my greatest achievement in many ways has been producing and bringing up my son. He made me laugh when I was sad, he made me cry for mainly good and proud reasons. I am beyond proud of the young man he is now.
But when it comes to love and personal happiness the past three years top everything.
On 1st February 2014 I met the man who is now my Master. We had only been chatting online for a week but something about our interactions (plus the fact that we lived within 45 minutes of each other) made us decide to meet up.
The rest is history.
There is a lot I could write here, but much of this blog details our journey, the highs and the lows, not that there are many lows even if you were a half empty person which Master is and I am not.
Today, day 1 of February Photofest 2017, I am posting a photo that Master took of me waiting, ready for his use. Something that demonstrates the highlight of the life I now live as Master’s owned slave.
                  

 

365 Questions – 18th January, Follow your heart

My head rules my life. While I may appear to act on impulse and to to follow my gut feeling or indeed my heart that really isn’t the case. Instead I plan and consider what I should do and then spend a little more time considering what to do next. I worry about the consequences of my actions and then sometimes do nothing for ages even for ever.

I followed my heart when my ex proposed. At the age of just 19, he was my first boyfriend and I imagined myself unattractive to other boys of my age since no one else had asked me. I was in love with the idea of being in love and engaged. Soon after I got involved briefly with an ex patient from the orthopaedic ward. He had been involved in a motor cycle accident and had had surgery. One night the patient in the next bed suffered a severe haemorrhage and afterwards the young man and I talked through our respective experiences and afterwards swapped phone numbers. I an not sure that kind of thing would be encouraged these days, but at the time there seemed no harm in it. I was going off duty on days off and he would be gone on my return. A couple of weeks later we went on a date. He was keen to see  me again, and I was tempted. But I was engaged and got cold feet. My heart told me to do one thing, my head something else. My head won.

It is hard to think of any time in the following 30 years when I actually did anything on impulse where true emotion was involved. I always did the sensible thing, acted like the grown up I was. Until that is the afternoon I travelled to meet with S and subsequently spent the night with him. I often think of what might have happened if things had gone wrong. But they didn’t and we had some great times. Then of course, a couple of years later after things with S ended I met Master. We met in a pub one day and then had a play date the next.

Looking back it is hard to see that that woman in her 50’s is the same as that young scared girl of 19.  But of course I am just a more experienced, mature version of the person I was then. Someone who realised that she needs to live her life not regret the things she might have done.

The question for 18th January – The best part of today was:

Well, other than the dinner out I just had with my mum and two brothers it is the realisation that I really can do what I want these days. I really can follow my instinct and my heart. I told my brother that I really would like him to come and help us finish off the painting that is needed in this house. I don’t want to prolong things longer because I want to get the house valued and on the market.

I want to follow my heart!

 

 

Anticipating the year to come

Just over a week into the new year, and our holiday to Belgium behind us I am now thinking about the year ahead. While I am not necessarily a person who wholly believes in things like numerology, horoscopes or other things psychic,  I do kind of want to believe the idea that 2016 was the year of endings and 2017 about a new start.

It is coming up to 5 years since I began my original journey, over 4 since my ex discovered that I was not the happy bunny he thought I was and almost 3 since I met Master. I think the length of time that has elapsed is enough to know that the procrastination needs to stop and I really do need to get on with life.
Increasingly I feel sad when Master and I have been together for a prolonged period and then have to separate and go to our own homes. This week is no exception. I want to be with him, and need to get on with making that happen. During the second half of last year we completed quite a lot of work in my house and garden, all in preparation of my selling the house. There is now very little to do before the house can go on the market. I anticipate that the process will not be without its stresses, and don’t under estimate the sadness I will feel when I leave. My house is less cluttered that Master’s place. He is working on making it less so, but there is a way to go. Then there is the fact that the house will be his and not mine, though of course there is no reason that it won’t become home to me, but it will take time.
BUT.
Living together will mean that we can get on with living our life together in the way we wish. That our Master / slave dynamic can become a greater element of our lifestyle. It will mean that I can express my submission more overtly and he can do the same with his Dominance. Master has bought me many erotic items of clothing that I get little opportunity to wear because of our current living arrangements.
We will be able to have more sex. As we get older, we need more time for sex, our libido in general has dropped. While the idea is often great our bodies sometimes take longer to respond. Don’t get me wrong we pretty frequent, kinky and very enjoyable sex, but we are definitely restricted by not being together every night.
There is an economic perspective to this too. Living costs for 2 people are much less than double that of 1. That means we can visit more places, do more things and generally enjoy life.
Finally we will be happier together than we are apart and happiness, contentment and a feeling of well being is much healthier. If I think back 5 years I don’t think I even knew how unhappy I was, much less how content I could be.
Just before Christmas, Master and I went to a drinks party at the house of one of his neighbours. He made a comment that when he sees Master on his way into town he often has a smile on his face and appears happy. That, he said, wasn’t always the case.
I anticipate a great year ahead. I think we both do.

Shadows

Do you ever think you see something or someone in your sightline, turn around and realise that the thing or person is not there?

Just part of your imagination?

Perhaps a shadow.

A shadow of the person you were, of a person you knew and loved but who is now gone? A pet that you owned and is also gone?

I often stand in my kitchen, and think I see someone or something outside in the front garden. Afterwards I realise it was a shadow, caused by the way the sun moved across the garden rather than ever quite shining in. It is to do with the way the house is positioned and I know this.

But from time to time I have imagined I briefly witnessed the cat run across the garden, or someone walk down my garden path. But they are not real animals or people, they are shadows.

The cat died 4 or 5 years ago and people who I am not expecting rarely turn up these days, unless they are trying to sell something. Perhaps double glazing or religion.

But actually I like to imagine the ghosts of those lost are around me. Tribbles the cat (named by my son and often out of the house and seeking to come in) who died while his Master was away at university in the USA.  My much loved nan who died 17 years ago and who I swear after she was gone made some of my son’s toys make their electronic noise out of the blue.

Most recently my dad, who died two years ago next week.

Sometimes when I turn around I think I see him walking up the path. In the area because he has been to fit an outside light at someone’s house,  to put in a socket or 5 (he was an electrician) and who is hoping for a cup of coffee, a biscuit and a chat.

But sadly they are all shadows.

Or maybe not so sadly since those shadows bring the memories to the fore and that can’t be either a bad or scary thing. They are the shadows of our lives gone by, our memories and perhaps also of memories to be made in the future. They are something to be valued and enjoyed. Not a very wicked Wednesday, but one from the heart.

 

Choices

We all make choices everyday. When to get up, what to eat, where to go, what to say to others. We have control over our actions, the ability not to be late for work, the ability to eat healthily and to be kind to others. We don’t always exercise the choices we should and sometimes we get ourselves into positions whereby we don’t feel we have a choice at all.

I got myself into such a place over hubby. He cheated early in our marriage when my son was young and we were financially challenged. I faced the choice about our relationship – stay or go, stay of kick him out. But I struggled in the decision making process and believed that I had no choice. I hated the idea of telling others of his infidelity of making people hate him. I hated the idea of being left alone, of being a single parent. I hated the idea of being even more hard up financially than I already was, working full time and getting no where. So I made the choice to stay and keep the status quo.

At the time, I thought I had no choice and therefore had made no choice at all, but of course I did choose what to do. I thought he would choose to leave, but he didn’t. In truth we were as bad as each other.

I eventually chose to precipitate the end of that marriage, getting on for 20 years later and to be honest I probably made things worse for us both in waiting so long. But if I hadn’t waited I might not be where I am now. I might not have met Master and might not have discovered the depth of my submission and desire to submit to him.

Looking back I was always submissive, it is who I am. My difficulties in making choices, not because I can’t but because I really don’t want to, perhaps stem from this being my preference, part of my personality. Just as my desire to please and to care for everyone around me is part of my natural way.

But I did make the choice in the end. I faced everyone including a grown up son. I discovered that people thought no worse of me for making the choice and discovered that many people had thought I should be making that choice sooner. Most though never articulated their thoughts on my relationship with hubby. When people start to admit that they didn’t really like him after such a long time it feels rather odd. I guess they felt it wasn’t their business, not their choice to make.

This is a choice I made rather late in the day, but one I am pleased I managed to make in the end and one that led to me being able to meet Master. It has enabled us to choose each other. It enabled me to choose to be his slave and him to choose to be my Master.

 

 

Playing in a public place

There are a number of things we have done in a public place. I have often worn no underwear beneath my clothes when out, either shopping, visiting public places or perhaps eating in a restaurant. Most of the time I am oblivious to what people either notice or think. Personally I am of the opinion that people are so wrapped up in their own lives, or perhaps their phones to know or care what others do around them. Indeed I frequently climb over people on the train who don’t even know I was sitting next to them, so much are they absorbed by their phone or tablet computer! Master and I often observe others in the course of their daily lives and wonder if they even notice us. And not just because we are people in our 50’s and so invisible to younger people.

Anyway, I digress. The one thing that I haven’t done is to play and be played with in public. I have had sex in a public place, but unseen by public eyes. I have been touched up (frequently) in public, and as far as I know been unseen by anyone. I say as far as I know since no one has ever indicated otherwise or called the police.
We have spoken a lot about visiting a club and playing in public. This appeals to me on a number of levels. While Master has quite a lot of equipment, his playroom at home is restricted in size and range of larger equipment. But mainly when we play at home there is just us. We can’t watch others and they can’t see us. More than anything that is for me the next level of kink that I aspire to climb.
I own kinky clothes that would have more impact in a public place. I know people that I would love to see in a different arena from the local munch. I am an extrovert and I like an audience. But what I don’t know until I try is if I would like to play in a public place.
Would I be as keen for others to see me in pain, to whimper and protest. Would I want to admit that I am aroused by those feelings. Would I want to be seen by an audience in a situation that today I have only experienced in private?
Yes, actually I think I do.

Aspirations

There is so much about my life that I love, that I am happy with.

I love the freedom I have to do as I please, which happens to match up well to the things that Master wants. This is because we seem to be able to combine travel, culture and sitting around doing very little in equal measure. I also love the fact that we are able to communicate in a way that wasn’t always the case for me with my ex.
But who is the person I aspire to be, what do I want to be able to do and how do I most want to live my life?
Much as I love my job, it would be true to say that I find it a challenge to keep up the pretence of arriving each day and continuing to be as excited about it as I always was. I would like to be able to take breaks from work from time to time, to be able to go off and spend time travelling with Master. Doing the things we love to do.
The only way to achieve this goal is to get on and sell this house. So, because I really want this, I have begun my programme of getting ready for the sale. Master is definitely in the mood to keep me focused on getting these little projects done each week, as I am focused on getting him to de-clutter his bachelor pad for the arrival of me, his slave.
You see, we are both clear that we aspire to live together. We know that we have work to do to get to a place where we have the space for us both. He has promised me a room to put the things that are personal but which I don’t wish to put into storage. We have promised each other the space also to learn to live together and to be the people we want to be.
I want to be free to do as I choose. I need to free myself from the final confines of marriage to divorce and to separate our assets. My ex and I struggle to communicate and I recognise that in this relationship I need to dominate. Failure to do so means that nothing is ever achieved. So my particular aspiration right now is to get on and make that permanent separation happen.
I aspire to be the slave Master wants and probably needs. Once my house is sold I will have less need to work because I will have financial security. I will be able to work either fewer hours or work periodically and then I can be available to Master, to serve him as he wishes. We will be able to travel and do the things we both want. We will be able to export new places and experience new things.
We are people in our middle age. We know that we have achieved a great deal to date. We both have children and in my case a parent to think of, but we also know that we are at a time in our life where considering ourselves and each other is just, if not more important. I need to think of myself, but also to think of him. He does likewise.
We aspire now to have a good time. We aspire to be free to demonstrate the dynamic we have chosen for ourselves and for each other.
I aspire most of all to be his slave and to be free to demonstrate that I am his slave all of the time. I aspire to be free to be able to modify my body as we both desire, and to show that body to him as we wish.
But we do recognise that we live in the real world and that doing as we wish cannot always be achieved. So perhaps we just aspire to be left alone to be ourselves most of the time.

Mind and body

This post is inspired by this one by Geno Day. Turmoil of the mind and its effects on the body, and vice versa.

Generally these days I am a reasonably calm person. I say these days, because perhaps that wasn’t always so. For a period of time my life itself was in a state of flux as I worked through the decisions I had made to stray from my marriage and then to end it. Meeting Master occured during that time and I struggled to balance the various elements of my life as it was then with discovering my apparent deep seated need for submission. Times spent with him, meant learning to let go of my daily life, and embracing the new experiences he offered me. I learned to go for whole days and longer without considering my job or the other people in my life who had a call on me – the nearly ex husband, my son, my parents. Instead I learned to concentrate on me and on him, my Sir as he was at the time. We played quite a bit in those early days and through that play, I found out so much about my body discovering that by letting go of the turmoil present within my mind, something else took its place. A freedom in my head, the ability to allow my submission to build and to take its place. Perhaps though the turmoil moved to a new place; somewhere around my groin area.

Orgasms were for a long time a way of gaining release from the frustrations of my life and the marriage where I seemed unable to enjoy sex with my husband. The freedom that came with those orgasms were however short lived, momentary even. Meeting Master, however meant that things felt different. Sex was different, I enjoyed it, embraced it, loved it even. Orgasms were no longer mine to own, and in the main, he decided when they occured. Having that control removed, freed me even more, allowing my body to respond to him and my mind to focus on him. He trained my to respond to his command, counting me down from 5 or 10 or heaven forbid, 20. I found that by focusing on him and not on what the end result was to be meant that I was able to orgasm on his command. My body responded in a way that I would never have imagined.

Fast forward to now, just over two years into the relationship. Now his slave and his property, I am the writhing slut he wants and needs. My body often enters a state of physical turmoil towards the end of the count, as I fight to control it until it is time. My body writhes and reacts almost of its own accord as the physical conscious reacts with the unconscious. Fluid gushes from my pussy, demonstrating the physical arousal. My clitoris hardens and sounds emerge from my mouth as all of the emotions come together in climax. He loves  me to look at him as I cum. He loves to see my eyes shining and I love to see the power that he recognises in himself at that moment. As the turmoil passes, so I thank him for the gift of that orgasm. He owns them, but gives them freely to me and then he tells me I am a good girl.

Calmness returns.