Advice to my 21 year old self

On my 21st birthday my parents and fiancé threw me a party. Attended by family and friends, we drank and danced into the night. I was young and carefree, though ready to face the responsibilities of adulthood. Later that year, I qualified as a nurse and by the time my 22nd birthday came around, I was married. The year was 1984, almost a lifetime ago.

In many ways, my life had gone to plan. There has been a successful career, a long marriage a child, a home that we almost own. But in other ways very different. I imagined that I would always care for patients at the bedside which has not been the case. That the marriage would be forever and that there would be more than one child. Friendships have not always lasted, decisions taken have proven not to be the best. Plus I now realise a happy, healthy sex life is far more important than I could ever have imagined.

I wonder then, if I could give my 21 year old self advice. What would that be.

Relationships 

If you are sure you are in love, then get married. Perhaps, wait a little longer. Live together, have fun, travel. You aren’t going to have your child for 7 years after all, so there was no hurry. Ignore the advice of your parents who didn’t like the idea of you living together before marriage.

Work at your relationship, don’t let it go as soon as the first problem occurs. But don’t allow yourself to be lied to in the way you will. If an excuse seems far fetched, it probably is. It isn’t normal to attend weddings and other functions alone because your husband says he is working away from home. He doesn’t have that kind of job, never did and never will do.

Don’t believe that you are to blame for his mistakes, his infidelity. The moment you realise you don’t love him, don’t want him any more, walk away.

Parenthood

You will be a good and caring mother, follow your instincts and all will be well. Put your child first, but remember that he will still be there if you walk away from the marriage. The child’s father is meant to share being the parent. You don’t have to be both mother and father.

Your son will always have you and he will always have his father. You don’t need to be married  to each other. There is little else advice to give other than always keep channels of communication open. Your son will always return when he needs you.

Friends and Family

Don’t put family before friends all of the time. A social life involving  parents, brothers, their wives and children is a wonderful thing. But when times change and marriages begin to fail, you could end up with very little social life. Invest time in those friends willing to give time to you. Accept that not all friendships last the course and family members do lie. Don’t be frightened of your mother, her bark is worse than her bite.

Work

Enjoy your time as a nurse. Don’t be afraid to change jobs. Believe in yourself. When the patients start to get you down try something new. Don’t fear a job in management, the pay and the hours are better. Never regret moving on and do so when you no longer enjoy what you are doing. Make friends, but accept that they work friends may be transient. Take any opportunity for further education and training and use it to your advantage.

Lovers

Recognise that being loved is important. Never forget that you need to be held, protected and touched. If the man you are partnered to does not turn you on then the relationship is wrong. Don’t fear being alone, you will meet the right person for you. Embrace the sexual feelings you have. Don’t be afraid to go in search and to try new sexual experiences. Preferably leave one relationship before embarking on the next. Infidelity invariably ends in tears and in the main they will be yours.

Trust your instincts and do be prepared to take a risk. If a sexual experience feels right, then it probably is. But take care. Try not to put yourself in danger. Learn about safe calls. You might not need them but it’s a good idea to be prepared.

When you meet the right man, you will know. One day you will be happier than you ever imagined you could be.

Life

By all means look back on what you have done, where you have been and who with. Remember and reflect, but never regret. When possible look forward and enjoy. Life to be embraced, enjoyed and lived.
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First experience

I was nearly 50 before I had my first experience. Of sex with a man other than my husband and of anal sex. We had known each other just a few weeks and had met just the once. In a probably not to be recommended encounter, I met, had sex and slept the night with a man I had only chatted to online and by phone. But things went well, we got on well together. Enjoyed each others company as well as lusting after each other. What is more, the sex was better than anything I had experienced in a long time. Perhaps ever.

A couple of weeks later I went back for more. This time I travelled to his place. I sucked him, he fucked me senseless and then we had anal sex. He knew I was an anal virgin and I knew that he wanted to take that particular cherry. We had discussed my willingness to have anal at length and I had trained myself for those couple of weeks with a butt plug.

My only experience of anal sex before meeting S was in some of the kinky books I read. Generally the dominant man considered taking his submissive girl’s arse as the ultimate prize. Perhaps the same was true of S. While I in turn wanted to give it a try, to learn and experience new things.

He was clearly experienced and led me gently through the build up to the main event. He attended to my orgasm needs, stroked me, kissed me and made me feel like I needed to feel his cock in that forbidden place. Any pain I felt on that day (and I am sure it did hurt a little) pales into insignificance when I consider the lasting benefits. That first experience helped me see the intimacy that can come from anal sex. The trust that is needed so that I could relax enough for him to find his way inside that most secret of places. Then the resulting orgasm that seemed in some way different from any other.

That first experience probably paved the way for me to become the submissive I am now. S and I continued to have great sex and for him that tended to include anal. I enjoyed it and complied. But there were problems with the relationship, mainly that we wanted and needed different things. Looking back sex with S was predictable, starting with  me on my knees sucking him and some time later (hours or the next day) with anal.

I don’t suppose any partner wants to think of their lover having sex with an ex. But Master says that he is grateful to S for teaching me about anal. It meant I was ready, able and willing soon after we met. For us anal is something very special. It brings out the slut, the bitch in me. It is dirty and forbidden but it feels the most intimate of sexual acts. We don’t do it often, indeed we haven’t in some time. But when we do it is one of the ways in which Master expresses his ownership of me, his slave.

This post is cross linked to Wicked Wednesday for the prompt ‘The Ex’ and to Kink of the Week for the prompt ‘Anal Sex’.

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Gadget man

The first thing that came to mind when I saw this week’s prompt for Wicked Wednesday was Master. Following our second play date in February 2014  I called him gadget man.

I kneeled, restrained, legs in a spreader bar, arms spread too, wrists in cuffs, attached to a chain that passed under the bed. Blindfolded. A vibrating dildo in my ass. All I could hear was my new Dom moving around, opening boxes and cupboards. The anticipation was almost as overwhelming as the resulting pain and pleasure. There were things that vibrated, things inserted inside me and there were things he hit me with. The impact toys were also used to apply different sensations, as he stroked me with the flogger. He tapped me with a cane, applied pegs to my labia, clamps to my tits and then used that powerful vibrator on me and brought me to orgasm. Many, many times.

Then after all of that, he fucked me. Took me and possessed me, probably owned me from that day. The experience was overwhelming, something special for us both. But what I remembered most afterwards was the range of toys. Sex and impact gadgets I never knew people even possessed in their homes. For a while I called him Gadget Man. Not long afterwards of course he became Sir and then Master. Still though I think of him and his gadgets. He is definitely my gadget man still.

This is his latest gadget. Something I am still getting used to!

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Review of 2017 and recommendations for 2018 (part 1)

So the end of the year is nigh. For me, this year has been a little bit strange. I started with hope and expectation and end, well with hope and expectation. Meanwhile I have travelled to new places, enjoyed new and very different experiences. But in many ways life remains the same. Perhaps 2018 then?

January

On January 1st I posted my predictions for the year ahead. I truly believed that this year I would sell the house and move in with Master. But mum deciding to move closer to my brother plus my ex’s parter wanting to buy my share of ours changed that. We have travelled to new places – Brussels, Toulouse and Alsace – Lorraine. But as for living together, hopefully next year.

February

On Feb 18th I shared the move to my own domain on Sinful Sunday. I completely underestimated the amount of work involved in a self hosted blog. But to be honest it has been worth it. I have a freedom here that I never experienced before. It is easier to manage than blogger and the move has helped me to express that freedom. Sinful Sunday is a wonderful meme run and hosted by Molly Moore on her blog Molly’s Daily Kiss. Within hours of my move, Molly’s husband Michael, web master extraordinaire  had identified some security issues on the blog (due to my naive ineptitude in the main) and helped me fix them. Sadly Michael doesn’t write very much these days, but when he does, the posts are well worth a read. Passionate, deeply sexy, serious or fun as the need arises.

March

On 6th March I shared my thoughts on our Eroticon experience. For the first time we had mixed with other kinky people. The weekend organised by Molly, Michael and Girl on the Net was almost overwhelming. We met new people, but found it difficult to interact with strangers. I learnt so much about writing and blogging, but have been almost too scared to put that learning into practice. But it was a real learning experience and this coming March I think we will take advantage of the experience so much more. I met many of the bloggers I admire at Eroticon but sadly didn’t speak to all of those I should have. For example Jerusalem Mortimer and Silver Dom

April

At the very end of March it was Master’s birthday. He decided to celebrate by taking us to the Secret Dungeon. In April I joined the Blogging A-Z challenge and introduced photos from the dungeon on 1st. Then described more of the environment and experience on 5th  – D for dungeon. To be honest it was an important time for us both. We were able to explore our kink in a way we hadn’t for a very long time. We created memories that have lived with us and what is more, it made us want to return for more. I am not sure if the a-z Challenge will run again in 2018, or if I will participate. But this year I had no shortage of material!

May

One of the things that might put me off of joining a whole month’s challenge such as Blogging A-Z or February Photofest is the potential for running out of steam. By May it was clear this was happening. On 6th May I posted ‘One of those update posts‘. It gave an indication of what was to come. I struggled with ideas and creativity, added to the pressure of normal life. A blogging drought. However May was also the month when Master’s new bathroom was installed, complete with jacuzzi bath! More of that in part 2.

In May too though I had the opportunity to provide the roundup and judge Wicked Wednesday for the first time. This for me was something of a learning experience. Marie Rebelle from Rebel’s Notes has had a difficult year. Coping with the distressing loss of her mum as well as the trauma of a flood in her home. I wasn’t able to meet her at Eroticon as sadly she was unable to travel to London while her mum was unwell. I so admire the work she puts into all elements of her blog, including Wicked Wednesday.  She has launched Smut Marathon, a writing competition, which starts in January.  Taking on the round up of Wicked Wednesday gave me a tiny insight into the lives of bloggers such as Marie and others who give so much to this community. But also it makes me want to contribute too.

June

In June I posted only twice. In my defence, we were on holiday in Alsace – Lorraine in France for 2 weeks of June. But to be honest I was a little out of ideas and had lost my blogging mojo. Reflections, for Sinful Sunday was an easily captured pair of photos. Perhaps though by looking deeper than the mirror and the person reflected within you consider more about the blogger. Why is she doing this? What is she trying to say? More of that in part 2. Tomorrow.

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What do you see?

Yesterday someone I have known since we were young student nurses together sent me a photo. In it I am around 18 or 19, young, slim and carefree. I can still remember being that person, and think I know what I saw when looking in the mirror back then. I have never been one to gaze at myself in the way people often seem to today. I use the mirror to check my hair, or to apply make-up (on the rare occasions I wear any). But I know that my face was unlined, I know that I possessed more freckles on my nose and face than I wanted to see. I know that my eyes were blue and I know that my nose was small and slightly upturned at the tip. This is still the case unlike the colour of my hair, which is no longer the shiny auburn it was then. No hair dye ever brings that colour back.

Mostly I feel the same as I did then. I don’t feel weighed down by the many years and experiences that have occured since then. Ok, so I have aches and pains that I never seemed to have then. My body is 37 years older after all. When I look in the mirror at myself I can still see that young girl somewhere, but she is much less visible. I wonder if I look the age I am, younger or older. It is so difficult to tell that about yourself. I think that I should dye my hair as there is grey growing at the sides and roots. I wonder if my eyes are less blue, though people tell me that when I wear certain colours it makes my eyes look really blue. Are my lips thinner and my face fatter? Probably.

But does any of this matter? I have a man in my life who tells me that I am beautiful. Who proclaims that when I orgasm I express pleasure through my face. A man who makes me laugh and with whom I am beyond happy. When I look in the mirror I see someone who is happy with their life. That is enough.

 

 

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The mark

We have spoken so many times about me getting a tattoo. I know that he loves a woman with tattoos marking her body. In theory I love the idea too and want what he wants. But all along I have had a few worries. First is the fact that his former slave had a number of tattoos. Indeed she had his initials tattooed onto her leg at the very time they were breaking up. I caught both sides of that argument, but suffice to say it didn’t end well. Personally, no matter the dynamic of the relationship you must want this kind of thing for yourself as well as them. I think that another persons initials indelibly inked upon your body take some consideration. 

For me, well that is not the worry. I think I want symbols rather than initials on my skin. I have Master’s collar and cuff. I have the knowledge that I am owned. I don’t need his initials.

What then? I have been thinking of a butterfly.

A butterfly signifies the beauty of the natural world around us. It shows that as a slave while I want to show off and be proud that he is my Master I also want to settle down beside or on top of him. It demonstrates that while I could easily fly away I choose to stay close, safely by his side.

But also it shows that I am vulnerable and need protection. It seems that I am confident, but in actual fact I am not. I am anxious about the future and need his reassurance.

I am confident that we will get that tattoo. Another sign of his Mastership over me. But also of my freedom to express myself. Where though should that tattoo be?

I am thinking a breast, or buttock or perhaps somewhere else…………

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His kinks and our plans

There are many ways in which we are on the same wavelength when it comes to kink. Being his owned slave is probably the main one. While I am naturally bratty and rebellious, I love the way that he takes control and keeps me within defined boundaries. I am at my happiest when the boundaries of our relationship are clearest to us both.

Pain as a way of him exerting control is important, but it is not the main thing. Control of our sex life, and the power it gives him is. He loves to catch me unawares and to suddenly tell me what to do – get on my knees, suck his cock, bend over, strip off. Whatever. He loves the gadgets of kink, the violet wand, the bindings and blindfolds. They have an amazing effect on me. I love the way in which he surprises me with new ideas, new toys. I love the control he has over me.

He loves tattoos and piercings.  He loves women to wear slutty clothes and to expose themselves in public. I have the piercings – nipples and clitoral hood. On occasion I wear something a bit slutty and am prepared to show myself to him in a public place.

Sometime over the past three years or so though we have settled into a comfortable place. We talk about more piercings, about tattoos. But they haven’t happened. In the main I don’t leave the house without underwear as I used to, and the times I expose myself in public has reduced in frequency.

Partly this is due to life – work, caring responsibilities, social life, being a middle aged couple (and any other excuse you might mention). In many ways, though it feels as though I have just become complacent and lazy. Also just a little tired as work and caring plus keeping up with our social life takes its toll.

A quick look at his Tumblr blog tells me however, that his kinky fantasies remain as they were. I have to admit they are mine too. I really do still want more piercings. I would love to walk around, knickerless with weights hanging from my labia. I would love to cut my hair as he really wants. I still want that tattoo. I want to be the slut he desires.

What I need to do is to take control of my life. Or to get into a position where he truly can take control of my life. We are still waiting for my ex to sort himself out. For he and his lady love to be ready to buy my house. We are close, but not quite there.

Meanwhile I really am planning my exit from work. Preparing myself, those around me and the work itself for that day. I have given myself a deadline of early March when I will hand in my notice. By then, my mum should be living nearer to my brother and be less of a burden to me. And I should be preparing to give myself to Master properly. If the ex isn’t ready by then, well something different will have to happen.

I want his kinks to be my kinks, but I need to make some changes here for that to happen. I have a plan, a real plan.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Still learning

This week I realised I am still learning about how to write for a blog. I recently offered to help Marie from Rebel’s Notes with the roundup and judging of Wicked Wednesday. She took me up on the offer and this week it was my turn; Marie will publish my top 3 today. The Wicked Wednesday prompt for the following week is posted on Saturday, along with the roundup and top 3 from the previous week.

I have taken part in a number of the regular memes that circulate the sex and kink related blog world, including Wicked Wednesday. They are a great way to focus on a topic, to share with a wider audience and to find new blogs to read. My own preference is posts about real lived experience and also opinion about life, love, sex and kink. Probably because those are the kinds of blog posts I write. Fiction doesn’t come easily to me as a writer and although I read plenty of fictional books of all genres I tend not to do so on blogs. I am not sure why, but when I browse blogs and find short stories I often pass by. That however might change now.

2517 and all that

This week’s prompt was about life 500 years hence in 2517. I fully intended to write a post and wanted to try some fiction, I even started the post. My thoughts centred around the idea that maybe our lives would have become simpler. Technology has advanced beyond recognition in the past 100 years. We use it to communicate, to make life easier, as labour saving devices, and to fight wars. What if communication such as we know it had led to war on such a scale never before seen? What if a re-evaluation of our lives and existence had taken place. I planned to link this to the idea of greater tolerance and the idea that I should be able to live openly as a slave if I wish.

But events in Manchester on Monday kind of derailed my thoughts. Suddenly I found it almost impossible to write about what was really my own utopia. Death, injury, fear, hurt and suffering were at the forefront of my thoughts and so I abandoned my post. I am sorry I did, but not sorry that I still had to read everyone else’s blogs.

Reviewing and judging

There were 12 posts to review, but when I began the judging process I had already read 3 or 4. Of course I needed to go back and refresh my memory and then read the rest. I was impressed by the imagination and creativity that had gone into creating stories around the prompt. Not everyone’s writing was about life in 2517, but a significant number were.

There is such an amazing talent of sex bloggers who write fiction, and to think I had been skipping over their posts. There were also a number of off topic tales and personal reflective posts. The task of judging a top 3 was much harder than I imagined – I chose my top 7 and went to bed late on Thursday night. Friday morning I quickly re-read those and came up with my top 3, in no order. Went out to run a few errands and came back with a clear order.

These were my personal choice, no one else. I fully expect that if another person reviewed the same 12 posts they might come up with a different top 3 or in a different order. But I took my role in this seriously and stand by my own list.

Final thoughts

Most of us blog for fun, a few manage to make money doing it. But what I have learned is that we do take the business of writing seriously. Some of us find writing easier than others, but there are some seriously talented people out there. I feel privileged to have been invited to judge Wicked Wednesday. It took a whole evening and a little more from my life, but it was worth it.  I take my hat off (well would if I were wearing one) to people like Marie who run memes like this every week. They put an enormous amount of work into helping people like me blog. I encourage anyone reading this who blogs to take part.

Recollections of the past

A couple of weeks ago I installed a widget that allows random posts from your blog to be reposted to Twitter or Facebook. I had noticed it on a few people’s twitter feed and since I have almost 5 years worth of posts I decided to try it too. Every 12 hours or so a new tweet, with a link appears on my twitter feed. Yesterday this one cropped up. It was liked and retweeted by eye  and then commented on by Rebecca. How strange then that this week’s Wicked Wednesday is about recollections.

That the post entitled ‘Relationships’ was written in March 2013. At the time I was going though a lot of trauma with my ex. He had recently found out about my relationship with S and was pretty keen to point our my shortcomings at every opportunity. When, that is he wasn’t telling me how much he loved me and that he didn’t want to lose me. When I brought up his own infidelity he told me that something that happened 20 years ago didn’t count. The trouble is that the hurt from all that time ago, had never left me. Writing in a bit of detail about being cheated on as a young wife and mother helped put things into perspective.

Infidelity is not something to be taken lightly. We made a promise to each other in front of family and friends. A promise that we would love, honour and cherish each other. I never imagined that he would break that promise quite so quickly. Especially as in the aftermath he pretty much told me I was frigid and boring in bed. More recent events have proved that not to be the case. Embarking on my own journey took some guts, and all of the time I knew I was being unfaithful. I knew that if he every found out, then he would be devastated and so he was.

But the interesting thing about the recollections associated with this post is this. In March 2013, while he continued to make me feel guilty and to try to get me to dump S, my ex was already seeing another woman. They had met at Christmas and were in the early stages of their current relationship. The wronged man was already in another’s arms. For months after that he pretended that he was spending much of his time staying with a male friend. I believed him because it was easy to do so and because I was preoccupied. The man was a liar hypocrite in the early 90’s when I found out about that first affair and still is today.

For the most part I try to look forwards, looking back doesn’t always help. Sometimes recollections of the past can help. My words from 2013 certainly have done that today.

 

What is necessary?

In the first few days after I moved my blog to this new place I made a few schoolboy errors.  One of these was to accidentally delete all categories and tags I had dragged through. I guess that I could have resent all of the posts, but I decided not to. In all honesty I underestimated the sheer volume of work involved in reviewing nearly 5 years of posts. It was with enthusiasm that I embarked on the task, after all this is about my journey. But I reckoned without the emotional journey that it would send me upon.

I started by working back, but unfortunately during January and February I was experiencing a quiet blogging period. Except of course for February Photofest. So I tried going back to the beginning and in doing so, discovered a forgotten past. Indeed it was a past where, in an attempt to discover the submission I needed I allowed emotion to overtake good sense. As the weeks and months went on, back in 2012 I immersed myself into an alternative reality. One where I struggled with my marriage, while embarking on a relationship with a man who wasn’t what he seemed.

Frustration made me return to the end and work backwards. So far I have reached page 28 or 39, just before I met Master, a journey of 3 years. Journeying through times of love, travel and kink. Through the awful period when my dad was ill and subsequently died. Through too difficult experiences with my mum, her moods, illnesses and our relationship.

All that time my marriage has been drawing to its natural conclusion, a time much more protracted than should be the case. The number of times where I plan to tell him to get lost and that the house will be sold are too numerous to mention.

I have a plan to progress at speed. to label anything involving previous relationships as such. Some of that stuff I may never revisit again.

But just maybe this process has been useful, necessary. Perhaps it has helped me to see just how far I have travelled and how close I am to my goal.

Perhaps this was a necessary task.

I have a few days off. I am spending that time finishing off the decluttering and general preparation for the sale.