What’s my name?

For most of my life I was only called by my given name, Julie. I hated it when people shortened Julie to Ju, it struck me as lazy and uncreative. A family friend called me Jools, and for a while that stuck. As a young teen at the time it felt grown up, and smart, unlike Ju. After my marriage I became JJ and tended not to mind that either. But my parents called me Julie, as did my husband and most other people around me.

5 years ago, when I embarked upon this journey, one involving illicit sex with a bit of kink thrown in. I called myself Joolz on the various websites and on my new blog. The people I met at that time either didn’t know my real name or chose not to use it. To them I was Joolz.

But when Master and I met, 3 and a half years ago now. He saw me as someone else. To him Joolz was someone who was a bit scary, who had been struggling to find her true self. Joolz was someone in transition from Julie to……….. But who.

He wanted me to refer to myself as ‘this girl’. As far as he was concerned, my journey as a submissive needed to include some introspection about what and who I was. By removing the need to think of myself in the first person or as Julie the mother or daughter, the submissive inside would feel more real. At the same time he was of the opinion that Joolz was someone who had belonged to another, someone who had rejected me. By letting go of Joolz, I let go of that part of my past. Gave myself fully to him. Allowed myself to be absorbed into his ownership, to become his property.

Gradually over time this girl has become girl. He called and does call me girl. At times he has admitted that he has struggled to remember that I am also Julie. A 55 year old girl? Yes, but not any girl. His girl, his submissive and his slave. I do still refer to myself as ‘this girl’ but mainly during sex or play. The rest of the time I just know who and what I am, even when people call me Julie. I know I am His girl.

Blogging A-Z Challenge: G

G is for Girl

This girl’s given name is girl. Just 2 weeks after Master and I met, I wrote this post. At that time I was sceptical that referring to myself in the third person was something I could get used to. Let alone that doing so would have an influence on my submission. But I was a novice back then, not that I knew it since I thought I knew everything about D/s. The learning curve was steep but I was an eager student.

In those early days, to get used to referring to myself as ‘this girl’ I began to write my posts in the third person. It is only recently that I have reverted, though in many ways prefer writing as this girl. When we have sex, or when we are playing I don’t just refer to myself as this girl, I am she. It is my name, my identity, my slave persona. The rest of the time it is an undercurrent to my life. Master rarely uses my real name, and has admitted that sometimes he has to think about what it is. I usually call him Master, since that is who he is to me. Unless I am speaking to someone else about him, and even then I have sometimes let slip.

Illeism – the act of referring to oneself in the third person

Much more common in literature than in real life, illeism is I think an interesting concept. It distances you from your own individual self and places you in  secondary place to the other. In a power exchange relationship, being required to refer to myself in that way makes me consider each sentence I utter. It makes me think about my place as his slave, my role and function.

Of course, I don’t go around speaking in the third person all the time, for example at work or with family. That would be considered a bit on the weird side. Nor do I do so all of the time Master and I are together. But there are times when I would never refer to myself as I with him. We both know when they are and that is a rule I tend not to break.

G is for……….

Glass dildo and Good girl. The photo below is of my bottom, into which Master has inserted a glass dildo. There is something lovely about that object as it is pushed into your body. It is cool, it is smooth, it is hard but not in the way plastic or rubber is hard. It is also pretty, though you can’t see it’s beauty from this photo. The shaft of the dildo has rings of pink, I think (I don’t have it here so I can’t check). As you can see it has a ring of glass at the end which makes it easy to hold for withdrawal. The morning of the glass dildo was a morning of orgasms and of double penetration. A lot of our sex and play takes place in the mornings, it is a time when we are emerging from sleep and are feeling pretty sexy. The play times are less frequent than the sexy times, and that makes them special. The glass dildo is pretty special too.

Until about 2 years ago, I hadn’t been called a girl, much less a good girl for a very long time. When Master told me I was girl, his girl, this girl I found it hard to get my head around. But since I am meant to refer to myself as this girl all of the time, and much of the time I remember to do so, the words now trip off of my tongue more easily.

I love nothing more these days than to be told I am a good girl, that I have done well and pleased him. Sometimes I do forget who I am, and I do say too much, I do buy into his argumentative nature, I do allow myself to get dragged in and to argue back, even when I know I will get annoyed and start to question my very place as his slave. This statement is written for and to Master, since this happened last night and last week and the week before. I say it because I know what is happening and I can stop it. I say it because I truly am his slave, his good girl and I am not going to allow discussions on topics we will never agree on and which aren’t even important to us, to get in the way of that.

 

The girl He wants

It seems that this girl is in something of a flow, a series even. Having written about herself as a slave and as a person, perhaps it is time to think about this girl’s perception of the slave that Master wants.

It is His power within this relationship and all that she has given to Him that essentially gets Him off. He is aroused by the knowledge that He owns a slave who is willing to give up control of just about everything for Him. It started with orgasm control and quickly moved onto the slave as an object, He a Man who owned her body, mind and indeed her name. Next was certain modifications of her body; the piercings and finally her limits.
Somewhere in between Master and His girl have worked out His wants and needs around other aspects of life. He wants her to need Him, but not so much that she can’t function in her normal daily life. This girl has a job in senior management and needs to be able to function at a high level and to exercise control over that part of her life. She earns a reasonable salary and is self sufficient in that area of her life, though appreciates advice and guidance on money management and likes to discuss work related issues. He always asks about her day and it keen to discuss ways in which things have gone well or not.This girl expects and indeed likes to pay her way and they both agree that is important for them both. Family life is her own domain as is management of her ex, but often she seeks advice and while he gives it freely, He doesn’t insist she follow it since that is her domain. In general, life is reasonably stable, He expects her to be able to function from day to day with the minimum of guidance. If there is a problem, then she might need additional help, but in general during week days contact is just in the evenings. Weekends are spent together. So this girl can say she is in the main a low maintenance slave.

So to the future. firstly body modification: He would like more piercings, a tattoo or two and much shorter hair. This girl is excited by the idea that she might have some more piercings – both favour the labia to be next. Weird as it might be to some, the idea of getting 2 or even 4 piercings is very exciting to this girl. She would like rings that can be laced, or linked to the clit piercing. Even indeed to her nipples. This girl has struggled with being able to manage rings in her nipples, only due to the little balls that the rings tend to have and the problem of getting them in place. What she needs is a friend who can help her manage them (they are seriously fiddly to a person whose close vision is completely shot to pieces). But the idea of rings linking the labia, clit and nipples is truly exciting to both Master and this girl. The tattoo idea is no problem to this girl, but the hair is a different concept entirely.

Interestingly, this girl is incredibly turned on by the idea of having her hair shaved. Master identifies His ideal slave as someone who has a shaved head and this girl can see and buy into that. The reality of managing the hair stylist and her friends, family and work colleagues are something else entirely. Over the past year though, this girl has gone from having hair which reaches almost to her shoulder to a style which is pretty short. Many people have commented and in a good way. It is just the next step that feels a challenge, though not one too far.

Lastly there is the service that this girl can give to Master each and every day and His wish and need for that. Over the Christmas holidays, Master and His slave spent 3 weeks together, 24 hours a day. We both know that this is our ideal life. One where this girl is able to serve Him in all ways. Sexually of course, as she does now. But also one who is able to look after Him, cook and clean and generally be there as He needs. There are other needs – humiliation, degradation, exhibitionism. All of those needs could finally be met as He wanted.

This collared slave loves the fact she is owned and possessed, but for both, Master and slave, more is needed and soon.

What’s in a name?

Last weekend Master and His girl were chatting about the way they refer to each other. Master asked if she remembered Him calling her by her given name, she couldn’t think of a day when that had happened.

To Him, she is girl or this girl. Often during sex, as previously mentioned she is bitch or cunt. Since she has never been anyone else’s girl or indeed bitch or cunt, she loves this fact.

Early on in the relationship, when it was still D/s, or even before D/s was confirmed for that matter, Master requested that this girl referred to herself as such. At the time it felt like it would be a challenge to comply to His wishes. He said He felt it would help her with her submission and this turned out to be true. By avoiding reference to ‘I’ and thinking and speaking of herself as this girl subtle changes seemed to occur. She started off by using the third person in her blog, writing is often easier than saying something out loud. Over a short time the thinking and writing became second nature so that the girl felt she could easily refer to herself as such to others. Speaking to Master too, it became ever easier to call herself this girl.

Roll forward almost two years and this girl isn’t always perfect at remembering not to use the work ‘I’ during normal conversation and Master doesn’t always insist on it. However it is still a requirement and most of the time it is second nature. He is Master and this girl is just that. What is more He is her Master and she is His girl.

Controlled

His control over this girl is often subtle rather than overt. This girl reads the blogs and fetlife posts of other submissives and slaves and can see that often their lives involve more in the way of overt discipline and rules. The power and control Master exerts over this girl feels a little different.

Make no mistake though, He really does have total control. What is more, looking back this girl can see that just how much she has changed since she came into Master’s control. She can see how she has become the calmer person He wanted her to be, that she is no longer someone who seeks control in any part of her life in the way that she did. Work becomes a new experience when you are committed while you are there but generally you leave the office and have no desire to worry about things till the next day. Letting go to perceived responsibilities around family can be more difficult, but generally this girl can say that she is better at that part of her life these days.

This girl has however been wondering about some of the decisions she makes away from her relationship with Master and whether she is still a little too inclined to make decisions without discussion. Also whether she should be asking for permission to make some of those decisions. It is easier to know what is right and wrong when we are together, generally there are no decisions to be made then. But where Master is not involved, then what? No doubt, when Master reads this, we will have that conversation.

When we are together though, there is no doubt. He totally gets off on the power He has over this girl. But His style is pretty low key. This girl does as she knows He wants mostly without being told. Expressing her own opinion is often described as brattiness, which of course it is. Mostly though the brattiness is not serious, since there is an understanding of what the rules of engagement are. He starts conversations with words like “do you want to”, but of course they are not intended to be a question, they are a statement. The fact that this girl understands this and feels no need to challenge any part of it is an important difference from what went before.

Sometimes though instructions do not come as a question. This morning He told this girl to put in her butt plug before we had sex. Made it clear that she was to face the mirrored wardrobes when she was on top. Told her how her submission gives Him the power and control He needs.

Next week this girl if off to France with her mum who needs to have some time away from home as we approach the first anniversary of dad’s death. Time without the overt control that Master gives when we are together and a time when His control from afar will  be needed. But control all the same and this girl will know it is there.

 

This slave has been collared

Late last night this girl knelt, knees wide, hands upwards, naked before her Master while He placed a collar around her neck and tightened the screw. Then He drew on her breasts and tummy.

This symbol, which Master created from the letters MPB is going to form this girl’s tattoo; He thinks that this would be a good position for it. The little bruise is a result of the way in which Master used his slave after she had been collared.

 

This mark is on girl’s tummy (a little faded as it was post shower) and use her He did. Last night as a play thing – she lay naked, and open for Him to feel, kiss and bring to orgasm after orgasm, while He sat clothed. Then this morning she was thoroughly fucked by Him.
Now this girl has been collared, the contract and rules we have will be re-visited. This girl has been lax in sticking to some of the prescribed rules and Master hasn’t really punished her for those lapses. It seems very likely that this will change. This morning, this girl is one very very happy slave.

Something has happened

It would be true to say that all the time she has been seeing Master things have gradually evolved. To begin with, the knowledge that this was likely to be a short term relationship played on this girl’s mind. This meant she tried to be mindful of her place in His life and the place of the person who was His primary slave. No long term plans were made, and this girl did her best to live by the day. The piercings were something she wanted and she paid for, plus they are only as permanent as you wish them to be. While no specific limits were put in place, neither this girl nor Master pushed for anything that suggested a long term commitment.

But now, we both acknowledge that what we have now is different. This girl says that we acknowledge it, but actually it hasn’t been discussed. The fact is that:

There is no other person
We plan our lives around each other
We are increasingly think of each other before anything is planned
Kinky discussions indicate that this girl has given all control to Master and that this is not just about the bedroom

What has changed is that:

This girl is willing to admit now that the piercings belong to Master and always did
Increasingly she wishes to make no decisions other than those relating to her work and her family
She is willing to cut her hair to His requirements and in the future will consider shaving her head
She is willing to open up their relationship in whatever way He sees fit
She wants a tattoo that will signify His ownership
She wants to wear His collar and wear it 24/7
She recognises her status as His 24/7 slave, whether they are together or not
She thinks of herself as this girl, an owned, registered slave

This girl wonders if it is time to review the contract agreed last year and for this girl to agree some new rules?

Happy slave, exhausted Master

This morning this girl awoke quite early. Master opened His eyes briefly and this girl asked Him if He was still tired.

“Exhausted” He exclaimed
“Why?” this girl asked
“That mammoth fuck” was His reply, along with the fact He has had something of a stomach bug this last week.

But, yes that fuck was mammoth. In fact it was in three parts.

………………………..
On Friday night this girl cooked dinner and afterwards we sat at the table chatting and listening to some music. Master got up for the table, went to His bag and returned with a leather harness. This girl stripped off and Master framed Her breasts between the straps, tightening the buckles at her back and front, and tying the collar. He took some photos, which no doubt will appear somewhere at some point. We moved into the living room and this girl spent some time kneeling on the floor sucking His cock. Master likes to look at and feel His property, to get her back into the right frame of mind. This was especially the case given that this girl had managed to get herself into a stressed state the previous evening.Later in bed, Master took possession of His girl, claiming her body and taking a number of orgasms from her.

In the morning shortly after waking, this girl was instructed to suck His cock and then to get on top of Him and ride. He asked this girl if she wanted to cum, which of course she did.  He started the count at 20! That man knows how to tease a girl, one who is currently riding His cock. And especially when at 8 He began to stroke her clit and one nipple. Fit to explode she just about managed to hold on till He reached 0. She was rewarded shortly afterwards though when this girl was allowed to lick her juices from Him and to receive her prize.

There was of course much more to the whole thing than that. For a start there were lots and lots of orgasms which always impairs the memory.

………………………….
This morning there was more cock worship, more riding Master and more orgasms. There was also time spent discussing our relationship and the ways in which Master has trained this girl and the ways in which she is developing into the slave He wants.
This afternoon Master measured this girl’s neck………..

This girl and her Lord

At last work is over, this girl’s mum is on the mend (she will be home from hospital tomorrow) and the holiday time can begin. Yesterday, she spent time catching up with things at home, paying bills, doing some last minute shopping before packing her bags and leaving home for two whole weeks.

There was one last thing to do before this girl went to Master’s house and that was to visit her mum in hospital. Mum has struggled with the realities of being confined in the hospital. Probably because unlike when she was in before she was actually ill and this time she really isn’t. This girl has to admit that she isn’t sorry she will be away and that her brothers will have to take responsibility over the coming days. She has a real need now to break away from these responsibilities for a while. She needs the slave space and she needs this extended time with her Lord.

The evening was relaxing – dinner, wine, chatting, music. It was fairly late when we went to bed, so this girl imagined that we might go to sleep quickly. But she imagined wrongly as Master decided it was time to reclaim His girl and remind her of who she was, what she was and her role in this relationship.

As Master stroked the body of His property and her hand felt for His growing cock this girl began to feel the stresses of the past couple of weeks evaporate. He demanded orgasms from her and to be honest she had no power within her to resist, even if she had wanted to. The power exchange during those moments is almost palpable.

This morning Master picked up where He had left off. His mission to get this girl to squirt continued as He spent time examining her, stroking and fingering her and then fucking her. It hasn’t quite happened to Master’s satisfaction yet, but this girl has a feeling that a big gush is not far away.

We spent time discussing the dynamic between us, about the feelings that this girl’s slavery and Master’s dominance have on each of us. How this girl loves the way Master uses her, the way in which by calling her this girl objectifies her and in turn how that arouses them both.

Master likes to be this girl’s Lord and she is increasingly comfortable calling Him just that, since it is Who He is.

We leave tomorrow and as suggested by tori, there will be a kinky photo blog of our travels, with a few words thrown in.