What the words we use mean to me

Yesterday during my slight melt down, I asked Master what I should blog about. I have been struggling with topics, particularly as some of the things that do bother me, I don’t feel comfortable with blogging about in detail here. I know that I should be able to use this as a place to freely speak my mind, but even though it is very similar to a journal, it isn’t a private place and I am always mindful of that fact.

This morning Master came back with a suggestion that I blog about the words we use and what they mean to me, thinking about how those meanings have changed. For simplicity of writing style, and no other reason, I am going to write in the first person.
Two and a half years ago I had never given much thought to submission, or to Dominance. I knew very little of the world of BDSM, indeed I had the view that it was predominantly about sex, and kinky sex at that. My life at the time was pretty much free of sex, kinky or otherwise. I felt my life had been one of domestic drudgery. Working hard, essentially doing everything for the family, being there at everyones beck and call. I felt quite unhappy with my lot. I had no understanding that my need to be that person, to serve an other, or indeed others, was part of who I was. I didn’t realise that it was possible to provide service, to submit and in return be cared for and to be protected. I knew I wanted to be looked after, I knew that I needed someone to take more control of my life, but I had a husband, and since he wasn’t such a bad man, I thought that was my lot in life.
A few times in the past 5 or 6 years, I have played online. Until early 2012 though, I had never actually been in a BDSM chat room and encountered the Dominant / submission dynamic. Something drew me there and once it did, I found it felt like home. I began reading all I could online and then bought books which told me more about it. I met S almost simultaneously. There was never a question in my mind that I was submissive and the more I read, the more we chatted, the greater the pull was. The sex offered by S was kinky, and I was as keen to explore that part of me as he was. It was part of the BDSM ‘thing’ as far as I could see then; the submission came alongside.
Fast forward to now and I recognise that within a relationship sex is very important. For me now, kinky sex is what I need, not to say that any sex isn’t something I love. It is. But what I know now is that submission isn’t about sex per say. Submission is something deeply held. A feeling, a need, a desire. It is what makes me feel like a whole person. It isn’t about kneeling, about physical restraint, it isn’t about calling my Dominant by a particular name. It is just who I am.
It never crossed my mind until recently that I might even identify with slave rather than submissive. I am still not certain, why I increasingly believe that to be the case. In the past I had a negative view of what that might mean given what I knew of the history of slavery past and present. But knowing that it is possible to consent to being someone’s property, their slave, actually gives me a sense that I could be fulfilled in a way I never imagined. That I could offer all of myself to another, and that person could want to take control of every part of me. That I would never again have to retain power over the whole of my life is something that I want and desire. Right now, there is nothing that makes me happier than when Master asks: “who owns you?” and I reply “you do”.
How then is this different from the rest of my adult life? I have always felt that I existed only for the benefit of others, but that somehow I received little in return. How is it different to willingly give up, when in the past you felt it was just taken, and what is more, taken for granted by all of those around you. Perhaps it is the knowledge that Master doesn’t take. He asks me to give, and once it is given, He retains it. Even though this relationship only started some 5 months ago, it feels like a gradual process. He didn’t demand, I gave willingly, and the more I gave the more I felt I needed to give. At some point (actually a day in May when He was away in the US), we both appeared to realise that I had a need to give up complete control. I had an overwhelming desire to become His slave.
When Master tells me He owns me, it makes me feel safe and secure. It makes me feel bound, even when not restrained. I call him Master now, freely and in a way I couldn’t seem to get used to Sir. He tells me He is my Lord (He loves being called Lord), and He is. To begin with I laughed at the idea of calling Him such a name, but now, the name Lord, is also spoken easily. The knowledge I am His girl, that my name is girl fits easily in my head. At times, I wonder, that I was ever anything else.
But the names mean nothing without the actions. I called another person Master, though only really in the bedroom (as it were). This is something deeper, more consuming. Being slave (a slave called girl), is now deeply within me. Without His help and guidance, without control, I feel lost. For me, He is my Lord and Master and whether I like it or not (and mostly I do) He owns me, inside and out.

A good place

This girl feels very calm right now.

She has spent most of the last week with her Master and has been subject to His calming influence and to His power and control. This girl has made few decisions, and when she has, they have been in the knowledge that He isn’t far away. Even today when we have been apart, He hasn’t been far from this girl’s thoughts and that helps keep her on the right path.

This morning, shortly after waking, Master took possession of this girl. He had already instructed her to give Him a number of orgasms and then He took her arse for the first time in a few weeks. It was a fitting end to a wonderful week. This girl can still feel where He has been, as she writes this blog post over 12 hours later.

The challenge now, as this girl returns to work tomorrow and encounters the stresses of both work and home, is to maintain this calm feeling. To prevent that feeling of happiness falling away too quickly and not allow those who may cause this girl to feel anxious and doubt herself from doing so.

Today this girl was complimented by her dad on the way she handled one or two put down comments from her mum. In the past this girl was quick to react to such comments, but today she acted differently. She acted instead, in the way she and Master have discussed. She felt proud. Of the comments, and that if Master had been there, that He would have been pleased with her.

This girl has a number of things she needs to focus on in the coming months to make the changes that are necessary to her life. She knows that being calm and organised is part of the key to being successful in making these changes. She knows that she needs to make something of a plan. She needs Master’s help in doing this and in helping keep her on track.

This girl needs to learn how to keep within this good place even when she and Master aren’t together, even when He can’t see her. That is the challenge.

Time away

This girl has just woken in her own bed, alone, for the first time in almost a week. This girl loves sleeping with Master, often she wakes with His hand on her body. He says His hand has a calming influence on a girl who thrashes around a little at times during sleep. 6 consecutive nights together, though and this girl was beginning to enjoy the routine.

The trip to Lisbon was wonderful in so many ways and has left this girl with some memories which will stay with her for years to come. The beautiful views (once you negotiated the hills), the pretty (cobbled) streets, the amazing buildings, many of them as they have always been, some of them however decaying. The smell of fish cooking (something this girl likes and Master does  not), the lovely wine and the beer. Master taking control of the map and pouring over it at each street corner as He looked for the next place He was taking this girl to see. The music; Fado which He introduced this girl to, and which she loved listening to as they ate dinner (though the second evening’s experience was better than the first). Master with His camera, taking so much care to get the right shot, while this girl has taken 5 of her own, in her own natural way.
The trip was not without its problems, mainly the one where neither of our cases appeared on the baggage carousel. Master’s arrived on Wednesday and this girl’s appears now to be in Lisbon, though it has not yet caught up with her. This meant Monday morning was spent hunting toiletries, and Tuesday morning spent in a shopping mall buying clothes. But in a way this just added to the experience. There were no tears, tantrums or arguments. In the end we just laughed about the misfortune of not being able to wear certain clothes or do certain things. We were both able to wear clean clothes at the very point where wearing our dirty clothes stopped being an option. Plus this girl finds the smell of her Master very very sexy.
One of the downsides of Master’s luggage going missing was that His toys were in His case. But, even though the Hitachi (nor anything else He had in there) failed to made an appearance, this girl certainly didn’t go without being the object of His pleasure. This girl’s favourite time was usually after waking, but before the need to get up for breakfast. A time when Master used His girl and she worshipped Him in the way He likes and expects.
When you put all of that together, it was a very special time indeed.
The timing had a particular purpose. Now that anniversary is done with, this girl needs to move things on at home. The next challenge.

Reclaiming His girl

This girl didn’t really know what to expect, after all He had just spent the night on a plane, flying across America and the Atlantic. This girl remembers the last time she did that, and how she felt. Mind you she did deal with a dying cat that day, while hubby lay in bed. But that is another story.

They had no sooner arrived at Master’s house than He had her on her knees sucking His cock. Reminding her Who owned her and how much she loved to worship.

Then He set about reclaiming the rest of the body that this girl already knew He owned, but which He wished to repossess. For His own.

Within the first hour (maybe less), this girl had also been granted 5 orgasms.

For a while He appeared to be asleep, this girl lay spooned against Him and drifted off too. Suddenly though He was awake and very soon after she was able to take Him in her mouth and to taste His seed. How she relished that after nearly 4 weeks.

Then He really did sleep. For a while this girl, who hasn’t been sleeping well did too. Then she lay watching him, and later read her book. Being close to Him was all that mattered. During that time this girl found herself relaxing into her submission and thinking about her desire to be His slave.

Eventually though He was awake and Master and this girl spent a good couple of hours just being together. We talked about this girl’s submission and how it had developed beyond what either of us had imagined. But for much of the time, this girl just experienced that whole thing in reality. His touch, His words, the look in His eyes.

His words – “who owns you?”  – “You Master”. “Who are you?”  – “this girl”.

This girl is slave to Her Master, but the finer details of what that means are still to be discussed.

This girl just knows that this is right. For her, for Him. Right now.

This girl feels she has been reclaimed. She feels thoroughly owned.

End of a difficult week – what this girl has learnt

This girl’s emotions have been all over the place this week. It is still hard to imagine how it is that this girl can feel almost euphoric one moment and then anxious, afraid and tearful the next. What this girl has learnt this week though is that rather than always covering up her feelings and just trying to cope, there is usually someone in life who will help you through. Or of course share the good things in life.

The contact with Master has helped, even when we have discussed difficult issues. He is an amazing source of sensible strength to this girl. Plus His wry and often a little left of centre, sense of humour makes this girl laugh even when she is feeling down.

As this girl has mentioned before, she doesn’t always find it easy to make friends. But suddenly this girl is making new friends in new ways. Ones who she doesn’t have to hide certain areas of her life from. This girl is discovering a network of people who can support each other and share times, both good and bad.

Being there for family is easier when you are being supported by others, whether they are friends, family or Master. This girl’s dad has deteriorated a little more, and yesterday was spent in a hospital trying to get his pain management sorted out (thankfully with success). While this girl was tired when she got home, she felt that something good will come of the day. In the past, given that hubby and son were home, she would have passed up the chance of an hour with Master. But having realised what is important to this girl’s well being and to His, she didn’t do that. As the relationship with hubby moves to yet a different phase – one where he has to recognise this girl has other important people in her life who are not part of his – that was an important step.

So the weekend approaches. This time this girl will mix getting things done with having some fun with friends and also with family. Tonight a chance to see a nephew and niece that this girl doesn’t see often enough.

Then after the weekend, Master will be on His way home. For the first time she can be His slave in person.

This girl kind of can’t wait for that, but knows she must be patient.

Vulnerability and emotions

I have rarely been the kind of person to show my vulnerable side, to let people see that I hurt. Indeed in recent years, even when falling apart inside, I rarely cried. People were more likely to see me display other emotions such as irritation or anger. Often people may have wrongly labelled me and definitely people have found me a little unapproachable, scary even.

Over the course of many years, I have built barriers around me. Scared that by showing my vulnerabilities people would see me as weak and unable to cope with the normal problems life throws at you.

Slowly though, with the help of friends and of my Master, those barriers, walls even are coming down. For someone not necessarily used to the feelings that accompany this, I am finding that I am more fearful than perhaps I was. Fearful of allowing my more vulnerable side to show when I don’t really want or need that to happen. In the past I rarely cried, I hardly ever felt close to tears, now it almost feels that they are just waiting there all of the time.

Yesterday morning, after an almost sleepless night – the knowledge hubby was about to reappear after several days away, too much thinking on my part, a feeling that my productive weekend hadn’t quite been fun enough, while Master was off enjoying His – I got into the shower. Suddenly and without warning I started to cry. While the water washed off of my body, tears ran down my face. For a few seconds, I felt stupid. What did I have to cry about? But then, I just let it happen, let my anxieties and fears fall away. After drying myself, I stood in front of the mirror naked and re-marked myself. I told my reflection out loud that this girl, this slut, belongs to her Master (this is a new rule), and tried to get those negative thoughts from my head. Suddenly I felt stronger. More able to face the day. There is definitely something about reaffirming to myself that I am owned by Him that helps me. Added to this the text I received from Him reaffirming that I am not completely alone helped me feel ready to face the day. A coffee which I grabbed on the way into work helped wake up my brain and face a day in the office.

Last evening after work, I got my time with Master. We discussed how I have been feeling and again the tears felt close, but didn’t emerge. Just seeing him and feeling His support and understanding of my needs made me feel stronger. It wasn’t that I didn’t feel I shouldn’t cry if I needed to, it was that suddenly I didn’t need to.

I am vulnerable right now, and I acknowledge that. But with the support of my friends and my Master I will emerge stronger and more able to deal with what life throws at me, perhaps without seeming unapproachable or in the least scary!

Saturday thoughts

i like Saturdays. The one day of the week when i nether have to go to work today or tomorrow, don’t get me wrong, i do like work, i enjoy my job very much, but i also like days when i don’t work. On Saturdays i tend to get up early. I tend not to sleep late these days and actually i like to get up when the house is quiet and i like to get my laptop out and see what is going on in the webworld. Lately i like, while i am alone, to think about what has happened, might happen and blog about it here. Pain’s Pleasure’s blog post yesterday has inspired the words i am writing this morning.

For the last few months, since i decided to explore more about D/s i have read so much both online and off. I have been struck by just how much information is out there and just how many well thought out, well written words there are out there for people like me to find. i have also been struck by how welcoming people can be to their community when you happen to stumble across it and leave a mark or two of your own. As i have mentioned before, i don’t even have friends i can talk about the state of my marriage with, let alone discuss what i like to do with the man i am illicitly having an affair with. So being offered the hand of contact and perhaps in time virtual friendship is very welcome.

I am struck by the extent to which the blog world provides an opportunity to see such a wide range of lifestyles and interests, while at the same time feeling like a community. i found this before when blogging about nursing. Through writing a nursing / work related blog, i have found that our lives while different, are often so so similar. i have found that people across the world with similar interests have many more similarities than they do differences. The same seems to go for the BDSM world. As with nursing, there are many specialities, different ways of living the lifestyle, but something brings those people together. My blog roll here is getting longer and this is now one of the first places i come to when turing on my computer. i love to see what has been happening to people, or how their wonderful vivid imaginations are working. i enjoy thinking about the lifestyles people are living and wondering if that is something i would want to consider.

Would i want to live a 24/7 lifestyle, could i do it?  Possibly, and certainly i would like the opportunity to live it much more than i am now.

Am i slave material? Probably not, i am probably much too mouthy, far too used to being controlling over my own life. I am also not sure about domestic discipline type stuff – this is one of many things that Fondlers Anonymous has been discussing here

Do i want to be spanked more, given that Sir isn’t really all that keen on inflicting pain in that way? Mind you he has got the hang of causing pretty acute pain to my nipples and breasts once he realised what it did to my ability to submit. So maybe.

So as i get on with Saturday, and i must get on with the less enjoyable part (ironing then shopping to do), before getting onto more fun things (a walk and lunch with hubby), i have to say a big thank you to the people i have met online so far, to those whose blogs are helping expand my mind and thoughts and who have welcomed me into their world.

While at times i am really struggling with my emotions, i can honestly say i am feeling much happier with life than i was 3 months ago when all this began for me. Of course alot of that is about my lovely Master, but much of it is about so much more!