30 Days of submission revisited, 22 – 26

22) Can you feel submissive without a dominant partner? If so, how does your submission express itself? If not, how do you handle your submission or submissive feelings?

This girl believes the submissive feelings were there when she had no Dominant, but essentially she suppressed them. Much of the time, this girl didn’t know why she felt the way she did, didn’t realise what she was missing. Having been in this particular relationship, experiencing a different level of submission than before, brings forward its own fears. This girl fears a day when she has no Dominant partner again and how she would be able to cope and to manage her life without control and without structure. At the moment, this girl does not want to think about that and instead, will embrace the fact that Master is in her life. 

23) Is there anything about submission (yours or what you see in others) that you question, dislike or repels you? Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own submissive feelings?

This girl recognises that every D/s or M/s relationship is different, just as all relationships per say are also different. This girl wouldn’t particularly question the lives others lead, not is she particularly repelled about those lives. This girl is learning about what submission means to her, and as such wouldn’t even begin to wonder where it will all end up. Yes, this girl has wondered about her submission, and at times has found it difficult to cope with. As this girl gives up more of herself to her Master, so at times she has felt frightened. Particularly when He isn’t around to provide the control this girl feels she needs. This girl is sure, though, that over time these feelings will subside as she develops coping strategies. 

24) What are the emotions that most directly led you to access submission? What feelings do they inspire?

The first time this girl was called names that should have made her feel worthless, the first time this girl was told to kneel for another, the first time this girl was told to cum for another. These are all things that made this girl feel good, rather than bad or worthless. This girl found that she was turned on by having control for herself taken away. With Master, this girl felt her submission on the first day they met for real. She doesn’t know why or how, since none of the above had actually happened yet. He touched this girl and she not only felt aroused, but she also felt something in His voice, His touches that reassured her and made her feel her submission returning.

Now, over 4 months later, being called a slut. Being asked who owns her, being asked who she is and replying ‘this girl’, promote a feeling of safety, of being wanted and cared for. Submission feels like a warm place, a place that this girl wants to stay in. It is when this girl is stressed and without the feeling He is watching over her that this girl feels the fear of a loss of submission. 

25) Are there items, objects or rituals that represent or help you express submission? If not, have you ever thought of adding or being gifted one? Is there a special significance to these objects or rituals?

The first thing that Master and this girl used to help with her submission was the butt plug. This girl used this quite a bit when Master was away recently and probably needs to use if more when she feels it hard focus on her submission.

The other key thing is the piercings. This girl touches the nipple jewellery quite a few times a day as a reminder.

This girl thinks that rituals are important to her, and knows how important it is to stand in front of the mirror daily (even when she doesn’t want to), and tell her reflection who owns her and who she is.

26) What are the qualities you seek in a dominant partner and why? Are some qualities deal-breakers as in “must” haves or “must not” have?

So far this girl hasn’t actually looked for a Dominant partner, they have more like just happened along at the right time.

The main thing right now would be consistency and Trust. That He was consistent in His approach and that there could be complete trust between us. Further than that, well, this girl is flexible and anyway is currently being trained to meet the needs of the man who is currently her Master. Anything else is for the future.

30 Days of submission revisited, 22 – 26

22) Can you feel submissive without a dominant partner? If so, how does your submission express itself? If not, how do you handle your submission or submissive feelings?

This girl believes the submissive feelings were there when she had no Dominant, but essentially she suppressed them. Much of the time, this girl didn’t know why she felt the way she did, didn’t realise what she was missing. Having been in this particular relationship, experiencing a different level of submission than before, brings forward its own fears. This girl fears a day when she has no Dominant partner again and how she would be able to cope and to manage her life without control and without structure. At the moment, this girl does not want to think about that and instead, will embrace the fact that Master is in her life. 

23) Is there anything about submission (yours or what you see in others) that you question, dislike or repels you? Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own submissive feelings?

This girl recognises that every D/s or M/s relationship is different, just as all relationships per say are also different. This girl wouldn’t particularly question the lives others lead, not is she particularly repelled about those lives. This girl is learning about what submission means to her, and as such wouldn’t even begin to wonder where it will all end up. Yes, this girl has wondered about her submission, and at times has found it difficult to cope with. As this girl gives up more of herself to her Master, so at times she has felt frightened. Particularly when He isn’t around to provide the control this girl feels she needs. This girl is sure, though, that over time these feelings will subside as she develops coping strategies. 

24) What are the emotions that most directly led you to access submission? What feelings do they inspire?

The first time this girl was called names that should have made her feel worthless, the first time this girl was told to kneel for another, the first time this girl was told to cum for another. These are all things that made this girl feel good, rather than bad or worthless. This girl found that she was turned on by having control for herself taken away. With Master, this girl felt her submission on the first day they met for real. She doesn’t know why or how, since none of the above had actually happened yet. He touched this girl and she not only felt aroused, but she also felt something in His voice, His touches that reassured her and made her feel her submission returning.

Now, over 4 months later, being called a slut. Being asked who owns her, being asked who she is and replying ‘this girl’, promote a feeling of safety, of being wanted and cared for. Submission feels like a warm place, a place that this girl wants to stay in. It is when this girl is stressed and without the feeling He is watching over her that this girl feels the fear of a loss of submission. 

25) Are there items, objects or rituals that represent or help you express submission? If not, have you ever thought of adding or being gifted one? Is there a special significance to these objects or rituals?

The first thing that Master and this girl used to help with her submission was the butt plug. This girl used this quite a bit when Master was away recently and probably needs to use if more when she feels it hard focus on her submission.

The other key thing is the piercings. This girl touches the nipple jewellery quite a few times a day as a reminder.

This girl thinks that rituals are important to her, and knows how important it is to stand in front of the mirror daily (even when she doesn’t want to), and tell her reflection who owns her and who she is.

26) What are the qualities you seek in a dominant partner and why? Are some qualities deal-breakers as in “must” haves or “must not” have?

So far this girl hasn’t actually looked for a Dominant partner, they have more like just happened along at the right time.

The main thing right now would be consistency and Trust. That He was consistent in His approach and that there could be complete trust between us. Further than that, well, this girl is flexible and anyway is currently being trained to meet the needs of the man who is currently her Master. Anything else is for the future.

30 days of submission revisited 17-21

17) What does trust mean to you in the context of submission?

Trust is an extremely important aspect of this girl’s relationship with Master. The trust that this girl needs to have that He will care for her and keep her safe from harm is part of that. But since this girl is part of a three way polyamorous relationship, means that the need for trust is an even greater issue. While this girl writes these words, Master is 6000 miles away in bed with His other slave. That knowledge is something that this girl is coming to terms with much more and is an area where she must trust Him to manage both relationships in a way that is best for us all.

As this girl gives more to Master, in terms of herself, her body and mind then the need to trust Him increases. This process is happening over time and requires trust in Him, it also requires that she trust her own instincts and give herself totally to Him.

18) Very often the stereotype of submission is that the submissive person loses the ability to have an opinion. While that clearly isn’t true except in the absolute rarest of occasions, how does communication factor into your submission and how do you communicate your desires and needs?

Master encourages this girl to communicate her needs and her feelings. He is also very happy to hear her opinion (most of the time). But, this girl has discovered that while He definitely listens, and hears her point of view, He then makes His own decision on what is best. This girl trusts that He will take her feelings in to account when making decisions on the things they do and if He takes a different view to hers, it will be the right one. That of course, doesn’t always stop this girl from arguing but she knows who has the final word.

19) How socially connected is your submission? Do you look for others to talk to about your submission for support or networking? Do you go to events or connect through another sort of social grouping either in person or online?

This girl has one special real life friend she met through Fetlife who she sees regularly and whom has become a great source of support. We meet every couple of months, but email most weeks. We confide in each other and have supported each other through one or two difficulties. This girl has a newer friend, destiny, who she met through both her Master and hers, via Alt.com. We have not yet been able to meet in person, but have been chatting on Skype regularly. This has happened as both of our Masters are far away from us right now. We will definitely keep those chats up once my Master gets back and hope to meet in the not too distance future when she visits the UK. This girl also has a couple of people who she has ‘met’ through this blog. People who this girl communicates with by email and who have similar experiences to her own. This girl is really pleased that she now has some people in her life who she can support and be supported by through this journey. For now, that feels like enough on top of that of her Master.

20) Has your submission increased or decreased over time? Have you ever had to renegotiate your submission due to a change in your feelings or circumstance?

This girl’s submission has increased over the past 4 months, thanks to the guidance of her Master and the support of friends. This girl is learning to accept and embrace her submission in a way she never thought was possible. She accepts that she has lots to learn still and loves that Master has accepted the role of teacher in this area of her life. After He returns home this week, this girl is sure that there will be some discussion about the next steps in her submission and their relationship as a whole. This girl is looking forward to that.

21) Is there a physical position that makes you feel most submissive?

Any position in which Master asks this girl to display herself to Him makes her feel more submissive. Also stripping off her clothes for Him has the same effect. Indeed, stripping off and spending time naked also helps. This girl has been doing a bit of that this last couple of weeks when at home alone.

Each morning this girl stands in front of her mirrored wardrobe and tells the reflection who she is and who owns her. That ritual helps this girl to feel more submissive too.

30 days of submission revisited – Days 12-16

The last day of May and another few days of 30 days of submission revisited.

12) Do you include financial submission within the definition of your own submission and if yes, how does it manifest itself? If no, is there a particular reason why? Are you familiar with the concepts of financial submission? Do you have an opinion about financial submission in general?

This girl can’t imagine that she would ever wish to include her entire finances to anyone else. The financial security that she has now is down to her own hard work and she has been badly burned in the past by her own husband and family members. As someone who once had to cut up her debit card and send it back to the bank and then was forced to use a joint account for years, this girl intends to always keep her finances within her own control.

Having said all of that. This girl thinks there might be some particular occasions that she would like to give her Master particular elements of financial control. The first thing this girl is thinking about is their impending trip to Lisbon (towards the end of June). This girl likes to pay her way, but is used to controlling all the finances when on holiday and finds that very stressful. This girl would like to suggest to her Master that she give Him her spending money and then He controls it. That way she gets to completely submit (they have already discussed that He should control her access to her mobile phone for that trip) to Him for those few days without any concerns at all. She can devote herself to Him. This girl thinks she would like that very much.

13) Is sexual availability, being available to your partner at any time he or she wants, part of your submission/? Why or why not? Are there limits to this?

This girl, being the slut she is loves this part of her submission. Part of it is definitely the fact He wants and demands that availability, makes it clear how much her availability is a turn on for Him. Master likes His girl without underwear when they are together; He likes to be able to touch Her intimately when they are out in a public place. This girl is all for the whole slutty humiliation thing. Limits? Well, of course this girl can’t be with Him the whole time. Otherwise though this girl puts her trust and her body in the hands of Her Master on this one!

14) Does religion have any bearing on your decision to submit? If not, are you familiar with religious based submission and do you view it as similar to other types of submission or dissimilar?

There is no religion in this relationship other than the fact that this girl worships Master and particularly His cock. That this girl guesses wasn’t what was being asked.

15) Has your submission evolved over time? If so, how has it evolved for you and if not (or if you are just starting out) how might you see or imagine it evolving in the future?

This girl’s submission has not only evolved and changed since her first D/s relationship, but has also done so over the past 4 months since she and Master met. What is more this girl feels there is more much more to discover on that front.

As of today, this girl has not seen her Master in the flesh for 3 weeks and 3 days. That time of absence, while incredibly difficult has given this girl and Master time to think about their relationship and about this girl’s submission. This girl knows that her Master is looking forward to her learning about herself as His slave. A journey that this girl is really just about to embark on.

Some subtle changes are about the way in which this girl is willing to give up the power and control she has over herself and much of her life to Him. Gradually this girl feels herself becoming a more relaxed and thoughtful person, but one who knows where her priorities lie. There is much more to come on this area of girl’s life. This girl knows that Master is looking forward to nurturing it.

16) Have you found your submission has changed with different partners / relationships? If you’re involved with partners of both sexes, does your submission relate or change based on gender or does it depend on the person?

This girl imagines that all relationships are different, since all Dominants are different. It stands to reason that there will be different expectations and needs and in order to be able to meet those needs the submissive may well need to adapt and change a little. This relationship though is this girl’s first proper D/s relationship and consequently she is finding out what submission means and feels like in a whole new way. Master has the experience to guide his girl and what is more He is clear about what He expects from her. This makes the changes easier to manage, in fact they pretty much happen without girl noticing till afterwards. The changes relate to her behaviour both when they are together and apart, to the way in which He reminds her she needs to concentrate by switching into the third person with her, by the way she dresses for Him, knowing it pleases and by embracing the pain and humiliation He gives. This girl knows who owns her, all of her.

Service

The area relating to service is day 11 of the 30 days of submission. I am devoting a whole post to this question because in this girl’s opinion this is the area that there has been the greatest shift in understanding about the role of the submissive / slave. The question is:

Do you include service as a part of your expectations of your submission? How do you define service? What does it mean to you? If not, what is it about the concept of service that is not for you? 

This is what this girl wrote last time:

Our relationship is not about me providing any kind of service for Him other than that i am there to serve His cock. Our time together is precious; there isn’t nearly enough of it. So most of that time is spent doing the things that have previously been described in this series of posts – those things have a high level of sexual content and / or involve me submitting myself to being humiliated.  So i guess that f there is service it is sexual. 

I would happily submit to elements of serving my Sir, but he has said many times that He doesn’t want me to prepare him food or drink, clear up after him or to provide any kind of grooming task. Luna KM has a great article on the meaning behind service here, and it is clear from reading it that this is not me and it is not what He wants. 

This girl has learned over the last few months that while providing sexual service is very very important, service for a person who is in a submissive relationship is not necessarily just about that. Instead service for the submissive is about so much more, and this girl is just beginning to get that message.

Master is interested in every aspect of this girl’s life. What is more, He is interested in knowing and helping her understand that everything this girl does within her life should relate directly back to her submission. Further more that any task this girl undertakes in any context is undertaken for his pleasure. In short this girl provides service to her Master in every aspect of her life.

Ok, so this has been a transitional week for this girl. She started as submissive and ended as slave.  But this girl is not sure that matters since she already understood the concept. But it was not something she understood at all in 2012.

In 2014 this girl expects to give sexual service, that pretty much goes without saying.

But on top of that she will serve her Master in whatever way He wishes. She embraces that everything she does is a reflection on Him and that when she undertakes a home or work based task she does that task with Him in mind. Master believes that taking this approach helps this girl focus and by focusing being more effective and achieving much more. When it is evident that she has carried out His wishes in this way, He is pleased with her and tells her so.

That makes this girl very happy indeed.

30 Days of submission – The return part 2

The second part of my revisit of the 30 days of submission, which I first looked at in 2012/13

6) What do you feel are the roots of your submission? Do you think it has something to do with childhood? Is it a relationship management tool as in the practice of domestic discipline? Is it a sexual thrill or something else?

This girl had no idea that not everyone has the desire to provide service to people – to do things for them, to make sure they are comfortable and have what they need. To nurture and care. She did this at home for her brothers, particularly the younger of the two and in turn they let her do as much as possible for them. This girl’s mother was only too pleased to encourage her daughter to do as many chores as she wanted, especially in the school holidays. At times ok, she was bossy, but who wouldn’t be with two younger brothers? Later she sought to care for her husband, she willingly took on all of the housework and loved to cook and clean for them both. Gradually though, with a small child and a full time job, it all became too much. He and others around her took her for granted. Now, her family just assume that if they call she will be there. There is a assumption that this girl will run around after everyone, to an extent this goodwill has been abused.

Now though this girl would like to think about serving another in a different way. She wants to care for herself and perhaps for Sir (not necessarily in the way described above, though nothing is beyond what she would do), but through her submission. She wants to feel that he approves of the things she does for herself and others and that also she knows when to say no. She loves the feeling that Sir appreciates it when the girl cooks for Sir, for example. But knows that he is pleased when she does the things at home and work she needs to do. While this isn’t taken for granted or expected, he sees this as a way she can serve him. She has also learned that she wishes to submit sexually to him, she wishes to feel his control and she wishes to know he is pleased with her. She loves to hear him tell she is a ‘good girl’ and that she is ‘pleasing’.

7) Do you accept and/or expect discipline or punishments as a part of your submission? How do you feel about it

This girl is learning to do things in the way Sir wants them to be done and to do things that she knows will please him. So far there has been little in the way of overt discipline or punishment. Sir and this girl have discussed punishment and he is of the view that it is difficult to punish this girl easily given that some of the punishments that could be administered might be enjoyed. He feels ignoring girl and not giving her attention could be an answer, but so far this has not happened.

8) Is spanking or corporal punishment a part of your submission? Why or why not?

This girl had little experience of spanking before she came into this relationship. S though really introduced it, using his hand, the riding crop and even once or twice a belt. S though is no sadist and preferred other approaches.

This girl is in the very early stages of her training when it comes to spanking. Sir has used a number of implements on her and she has received a spanking from His hand. This girl has much more to learn and Sir has much more to give to His girl when it comes to spanking. This girl looks forward to such education.

9) Do you accept and/or expect structure, rules and limits as a part of your submission? How do you feel about them? 

So far there are few rules. But this girl is expecting the structure and rules to increase very soon. Sir, or Master as He is becoming, knows that this girl needs much more structure in her life so that she can focus more effectively on what she needs to do and Who she does it for. This girl craves this change in her life and will embrace whatever her Master wants to introduce in this context. This girl is ready.

As for limits. This girl and her Master pretty much know what her limits are currently and He is busy pushing them.

10) Does any element of BDSM occur as a part of your submissive relationships? How do you feel about BDSM? Is it core to your submission, peripheral or non-existent (other than the submission part)?

When Sir plays with this girl there is much more to what they do than submission and Dominance. This girl loves to be restrained, she particularly likes the spreader bar. She also likes to be gagged and blindfolded. Restraint relaxes this girl and helps her find her submission more quickly. This girl is also beginning to love the effect of the violet wand. She is finding her inner pain slut something she never really knew was there.

In fact there is very little, if anything that this girl can say she hasn’t enjoyed so far (though at the time she would never, never admit such a thing. Especially when it comes to that nasty zipper!

30 days of submission – The return

Since this girl is in a new relationship and since her submission has significantly changed (in her own eyes). She has decided to revisit the 30 days of submission she completed in 2012/13. Since this whole things takes an age doing it one day at a time, she will complete these in batches.

1) Does your submission – either what you practice or what you strive for – have a label? Do you view your submission as Taken in Hand, domestic discipline, top/bottom, dominant/submissive, master/slave, owner/pet, or some other description or combination? If you do not use a label, why?


This relationship is based on Dominance and submission. This girl pretty much submitted to Sir on the first day they met for real. There seems to be something about the things He says to her and the way He says them that have a significant effect. Having said that, she is also desperate to submit.
This girl is at a place in her life where she needs to change some things. She needs to find someone to be properly submissive to. This is not about what happens in the bedroom. It isn’t even about BDSM per say, but it is about her need to submit and submit to the right man.
This girl suspects she is slave material, but reserves judgement since the experiences she is having now are so new. The extent to which she can and will submit are unknown. Sir is also wondering about this and since He already has a slave, perhaps He won’t be the Man she is slave to. This girl doesn’t know and for now doesn’t particularly care.

2) Describe who you might submit to and how. Are you exclusively submissive in marriage or just in the bedroom? Are you submissive only in the context of a scene or in a role or throughout your daily life? Are you submissive to play partners or only in the context of a relationship?

Submission for this girl is developing into something that happens more within daily life than before. In the past submission was definitely part of a scene or getting ready for one. Increasingly this girl is handing over more control of herself to Sir, those areas of life where in reality she doesn’t need or desire it. This girl sees that more and more she will not make decisions that are important without discussing them with Him and ultimately seeking and receiving his permission to take a particular route. Increasing this is becoming a need rather than a desire.

3) How do you know you are submissive or have the potential to be submissive? How do you feel when you express your submission?

Over the past 2 years, this girl has learned to recognise that the feelings she has had about herself for her whole life amount to a submissive personality. She seeks always to put others before herself, she seeks to please, she seeks to belong to be treasured, owned even. For many years this girl’s life was contradictory, on one hand she did everything for her family, doing pretty much all of the domestic chores including decorating and the garden, providing care for her son, being there and doing as much as possible for the wider family. At family events, this girl was not the one sitting chatting, rather she was in the kitchen, helping with the barbecue, filling peoples glasses, taking the children to the park….
On the other hand, because her husband often couldn’t make decisions, this girl usually made them on behalf of them both. Where and when to go on holiday, booking tickets, arranging nights out. Meanwhile he would complain about those decisions, despite not being willing to take any responsibility himself.

This girl now knows that this is not the path she desires to take any more. She needs to give up control in order to find a deeper happiness within.

Submission for this girl now puts her into a peaceful and happy state. By completely releasing herself to the care of her Master, this girl is able to do anything He wishes her to but without her now feeling that she is some kind of door mat for doing so. She loves to be used by Him for His needs and She needs to feel his control over everything she does. Only then does she feel that inner peace and deeper personal satisfaction.

4) Do you switch into a dominant role at any time? 

This girl would say that any sign of dominance this girl ever had is fast receding even in the work and family situation. Yes this girl can be assertive, she can and does take charge of situations. But increasingly she finds she can do what she needs and still feel her own submission. Increasingly she is letting others take the lead, perhaps without them even realising anything has changed. To do this, she has made a conscious effort and has been able to do so with Sir’s help and support. As far as this girl can see dominance will have no part in her future role in life.

If you are in a domestic discipline relationship, are there things that you maintain control over? 

That is not this girl’s current role but in future who knows? However this girl would always want control of her own finances and the ability to choose (with consultation and agreement) who she were friends etc with.

Are you a “switch” in BDSM terms? If not, have you ever thought about it or given thought to why it’s not for you?

This girl can’t imagine being a ‘switch’. It is highly likely that from time to time she could be accused of being ‘bratty’ or even attempting to ‘bottom from the top’ but often that is because of some frustration coming through. No this girl’s Master is in charge and she knows it!

5) Have you been or are you in a dominant/submissive dynamic relationship or is this new to you? Have you been in more than one D/s relationship? How were they the same? How were they different? What is unique about your relationships in your mind?

As everyone who has read this blog for longer than a few days will know, this is the second D/s relationship this girl has been in. What is more this is very different. S started this girl on her path to submission and helped her see who and what she was. He gave her a taste for humiliation and for masochism, he helped her begin to see where her journey might take her. But that was not the right relationship for either of them (difficult as that realisation was for this girl at the time He ended things). The relationship with Sir is about much more than the bedroom than the one with S was. When this girl plays with Sir, it is also very different. Sir has an amazing array of toys. What is more, He knows how to use them. This girl finds it increasingly easy to find her submission and to find subspace during those sessions. Finally, this girl feels submissive during her whole life now, not just when she is in bed or playing with a dominant and that is very very different.

30 Days of Submission – Day 30

Is your need to submit being met? If not, or if your situation changed, do you think that you could continue in your life and still be happy/content if you were never able to express your submission in the way that feels best to you again? What makes submission special to you?

Well finally i have reached day 30, who would imagine 30 days would be such a long time (I started this in August!) Considering the events of the past 10 days or so, it is fitting that i should be answering this question now. This is because this is just what i face. The change in my situation that could easily happen would probably lead me to be without the submission i crave. Just now, i cannot contemplate that happening.

If anyone had told me at the beginning of this year that i would want to kneel before a man, and put my body at his disposal, i would have told them they were mad. But it is kneeling before him or indeed bending over for him so he can spank me, feel me, fuck me, do with me what he wants, that has made me feel like a real person at last. Faced now with the possibility that i could be forced to give all this up is something i cannot bear.

i have thought lots over the months and especially this past week, about what makes submission special. for me i think it is about giving all of myself to another. It is about being prepared to place myself in His hands, at his will and mercy. Then it is the feelings that this submission creates inside of me. Being tied up, wearing his collar, being spanked, being told to keep my legs open, being humiliated; all of those things make me overwhelmed with submissive feelings.

i know that i can’t do this with just anyone. i feel blessed to have met Sir and to have found my submission with Him. What i feel for him is very special and i think he knows that. i trust him and can’t wait to submit to him again very soon.

Photo Source: Badlittlemiss


30 Days of Submission – Day 29

Is pain or humiliation (spankings for example) a part of your submission? What is your relationship to it? Do you embrace it as a part of your submission, tolerate it as necessary or have some other type of relationship with it?

If someone had asked me this question this time last year, i would have told them that i embrace neither pain or humiliation. i would not have believed that sexual arousal is linked so closely to submission and that pain from clamped nipples and clit and a good spanking would practically give me an orgasm. i would never have believed i would dress in public like some kind of slut – clothes barely covering my underwear (or lack of it) and stocking tops. My willingness to do these things, to embrace both pain and humiliation isn’t something that comes without a significant person to do those things with and for. i am an exhibitionist but i am not about to parade in public for just anyone nor am i going to go up to any man in the street (or on fetlife or some chat room) and ask to be spanked.

I consider myself very lucky to have found someome special to be humiliated and spanked by. We hit it off from the first time we chatted online and then on the phone and clicked during our first meeting. So much so that we did things together that first night that neither of us can quite believe to this day. i put my trust in him and that trust has grown steadily. The humiliation was present from that first meeting. i walked into a bar wearing a very short skirt, a wrapover top which i wasn’t sure would remain wrapped over, stockings and heels. At his instruction i opened my legs for him for the first time in that bar (they have barely been closed in his presence since) and acted the slut picking up a stranger in a bar. It was almost not even fiction.

The pain came later and grew gradually. i admit to having a love hate relationship with it. Some pain i love and embrace readily, particularly when it involves my nipples. Pain there links directly to my pussy and puts me into an amazing place especially when combined with some firm pressure (for example pinching or clamping) of my clit. Spanking is a different thing. i want it, and when i get it part of me wants it to stop immediately, but the other part (the one where i am getting wetter) wants it to continue. Last time he used a belt on me and that was pretty painful but actually very pleasurable at the same time (especially when you look back at it from a distance of 10 days or so). We have more to explore in this area, more implements to try and luckily there are many bloggers to go to for advice on just what these might be. Lots and lots to look forward to.

As i have said before, we are at a point in the year when meeting will be more difficult, where arranging those meetings will be technically tricky. But writing this and being reminded of my submission and how much i love to submit to Him makes me want to overcome those logistical difficulties and embrace my submission through pain and humiliation soon.

30 Days of Submission – Day 28

Has your submission ever let you down? Have you ever been criticised for your submission? Have you ever regretted being or feeling submissive in a moment or in a relationship? Have you ever looked back and realised you made a mistake and how did you handle your submission going forward from that?

In the words of Edith Piaf: je regrette rien. This has been a year of learning about submission and so far i haven’t felt let down in any way, shape or form. i am not sure who is going to criticise me and even if they did, i think i am old enough and ugly enough to cope. Since this a non answer to a non question, perhaps i should move on to something else!

i am to go to work in crotchless red knickers tomorrow, in November. i am to make myself cum while at work and tell him about it when i see him on Saturday. On Saturday i am to wear the same crotchless knickers. He thinks that will be a big turn on, having me turn up in knickers that i have already cum in. Of course, since the knickers are crotchless, and barely cover anything they are unlikely to be too dirty even after all that wear. Of course you understand this is not my normal behaviour, i generally change  my underwear daily (when of course i am wearing it).

i was going to arrive to meet Sir in jeans on Saturday (i need to leave the house and return as i normally would to go shopping with a girlfriend). But of course joolz has quite a big mouth when she gets excited and somewhere during our conversation last night i agreed to arrive to meet him in crotchless red knickers (see above), stockings and suspenders, my newly purchased black suede boots and my new coat (not sure what else will be worn underneath yet, but not much i think. i am thinking that it is a good thing that the train station i arrive at in the capital City has recently been renovated. i am hoping this means that the ladies toilets are suitably clean, tidy and warm!

Still if a girl wants to be clamped and spanked she needs to make some sacrifices. Who wouldn’t dress like a slut, be humiliated and submit to get what she needs. Who could ever regret submission under these circumstances? Not me that’s for sure!