365 questions – 17th January

What are you grateful for?

Irritatingly this question is a little bit lot similar to the one posed on 2nd January. Still, since I have recently written on this blog that I often don’t finish things I start and don’t feel able to give up on day 17 of 365, here goes.

Today I am grateful for the time spent in the office actually sitting at my desk getting work done. I am grateful that today I only had one meeting and by going out as I did I was able to see the sun and the sky. It was a cold day, but it was bright and fresh. By going to the meeting I managed to get my 10,000+ steps for the first time since I got back from Brussels (as least I think). I am grateful that the meeting finished a little early and since there was no point in going back to the office, I also got home early. I am most grateful that my ex didn’t call in today, so I haven’t had to experience that.

I am grateful that today has on balance been a good day.

WTF?

This afternoon I sat in a room with the person who was my manager in 2012, we had a great chat about our working lives then and now. We both agreed that we worked in a toxic environment then and are happy to be where we are now.  The meeting finished just after 4 and since I had driven there I made my way home. Given that last evening I spent time looking at posts from 4 years ago that conversation feels relevant.  It took me back, once again to the place and person I was in 2012.  person who I know is different to the one I am now.

Arriving home tonight around 5.15, I know that he would pitch up pretty soon and is as is usual the ex turned up at around 5.30. Apparently my texts to him are too direct, I need to start my sentences with: “would you mind if” and some such. But this is how it is.

He takes a shower in our house every night since his lady friend has a 1970’s style bath, no shower. He hates a bath and hasn’t sat in one for years. Obviously he hasn’t been to the kind of places I have where they have a wonderful spa bath, or tried candles, bubbles and sparking wine at home (though let it not be this home)

Discussions were cordial but to  be frank this particular statement stuck in my mind:
“I still own half of this house, I pay £80 each month. I pay for Sky TV”
As I told him £80 is nothing in comparison to the mortgage, utility bills, council tax…….In excess of £600. If he didn’t pay the Sky TV bill I would cut it off. Who needs satellite TV (other than Master using the mobile app that comes with hubby’s deal to watch cricket) any way?
Then there is the apartment in France for which he pays nothing. Meanwhile for the past 3 years he has enjoyed 2 holidays a year, for the price of the flights.
I need to get out of this situation and to leave him to it. Really! WTF?

Where is my blogging mojo?

Over the last few weeks I have found it impossible to find the motivation to blog. I know that the urge to write ebbs and flows, I know that there are times when you can almost have too much to say and other times nothing. It isn’t as if there aren’t things to say about my life with Master, about family stuff, about the ex hubby.

Master and I are settled into something of a routine, a weekend at his place, one at mine. Sometimes a get together in between. There hasn’t been all that much kink lately, but to be honest I am not worried so long as we have the occasional playtime. There is plenty of sex and there is the general undercurrent of our M/s dynamic. It is there and we both know it. We go out and we have fun. We also stay in and just chill out. We cook, together and separately and we are both pretty content. Maybe being content doesn’t make for the need to write anything much.

Within the family we have just had the first anniversary of my dad’s death. It has been harder than I imagined to pass that anniversary without feeling extremely reflective and, yes, sad. It has probably been a good thing to look back and remember, to think about the events of those last weeks. To remember the closeness that developed between us as a family, also the closeness that came about between Master and I as he supported me though. Sometimes I am so settled in my life as it is now, it is difficult to acknowledge that a year ago we had only really just started to get to know each other. We were just weeks into the knowledge that we were in a relationship with just each other and not with me as the third as had been the case before. Everyone in my family knows that Master and I are a couple now, we don’t need to hide but we do tend to live our own lives. We don’t tend to mix family and our relationship too much and that suits us fine.

Lastly there is the whole marriage thing. I need to get on with the splitting the assets and divorce thing. But it has taken hubby this long to get to a reasonably stable place emotionally, plus I have needed this time to live a normal life without the stress of the family and relationship pressures of last year. But 2016 will be about getting that final separation and space between us. It will be about finding that last bit of myself and Master and I.

I haven’t left the blogging world. I will write again when I have something to say, I am just not sure if that will be in a day, a week or a month. I will get fired up about something soon, but at the moment, I am not sure what.

Thoughts

I have the urge to write this week as I manage the stresses involved in preparing for time away from work, home and family. I can’t wait to be away from those things and into a world where Master and I are together and I can be His slave for 24 hours a day.

Right now there are lots of reasons why time following the rules already set down would help me get myself back into a good place again. That is without any thoughts of new rules or suggestions instructions about how to move on with certain aspects of my life which are in the offing. As Master has said on a number of occasions, you need to be careful about what you wish for.

Mum is still in hospital, though her discharge is imminent. She has done well and the idea that she will return home post hip replacement while I am away in a foreign land fills my brothers with fear. At the same time I feel relief. Since my dad died she has had me on some kind of string which, while it has improved our relationship has at times been unhealthy for me. They need to take more responsibility and boy will they get it. I am sorry to say that my mum is a trifle difficult and at times not even a nice person. If this sounds unpleasant I am afraid to admit it is. But she is my mum and I am prepared to put up with her caustic tongue and demands in the main. But having Master help establish boundaries is a great help, for all concerned!

Work is busy. This is the busiest time for it –  our financial year ends on 31st March. Plus we are heading into an election and for those of us working in the public sector is means a period of storm before a calm and then hell……. We are sadly subject to politics and while the day job goes on, policy stops and then starts with vengeance once the election is over. We can only hope for continuing calmness in the coming months, but I won’t hold my breath.

Hubby no longer lives here, nor does my son who happily is living in domestic bliss with his girlfriend. So the time to finally sort out the house nears. Plus we are getting close to 2 years of separation so a divorce looms. Energy is needed and will be found for that last push.

So that leaves Master and I.

We are two people of middle age who enjoy each others company. When we are out together most people wouldn’t have any idea that the dynamic between us is any different from any other. Maybe people (if they notice) might wonder why I, as a woman of a certain age wear no bra. They probably won’t realise that i wear no knickers. Not that I particular worry about these things, given that I am so slutty. The time away in Spain will allow me to start to reintroduce dresses rather than the trousers and jeans that have been a feature during the winter.

Further, when Master hands me a ticket to pass through a barrier at the station, and I then hand it back to him, will go un noticed. But I am not permitted to carry such tickets (Ok, so the oyster card is different since otherwise we wouldn’t be able to travel around London).

When we are out for dinner, I rarely order food for myself and never wine.

The dynamic we have is now a natural one for us both. I am available for Him and He accesses my body when He wishes.  I am respectful and will generally be calling Him Master rather than Graeme.

But I do seek more, probably need more.

This time together will help us to determine what that looks and feels like for us both.

This is a break away from the world that we both need. Plus we will have some great times, of that I am sure.

I am taking my phone, camera and iPad. I plan to post a little, perhaps some photos and a word or two here or there. Maybe this will be a travel blog with a word or two of kink for a while. That might be fun too.

Disorganised

For all of my working life I have often been surprised about my ability to retain information and to organise myself. Give me a while in a job and I can give the impression of being an expert – I like to read around the topic, I listen and observe. I was recruited to my current job because I really do have an expertise and despite a while away from this field I was able to impress at interview. I like to write lists, but generally they are not required – I come back to them later and tick everything off as I have already done them. I tend to know where things are, I can picture in my head where I last saw them. I have an electronic diary, but I don’t need to look in it, as I know what I am doing.

The trouble is that at the moment, while I am still able to speak with knowledge and authority on my subject (I haven’t forgotten it just yet), I am forgetting other important things. Forgetting to do things, despite writing them down (perhaps I should look at that list), getting muddled with what is and isn’t in my diary and this week I missed a deadline. On Wednesday I attended a meeting I had wrongly turned up to on the previous day (confused that it was not in my diary for Tuesday I actually added it in!) Later that day, I disbelieved the time of a meeting in my diary and was subsequently 20 minutes late. Later still I spent 45 minutes looking for some papers which later turned up at home (even when I was looking I had a hunch that I might know where they were).

I am getting stressed with my sudden lack of organisational skills, this is so not like me. I am also getting anxious when I can’t contact him, or I try to and for whatever reason he doesn’t respond. I hate this to happen and feel that I should get on with being at work as I always have and not seek contact at all.

Sir is getting worried about me and I really don’t like to do that.  He worries all of this is in some way linked to me giving up control in other ways.  Perhaps that could partly be true. But also I think it might be linked to the menopause which appears to be gathering momentum.

After 8 months without a period, during which time I had a reasonable number of hot flushes which were irritating. Things settled and for 2 months it was like I was back to normal. But this last month, no period and constant hot flushes and night sweats. Plus my mood is distinctly hormonal – up and down like a yo yo.

While I am loving the opportunity to give up control in many areas of my personal life with Sir. I do not need to give up control at work, and I do not need the stress that goes with it.  Whatever the cause I need to find better ways of managing these feelings. Better ways of coping.

Sir is going to be away for a few weeks soon and will be on a different time zone. He will have other priorities and I don’t want to cause him stress. I also don’t want to cause myself this level of stress. I need to sort myself out.

3 Years ago today and The last item I purchased

I barely remember what I was doing last week, so asking me to think back 3 years is a massive challenge. In April 2010 I think I was getting on with life, I was busy doing a job that I didn’t completely enjoy and living a life that was ok but nothing special. My son had gone off to University the previous autumn, so I was getting used to the empty nest. I was probably irritated with hubby since I know that I was constantly irritated by him. But as for remembering April 2nd 2010; no I can’t do that.

Thursday was my last day at work. I was made redundant effective from 31st March (Sunday) and so today, as I write this I am unemployed. Well this is not technically true since I have chosen to take early retirement. Because I have worked for the National Health Service for over 30 years, and have paid my pension since age 18 and since I started off as a nurse, I am entitled to retire on a full pension. I know I am only 50 and doing such a thing seems strange, but actually it gives me lots of opportunities. I no longer need to work full time or indeed all of the time and for the first time in my life I have money to spend and money to invest.

On Friday I went to an electrical retailer near to my house and bought myself a MacBook Pro. I have always been a windows girl. We bought our first computer in the mid 1990s and that PC and subsequent purchases (various laptops) have often mirrored what I have used at work, even down to the office software. But since I have an iPhone, and since Christmas an iPad it feels like time to make the leap to Apple. I have spent the weekend playing with my new toy and while it is quite different from my previous laptop I am getting the hang of it thank you very much. I will go as far as to say, I think I am going to love it!

A close up of my day

Days here in the world of joolz are like like living in some kind of phony war. Have you ever seen any of those world war two films, where before any actual fighting begins, people carry around their gas masks and get into their shelters when the air raid warning sounds. Only for nothing to actual happen. Any day now things will change, but right now, life goes on.

In November i told hubby about Sir and around the same time, i was informed that if i didn’t find a new job by 31st March, i would be made redundant.

Life since then has meant that as far as anyone on the outside looking in could see, all was the same. But from inside things are very different. Each day i get up at the usual time (around 6.30am), do the usual stuff and arrive in work sometime between 8am and 9am depending on what the day might hold. i am lucky, since i can choose my start and finish time. Sometimes i work from home, but usually i go to the office. Sometimes i have meetings and sometimes i don’t. My job is about making sure that those who work in cancer care are supported to improve the experience of patients, and that they take account of the views of patients and their family in that care.

My job is now ending as the British Government has decided to make significant changes to my part of the health service. i don’t know if what i do will be done in the future and i don’t think that i can lose sleep over that any more.

At around 5pm to 5.30 (sometimes later) i arrive home (i only work about 30 mins away) and cook dinner. Sometimes hubby is here, but more often than not recently i am on my own. During the evening i will watch tv, read, surf the net or when i can chat to Sir online. Life is dull right now. But actually, it is pleasant, since it is currently still winter / spring. I go to bed at around 11pm.

Weekends involve some shopping, cleaning and relaxing a bit. Maybe some reading or needle work. Definitely a chat with Sir if hubby is away.

Soon all things will change. First my son will return from university for the Easter break and that will change the dynamics. He will make his presence felt, and i will enjoy that (except when he is treating the house as something of a staging post, a B&B), and i bet hubby will be here.

Then at the end of the month i will be redundant. My job will end and life will be different.

i have plans, exercise, walks, lunch with friends and family and generally interesting things. i also have work offers to consider but definitely my day will be different.

i plan to buy a new kitchen and to oversee its installation and i intend to take a holiday, perhaps on my own.

In the summer, son finishes his degree and comes home. Hopefully work will start to feature again for me. Plus hopefully hubby will sort out what he wants from home life.

At the same time there are the days and the nights with Sir, which i am hoping will increase during the coming weeks and months and which are totally different to the ones at home. i hope life will be a whole lot less dull, actually i expect that will be the case.

Three Quotations

Three things have been important to me this week (well probably more, but these spring to mind). So my three quotations reflect those three things:

Family – I took a day off this week to travel to a family funeral. My godmother, who is also a second cousin,  but call aunt, lost her husband, my uncle. I have wonderful memories of him, Uncle Ted, dancing with my aunt at parties, singing at family occasions and just being there giving us advice. He also loved to play cards; every family event ended with a game of cards.

So a family quote seems to be appropriate:

“You don’t choose your family. They are God’s gift to you, as you are to them” – Desmond Tutu
After the funeral, I spent time chatting to my brothers, cousins, aunts and uncles. We don’t see enough of each other and it was good to have the opportunity. Its a shame that it took the death of Uncle Ted to make that happen!
The final letter arrived telling me I will definitely be redundant from my job on 31st March so:
“Work is the curse of the drinking classes” – Oscar Wilde

Right now, work is a chore. For some bizarre reason, I am busier now than i have been in the last year or two. I guess the fact that people have left already and that we have work to finish off and to handover has something to do with it.  Today I went shopping at lunchtime. I bought some food for dinner and a bottle of wine. I pondered the cost of that trip to the shop while on the way home and realised that I had spent far more than i intended on the wine. I have to admit it was very nice and if I had known what wonderful wine I had bought I might have left work earlier today (9 working days and counting).

I am off to see Sir on Tuesday:

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop – H. L. Mencken

It is nearly a year since Sir and I began what we do. We don’t call it love to each other. But it is something very special and we can’t and don’t want to stop it. I guess you might call it love.  Certainly we care about each other alot, and that feels good.

Allowing plans to form

This is proving to be a long month. That is how long it will have been once i see Sir next week. We have had lots of contact in other ways, mainly through the medium of Skype. But it is never the same.

At the same time things with hubby ebb and flow. He is out a lot but when he is home he is both attentive and intense.

i continue to work my notice (just under 3 weeks to go), on one hand things are busy there, but on the other hand there is a realisation that things really will end soon. There are opportunities, but at the same time there is fear.

So all in life is on one hand the same, but on the other distinctly different. i manage all of this by living from day to day and week to week. i am not planning too far in advance.

But this time next week, i will be with Sir. So i am starting to plan. Correction; we are starting to plan!

This time i will travel by train. The trip is to be midweek; i am using up my last 2 days of leave (he will also be off work). Today i looked at train times, and know that i can meet Sir for the final part of the journey at around 9.30. i know that i will wear a dress or skirt, and that i will wear stockings, suspenders and heels; of course. i am excited that there should be some opportunity for us to do something quite naughty on the train. It feels that (even though we are still in the grips of winter right now), spring will have sprung.

i am allowing myself to remember how it is to kneel before him, to be allowed to suck his wonderful cock. i am allowing myself to imagine him putting the nipple clamps on me, to put on my collar and to remind me who my Master is. i love to think of his cock inside me andi love to imagine bending over for him while he spanks me with the riding crop. i know that he is also thinking of these things; we have spoken of them.

We both know, thought that, plans are a wonderful thing, but the reality will be better”

Sharing my secrets

The main reason I come here to write, to blog was to find a place to articulate my inner thoughts and feelings. I do this for myself, so that I can say things that can’t be said out loud or to test out how I feel. A brilliant by product is that people stop by, and sometimes they tell me their thoughts on what I have said.

It is generally more difficult to speak about things that are essentially secret to people in real life. One of hubby’s biggest gripes with me is that he feels I keep secrets from him. Of course I do. Since this side of my life doesn’t include him, what is more I don’t want it to. This is about me and it is about me and Sir. Increasingly he asks me questions about the relationship with Sir. But I don’t want him to know or to share that relationship with him.  I know that people who are married should share and not have secrets, but the way we are heading I am not sure we will be married for ever.

One of the reasons we find ourselves in this situation is because of our inability to communicate with each other about important things over the years. This has led to both of us bottling up our thoughts and feelings and this is definitely unhealthy. This blog and the people I have met through my exploration of this different dynamic (D/s), have led me to be more open with my thoughts and feelings. Some of those people, of course I don’t know in real life, but some I do. I would even go as far as to say that I have had more, and deeper conversations with Sir over this past year than I have with hubby in many years of marriage.  I guess that has something to do with the nature of what we do together and perhaps also because we met each other later in life. We also met at a time when we had a need for each other and needed to find another person to open up to.

Suddenly though I feel able to open up more to others, people who I have known for longer. Today I had lunch with a work colleague who I get on really well with and who I knew would be a good confident, someone else I have the potential to become food friends with (given that, as I said the other day, that I have few actual friends). While I told her nothing of the D/s side of things I did tell her about what has happened with hubby and me. I articulated my feelings in a way that I might have been unable to in the past. What was interesting to me was that she confirmed what I know, which is that even considering all that I am going through (with work and home issues) I seem to be happier than she remembers me being in a long time. That is because I am and I think that is because this whole thing is about me and for the first time I am discovering what makes me happy!