365 days – 30th January

My house is a home because……

It is the place I lived during my marriage and where I brought up my son. It is a place where I have been happy, really happy. True, there has been sadness here, but to be fair the happiness has outweighed the pain and the tears.

We moved to the house when my son was a baby, just 3 months old. He sat for the first time, he laughed and he cried. He walked his first steps, climbed his first stairs. We nurtured him and he grew to be a lovely little, then bigger boy.

When my ex betrayed me, I took refuge in this place. I retreated into a solitary life at times, just me and him. Later his father returned and we were happy after a while.

There have been birthdays, family events, barbecues, parties.

There have been arguments and there have been tears. Too many. The relationship with my ex falling apart, the challenges of living with a growing teenager struggling to find his way in the world.

More recently Master and I have enjoyed some great days and nights here. Kinky fun, kinky and straight sex. I have submitted, I have dressed up for him. I have cooked meals and we have enjoyed great wine with them. We have laughed together.

Sometimes when I sit here alone I can see and hear almost 26 years of my life in little bite size chunks. Happy and sad.

This house has been a home to us and is is still my home. It will remain so until I take my things and try to make another place my home. I suspect it will take a while.

365 days – 20th January

What is the hardest thing you are dealing with?

In comparison with some other times of my life nothing is so hard at the moment. In myself I am happier than I have been so often in the past. My job is going well and though I am busy I am getting recognition for the things I am doing.

Without wanting to tempt fate, my mum’s health is good and though lonely, she is coping with her life without my dad. She is considering downsizing and also thinking about making that move to be nearer to my brother. He lives in an area where housing prices are lower since it is further away from London.

I am enjoying my time at my slimming club and have made friends there. I need to focus much more on actually losing some more weight, but it is not a massive deal. I plan to explore becoming a slimming consultant, and wonder whether ultimately that might be the part time job I need on top of my NHS pension, but we shall see.

Master and I are approaching our 3 year anniversary and things are going well. We admit we need to explore our kinky life a little more, and will try to make 2017 the year for that. I want to develop my blog and have my own domain and WordPress installed but am struggling with moving everything over. I need to spend some time and learn a bit about that side of things. Then I want to try to write some fiction. I am hoping our trip to Eroticon will help with those things. I think perhaps that is the hardest thing and since that isn’t really so bad, I have very little to worry about!

Argentinian chorizo

I am not even sure they make chorizo in Argentina, but Master’s dream about it on Thursday night / Friday morning has been the joke of our weekend.

We don’t usually spend Thursday night together, but because Friday was going to be spent working on my house, starting our weekend early seemed a good idea. I cooked us a shepherds pie, good comfort food for early December and we enjoyed it with a little bit too much wine (We I never learn).
Early on Friday morning, as I lay awake much earlier than I wanted or needed, he suddenly grabbed my hand and placed it on his hard cock. I lay holding it, surprised by it’s size and the way it throbbed without me actually doing very much. Happily for me, it also lulled me into a nice sleep and when I woke properly some time later, I felt more refreshed than I had expected. Master asked me if I knew why he had been dreaming about Argentinian chorizo since pork is not something they eat much of. I suggested that the dream might have something to do with the fact he had wanted me to hold his hard cock!
The morning was busy for us both. I went off to my slimming club (for some less than good news) and then on to the DIY shop for screws and door fixings and then to the supermarket. Master in turn got on with starting the task of removing the old doors in the downstairs of my house and hanging new ones. While I was out my brother and his partner arrived to help (well he was there to help).
The rest of the day passed with Master and my brother working together on the doors and me spending time with his girlfriend and intermittently providing food and drink. Things, as usual didn’t go entirely to plan, but in the end I have my new doors in place, more modern they will definitely give the right impression to people viewing the house when I come to sell. I was happy to see and hear how well the two men got on together, seeing as they don’t know each other well. The day was fun and relaxed. Later we went out for dinner and drinks. While my brother would have loved to have stayed over and continue things into the night, his girlfriend was keen to get off home.
Once they had gone, and we had enjoyed a pre-bed time G&T we headed off to bed. Master was slightly euphoric from his exertions during the day, the male camaraderie of the day along with the combination of wine, after dinner brandy and then gin.
I was expecting sleep, but Master had other ideas and the result was my Sinful Sunday photo and some very lovely orgasms. Plus, I got to experience the Argentinian chorizo in it’s full glory, this time inside my throbbing cunt.
So ended part one of the weekend.

Looking back, looking forwards

From time to time I have a look back at what I might have written this week or month in previous years on this blog. This morning, prompted by a photo of my then very old and now deceased and Renault Clio’s odometer passing the 100,000 mile mark, I looked back on the Blog to this week in 2012.

I started to write a retrospective post, but struggled. Did I really want to look back an re live what I was feeling then? The negativity of that period shone through with abundance. My ex was a very negative figure in my life during that period, but actually so was S my so called Dom at that time. At the same time, I was given notice that I would potentially lose my job at the end of that financial year.

I did lose my job,  but the sky did not fall on me, I have a better, more well paid job now. S and I limped along for quite some time after, but if I look back on the blog posts at the time and subsequently it was clear to see that it would never work. At the time, it might have seemed that I was giving up 30 years of marriage for something that S would never offer me, and of course did not. As for hubby, well there was a whole lot of negativity to some, not least the weekend in Germany when it subsequently transpired that he met his now partner. Not that he has ever accepted to me that is what and who she is.

Sadly it is around Christmas 2012 that I can trace a change in my relationship with my son, who I had previously been so close to. I failed to understand that I needed to be open with him about the change in my relationship with his dad, but hopefully conversations since then have helped him to understand life is not quite that simple.

It was to be another year before Master and I encountered each other online and subsequently met in real life. But the signs of my need for this kind of relationship was there.

Whatever other mistakes I have made in my life, I know that while it is important to recognise where you have come from, it is much more important to understand where you are going.

Look back briefly, but keep your eyes on the future.

This weekend my son and his girlfriend started with us, as they prepare to move into their own home and I continue to prepare to leave, this our family home after over 25 years. It is time to look forward and not back. It is easy to reminisce but to be frank I don’t think I will be writing about the past too much any more.

Shadows

Do you ever think you see something or someone in your sightline, turn around and realise that the thing or person is not there?

Just part of your imagination?

Perhaps a shadow.

A shadow of the person you were, of a person you knew and loved but who is now gone? A pet that you owned and is also gone?

I often stand in my kitchen, and think I see someone or something outside in the front garden. Afterwards I realise it was a shadow, caused by the way the sun moved across the garden rather than ever quite shining in. It is to do with the way the house is positioned and I know this.

But from time to time I have imagined I briefly witnessed the cat run across the garden, or someone walk down my garden path. But they are not real animals or people, they are shadows.

The cat died 4 or 5 years ago and people who I am not expecting rarely turn up these days, unless they are trying to sell something. Perhaps double glazing or religion.

But actually I like to imagine the ghosts of those lost are around me. Tribbles the cat (named by my son and often out of the house and seeking to come in) who died while his Master was away at university in the USA.  My much loved nan who died 17 years ago and who I swear after she was gone made some of my son’s toys make their electronic noise out of the blue.

Most recently my dad, who died two years ago next week.

Sometimes when I turn around I think I see him walking up the path. In the area because he has been to fit an outside light at someone’s house,  to put in a socket or 5 (he was an electrician) and who is hoping for a cup of coffee, a biscuit and a chat.

But sadly they are all shadows.

Or maybe not so sadly since those shadows bring the memories to the fore and that can’t be either a bad or scary thing. They are the shadows of our lives gone by, our memories and perhaps also of memories to be made in the future. They are something to be valued and enjoyed. Not a very wicked Wednesday, but one from the heart.

 

Updating on things

The past couple of weeks were a little troublesome.  There is a need to get on with things relating to the past relationship and in selling the house. After this post, a conversation then meeting with my son took place and he made it clear that he felt closure was needed. The idea of being given life and relationship advice by a 25 year old was to say the least interesting. But I did take it on board. Funnily enough this has coincided with some of the challenging interactions with Master and of course they are likely as not linked.

There are some things to be done in the house before it can be sold and these started this week. It could be 7 or 8 years since we replaced the bathroom, but until this weekend the bath had no side panel. According to my mum it one of the things that my dad used to complain about, when they visited, directly linked in his mind to the lack of effort my ex put in to looking after the house. He was right, hubby didn’t do those simple things, in this case because cutting around a few pipes was difficult. On Saturday we went to the hardware store, bought what was needed and he cut out the bits that were necessary. It looks amazing and I feel stupid that this wasn’t done before.
Next Friday I am meeting the ex to discuss time frames for selling the house. The need to get on with things grows in me. I want to sell up and start the next episode of my life.
Master and his girl discussed the arguments that have taken place over recent weeks and agreed that these are trivial and unnecessary.
We had a mostly relaxing time but that time was interspersed with time where this girl wore her bitch collar, was without underwear and at times was naked. There were a lot of orgasms and there was some pretty good sex.
More importantly though, there was time for submission. For a reaffirmation of what was important in this relationship.
We are moving towards a 24/7 dynamic and over the coming months while things are sorted here, we will confirm what that looks and feels like.
Today we went out with my family for my brothers birthday, it was happy and fun. All in all right now this slave is one happy slave. As for the week ahead, mindfulness is needed to make sure that the arguments of the past weeks are behind us and we are moving ahead to our goal.

Where is my blogging mojo?

Over the last few weeks I have found it impossible to find the motivation to blog. I know that the urge to write ebbs and flows, I know that there are times when you can almost have too much to say and other times nothing. It isn’t as if there aren’t things to say about my life with Master, about family stuff, about the ex hubby.

Master and I are settled into something of a routine, a weekend at his place, one at mine. Sometimes a get together in between. There hasn’t been all that much kink lately, but to be honest I am not worried so long as we have the occasional playtime. There is plenty of sex and there is the general undercurrent of our M/s dynamic. It is there and we both know it. We go out and we have fun. We also stay in and just chill out. We cook, together and separately and we are both pretty content. Maybe being content doesn’t make for the need to write anything much.

Within the family we have just had the first anniversary of my dad’s death. It has been harder than I imagined to pass that anniversary without feeling extremely reflective and, yes, sad. It has probably been a good thing to look back and remember, to think about the events of those last weeks. To remember the closeness that developed between us as a family, also the closeness that came about between Master and I as he supported me though. Sometimes I am so settled in my life as it is now, it is difficult to acknowledge that a year ago we had only really just started to get to know each other. We were just weeks into the knowledge that we were in a relationship with just each other and not with me as the third as had been the case before. Everyone in my family knows that Master and I are a couple now, we don’t need to hide but we do tend to live our own lives. We don’t tend to mix family and our relationship too much and that suits us fine.

Lastly there is the whole marriage thing. I need to get on with the splitting the assets and divorce thing. But it has taken hubby this long to get to a reasonably stable place emotionally, plus I have needed this time to live a normal life without the stress of the family and relationship pressures of last year. But 2016 will be about getting that final separation and space between us. It will be about finding that last bit of myself and Master and I.

I haven’t left the blogging world. I will write again when I have something to say, I am just not sure if that will be in a day, a week or a month. I will get fired up about something soon, but at the moment, I am not sure what.

It’s been a week

A week since my last post and almost a week since I laid eyes on Master, even on Skype. We have chatted on the phone and there have been texts, but it isn’t the same.

I have been away in France; I took my mum who needed a break from the monotony of home and some company. As Master reminded me when she was stressing me out, I was doing something that was a good thing. She and I have never had an easy relationship, partly because of the way she wants to control everything that those around her do. I always struggled that, because, I thought I wanted to be the one in control. I am no longer sure that is really the case, I just resented the way she wanted to control me.

In general it has been a calm and relaxing time. We have managed to catch some rays of sun, which were lacking here in the UK before we left. But, her lack of mobility since her hip fracture is a real worry, and what is worse, is that she really seems to have no desire to regain it. She seems happy to have people  me and my brothers running around after her.

The trouble is we are not always around and then she seems to get bitter about the lack of help. The other problem is that there are very few other people who are involved regularly in her life, us, the grandchildren and one neighbour. She has alienated people over recent years, and somehow seems to expect more from them than she has given back. If I didn’t have the life I have with Master I fear I would give in and spend half of my life running around after her, getting ever more bitter about how my life was. Then, who knows I would wake up one day and find I had become her!

The absence from Master has been challenging. I have had enough to fill my time, and it isn’t that I have been pining or anything, it is just that I have missed him and the contact we usually have. He was a great help when I was really stressed on Thursday. I was tired, mum was tired and the weekend seemed to stretch ahead of me. Just a few texts was enough to get me back into the right frame of mind. But texts and a phone call while walking through a french village is not the same. I need to see his face now, I need to listen to his voice now. I need to touch him.

It is at times like this that I begin to doubt myself and him. Has he missed me, does he need to see, hear and touch me? Is he busy in his own world and so has little for me right now? Stupid and irrational thoughts, but sometimes it is just too easy to let your mind work over time. It isn’t the physical side of life I need him for. I am well able to care for myself (and my mum if necessary),  but I do need the emotional support.

Last night, after returning home, I had hoped we would chat. I tried calling on Skype, though I had an idea he was offline (he always shows as away). I didn’t feel the urge to beg for a chat, so just went to bed. This morning though I know I could have done with that contact. Hopefully later this evening.

Clearing her mind

This girl has a bad habit of taking on the troubles of the world and carrying them around with her. This is true at work and it is true with family. This week, unfortunately has been a busy and stressful time on both counts. This girl hasn’t been sleeping well, she keeps on waking in the early hours with her mind full of worries, thoughts about work and secret guilty feelings that won’t go away.

So by the time this girl arrived to spend the weekend with Master last night, she was feeling tired and stressed. So tired in fact that she could have gone to bed, to sleep there and then, at 7pm. Luckily with dinner inside her and a walk to a local pub, this girl rallied. Mind you, she also drank a little too much. This helped though in relaxing her and making her able to concentrate on things other than the monkeys she has been carrying.
Helped by drink, plus feeling Master’s closeness (He often sleeps with a hand on this girl’s body), she slept much more soundly than she has all week and  while she woke with a bit of a head ache, the girl was at least rested. Master moved His hands over His property, settling one on a nipple and the other between her already slick lips. The thoughts that had already been flooding into this girl’s mind were sent away as she concentrated on what He was doing to her and on the things He loves her to say at these times.
“Who are you?” He asks
“This girl” she answers
“Who owns you?”
“Master owns this girl”
This is just the beginning, but it is a necessary start for both Master and slave. It helps to create the space they will inhabit for what is to come. It helps this girl to empty her head of any thoughts not involving her Master, her Lord, her owner.
What followed was many many orgasms, both through the use of His fingers and mouth but also from the penetration of His cock and from the wonderful way He has of stroking her clitoral hood piercing with His cock.
It is clear that this girl will have no problems keeping her mind clear today. She can stay here in her slave place, where Master is in control and where the decisions she needs to make will be minimal. The question is, how can she maintain that feeling when she is out of His direct influence?

Centred

Since getting back from holiday, life has been busy and stressful. Most of this stress has come from one particular place, or should I say person. I have never enjoyed the kind of relationship with my mum that either of us might have wanted. She always says it is because we are too similar, I sincerely hope that is not true since she is currently behaving very badly.

I know that the set back of the fractured hip was a big blow to her and has dented her confidence along with her hard fought for mobility. But it would be so nice if she could be at least pleasant about it. Instead myself and my brothers are being made to feel less than useful, despite spending so much of our time off from work running around doing things for her. Things came to a head at the beginning of this week when the cleaner gave her the sack. No, she didn’t sack the cleaner, it happened the other way round. By text, to me. Apparently she is rude, inconsiderate and two faced. These accusations are pretty much true,  but I never thought that she was like that with someone who comes in for an hour or two once a week. It would be true to say that the fact she is the friend of my brother’s girl friend might have contributed, but I really didn’t need this kind of stress this week.

Friday is now my regular day off and they now stretch ahead of me as a day when I will be needing to help mum. I should be keen to help of course, I want to be and to a certain extent I am. But at the same time, I dread it. The harsh words, the way she is only interested in herself, and the way everything I and everyone else does is just not good enough. This week was no exception, and culminated in a number of short sharp phone messages because I had bought her the kind of fish that I should know that she hates!

A few times this last week I have been a bit on the bratty side with Master. That and I have challenged things He has said and done. This is something that He doesn’t like; particularly if like me the other person is hell bent on arguing the point for far too long.

So after a great day out on Saturday – a girlie lunch, a film and dinner with Master – I ended up passing much of the journey home fuming. I was both upset and angry and still believed I was right.

In bed, He held me and told me He was sorry and that He had noticed that I have been much more stressed lately. I said sorry too and all was well, we slept.

Sunday morning arrived and as we lay in bed together there was no sign of what was to come. He suddenly jumped out of bed and told His slave to get on all fours, then He piled up some pillows for her to lie on and secured her wrists in cuffs by her ankles. A mixture of pain and pleasure then ensued. The pleasure of the hitachi and the pain of various floggers, paddles and a cane. Every time the pain seemed to be getting a little much back came the hitachi and with it an orgasm was permitted.

He instructed this girl to get on top and to ride His cock. This is a favourite position for both of us. He likes to have access to His slave’s body and to control her movements from below. Next He took her arse. Boy did He take this girl in a way He really hasn’t for a long time.

For both of us this was as much about redefining the whole Master / slave relationship as anything. It was about His power and her submission. For the first time in months this girl found herself floating into His body. She felt her mind clearing and all thoughts of anyone and anything else leave her. She was His slave and He her Master. Lastly she was allowed to finish Him off with her mouth, a perfect ending for us both.

It is so easy in any relationship for life to just take over and for couples to forget the important things.  Thankfully Master recognised the signs and now His slave is centred again and remembers just who she is, what she is and indeed her place.

Of course, none of this makes me wrong, or Him right but sometimes a slave just needs to know when to shut her mouth and I definitely need practice at that!