Saturday thoughts

i like Saturdays. The one day of the week when i nether have to go to work today or tomorrow, don’t get me wrong, i do like work, i enjoy my job very much, but i also like days when i don’t work. On Saturdays i tend to get up early. I tend not to sleep late these days and actually i like to get up when the house is quiet and i like to get my laptop out and see what is going on in the webworld. Lately i like, while i am alone, to think about what has happened, might happen and blog about it here. Pain’s Pleasure’s blog post yesterday has inspired the words i am writing this morning.

For the last few months, since i decided to explore more about D/s i have read so much both online and off. I have been struck by just how much information is out there and just how many well thought out, well written words there are out there for people like me to find. i have also been struck by how welcoming people can be to their community when you happen to stumble across it and leave a mark or two of your own. As i have mentioned before, i don’t even have friends i can talk about the state of my marriage with, let alone discuss what i like to do with the man i am illicitly having an affair with. So being offered the hand of contact and perhaps in time virtual friendship is very welcome.

I am struck by the extent to which the blog world provides an opportunity to see such a wide range of lifestyles and interests, while at the same time feeling like a community. i found this before when blogging about nursing. Through writing a nursing / work related blog, i have found that our lives while different, are often so so similar. i have found that people across the world with similar interests have many more similarities than they do differences. The same seems to go for the BDSM world. As with nursing, there are many specialities, different ways of living the lifestyle, but something brings those people together. My blog roll here is getting longer and this is now one of the first places i come to when turing on my computer. i love to see what has been happening to people, or how their wonderful vivid imaginations are working. i enjoy thinking about the lifestyles people are living and wondering if that is something i would want to consider.

Would i want to live a 24/7 lifestyle, could i do it?  Possibly, and certainly i would like the opportunity to live it much more than i am now.

Am i slave material? Probably not, i am probably much too mouthy, far too used to being controlling over my own life. I am also not sure about domestic discipline type stuff – this is one of many things that Fondlers Anonymous has been discussing here

Do i want to be spanked more, given that Sir isn’t really all that keen on inflicting pain in that way? Mind you he has got the hang of causing pretty acute pain to my nipples and breasts once he realised what it did to my ability to submit. So maybe.

So as i get on with Saturday, and i must get on with the less enjoyable part (ironing then shopping to do), before getting onto more fun things (a walk and lunch with hubby), i have to say a big thank you to the people i have met online so far, to those whose blogs are helping expand my mind and thoughts and who have welcomed me into their world.

While at times i am really struggling with my emotions, i can honestly say i am feeling much happier with life than i was 3 months ago when all this began for me. Of course alot of that is about my lovely Master, but much of it is about so much more!

Thoughts from a morning’s painting

All 4 walls are now covered in the chosen colour. The ceiling has been painted twice and no longer looks patchy. This morning i have spent a lot of time painting around windows, doors, the ceiling, radiator, that kind of thing. This is a slower process and allows some more detailed thinking time.

My son is 21. He is my only child (that fact might be worthy of a post another day) and for the last 10 months (other than a month over Christmas) he has been at University in California. Since i am in the UK this is quite a long way away (I know stating the obvious). He is due home at the end of next week and i promised to decorate his room for his return. It will be a more grown up place fitting for a young man about to enjoy summer before going off to his English University for his last year. What will happen after that i don’t know. However he does have an American girlfriend now, so his future may not be in this country. This no longer fills me with the kind of dread that it once did. He has grown into a great young man, and he is someone who will and of course should make his own choices.

This is the last time i will decorate his bedroom. In truth once the summer is over he won’t use it very much until next summer. But decoratng, cleaning and freshening it up (teenage boys are messy and  dirty at times) is part of the whole process i am currently going through. As is the decluttering i am starting to do too. I need to clear out some of the remnants of the past 25 years or more.

As i was painting this morning i was thinking about my house; the place i call home. What does it mean to me? It is a place we moved to when my son was only 3 months old. He has grown up here, and it has been a family place. But it has not always been a happy place for me. i have struggled to get hubby to make it the place i wanted it to be those years ago. He isn’t a DIY person and really only does anything when forced. He is not really bothered by mess or by things that aren’t quite finished. i have tried to start and finish things myself, but it can be difficult when the other person in the relationship can’t really be bothered. Once things ‘look better’ he is happy.

So my thoughts this morning were that while i am enjoying doing this for my son as i enjoy making things nice for myself in this home i don’t really have a deep attachment to it. In the past i always thought that if my marriage failed, he would be the one to leave. Now i am not so sure. I think actually that i would be as happy living somewhere else. In fact i would quite like to live somewhere where i had not spent years struggling through my marriage. Where i had not nagged and ranted at times. Where i had not slammed the door and walked out around the block in tears. Where i had not had to learn to keep my mouth shut.

When the time comes i think i can walk away and leave this place. I think i can take with me the good and leave behind the bad. i just don’t know yet when that will be. For now, i am going to live for today. And for next Friday when he comes home for the summer (or for a few days until he goes to visit his university friends).

This morning’s music has been entirely the Verve. My favorite from them is Bitter Sweet Symphony, which i have been singing while i work.

Now it is lunchtime and soon i will be having a ‘chat’ with Sir. If it is worthy of note, i may write something else later!