One of those update posts

The strain of blogging every nearly every day for the Blogging A-Z challenge left me needing a break. I am so enthusiastic at the start of these memes but time, bad planning and the challenge of obscure words can get in the way.

But it’s time to move on and get back to reality. The February Photofest and Blogging A-Z Challenges are behind me. Time to move on through the year, develop some discipline and post spontaneously. It’s 2 months since Eroticon and I still haven’t got around to making the changes I said I would. No space so far for fiction, and generally my creative juices are struggling to emerge.

Life around here has been pretty full on, what with work, family and social stuff. Add a holiday into the mix and stir in Master’s new bathroom* and you get the picture. Not that any of this is an excuse, since over all I am pretty lazy when not doing any of the above. *N.B He has people in to fit the bathroom, though I helped out in choosing accessories. There are still towels, bathmats and a little cupboard to be considered.

We are very aware of the need to instil a bit more fun and play into our lives. Plus of course sex. The joy of spending more time together this past couple of weeks has included time discussing how to inject energy into our relationship. Plus to rediscover things like anal sex, which we haven’t done for a while.

This week he bought me a leather bra. Something I can wear under my clothing or else on its own around the house. The leather is beautifully soft and comfortable to wear. Master has a real fetish for leather gear, well he just has a real fetish in reality! Summer is on the way, though it isn’t too warm around these parts yet. But the opportunities to get out an about and to have some fun are emerging. Plus he has promised more dungeon time for my birthday in August.

Lots to look forward to and hopefully the opportunity for fun and games on top of normal life.

Summer here we come!

Blogging A-Z Challenge: I

I is for inspiration

Preparations are underway for our holiday on Thursday, so I am juggling finishing off work with ironing and the like. I have enjoyed using the A-Z challenge to share some of the events of our stay in the Secret Dungeon. But I was struck by a post from Sunday and the comments added over the weekend. The post itself was about writing for the joy of receiving views and comments, rather than for writing for itself. @BibulousOne who writes Pain as Pleasure describes the ebb and flow of relationships and sex with in them. Then the process of writing about events that have happened. In the comments there is a suggestion that a post might be planned even while in the throws of sex or play.

Why does this inspire me?

Well because dammit, I have done that very thing. Not while tied to the St George cross mind, I was more interested in the torture befalling me. But I can’t deny playing out a post in my head when I should be concentrating on other things. Not only that, but I do look at  my stats too often, partly because I have moved my blog 3 times now. I slightly mourn the lost of traffic caused by those moves. We both think about Sinful Sunday and Master enjoys taking photos we might use for Molly’s Meme. But that is just one post a week and there is no harm in sharing a photo knowing it will increase traffic. The rest of the time this blog is where I explore a side of myself that cannot be expressed elsewhere. It is a place I let him know how I feel. Explore my kinks and my thoughts about them.

Blogging for the sake of it

There are whole months when I blog because I am taking part in a meme – February Photofest or this months challenge. But at other times, when I consider nothing has happened, I might only blog a few times. Striking up more of a balance is perhaps the challenge and something I will think about. But it is important to keep an eye on why and for whom you do this. The post on Pain as Pleasure has inspired me to remember that.

Blogging A-Z Challenge: A

Always a glutton for punishment, I have decided to give the Blogging A-Z challenge another stab. I don’t plan to keep to a particular theme. We will be away in France over Easter and so, there is every chance that travel, food and wine will feature. But where possible I will focus on kink related stuff. So here goes.

A is for arousal

There are changes going on in my body that I struggle to understand and cope with. Other that the hot flashes and night sweats, the menopause hasn’t really been so bad up to now. As someone who suffered from PMS and painful periods for many years it has been a relief. In general I have had pretty much the same amount of energy and I have been able to manage my weight (kind of).

But over the past few months there have been subtle changes. I have more aches and pains, and less energy. Arthritic knobbly bits are forming on my hands, which I think I will now need to see a doctor about. Insomnia is a feature of my life as my body temperature seems to swing from freezing to boiling in 5 seconds flat.

Worst of all though is my libido which seems to have disappeared. Right now, I don’t always seem to become spontaneously aroused when Master touches me. It isn’t that I am not aroused by him or his fingers. But that my body doesn’t respond in the way it did. His favourite time for sex is in the morning, but if you haven’t slept well but feel you now could the impulse is to brush him off. I have to fight these feelings and focus on him. To allow myself to feel the arousal that still exists deep inside me but which struggles to free itself.

Master is a thoughtful and considerate lover and thankfully he understands me. He doesn’t force me to do what I don’t want to, but luckily he does push me. The power dynamic probably helps since he doesn’t take no for an answer and allow me to just push him away. But time and a little effort on his part as well as encouraging me to concentrate on his body usually has the desired effect.

Recollections of the past

A couple of weeks ago I installed a widget that allows random posts from your blog to be reposted to Twitter or Facebook. I had noticed it on a few people’s twitter feed and since I have almost 5 years worth of posts I decided to try it too. Every 12 hours or so a new tweet, with a link appears on my twitter feed. Yesterday this one cropped up. It was liked and retweeted by eye  and then commented on by Rebecca. How strange then that this week’s Wicked Wednesday is about recollections.

That the post entitled ‘Relationships’ was written in March 2013. At the time I was going though a lot of trauma with my ex. He had recently found out about my relationship with S and was pretty keen to point our my shortcomings at every opportunity. When, that is he wasn’t telling me how much he loved me and that he didn’t want to lose me. When I brought up his own infidelity he told me that something that happened 20 years ago didn’t count. The trouble is that the hurt from all that time ago, had never left me. Writing in a bit of detail about being cheated on as a young wife and mother helped put things into perspective.

Infidelity is not something to be taken lightly. We made a promise to each other in front of family and friends. A promise that we would love, honour and cherish each other. I never imagined that he would break that promise quite so quickly. Especially as in the aftermath he pretty much told me I was frigid and boring in bed. More recent events have proved that not to be the case. Embarking on my own journey took some guts, and all of the time I knew I was being unfaithful. I knew that if he every found out, then he would be devastated and so he was.

But the interesting thing about the recollections associated with this post is this. In March 2013, while he continued to make me feel guilty and to try to get me to dump S, my ex was already seeing another woman. They had met at Christmas and were in the early stages of their current relationship. The wronged man was already in another’s arms. For months after that he pretended that he was spending much of his time staying with a male friend. I believed him because it was easy to do so and because I was preoccupied. The man was a liar hypocrite in the early 90’s when I found out about that first affair and still is today.

For the most part I try to look forwards, looking back doesn’t always help. Sometimes recollections of the past can help. My words from 2013 certainly have done that today.

 

What is necessary?

In the first few days after I moved my blog to this new place I made a few schoolboy errors.  One of these was to accidentally delete all categories and tags I had dragged through. I guess that I could have resent all of the posts, but I decided not to. In all honesty I underestimated the sheer volume of work involved in reviewing nearly 5 years of posts. It was with enthusiasm that I embarked on the task, after all this is about my journey. But I reckoned without the emotional journey that it would send me upon.

I started by working back, but unfortunately during January and February I was experiencing a quiet blogging period. Except of course for February Photofest. So I tried going back to the beginning and in doing so, discovered a forgotten past. Indeed it was a past where, in an attempt to discover the submission I needed I allowed emotion to overtake good sense. As the weeks and months went on, back in 2012 I immersed myself into an alternative reality. One where I struggled with my marriage, while embarking on a relationship with a man who wasn’t what he seemed.

Frustration made me return to the end and work backwards. So far I have reached page 28 or 39, just before I met Master, a journey of 3 years. Journeying through times of love, travel and kink. Through the awful period when my dad was ill and subsequently died. Through too difficult experiences with my mum, her moods, illnesses and our relationship.

All that time my marriage has been drawing to its natural conclusion, a time much more protracted than should be the case. The number of times where I plan to tell him to get lost and that the house will be sold are too numerous to mention.

I have a plan to progress at speed. to label anything involving previous relationships as such. Some of that stuff I may never revisit again.

But just maybe this process has been useful, necessary. Perhaps it has helped me to see just how far I have travelled and how close I am to my goal.

Perhaps this was a necessary task.

I have a few days off. I am spending that time finishing off the decluttering and general preparation for the sale.

 

SCC Writing #228 – This life

Much of the literature I had read before embarking on a D/s relationship was fictional. While very hot, this kind of writing tends to be more about play and kinky sex than real life. It wasn’t really until I was starting my D/s journey with S and subsequently with Master that I read more widely.

What I gleaned from those ‘manuals’ of submission and slavery is that all relationships are different. That concepts of ownership, service, obedience and worship can be interpreted along a continuum. Just how strictly these apply depends upon the wishes and needs of the individuals. I think that Master and I like the idea of a relationship that interprets my slavery further towards the strict Master and compliant slave. But life needs to be more low maintenance than that for us both.

What is more, no relationship can sustain those first flushes of new excitement. Of constant arousal, discovering each other’s bodies, of pushing and testing limits. M/s for us right now is much more low key, perhaps an undercurrent to our lives rather than something that is overtly visible to others.

Having said all of that, we have let things slip a bit. There are rules, and expectations. Some are always followed and others really are not. We have discussed recently that we need to rediscover exactly what it is we both need from the M/s element of our relationship.

It is the very fact that we can and do communicate with each other about our relationship in its broadest sense as well as these specific elements, that feels different. We can and do discuss everything – we look back and analyse events and feelings and we make plans for the future. Those future plans involve mundane everyday things like me preparing my house for sale and him cleaning space for me to move in. They also include us thinking about ways in which we can better take account of His need to dominate me and mine to submit to Him. We often surprise each other. This might be by Him tell me He is about to pee on me in the shower, or perhaps I strip and kneel before Him, unprompted.

Life is no more like the fictional accounts of erotica that I often read than it is a manual of slavery. I would prefer to think that we are writing our own story as we journey though our life together.

Erotica and me – getting over the mental block


One of the reasons I wanted to go to Eroticon was to explore the possibility of writing erotic fiction. In the main, my blog has always been about me and my relationships. For much of the past 5 years, there has been plenty of experiences to recount. I am sure that this will continue, but since my relationship with Master is for the longterm real life there is unlikely to be kinky excitement all of the time. Last weekend I struggled to complete the exercises set us by Ashley Lister. I couldn’t think of a 6 word story, kinky or otherwise. Generally my creative brain felt somewhat numb. But it wasn’t always like this.


The teenage years

There was a time when I wrote stories, in longhand in a notebook. My friend  and I wrote about the boys from school, the ones we had a crush on. These were tales of innocent romance, about being noticed and kissed. In our dreamworld we were attractive, we became their girlfriends. There was, as far as I can remember, no actual sex  involved. We were 15 or 16 and pretty naive.

Real life overtook us, real boyfriends were found, Wendy left school and started work, she went out with a number of boys including a very odd distant cousin of mine. Her next boyfriend was older and much more mature. She grew bored with our stories, indeed we grew apart. Her life was more interesting than the fiction we had created.

I also had a boy friend, but for me the exploration of my sexuality and his body meant I wanted to write more. I began to fantasise about what sex could and should be about, without even knowing why. Without even recognising that I wasn’t fulfilled in the way I could have been.

I started my nurse training and my writings became essays about nursing care, anatomy and psychology. Hell, there was no time to think about erotic stories, much less write them. Anyway I was having proper, actual sex. In a single bed, in a nurses home, in London. Boys weren’t allowed in our room after midnight, so I was living on the edge here.


Marriage

At some point soon after I became a married woman I picked up my pen and paper again. Marriage wasn’t quite as I had imagined it to be. I worked shifts at a local hospital, often we saw little of each other. At some point in those first years my hubby strayed with someone at work. He pretended to work late, go out with mates and left me on my own for long periods of time.

Looking back, the stories I created in my A4 notepads were pretty raunchy. There was a lot of sex, often involving more than two people. I explored the idea of lesbian sex, even though I knew that I wasn’t turned on by other women in real life. I brought back the men (previously boys)  that I had a crush on as a teenager. These were now hot-blooded men rather than boys. I had no knowledge of BDSM but did explore being controlled by a man. I guess this was a direct result of needing to exert quite so much control over my own life, back then.


Motherhood

Then I became pregnant, for a while I continued the fantasies. But then I was a mother. Juggling work, family, marriage with an unfaithful man (not that I knew) who was incredibly needy, I had neither the time or the imagination. I threw the books away and got on with life.

From time to time I tried to recreate the stories. In those early days I had been able to almost lose myself in the fantasy of the fiction I had created. But responsibility to work, motherhood and paying the mortgage mean that you need to centre yourself. Once I found the blogosphere I was more interested in describing the world I inhabited (mainly work related) that I forgot about any kind of fiction.


Now

Until this week, I had blocked from my mind that I ever wrote fiction, let alone that it might have involved erotica. But I did. Thinking back, there is no reason that I couldn’t get my brain around a kinky story right now. I have the time, the space and dammit the ability to make this happen. I just need to give myself the permission to do so.

Blogging update – moving on from the past

Last Sunday I finally got around to moving my blog. Just over two years ago, when it looked as if Blogger was going to ban sex related sites, I bought my own domain. I searched for and read about hosting, WordPress etc and planned to move. I worked out how to move posts across and even successfully managed to do so. Then following a public outcry Google had second thoughts. I couldn’t work out how to make my blogger blog redirect to my self hosted one, so I just gave up. Periodically I returned to look, once more I moved posts across, but still I couldn’t work out how to redirect.

A few weeks ago I received an email to tell me that my domain name was up for renewal. Should I let it go or try again? Always up for a challenge, I decided to give it one more go. So last weekend I spend time that could have been put to better use, working on the move. After much trial and error I got everything across, including photos and links. Then I managed the redirect. Somehow I then managed to re-import the posts and ended up having to manually trawl through and delete about 750 posts.

But after linking my Sinful Sunday post for last week, I heard from Molly that she had spotted a security problem. Somehow I had set up the blog with a url ending in /blog and if you typed .com  you landed at my C panel. Thankfully @DomSigns was able to help out with the technical details so by Friday I was up and running. I am really grateful for Molly and Michael’s help, without which i don’t think I would have been able to get this far.

Then, just as I got to the point where I might be able to concentrate on new material I managed to mess things up again. Having installed a plug in to delete duplicates I somehow managed to delete all the tags and categories in the entire blog. The past couple of days have been spent categorising everything, starting with this past week backwards and then today from the beginning.

Reading about a long left behind relationship has left me with mixed thoughts. Firstly, I had forgotten just how much I had written in those early days. As I explored new experiences I wrote copiously. I embraced the rules he laid down enthusiastically, if perhaps blindly. I enjoyed the times we had, but now recognise he was probably using me. His marriage had ended and he saw me as an opportunity to explore his kinky side.

5 years on, I am faced with a dilemma. I have no desire to remove that part of my life from this blog, but I wonder if those posts need to be characterised in the way they were? As I reviewed them I know labelled them differently. But should I be more radical and create an “archive” category and then move on?

The past is important, after all it made me the person I am today but I need to move forwards. I am in another relationship, one that everyone knows about. I am a slave and Master is my owner. We know pretty much everything  about each other, both positive and negative. I recognise the things that are important, I need to move on. Moving my blog is the right thing for me. I will have greater freedom about what and how I write. But it will also allow me to let go of the past. There is great value in that.

The image below was the first I posted of me on my blog in 2012. He loved me to dress up in that kind of way and I has fun doing so. But that was then and I think I prefer the way Master likes me to dress for him now. The maid will be consigned to the archives after today along with that part of my blog.

Febraury Photofest

Life begins

They used to say that life begins at 40. I beg to differ. Over the last year of my 30’s I lost weight in a vain attempt to make myself feel something special about the coming decade. Often though I would look in the mirror and see the same unhappy, often asexual being, someone while 2 stones lighter looked no more attractive. Well that was how it felt to me. A great birthday celebration was planned, and while the family came together and my husband arranged a lovely meal and surprise hotel stay I was suffering from food poisoning. Something I had picked up on holiday the week before.

As my 40’s wore on I had the feeling there was something missing in my life. My marriage, which looked happy on the surface felt like torture. I was deeply unhappy. In 2009 when I was 47 my son went off to university. Although happy that he had been able to follow his own dream, I felt the empty nest he left behind intensely. I looked at his father, my husband of over 25  years and wondered how much longer I could keep up the facade. In the late summer of 2011, just after my 49th birthday my son travelled to the US to spend an academic year abroad. Little did I know that by the time my next birthday had arrived I would have found my kinky and sexual side.

50 was a turning point for me. Suddenly  I was brave enough to put myself first after years of prioritising anyone else but myself. I followed my gut instinct and tried something new. Yes, I took a risk but it paid off for me. The end result is the life I have now and the one I will have in the future.

I am now 54 and have never been happier and people tell me I look it . I have managed to find a balance between family and what I need for me. I have a new man in my life who offers me the fulfilment I never even knew I needed.

50 is a massive milestone in life, most people are over half way through their life. It is a time when we must face our own reality as we begin to lose people around us, including perhaps our parents (I lost my dad in my 50’s). It is also a time of hope as our children grow and become independent. A part of my life began in my 50’s, and hopefully will continue into my old age.

Finally I want to wish Marie Rebelle, a happy 50th birthday. Things might be more difficult that she would like right now, but I know that her 50’s will prove to be the continuation of a wonderful journey of discovery and self fulfilment. Happy Birthday!!