It would be true to say that if someone had asked me two years ago if i was someone who found worshipping a man’s cock an attractive prospect, i would have laughed in their face.
During the 90’s and early 00’s nursing was obsessed with the process of how nurses were able to refect on their practise. Models of reflection were developed by the great and the good, and put into practice by people like me – practising nurses, educationalists, managers (I have been all 3 at some time or other). I have used reflection as part of the process of clinical supervision and of action learning (my masters dissertation was on action learning), and have studied and been part of their practice. This is all about the process of learning from your actions, not making the same mistakes again, or else saying that went well and this is how I would do that again. At work, these processes are now ingrained in me. The psychometric tests you can take for education and practise seem to suggest I am not naturally reflective, instead I like to get in there and do and think about it all later – reflection in action rather than reflection on action (see it is all coming back to me).
Isn’t it odd that on one day we can feel so down and almost despondent and the next, pretty much on top of the world. Well maybe not on top, since today is a working day – Friday – but there is lots to look forward to. Plus the self doubts of yesterday have receded. Mainly due to communication with those who are important.
In the past, when I have felt down, I have tended to bottle my feelings, to keep them within. Then usually I have been able to keep them under the surface. Right now though, everything is surfacing at once. So conversations about Graeme’s other relationship some how trigger anxieties in me about totally unrelated but quite similar things. I am gripped with self doubt and a now deep feeling that I will give up control and then be abandoned.
These thoughts are unnecessary even in the context of a potentially unconventional relationship in the longer term.
Now though I have some strategies. I have recognised the need for some external help to deal with my feelings around the ending of my marriage and how to deal with the fall out. This is an area where I so wish I could give control to another, but know that it can’t be so.
Tonight I have a night out with a friend who has been a great source of support throughout the past year or so as I move through this part of my journey. She is a person who is clear about some of the things I should be doing to get to the place I want and need to be. She has no idea of my kinky side, but believes I need and deserve so much more than I have had.
Then tomorrow afternoon, evening and night, time with Graeme. Time to re discover my submission and to worship Him in the way i know he wishes me to and i have that deem need for. Time to shake off the doubts and just enjoy Him.
The happiness I have been feeling for the past few weeks will not last. The reality is that for both of us, what we have is a gap filler. For me, it hopefully helps me finally end the relationship I have been in for all these years but which if I let it would slowly destroy me. For him it is until he is with the person he loves.
These may be things we choose to forget when we are playing, when we are walking hand in hand, eating a meal or when he is owning part of my body. I have willingly given that body to him, but it is not a forever thing.
The question for me is, how do I make sure that I don’t get myself hurt too badly? I need this relationship with him, and I think he does with me. We are good together and we make each other happy.
But I am anxious. I am wary and I am a little bit scared.
I need something that he won’t be able to give me, though for now that probably doesn’t matter. It does worry me however that after this is over, I will have to pick myself up again and move on.
Dramatic, self centred, selfish? Yes. But since I have started to think about me, that is how I am.
I have realised that where I felt I could manage this thing on my own, I now realise I probably need some outside help to manage my feelings and my anxieties about the future.
For post 250 of my blog it is time i answered Fiona’s extra questions:
Don’t you just love blogger? Somehow this morning i wrote pretty much half a post and then suddenly it was gone – auto save apparently not working. So, no doubt this will turn out differently than i had been planning.
Life is feeling a little busy right now, so much so that i don’t seem to have had the time for blogging. Either that, or i am not giving my blog the time in my busy schedule that it deserves. Either way this is my first post in almost a week; unusual right now.
i am caught up in a whole whirl of family, work, and of course Graeme. At times it is hard to be able to sort out in my head where my priorities at any time lie. While i function as well as ever at work and definitely enjoy my job, it doesn’t mean as much to me as it used to. The redundancy experience last year was some of that, but also the feeling that there are more interesting things i could be doing instead. At the same time, while my family is very important, i don’t want to give them priority over other aspects of my life. Those areas where i can be myself.
Parts of the separate parts of my life have started to collide. My parents know about me seeing Graeme, since my sister in law (who i confided in) told my brother (as expected) and then who then ‘let it slip’ as it were. It is fine, but i did have to experience the third degree from my dad who loves to grill me in his direct way. My parents seem pleased for me, and want me to be happy, but are a little sad at the implication – my marriage really is over.
Then there is my son, who i am close to and who i have spent quite a bit of time with since he returned from university last summer. He met Graeme briefly on Saturday and i guess due to surprise / shock at seeing him in our house fled to his room like a teenager. Then he was faced with something of an unpleasant reality when Graeme stayed over on Saturday night and he and i were in bed until late Sunday morning. The way in which my son stormed out, was quite teen like for a 23 year old. He has been brought up to be friendly and courteous. He is well spoken and intelligent but obviously this encounter was too much. Nothing has been said yet, and i am waiting for him to make the approach. This is so obviously not what he wants to happen, but since i am making the decisions on my life at the moment, it is happening in this way.
Finally there is the time i am spending with Graeme. Right now, it feels that i would like more of it. What is more there are the different aspects of our lives that we are exploring. Getting to know each other generally, going out places together, chatting, laughing. Then there is the time in bed, getting to know each others bodies (perhaps we spent too long doing that Sunday?) And then there is the D/s element which we are discussing much more and are moving towards something that is a little more along the spectrum than i have previously experienced but which i am clear i am ready for.
If i think back just a few weeks, my life felt like it was forming into a rut again. Now, far from it. i am almost in a whirl from everything that is going on. Soon though i will have a few days away with Graeme for me to recenter and for us to consider this relationship with little outside interference.
I definitely need some time and space and then i will push forward with the next phase of my life. Year 3 of my journey is upon me and that year will, i think be a little different from the previous two.
I haven’t forgotten about Fiona’s question’s, and will answer them later. If there are any more i can answer them at the same time too…..
Last weekend i did something i didn’t think i would be able to. i took a man who is not my husband into my marital bed. What is more, i managed to not only have sex there but to sleep too.
For me, just having Graeme in the house, given when no one else was home, felt like something very big indeed.
As i move towards the end of my marriage i am trying to be clear to us both that i mean as i say. Sleeping with another man in my own room feels to me like some kind of defining moment on that journey.
Hubby and i still share when he is home (only one night this week), but there is no physical contact. i know (enough people have advised me) that i need to sort out the spare room and move his things in there. He has even offered to go. It is probably one of the next things that i will make happen.
Sleeping with Graeme is a lovely experience. He likes to touch during the night, to cuddle, spoon together. So far we have woken early, partly due to the excitement we both feel about this new relationship. But we have tend to lay in bed together, kissing, stroking and of course joined in some way later than i normally would. As someone who is generally lacking sleep and rest this is probably one of the best things for my physical and emotional well being. It is not getting my housework done to my satisfaction, but then you have to prioritise.
This Friday there will be another opportunity and i take it with relish. A big step, but a necessary one.
I have so much to write about, the posts and the experiences that have gone with it are mixed up in my head. Over the coming days I will separate them out and have a steady stream of things to write about. Today though I am going to reflect a little on the past month.
4 weeks ago yesterday I met Graeme in a local pub and while there was a spark between us, I could never have quite imagined that the connection between up would be quite as it so obviously is. The relationship we have begun to form seems to be pushing me towards making some significant changes to my life. He isn’t making me do anything, but somehow his influence, his support is helping me do what I need to.
Throughout my relationship with S, I knew I wanted to submit. It was a journey I embarked on with relish as I took on board the new experiences. Ok, so things changed midway but still I submitted to him in the bedroom in the way he wanted and in the way I learnt to do. BUT each relationship is different and this one, while there are elements that are similar, in many many ways is very very different. I feel like a different submissive with Graeme.
The biggest thing for me right now is exploring the two parts of myself. That is Julie – she is a professional woman, holding down a demanding job, a job which involves negotiating with and influencing others, giving advice and making decisions without reference to others. She is also someone with a husband who is having difficulty in recognising when a relationship is over, she has a propensity to slip between being over powering in the way she deals with their still joined up life to down right submissive when it comes to dealing with him as a person. She has a son who needs advice and guidance and she has parents who are not in the best of health and who need a growing level of support. She has siblings who don’t always pull their weight. She has some great friends but sometimes takes the weight of their lives on her shoulders for no good reason. Julie likes to solve problems, she has a tendency to get stressed and overwhelmed by life.
Then there is joolz – she has been created by Julie to help her explore submission. Or has she? That was my feeling at the beginning of this, when I created my blog, my fetlife and other names. joolz is a sexual submissive that is definitely clear. joolz likes to please but not in the way she pleases as Julie. She wants to give up power and control to another, she longs for a master to submit to and knows that as part of that she will discover the sexual fulfilment that she has been denied for so much of her adult life.
what I have learnt over the past month is that what I knew of joolz is only the tip of the iceberg. The voyage of discovery is so far from complete and that at times I feel I know nothing about who I (in whatever guise) am.
joolz is finding that when she is being herself she has no trouble thinking and speaking in the third person. She has no trouble giving herself completely and in being controlled, indeed she has no desire to control anyone or anything else. She knows what her role is and she gets more pleasure than she could have imagined from giving pleasure to the man who is becoming her Master.
The big question for joolz / Julie is just how much does she want / need to be which person, and indeed, could she be joolz full time, but let Julie sweep in and out when the situation arose without anyone on the outside actually noticing.
Deep down Julie would like this to be the case, since then she will be completely fulfilled.
The main thing is that I am so so much happier than I was a month ago and that Graeme has had a large part to play in this. I can’t say more thank that!
Apparently March is a month for asking questions here in blog land. I know that sometimes I don’t give my readers the level of detail they may seek so why not let me know what is on your mind and ask that question. Since Graeme has pretty much read every post on this blog now, I am sure he will be happy to help me answer!
Something funny is going on in my brain, in my subconscious. I keep finding myself thinking and even dreaming things where I convince myself that the changes that need to happen in my life have already happened. This morning I woke from the most amazing sleep thinking that I had told hubby about Graeme and he was fine about it. Then I remembered I hadn’t and he wouldn’t be if I did.
He has however thought about some of the other things I have told him about including the family night out and admitted that 1) it isn’t my fault and 2) if he doesn’t show his face around them for 6 months (or more) he can’t be expected to be invited to join them. Perhaps also he is beginning to acknowledge that my decisions about our relationship aren’t because he has done something specifically but because my feelings for him changed sometime in the last 30 years.
Graeme and I talked about the fact I have the 30 year anniversary thing looming in June and my need to take decisive action pretty soon.
We also talked about my not hiding Graeme away from my son for example, but instead starting to be more open and honest with people.
These are big steps for me. I have told people only parts of the truth for so long that it has become second nature. But if I really want my life to change then it is time to be completely open with people. I have the propensity to try to protect them and of course me from the consequences but actually I am dealing with adults here and they need to be able to deal with reality, as must I.
Sometimes I am scared by how fast my brain is moving things along, but then on days like today when I am feeling good, I realise this is how it needs to be.
Over the next few days I am going to be doing some great things, including the family do tomorrow night and some fun things out and about with Graeme. This morning it is not just that I am imagining good things but they are a reality!
I have a category on my tag cloud for random thoughts and this will fall into that arena. It is not long after 5.30am and how else can you approach writing something at this time?
There seems to have been a sea change in my attitude to hubby. I am at long long last holding my line and not taking all of the self pity that usually lands up with me feeling guilty. He is sad and miserable, he is lonely. But he is 55 years old, he has to take control of his life.
He was out last night and has just left after the usual procedure – drive from where he was, change for work, pick up sandwiches, spend half an hour lying in / on the marital bed and then leave. Yesterday I managed to ignore him sufficiently that I woke up when my alarm went off. This morning, no. As is usual during the week at the moment I am now going to struggle to activate my brain by 9am.
This week I have a family night out. My family. We are doing something special that my dad whose cancer is now palliative (you might say terminal) wants to do. It is a bucket list thing. Hubby is not invited. In my own opinion, I am handling this better than usual. I am not changing the booking and I am not going to endure what would be an uncomfortable evening for the sake of him. It is my dad’s night out and in his view hubby has not been a very good husband / son in law lately. He knows that I have been a bad girl (not how bad obviously) but still I am his daughter. Hubby and I have discussed the issue this morning and he knows the position that has been taken.
The truth is blatant to me though. It doesn’t matter to me any more what hubby wants. If I don’t want it, or someone special doesn’t want it, then that is the end of the matter.
My life is rapidly moving on after a long time of allowing it to tread water. I told myself weeks ago that I would move things along once my job was permanent. Funny how that coincided with meeting Graeme.
Speaking of Graeme, he comes here to read what I say regularly. We have discussed quite a lot of my previous posts and general ramblings. We will no doubt discuss this later. The question in my mind right now and something to discuss is whether I tell hubby sooner rather than later that I am seeing someone. I thought before no, after all it is kind of early days. But is it? We have seen a lot of each other all ready, spent many hours together in person and talking on yahoo. I don’t think he and I are going our separate ways any day soon.
So this morning, slightly less cheery. But the soft glow of the weekend still surrounds me. The promise of more to come keeps me going. Finally I feel in control of the part of my life that needs me to control it and I am learning to give up the part that I want to give to another.
This is early, this is random but maybe my brain is geared up more than I thought.
Time for coffee….