Love Our Lurkers

Since this is my first year of blogging around these parts it is my first Love Our Lurkers day. This is a day dedicated to those people who visit a blog but who rarely, if ever comment on that blog. Most of us began that way, exploring what might be a new area of interest, gaining the knowledge of life experiences from those living this lifestyle. Often they seem like places where the people who comment and get involved are the same people, close friends, a clique even. But once you get the nerve to write your name (which of course doesn’t need to be your real one) and a short (or long) message, you find that everyone is very welcoming. The great thing about D/s bloggers is just how friendly they are. Pretty much without fail they give individual replies to those who leave a comment on their blogs. You also find that while people read each others blog and chat like friends, in most cases they don’t actually know each other in real life. It is like a coffee shop where people meet for a coffee (maybe cake) and a chat, and then people go off on their way. Observers (lurkers) think they are close friends, but this is actually the only place they know each other from. And that’s the way they like it.

I know quite a few of you who visit this place visit reasonably frequently. I actually know who some of my lurkers are as they communicate with me in other ways (email or through fetlife). Everyone is very welcome to leave me a comment, I will welcome you with open arms. Who knows I may even have the coffee on…..

I have to admit that I am not feeling all that engaged with things D/s this week. Sir has been a bit off colour after a minor ‘procedure’ and I am having work related stuff going on. This has meant the few chats we have had since last Saturday have been pretty ordinary nay vanilla in context and form. Not that this is a bad thing in itself, but it is just that it feels there is little to write here. I am spending time reading the blogs of others, sometimes lurking (of course we all still do it) and sometimes commenting. I often read the blogs of others to get inspiration, particularly at times like this when I don’t have any exciting real life events to report and need some ideas to get me going. I get the feeling I am going to need some of those ideas in the coming weeks or else this will be a dull place where people won’t even lurk, much less comment.

I do have some good old ordinary vanillaesque (new word people) weekend to look forward to. My college boy son is granting us a visit after 2 months in the world of books and whatever else they get up to. Hubby and I are off out for a night out tomorrow with some good friends and on Sunday I have my folks visiting for a good old fashioned Sunday Roast. None of these things are in any way kinky, but I know I will enjoy them and they will be fun. I can’t ask more than that right now.

Submissive Guide Blog Hop Challenge 13

This is the second Blog Hop Challenge i have taken part in. Go over to Submissive guide on 25th of the month to see who else has taken up LunaKM’s challenge. This month’s is as follows:

Do you have a safeword? When was the last time you used it? Are you afraid to say your safeword for fear of appearing weak? What are you indicators that a scene has gone too far and you need to safeword?

I have a safeword. On that first night in the hotel, where i had no safe call organsied, where no one knew where i was or who i was with, Sir gave me a safeword. I can’t decide if i was foolish, naive or just trusting of my instincts that night. Others may consider me plain stupid, but though i was nervous in lots of ways i didn’t believe myself to be in any kind of mortal danger. On that first night, i played the the safeword over and over in my mind but never came even close to using it. The fact that i could was enough. Since then, once or twice i have said the word in my mind but i have never needed to say it out loud.

The limits i thought i had at the beginning have been stretched and pushed. i never really thought i would be keen on pain of any kind, but it turns out that actually i am. At the time of the pain i might not think i am enjoying it, but my body tells me otherwise. What is more it definitely tells Him. He touches me on my pussy after he has been spanking me with his hand or with say the lead to my collar and he discovers that i am very wet. I didn’t know that i would love to have my nipples or clit clamped but i do. I didn’t know that i would love anal sex but i do. Thinking of anal, actually it is sometimes quite painful to begin with. I have often i have asked Him to slow down and once or twice to stop. But i have not needed to safeword. This is because of the trust and understanding between us.

i trust Him to keep me safe, to listen to my responses to his touch and actions and in turn i open myself up to him. i know i can safeword, but to be honest, right now i see no time when i am going to need to. i don’t fear that using my safeword would make me seem weak, since i don’t fear appearing weak to Him. i know i have struck lucky in finding Master as my first (and as far as i see right now only Dominant) but i can trust Him and that is all that i need to worry about right now.

Reflections – Judgement

As you might expect, during my period away from home, from work and the daily chores of life i have had time to properly reflect on where i have got to in my life and in what i am currently doing in relation to seeing Sir. At the beginning of the holiday, there were numerous times when i wanted to have ‘that’ conversation with my husband. To tell him that i want something different from life, that i want…what? Trouble with me is i really do want it all. i am no longer sure i want to break up my marriage of getting on for 30 years unless i have a pretty good alternative. It is not the living on my own i wouldn’t like, it is more the mess i would live behind and the fact i would need to find somewhere to live. i would lose friends, lose the respect of family and much more. i would really hurt hubby. The alternative (to doing nothing) is to come clean about the affair side of things and to seek an open relationship. This would be my preference, but of course, once i open my mouth to hubby there would be no turning back and i could find myself rapidly in scenario one. As the week went on, and we were able to talk, laugh and to have some fun (though no sex), i realised that perhaps for now it is best to keep the status quo. i don’t really seek to change my life significantly, Sir lives quite a way away and my job and my family are here.

My biggest problem is that i hate the deception. i have been the one to be deceived and i didn’t like it. In the past i have been able to hold the moral ground, as i could always say to hubby that whatever else i had done, i had never slept with another man. During the last 6  months though, i have had enough sex with another man to constitute 3 years of sleep! No moral ground for me now then! i hate the idea of being judged when all i am doing is finding something of myself in my 50th year. i feel i deserve that deep down, but trouble is that i know that life is not that simple. People will and do judge. People judge each other when they don’t even really know each other, let alone when they are friends and family. We all have moral standards and values, and i am no different.

When i started this blog, i was very fearful of being judged by the community that i was seeking to enter; hence my disclaimer at the top of my blog. My take on this was that i judge myself already and don’t actually need anyone who reads what i write to make those judgements too. Until now, i have found the BDSM blogging community to be pretty tolerant. Personally i love to read about the lives of my fellow bloggers, some of the things they have done have led me to consider new options for myself and Sir. Littleone and Fondles both bought corsets and then i got myself one which Sir loved. It is the stories of spanking which have led to more spanking taking place in my scenes with Sir (we have both read blogs where lots of spanking takes place). But there is plenty of what i read that i don’t want for myself and Sir doesn’t want for us. We may discuss some of these things, we make judgements. i wouldn’t go to other peoples blogs and tell them that their choices are rubbish and that they are wrong to have taken them. i might join a discussion about them, but when i write comments i try to be kind. i have without exception, found people commenting here to be kind people. Some of those who do comment (i am making a judgement here), probably disagree with the idea of me having an affair while still married to hubby and while he is in the dark about things. But if they do then they don’t show it and for that i am grateful. This doesn’t mean that people have to agree with what i or others say, people can and do express their thoughts but tact and kindness is key.

Since i am still on leave from work, and hubby is not, i had plenty of time yesterday to catch up with all the reading i had missed on my favorite blogs. i was surprised and upset by the events over the past few days at finding my submission where judgements were expressed in an unpleasant way. i am pleased to say that many fellow bloggers showed their support for sin and that those events led to a number of posts by sin, aisha and sfp at jumping on in about blogging and the extent to which we provide a support group for each other and don’t judge when perhaps we should, about anonymity and about having opinions but just being nice about them. As usual, something not so pleasant has led to lots of discussion. Trouble is, that in the original post, sin was trying to express some concerns about her relationship with her Master which like mine is extra marital. Those concerns got lost in lots of other valuable discussion, but left sin and others feeling wounded (i am making a judgement based on what i have read). So i guess that after this long ramble what i am saying is, by all means judge, but be nice when you do it, and don’t forget the original message.

Internet searches

i am sure that many of my fellow bloggers have such busy and varied lives that they have no need to bother with their blog stats. i on the other hand am interested to see what activity there is. This is despite my assertion that i writing this purely for myself. This doesn’t  mean i am lying, since the blog is mainly there for me to record what is happening to me so i can look back and monitor what has happened, when and where.

But i would definitely be telling porkies if i said i didn’t look at my stats at least once a day if online. I am not the least bit worried about  how many people pop by; i just like to know. To begin with i was intrigued that most visitors seemed to come from odd websites about home insurance or employment (maybe someone can tell me how this happens).

For the first time today though i have noticed some interesting search terms used to visit my blog. For example: kneeling for anal sex (in my experience, not only should you kneel, but perhaps bend over on all fours), suspender belt, stockings and skirt (yes i wore those today), butt plug skirt (not sure if this is linked to the previous one, but the two things could be worn at the same time, though not compulsory), sex and submission (yes this is the place for that as i do both).

So while i don’t write the most popular, busiest blog on the planet, which is fine as i am mainly here for myself and for Sir, i do appear to be providing a service. This can only be a good thing!

Submissive personality?

What me?

i thought i would give the blog hop challenge over on Submissive guide a go this month. Never one to do things in advance, i am writing this today and the closing date is today. mind you, with the time difference, i still have 10 hours to go.

So the question is – Are you a quiet obedient submissive or is there an element of playful brattiness in your dynamic? How would you describe your submissive personality? How does your owner encourage or enhance who you are?

Master tells me that i am very submissive at times. i wear what he wants me to wear and generally do as he wants me to do even if what i am being asked to do is uncomfortable. i do these things because i want to and because i trust him and his judgement. Over the last 5 months (give or take a week or so) i have learned to submit more and more to his will. From the first time that i touched myself in a public place and told him that i was a slut, i have been thrilled at the idea of being owned in this way. i have dressed as a maid and taken photos of myself. i have dressed in a short skirt that just about covered my bare backside on more than on occasion, i have submitted to being tied to his bed and spanked. i have worn a butt plug to a meeting at work and to walk around a supermarket at lunch time. All of these things (and others) have been done with a minimum of argument.

However i am no walkover. i am not completely submissive in all of my life all of the time. Ok so i am not in a 24/7 relationship with Sir, but even so i do tell him when i think things are unreasonable, too painful or if i thing something just isn’t possible. i meet him on my terms and we discuss things outside of the scenes we play as equals. I also have my home life, work, running the household etc. Sir would probably say i am much too submissive to hubby, as i do too many things he should do himself (laziness is his problem), but i do so for a quiet life. I spent too much of my marriage fighting and don’t wish to do it anymore.

i love to be submissive, i know i am submissive by nature, but that doesn’t mean that i don’t have my own will or that i don’t use it. What is great though is that Master continues to push me, to explore the things that i think i don’t want to do and actually find i not only can but want to. i guess that is all part of the journey to find out who i am. What is more it is something i love!

One Lovely Blog

It has been a busy week. Sometimes when i look back on a period of 7 days i am amazed that it has only been a week. This week is a case in point since 7 days ago i was waking up in Barcelona, while we were there we packed lots in, then we flew home and the next day i went back to work. Work is busy right now. Plus there was food shopping, which i would normally do at the weekend and then washing, lots of it. 

In my absence / while i was busy many of my favourite bloggers and some i am only just acquainting myself with were awarding One Lovely Blog awards. So now it is my turn. 
The One Lovely Blog Rules of Acceptance

Thank the person/people who nominated you and link back to them in your post.
Share seven possibly unknown things about yourself.
Nominate fifteen or so bloggers you admire.
Contact the chosen bloggers to let them know and link back to them.

i have been nominated by Aisha, Jake, Fondlers Anonymous and Littleone, thank you to all of you. I am particularly pleased and honoured to be nominated since i am so new to this wonderful kinky world and my blog is only a few months old.

I am relieved that there only needs to be seven things, i had a go recently at the 100 things list (it is unpublished) but got stuck before i got to 10. So here are 7

  1. i am a nurse by profession, but have worked in ‘management’ for the last 11 years. i often think about going back to the bedside but the reality is that i don’t think i will
  2. i have 2 brothers, both younger than me. i was always on one hand bossy and on the other let them get away with murder. i have always been someone who does all they can for other people and they are no exception.
  3. My birthday is coming up, i will be 50. I am a Leo and often display those lion like tendencies. My roar is much worse than any lion kind of bite though!
  4. Hubby was my first real boyfriend. i had a couple of little flings before we got married but after a long courtship (old fashioned term i know) of 6 years we tied the knot.
  5. It was another 7 years before my lovely son came along. i have loved being a mother and feel proud he has turned out so well. Parenting is a very important thing and something you just have to learn as you go along. i miss him being my little boy but on the other hand like to spend time with the adult he now is!
  6. i love the sea and would love to live at the seaside. i find it has a calming and settling effect on me. i love the look of it and i love the salty wind that blows through your hair. Sir lives by the sea…….
  7. i struggle with my weight. i love to eat and can think of very few things i don’t like. i also like a glass of wine or 3. i don’t like exercising. But here is the thing, i can eat really healthily, i can abstain from drinking and i can and do exercise. Trouble is i am inconsistent and therefore my weight yo yo’s a bit. Restarting zumba this week coming…

As i am new to all of this, though as i have said before not new to blogging, i couldn’t get to 15, i am still building my blog roll but this exercise has helped me find more which is great. i have started to read blogs each day so have cut down my facebook experience (thank goodness)!

The first sub/slave blog i ever read was libby’s a submissive’s musings which i have read so much of. i was intrigued by her lifestyle and while i am not sure i could be slave material i was drawn to the structure and rules she and others live within.

littleone, at willing slut, apply within, was the first person to leave me a comment on my blog. i love to read her blog and to follow her ongoing journey which is really quite similar to mine.

kitty – the submissive wife is another blog i enjoy reading and what is more i love the beautiful dress on her front page – weird but true!

Fondlers Anonymous writes so much wonderful sense, she lives her life to the full. i love to read about what she and BIKSS are getting up to and about the thoughts and feelings that go with it. There are parallels between our lives since while she is free, BIKSS is not.

aisha is another blogger who writes regularly and has some really great stuff to say about her life and its ups and downs.

sin at finding my submission is someone who writes about all aspects of life whether that is about submission and kink or whether it is about every day stuff.

Jake at Leather Cuffs and Silken Bonds has a blog that is just so educational to a novice such as me. Also just realised he has also nominated me so thank you Jake

Spanky at Bright Bottom finds some wonderful photos and other links which i love to look through and which i have shared from time to time with Sir.

Harper Eliot at It girl rag doll provides a mixture of stories, life and art. A great read.

Submission & metaphor and pain’s pleasure, both of whom write beautifully and honestly. What’s not to like?

New month, new look

i have given myself a makeover, as i wasn’t all that sure about the orangeness i had before. i quite like the new look, what do you think?

This blog makeover led me to think about what to write about today, and my appearance seems to be something worthy of a post, so here goes.

Since i have been seeing Sir i have been thinking much more about my appearance and about the clothes i wear. It is not that previously i looked like someone who had been dragged through a bush and then went around wearing a sack, far from it. But i wore trousers a lot, rarely bothered with make up and rarely took the time to match my underwear. Sir prefers to see my legs and he likes  me in stockings, preferably held up with a suspender belt. Since i threw out all of the suspender belts i ever owned some time ago, i have had to invest in new ones. Plus since i am tall, i have had to explore which supplier of stockings suits my height and build best. Over the last few months i have had some difficult moments with stockings being too short and suspender belts wanting to follow them down to my feet!

Sir likes me out and about without knickers, even when he is not with me. i have actually enjoyed doing this for him. Knowing there is nothing between my bare pussy and ass and the outside world, other than my skirt tends to focus my mind on what i am doing and how i move. It makes me think of who i am, what i am and who i am doing this for. That i expect is the point of the exercise. i don’t do this all of the time, i am human, i like to wear trousers, sometimes it is windy and sometimes i just plain forget and wear knickers. i also cannot and will not wear stockings all the time when he isn’t around me. For a start, bare legs are best for summer and even though the weather in the UK has so far been mainly unsummer like, i like to make the point to the world that this is summer.

The other issue is shoes. As i said above i am tall. i tend to wear shoes that are either flat, or else with just a small heel. I do own shoes with heels, but tend not to wear them all that much. Actually i do look quite good in heels, i have long legs and they do lend themselves well to a heel.

Sir is shorter than me in height, indeed this is the first time i have been with someone who isn’t taller than me. He seems to like it and to be honest he has other features that mean i don’t mind if he doesn’t. We are settling on the very high heels for the bedroom (as it were) and perhaps slightly less high for when we are out and about. This means i am less taller than him and also can actually walk.

The final thing which i have changed relates to hair (pussy rather than that on my head). Since i have been seeing Sir i have removed it all and kept it pretty much shaved. Hubby has always been on at me to do this, and i have resisted in the past, but now i am bare down there, i actually like it. i am quite a hairy person if i don’t shave / use hair removal products, so always removed some hair. But actually the feel of my own bare skin is something i have decided i like for myself as well as for him.

Still to attend to is my weight. i have a constant battle with it and just lately i feel it is creeping up (well actually i know it is creeping up) and i need to get better control of my food intake, and of my exercise regime. This is something Sir can’t really help with, and i know it is something i need to do myself. And i will.

Saturday thoughts

i like Saturdays. The one day of the week when i nether have to go to work today or tomorrow, don’t get me wrong, i do like work, i enjoy my job very much, but i also like days when i don’t work. On Saturdays i tend to get up early. I tend not to sleep late these days and actually i like to get up when the house is quiet and i like to get my laptop out and see what is going on in the webworld. Lately i like, while i am alone, to think about what has happened, might happen and blog about it here. Pain’s Pleasure’s blog post yesterday has inspired the words i am writing this morning.

For the last few months, since i decided to explore more about D/s i have read so much both online and off. I have been struck by just how much information is out there and just how many well thought out, well written words there are out there for people like me to find. i have also been struck by how welcoming people can be to their community when you happen to stumble across it and leave a mark or two of your own. As i have mentioned before, i don’t even have friends i can talk about the state of my marriage with, let alone discuss what i like to do with the man i am illicitly having an affair with. So being offered the hand of contact and perhaps in time virtual friendship is very welcome.

I am struck by the extent to which the blog world provides an opportunity to see such a wide range of lifestyles and interests, while at the same time feeling like a community. i found this before when blogging about nursing. Through writing a nursing / work related blog, i have found that our lives while different, are often so so similar. i have found that people across the world with similar interests have many more similarities than they do differences. The same seems to go for the BDSM world. As with nursing, there are many specialities, different ways of living the lifestyle, but something brings those people together. My blog roll here is getting longer and this is now one of the first places i come to when turing on my computer. i love to see what has been happening to people, or how their wonderful vivid imaginations are working. i enjoy thinking about the lifestyles people are living and wondering if that is something i would want to consider.

Would i want to live a 24/7 lifestyle, could i do it?  Possibly, and certainly i would like the opportunity to live it much more than i am now.

Am i slave material? Probably not, i am probably much too mouthy, far too used to being controlling over my own life. I am also not sure about domestic discipline type stuff – this is one of many things that Fondlers Anonymous has been discussing here

Do i want to be spanked more, given that Sir isn’t really all that keen on inflicting pain in that way? Mind you he has got the hang of causing pretty acute pain to my nipples and breasts once he realised what it did to my ability to submit. So maybe.

So as i get on with Saturday, and i must get on with the less enjoyable part (ironing then shopping to do), before getting onto more fun things (a walk and lunch with hubby), i have to say a big thank you to the people i have met online so far, to those whose blogs are helping expand my mind and thoughts and who have welcomed me into their world.

While at times i am really struggling with my emotions, i can honestly say i am feeling much happier with life than i was 3 months ago when all this began for me. Of course alot of that is about my lovely Master, but much of it is about so much more!

The challenges of the online world

I have been blogging since 2006 and still have another place that i write my thoughts (mainly to do with work related stuff), though i have been bad at updating it lately. In the past that blog has received quite a few visitors and through them i have visited lots of other blogs and read lots of very interesting and informative posts. when i first started exploring the D/s lifestyle one of the first thing i did was to look at and read blogs. Lots and lots of them. I find other people’s lives, even when they think they are doing quite dull things, to be really interesting. Maybe i am nosey, or maybe i like the fact you can make ‘friends’ with people online. Indeed some of my Facebook friends are from my online blog community. i don’t get many visitors here yet, but that is fine. i am writing most of this stuff for myself so i can go back and look later to see how my journey is progressing, my thoughts and feelings etc.

In all my time blogging i have never had one of my posts completely stolen. So i was really shocked yesterday to come across this post on Submissive Sanctury. Lil does write beautifully, so i guess if you were going to plagiarise, her’s would be the kind of work to take. But when you proport to be writing about yourself and your life why steal the lives of others? Do some people just not have their own original thoughts. Lets face it, it is easy to take the work of others from the internet, but why not ask someone if you can reproduce something, or as i have done, link to it?

The other type of place i go to online is to some of the various ‘lifestyle’ forums. After exploring 2 or 3 i have decided i quite like Fetlife. I have found though that peope can be just as judgemental there as in any other place (real or online). It is interesting to me that people who may find themselves judged by others for their beliefs and for the way they conduct their lives can themselves lay judgement on others. Sex outside of marriage without the consent of ones spouse is a particular area that gets people going; this makes it wise, for a person like me, to choose carefully how i contribute if i don’t want to be shot down in flames (which i don’t). The good thing is that i have found a new online friend who is in a similar position to me, though further forward, and i have joined a couple of groups on fetlife that are more sympathetic to people such as me.

The online world is not substitute for real life, but it sure can be an interesting place if you know where to look!

Learning the emotional and psychological aspects of submission

Over the last couple of evenings i have been chatting to a Dom i met in a chat room about the deeper meanings of the D/s lifestyle. He is younger than i am, but has years of experience and a wealth of knowledge. He and i have been engaging in a deep discussion about the person i am now, what i am not happy about regarding myself now and where i need to get to. He has suggested that i record a journal about all of this, and this blog will be that journal. i am going to be creating a separate page on this blog for the record i will create and we will see how we go. i already have some thoughts on the subject of ‘who i am now’ and ‘the person i will be’ but i haven’t yet put pen to paper or whatever the online version of that it.

i see that we are beings made up of body, and mind. We are not two separate people and one affects the other. Attending to the body without considering the mind will not lead to fulfillment of any kind. The guy i have been chatting too seems keen to attend to my psychological education and well being. He is much too easy to talk to but since we are anonymous to each other there is nothing but good that can emerge as far as i can see it.

i am under no illusions about the relationship Master and i are developing. It is mainly sexual and given that sex has been pretty much absent from my life in any meaningful sense for a long time i am not going to let that worry me. i have to have fun while i am learning. But i am recognising that this isn’t just or even really about sex. i know that i am on a journey and the master i have now won’t suit me later. So dear reader, watch this space (or one near by).