Reflections on the past – My submission today

Master has frequently looked back on my
blog and reminded me of things that I have written. He is quite
a reflective person, and while I am too, he often sees things that I maybe
don’t.
This week we have been discussing my
submission. This is the first time since May 2014 that we have been apart for
this length of time. While it has been difficult to manage the lack of physical
contact we have texted and have spoken every evening on Skype. What it has done
though is give us the space to think about our relationship on a deeper, Master
/ slave level.
For many months we have in the main
lived relatively vanilla lives, going about our business, enjoying our social
life and holidays. Sex is always pretty kinky and there is always an
undercurrent of M/s. The S/m side has taken something of a back seat in the
main, mainly because of his shoulder problem which I am glad to say is now
resolved. We are both keen to reenergise that part of our relationship along
with redefining the Master / slave dynamic.
The other evening when we were chatting,
he pointed out that I was touching my collar a lot.  Thinking
about it, that is something I do a lot. I love to feel the metal
around my neck as well as the cuff on my wrist. I have rarely removed either
since he gave them to me.

he reminded me last night
of something I said when we first met. I struggled to find it, and of
course He went to it and pointed it out. It comes from 4th February 2014
as I analysed our first play date. Below is the full post: 

I don’t know how things will pan out
with this new Dom or if we will play more than a few times. i don’t know if the
special person will be him or another. What i do know is that i seem to have
restarted the journey that stalled months ago. 
Over the last few months with S,
we had some fantastic times. The kinky sex we had (much of it described here)
was fantastic. The submission was in the moment and was really good. But i
wasn’t truly submitting to anyone. At the time that was fine, right for where i
was and where he was.
Now though i feel differently. i
kind of feel liberated by the fact he has another and i have made the decision
that whatever happens there is no going back to that or to him.
i am thinking about submission a
lot. i am considering even what it might be like to give up more control, even
perhaps to enter a Master / slave relationship. That’s not to say i ever would,
but i am giving it some thought and in a considered and serious way.
The playdate on Sunday put me in a
good place, and rather than drop, i have kind of stayed there. Not on the high
that all of those orgasms gave me. But in a place where my submission has come
to the forefront and is just there, kind of so i can touch it.
The playdate on Sunday put me in a
good place, and rather than drop, i have kind of stayed there. Not on the high
that all of those orgasms gave me. But in a place where my submission has come
to the forefront and is just there, kind of so i can touch it.




The part he
keeps returning to is as the end of my post, where I talk about the fact that
my submission  is such that I  feel that I can touch it. Somehow, needing the physical
reassurance of my submission by touching my collar and the way in which we
remind each other of our place in this relationship are both ways in which I
feel my submission. For him it is about feeling the power of his dominance and seeing my  submission. It offers us confirmation that however we live our lives and whatever gets
int he way of being able to play and have kinky fun, we are and always were
Master and slave. That I was his submissive from the start.

So, while this isn’t really a difficult problem in
the big scheme of things the world faces it is something that we feel is
important. As such, I offer this post as Day 20 of 365 days – What is the
hardest thing you are dealing with?

 


That shows just how good life is right now I think!

Submissive Coffee Club #176

SCC Writing prompt
Prompt Set #176
 Are you happy with quiet and graceful submission or do you sometimes long to be tamed?
I am not sure I am particularly quiet or graceful, indeed last night on Skype I was accused (quite rightly) of talking over Master when he is trying to say something. I can’t seem to help my need to get out my own view, and I know I really have to stop doing it. I am maybe acting out a little bit, since he is currently away and I am here doing the mundane stuff of going to work etc. I am probably better when we are together and I can feel the effects of his dominance over me more effectively. In turn, he probably ought to be a little stricter with me, but I guess that would take some work. In general though he is pretty good at keeping me in line.
Do you act out just to feel the reassurance of your Dominant’s power over you?
Not really, or certainly not knowingly. Having said that, I do find his power reassuring and I know that he finds my submission and his power erotic. After close on two years together, I suppose we have just settled into what feels right for us.
Why can extra structure feel good when the world outside your submission is stressful?
I think that extra structure helps me to refocus on what is important in life and makes me remember who and what I am. The only really important thing is that I am his slave and it is good for me to remember that. Serving him is my purpose in life and that is where my focus should be. By reminding me of those things, I am easily brought into line, Physical things, like wearing my plug or a posture collar, or even kneeling also help.

SCC Writing prompt #164

The thing that always pulls me back into the submissive mindset is when Master refers to me as girl, rather than saying for example ‘you’ or using my given name (though to be honest he doesn’t often do that). I am always girl, or this girl, in bed and during a scene; it is my slave name. There are plenty of other names I am called – slut, bitch, cunt; but always girl. If Master reminds me that I should be referring to myself as ‘this girl’, well then that is enough to stop me dead in my tracks and to comply with his wishes. I have to admit I find it interesting that this is the case since I know well I am a woman, a middle aged woman, but to him I am girl; this girl. Of course if he should refer to me as ‘good girl’, well then I am in my element. A swooning submissive slave girl.

The collar is my real world trigger. It is made of titanium and so is not as heavy as a collar made of steel. There are times, whole hours worth of time, when I forget I have it on. I might catch sight of myself in the mirror and there it is plain as day. A sign of slavery, ownership; submission. Sometimes I wonder why the collar of my dress / shirt feels so heavy, and realise it is the collar. Then there are the times I wake with the collar in an odd position and think about the fact I am his slave. After 4 months or so of wearing the collar I can truly say that it continues to add to my feelings of submission. I love wearing it and love the fact that he and I know what it means and also that there are people out there who also know. I also like the fact that 99% of the people who encounter me during my daily life have no idea, most don’t even notice more than some chunky jewellery.

My go to remedy every time would be the butt plug. There is something about the cool metal slipping into the space where you feel nothing should probably be placed. The pressure that you need to apply to get it to ease past the tightness of the anal sphincter and the feeling as it pops into place. Then the feeling of fullness and the effect it seems to have on my general wellbeing. The way it relaxes me and helps me think about who and what I am. Plus, yes, the way it reminds me of what else finds its way into that very space. Master knows the effect the plug has on me, and will instruct me to insert it when he feels I am getting just that little bit bratty, anxious or both.

Used

This girl, this slave, was used by her Master this morning.

The past couple of weeks, since this girl was collared have been quiet. Last weekend this girl felt quite unwell – one of those non specific problems that never quite materialises into an actual illness, but none the less you don’t feel well. Sex occured, but this girl wasn’t really an active participant. So much so, that the absence of orgasms on her part didn’t feel like any kind of issue.

This weekend has been different. Master and this girl spent the weekend at her place so she could get some chores done. It has been a pleasant and quiet time, but she has been used; in all three holes.
Master reminded this girl of the need to start each sentence with ‘this girl’.
This girl knows how Master gets off on the power and control elements of their relationship and it is perhaps the biggest area that she needs to work on. It is just too easy to slip into ordinary life and then failing to remember this girl’s place in the order of things.
Anyway, back to this morning.
Master spent time bringing this girl to orgasm through stimulation of the nipples that He owns; tweaking, pinching and then sucking. Then He mounted her, thrusting His wonderful cock inside the first of her slutty holes. The tight cunt was temporarily resistant, but after a few moments this girl felt Him slide into His property. At that point she felt the familiar relief to feel Him inside her, to know that she was about to be used. The most amazing thing is the way He is able to stroke His cock against the piercing as He moves in and out of her, those first few strokes are almost enough to bring her to orgasm.
Then came the instruction to get on top of Master, something this girl did with pleasure. This girl has said it before, but a position that on the face of things seems so dominant is just such a submissive place for a slave to be. Master has such control over so much of His slave’s body while she is the one who does all of the work. At some point during that part of proceedings, this girl’s mind emptied and she felt herself sink (or maybe rise), into her slave space.
Master proclaimed that it had been months since this girl’s arse had been properly used, and so He proceeded to throughly use her. If this girl was already submitting to her Master, and if she was already in subspace, then this act took her to another place entirely. It took her to a place where she was unable to move her body and then to a place where she brought herself to orgasm while He pounded inside her.
Then, just as if an alarm clock went off. This girl’s mum phoned. Master gave her permission for her to pick up the phone (there was a few minutes gap in proceedings and there is only one person who would ring before midday on a Sunday).
But, not to be outdone by either this girl or her mother, Master had kept things going with His cock during the interlude. So, this girl was able to claim her reward. Leaning down to take Master’s cock into her mouth, He was able to use this girl’s third whole. This girl is proud to say that Master came into her mouth.
Yes, it has been a while. But this morning, this girl was used.

Limits

On returning from holiday, where access to the internet was often limited and intermittent, I have spent time catching up. It has been great getting up to date with everyones blogs, commenting and writing a little. I have also been catching up with posts on Fetlife.

I have a love hate relationship with that place. It should be a great place to meet people and to see what they are up to, to discuss topics that are mutually interesting. But as with other social media it can be a tricky place. People aren’t always treated with respect in the way that they seem to be in our little blog world.

Anyway, the other day I did a bit of clicking from friends to photos and comments they had commented on and through the whole 6 degrees of separation thing found myself on the profile of someone living not so far from me. This person, friend of a friend of a friend (or whatever) says she is a submissive. Not a slave but a submissive. In her profile she goes into great detail about her wants and desires and about her limits. A very very long list of limits, hard and harder.

The person in question is a submissive and I know myself to be Master’s slave. But she does talk about wanting to feel controlled, but in a positive way. She talks of pain, but not as punishment and nothing too painful.

This has led me to think about my approach to this whole lifestyle and the fact that I have essentially given up control of what limits I had to another. what is more, it didn’t take me long to do so. There is more to it though, I am not sure that I ever sat down and worked out what those limits were. Part of that is not because I would do anything I was every told to do by just anyone, but because at my advanced age I have decided that it is time to explore my sexuality in a way I never even expected.

It would have been so easy to read other peoples blogs, books and fettle profiles. It would be easy to watch some pornography and look at photos and decide yuk that is not for me. Well, there are things I see and read I am not so sure about but I don’t discount anything without giving it a great deal of thought. But if I had created a long list of definitely won’t do I wouldn’t have experienced the things I have, or the things I might in the future. Instead I have decided to trust the man who is my Master.

It is after all the relationship that is the important thing here, since this isn’t about play. This is about real life and the experiences that make us what we are.

Perhaps the lady whose profile I encountered is really looking for a play partner, I don’t know. But what I do know is that if you don’t open your mind a little you will never fully know what your kinks really are or the extent of your limits. Plus you won’t understand the core of a D/s relationship – the power exchange, the trust that is necessary. For me at least that is what this is about.

This girl’s submission

A lot is being written about submission at the moment, much of it in the context of the whole 50 Shades of Grey hype. It has been good to see articles in newspapers and magazines written by those who live this lifestyle themselves. It has also led to a number of bloggers writing on the topic themselves.

For this girl, deciding to write about her submission is less about any outside influences, although they have been thought provoking. Actually this is about something within, about a sense that this girl’s submission is developing further. Partly this is because Master is pushing this girl to explore her limits, but also that she wants to do so.
To begin with submission felt like a desire, a want. Something to try. It was possible to switch it on and off, to be Master’s girl when they were together, and then to get on with real life. Pretty soon though this girl realised that it wasn’t so easy to put it out of her mind. Overtime it has become a need.
Part of this is structured through the contract. Within it, this girl needs to consider Master’s view on the things she does. She needs at all times to wonder whether He would be happy with what she is saying or doing, whether He would be proud of her actions and behaviours. This has at times caused this girl to act differently than she would previously. It also gives her cause to reflect on her actions afterwards. Whenever Master says good bye to this girl, whether in person or say on Skype (which is how they communicate during the working week), He tells this girl to be good. She often laughs this off, but actually it is important. It is a reminder. He is not particularly hot on punishment, for that this girl is glad and grateful. But this doesn’t mean she wilfully misbehaves anyway.

Then there is the way in which we address each other. He is Master and that is what this girl calls Him. Sometimes she almost refers to Him as Master to others; family members or colleagues. In her own head she thinks of Him as Master, because that is who and what He is. Master always refers to this girl as girl. She is pretty sure that is the way He thinks of her, as His girl. During play or sex, this girl often calls Him Lord. He loves her to refer to Him in this way. There was a time when this girl laughed in the face of such a title, but not any more. In this relationship, this girl needs to consider the respect with which she treats her Master. Gradually He is also becoming her Daddy, as He guides her and teaches her the ways of His world. To Him this girl is a bitch or a slut. She loves to be called these names and He loves it when she refers to herself in this way.For much of the time we have been together, this relationship has been conducted in private. First in play and in the bedroom and then within the confines of our homes. This doesn’t mean that Master hasn’t always touched His girl – a feel of her bottom or nipple for example – while they are out in public. This girl is required to dress without underwear when we are together, unless she seeks permission. Master prefers access to this girl’s body at all times, though He is relaxed about her wearing trousers etc during winter. The feel of His hand on this girl’s bare bottom as we walk along together helps to remind her of her submission, what is more, she finds it arousing and she loves Him to turn her on in this way. Now though we are branching out, we have started to attend a local munch regularly and this girl has asked Master to consider a play party for them to attend soon. When it happens, it will be her first time playing in public in front of others and also to watch other people. This girl feels that it will be an important step for her, but probably something she needs to do.

This girl’s submission is increasingly about the power that Master has taken from her and which He exerts over her. It is an ever present aspect of their relationship together. For Master, the power exchange is what arouses Him, indeed it is at the core of who He is. He doesn’t look for, nor get any kind of doormat, but we both know who is in charge in this relationship. For the first time in her life, this girl is able to go through whole days of her life without making much in the way of a decision. This is highly liberating for someone who thought she was a control freak. Often in restaurants these days, this girl barely glances at the menu, and never bothers to look at the wine list since she never chooses the wine anyway. That power exchange though is not always an overt thing, something that can be seen by others, it is implicit, at the centre of who we are, an ever present undercurrent to our everyday life.

Master’s kinks are increasingly becoming this girl’s kinks. Luckily, she is willing to try most things once (at least), she trusts that He will keep her safe and so puts herself into His safe hands. So when she dresses for His pleasure, when she lies down in the playroom and He experiments with the new attachments on His violent wand, when she pisses on Him or he on Her the pleasure He feels becomes hers. This girl is there for Him, to be used yes, but also to reap the benefits and to enjoy her submission.

There are outward signs of ownership; the piercings and the bracelet. In the future there will very likely be a tattoo of some kind and hopefully a collar. He would like a slave with very short hair, maybe shaved, He may not get that from this girl (but never say never).

But really this girl’s submission is not about those things. This submissive craves Master’s Dominance and He her submission. Who knows where all of this is going to lead? Maybe it is about the journey though, not the ultimate destination.

Kinky sex

Lots of it.

I wrote this on Monday, but somehow didn’t find the time to post. So as you read this, imagine it is still Monday.

I can’t deny being a happy girl today. After the stresses of the build up and run up to Christmas, I have spent the last couple of days in Master’s company. Generally, as the temperatures here have plummeted, we have been relaxing during that time together. But we have also fitted in a concert and dinner out plus meals enjoyed together in doors, that and some wine, beer and some champagne.

Last week we took that champagne with us for our weekend away, but somehow we just didn’t get the time in our room together to enjoy it, to relax. Last night though, we did just that, relaxed, watched TV and drank champagne.

Then we went to bed and had some very good sex. I guess if you were a fly on the walls (so long as you were deaf), you would think that most of the sex we enjoy appears reasonably vanilla. But it really is far from it. While there may have been no restraints or spanking implements (other than the little paddle Master playfully used on me as a ‘punishment’ for brattiness), one of the key elements that is always present is the power dynamic.

I am the submissive and He is without doubt in control the whole time. He loves that part of the dynamic, but then I suppose that is what makes Him the Dominant and me, well not. So whatever the position He is the one in charge. I had never imagined that being on top of Him or even sitting on his face could still be a place of submission, but it certainly can be and is for me. Sometimes on the face of it (pardon the pun), the sex might look pretty ordinary, pretty tame, but listen to the commentary that goes with it and you will find it is pretty damn kinky.

I for one am looking forward to lots more of the same in 2015.

Happy New Year!!

 

Life is good, life is bad

That is just how it feels.

On the one hand I feel free to be the person I know I am. In that freedom, I am able to enjoy being His slave, His bitch, His piece of fuckmeat. As and when He chooses.

He has bought me a leather bodice top, kind of corset like, which completes the leather look He wants for me. This weekend, He played with me harder than for a while.

He is shaping me into the slave He wants.

At the same time, we are having some good, fun times together. Spending time in each others company, just being.

BUT

The respite I had hoped for after losing my dad is not happening. Mum is physically unwell, in hospital with a chest infection and a series of falls. We thought her problems were emotional and psychological as a result of losing her husband of 55 years.

The responsibility of being the daughter she needs right now is weighing me down, and while my brothers say they don’t begrudge my obvious happiness elsewhere, I can’t help but carry the burden.

Balance is the thing, I know that. I am seeking that balance and know that I have Master to help me find it.

That is why, I have struggled with the words here on my blog. But hopefully this little post is the start of the end of my slight bloggers block.

Friday – Dirty weekend 2

Sometimes a girl has such a good time that she needs to write a series of posts. The title of this one is dirty weekend. For the first in this series you need to look here.

This girl arrived at Master’s just before 7, slightly stressed – this was because the bag she thought she would take with her for the weekend couldn’t be found and because her busy day had slightly caught up with her.
Dinner was a thai takeaway; Pleasant if with a slightly overpowering sense of ginger and chilli. The wine was good though and it felt good to catch up on events (including the munch girl hasn’t yet written about). A little later, Master asked “what would girl like to do now”? Like girl had any choice in the matter!
Master thought it would be good if his girl got into her collar and breast harness, both of which require His assistance. What is it about that collar and anything this girl wears with it? Straight into some kind of submissive space is the answer.
The leather collar is both comfortable and restrictive. He tightened it more than usual, but to be frank, it felt right. Coupled with the harness, but otherwise naked. This girl was immediately her Master’s slut, His pleasing bitch.
Make no mistake this is all about His power. He loves to see the look in His girl’s eyes. The one that says, “I’m yours, take me and do with me as you will”. She of course loves to be reminded that she is His slave.
Trouble is, this girl has recently found that once she relaxes in this slutty, submissive way, she begins to feel sleepy. Tonight was no exception and contrary to what you might think, it is perfectly possible to drop off to sleep half naked as described while drinking beer and watching a film.
Still, with a whole weekend ahead of us, there was no need to worry. Master and His pleasing bitch have a great weekend to look forward to.

slave time

Last night this girl was able to leave behind the unhappiness of the past few weeks and enjoy serving her Master. Firstly this girl cooked dinner and she and Master sat chatting as they ate and enjoyed some good wine. Then we put on a film and girl snoozed a little while Master watched. It had been another busy day, but this time this girl had spent much of it cleaning her house – much needed after being home so little recently.

This girl is not quite sure how her need to demonstrate her submission came up as the film ended, but she remembers asking Master if she should go get her collar and that He put it on her. She kneeled naked at His feet, wearing the wide, leather collar and immediately found herself in complete submission. Master played with His girl and she in turn spent some time giving Him pleasure by sucking His cock. This girl is vague about exact events, partly due to having drunk quite a bit of wine, but also because she was overwhelmed with the feelings of submission. Sucking Him gave this girl comfort in a way never previously experienced. Master recognised that there has been little opportunity for this girl to worship Him in this way recently and encouraged her to provide the service He wanted and she so needed to give.

One of this girl’s nipple piercings has healed up – this happened one day when the jewellery fell out and she didn’t realise – Master spoke to His girl about allowing Him to re-do the piercing himself. This girl found herself agreeing and is strangely turned on by that prospect. They discussed the need for this girl to wear some larger rings in those nipples and perhaps in the future to have her labia pierced. Like tattoos, piercings seem to be something that once you have them you want more; girl certainly feels excited at the prospect of more signs of her slavery. Master also thinks that a chain hanging from this girl’s clit piercing would be something that could act as a constant reminder.

Master loves His girl to describe herself as the slut and bitch she is during these times. To tell Him about the way in which providing service makes Him feel. He loves nothing more than evidence that this girl is His pleasing bitch. Which of course she loves to be.

This girl’s lovely Master took her to be and spent the time before they both fell asleep demanding orgasms from her. Something that she needed so much and which even if she had wanted to was powerless to refuse.

More slave time is definitely needed very soon and since Master is staying again tonight, it may well come again very soon.