Being naked

The idea of spending several hours completely naked in public freaked me out. Stupid really since this is something I wanted to happen. Ever since I found out about play parties where the male Dominant is fully clothed and the female submissive naked, I wanted to try it. I am an exhibitionist, I do like to be naked for Master and wanted to attend a play event.  But theory and reality are two different things and yesterday I faced that head on.

The car journey, me wearing a little dress and cardigan with nothing underneath, passed far too quickly. We arrived just before the doors opened at 2pm and having to wait in the car made me feel even worse. So much so that I actually told Master I wasn’t going in.

But, as people started to get out of their cars I found myself following. Inside the building I encountered 3 or 4 entirely naked women, people helping at the event (as well as some clothed gents). My feelings of anxiety melted a little and I headed for the changing rooms.

Many women kept some clothes on, lingerie, stockings, shoes. Others sported chains or harnesses much like I own. I made the decision before leaving home that being naked would be best for me for this first day. Lingerie or stockings would be an easy option and kind of cheating. However those wearing more than nothing were pretty sensible as they kept warmer than I was able to.

Out in the main rooms, there were sofas for relaxing and various benches, crosses, pulleys for play. Most people brought implements and toys with them. As mentioned yesterday, I haven’t been well and so to avoid any temptation Master left his at home. While I was jealous of those being spanked, tied and played with I know that he had my best interests at heart. Plus it doesn’t mean that he didn’t sit touching and fondling his slave. I found watching others quite the turn on and know that next time I will be ready to be watched.

We met some great, very friendly new people and I discovered that I wasn’t alone in  being nervous about displaying myself to everyone else. It was good too to meet new people outside of the munch scene. To meet others who are part of a D/s or M/s dynamic. This felt a fun, but very safe place to explore this side of myself in a more public place.

By the time we left I was already looking forward to the next time. Thinking about what Master might do to me, how he might want to play with his slave. This morning Master texted me to tell me how proud of me he was. How much he liked displaying me to others.

I have to admit that I enjoyed being naked on public display much more than I even imagined I would. Next time hopefully I’ll be a little less nervous.

A new day, a new year

Today is my birthday, and as I enter a new year of life I somehow find myself ready to blog again. The past couple of months have been somewhat quiet here. Save the occasional, writers block post Sinful Sunday has been my only regular offering.

Last week’s Sinful Sunday post, a spur of the moment shot of Master changing a lightbulb naked  was rated in the top 5 by Molly. It is those kind of shots that really are the best. Therefore this week, since I have taken no photo involving stairs (this week’s prompt) I am taking a rest.

Instead I am happy to report that our sex and M/s life is resurrecting itself. Or rather, perhaps we are finding the time to get it going again. Since holiday we have been busy. Weekends away, stuff to do around the house and garden. Plus we both seemed to have returned from holiday with a strange malaise that wouldn’t seem to shift. Master has a painful shoulder, which I hope he will seek medical help for soon. This weekend though, we have shoved all of that aside.

Two mornings in a row we have had sex. Raw, just woke up and wanted to grope and kiss each other sex. Yesterday, my eyes were barely open before I found myself on my knees before him, sucking his cock. This morning I was awake first, reading birthday messages on Facebook when He began to finger my clitoris. Then he went down on me, orgasms flew through me in a way that I haven’t experienced in months. Mindful of his shoulder pain I have been on top more than of late. I had almost forgotten how wonderful that feeling is, his control from beneath me is something to behold.

As recently as Friday I was wondering if I was still his submissive bitch. Something in the things I said, and my body language that night seem to have seemed through. To us both. We have reminded ourselves of who we are to each other and that feels really good.

Sinful Sunday will resume here next week, meantime if you read this please do click on the lips and see the great photos everyone has contributed this week. But for me, today I will enjoy my birthday and savour the thoughts of yesterday, this morning and all the days to come.

Sinful Sunday

SCC Writing #228 – This life

Much of the literature I had read before embarking on a D/s relationship was fictional. While very hot, this kind of writing tends to be more about play and kinky sex than real life. It wasn’t really until I was starting my D/s journey with S and subsequently with Master that I read more widely.

What I gleaned from those ‘manuals’ of submission and slavery is that all relationships are different. That concepts of ownership, service, obedience and worship can be interpreted along a continuum. Just how strictly these apply depends upon the wishes and needs of the individuals. I think that Master and I like the idea of a relationship that interprets my slavery further towards the strict Master and compliant slave. But life needs to be more low maintenance than that for us both.

What is more, no relationship can sustain those first flushes of new excitement. Of constant arousal, discovering each other’s bodies, of pushing and testing limits. M/s for us right now is much more low key, perhaps an undercurrent to our lives rather than something that is overtly visible to others.

Having said all of that, we have let things slip a bit. There are rules, and expectations. Some are always followed and others really are not. We have discussed recently that we need to rediscover exactly what it is we both need from the M/s element of our relationship.

It is the very fact that we can and do communicate with each other about our relationship in its broadest sense as well as these specific elements, that feels different. We can and do discuss everything – we look back and analyse events and feelings and we make plans for the future. Those future plans involve mundane everyday things like me preparing my house for sale and him cleaning space for me to move in. They also include us thinking about ways in which we can better take account of His need to dominate me and mine to submit to Him. We often surprise each other. This might be by Him tell me He is about to pee on me in the shower, or perhaps I strip and kneel before Him, unprompted.

Life is no more like the fictional accounts of erotica that I often read than it is a manual of slavery. I would prefer to think that we are writing our own story as we journey though our life together.

As time goes by……….

 

Back to basics

We have been enjoying a wonderful summer together. A trip to France in May was followed by our holiday in Sicily, then there was a weekend away to visit my brother and then last weekend apart. Me with my mum in France, Master with his daughter in Amsterdam. In between there have been nights out, the theatre, the cinema, meals, trips to the pub…..

Often we have had little time for sex, a need to get up early, or getting home late and falling into bed. Plus of course the little matter of needing to prepare both our houses for when I join him in his. We get on really well together, we have no problem in living a vanilla existence. We can sit together reading, discussing current affairs, we don’t really need to argue and so don’t. We are maybe more tolerant of each other because we respect each others point of view even if we don’t agree with it. We love each other and we fancy each other. Of course, the relationship is not quite like it was at the very beginning. But it could be.
This weekend we got back to the core of what we are about as a couple. Master and slave. We reconnected in a way that we really haven’t given time for in quite a while. Plus we still managed to get out, travel to London to see a play, eat dinner and have a lovely walk back to the train station.
But while we were alone together here, things were different.
He decided on  Friday night and again last night when we got back that I needed to be naked. He had me kneel before him and suck his cock. He had me wear one of the leather harnesses (It was a bit on the loose side, so the diet and exercise is paying off) and he was clear about how I should address myself and him. I was ‘this girl’ once again and he was Master and also Lord; he really loves me calling him Lord, but I do stumble over it. Not because I mind calling him Lord, but too many films and books mean I am confused as to whether I should call him my Lord or just Lord. It sounds weird in a way that Master doesn’t (but I digress).
We have had amazing sex. Kinky, horny sex. I have been permitted numerous orgasms, many more than the tally currently written in black ink on my tummy. I have had a prize from him, one that I received while he was deep inside me this morning. I have also been required to pee on him, though this weekend not the other way around.
We have talked about the fact I have a contract and rules that I don’t follow and discussed how we can get that back on course. I know what I need to do, the rules are few and they are simple. But this is a two way process and he has promised me that he will also make sure we keep making time for the kinky side of our life. The pain and the pleasure, the Dominance and the submission. Master and slave.
This weekend has been relaxing and it has been busy. We got back to basics and it is clear that we do have time, we can have it all.

Bad slave?

There is no doubt that I have come a long way in the past two years.

I know that I am a happier person, someone who no longer needs to control every aspect of their life. Indeed, I would go further than that and say that I prefer to control very little of my life, but do what I must.
I have learned to let go of so much, to allow someone else to decide where I go, what I do and how I do it.
Sometimes though I rebel and revert to some of my old ways.
The other day when out for dinner I complained when Master made a decision about dinner on my behalf (for my own good of course). On holiday I started to doubt his ability to guide us to our hotel on foot (it took an hour to get there).  I know I answer back and I often break the rules we agreed 2 years ago.
But does that make me a bad slave? Does that mean I am not a slave at all?
I don’t believe it does.
I am a person who needs control, but also needs the opportunity to push against that control.
I am a person who needs to know that someone is in control. I am still learning that it isn’t desirable or necessary that I have to be that person. That giving up control makes me feel liberated and the person I want and need to be.
Master doesn’t want to micro manage me and I don’t want or need that micro management. I think that he needs to look back at where we were and where we are now.
He needs to see how far we have come and reassess.
I am not a bad slave. He is not a bad Master.
We are two human beings learning to navigate our way through life, a life where we and the world around us changes. Where sometimes we get it right and sometimes we get it wrong.
But what I do know is that we are two people who happen to be Master and slave. Two people who love each other.
Bad slave? No
Collared slave who is sometimes bad? Yes!

Orgasm control

Probably the first ‘rule’ applied to me as a new submissive was orgasm control. I was told that my orgasms no longer belonged to me, that they were his property and that I should ask permission to orgasm and that once I had cum, I must thank him and tell him that it was his.

I had read quite a bit about being a submissive by that time, and orgasm control seemed to be common place. What is more, S had required me to ask permission to cum when we were together, so this was nothing new.

Orgasm control with Master is a little different though. This isn’t about me feeling that I am about to cum and then seeking permission, this is about him demanding that I cum when, where and how he wants. Over time, and with training or conditioning, much like one of pavlov’s dogs, I really can cum at the moment he desires. He may be stroking my clit, he may be pinching a nipple, he may be deep inside one of my holes, or there may be no physical contact at all. But, when he says cum, I do.

I have long since stopped wondering how this can be happening to me, I suspect it is a form of conditioning as mentioned above. I love the control he has over me, that he can make me cum at will. It adds to the feeling of control that I know that he has over me and it makes me horny just to think about.

Occasionally he denies me an orgasm at the time I request it, but he is not very good at doing so for long. He truly loves me to cum and see and feel the juices that flow, to hear my breathing change, to hear me gasp, to see the look in my eyes. I love him for this; who wouldn’t? I know other submissive women are denied orgasms for prolonged periods, so I count myself extremely lucky.

For me, the advantages of having my orgasms controlled far out weigh any disadvantages. I recognise it as part of what I have ‘signed up for’ in agreeing to become his slave. It is part of the control, part of his ownership of me, my body and mind. Part of the power he has over me and which be both know we need.

I guess the only small disadvantage is that it means that when I am alone and I decide I need to cum it is less pleasurable than when we are together. I still thank him for the orgasm, and tell him it is his, but if he is not there to hear me say the words then what is the point. So, even though I am allowed, I tend not to orgasm very often when I am on my own. The feelings produced by my fingers or a vibrator are good, but they last just a few moments. I much prefer that he be there and that the control is overt and real.

S is for…..

A girl’s submission to slavery

One topic today since this lies at the heart of her very self, what she is and how she functions. In order to write this blog post, this girl needs to write in the third person – her slave persona  – this girl. This is a personal need rather than something imposed. You see, when Master told this girl that he thought that the use of the third person would help her in coming to terms and understanding her submission he was right. In the beginning it felt odd and sounded strange to even refer to herself in private with no one else present as this girl. She didn’t exactly believe that it was necessary since she had already worked out she was submissive. Of course it turned out Master was right!
The realisation that this girl was a submissive came in the early days with S. He brought out her submissive side and taught her that it was a good thing. That it wasn’t a sign of weakness but instead strength. The desire to serve another, to want to please to feel the need to worship another was part of who she was. Sadly, S wasn’t the right person to receive this girl’s submission in the long term. Indeed, it is now clear that he was frightened of it. For him, it was about play, it was a game. For this girl it was a part of who and what she was. He recognised this and pushed her away. The fact that they carried on seeing each other for a while was about carnal need, but eventually it was clear that this girl wanted and needed more.
Master recognised something in this girl during early online play and discussions in a chat room. Meeting up on a bleak, cold day in February only confirmed this. There was a sexual chemistry, but also there as something else. He recognised that she desired to submit to him and over time they agreed that she was his slave and he her Master. Looking back there was an inevitability which was confirmed after a period of separation which allowed both to reflect on their time together so far.Separated by thousands of miles, both had struggled to make sense of the emotions of the previous few months. On the spur of the moment (it seemed at the time) he asked if she wanted to be his slave. Somehow that request was exactly what she wanted and needed. She didn’t understand at the time why she felt the sense of relief she did. It felt almost like a home coming (though that took place a while later when he returned from his travels).

Jack Rinella’s book Becoming a slave provides this girl with the closest definition and understanding of her own understanding of slavery. He recognises that slavery and indeed submission itself is personal. He describes slavery in this context as a voluntary type of servitude. He identifies that rather than the slave being someone weak, needy and in need of constant supervision, she (or of course he) is someone who wishes to serve the Master, to give the power she holds to him. In doing so the slave puts the Master first, supporting and empowering him. At the same, they are quite possibly achieving success in their own endeavours. This is how life is for this girl. She does not need micromanagement, and she is able to lead a successful career. However she feels that she needs to defer to Master, to seek His approval and support. She needs to be his servant, to please to to give him total control of the life that is their’s to share.
In effect she has surrendered her will to Master and as Jack Rinella describes, her ego has been nullified and now belongs to him. She has given herself totally to him to take care of. Her self image has become his.
This whole area of thought is complex, but for this girl it sits inside the deepest recess of mind and body.
Yet, it is visible for all to see. Well for those who are able to see how important this life is to her. Generally people remark that she looks well, not just in body but that she is fulfilled.
Today, this girl met with her ex. Somehow she was surprised to hear the lack of communication that appears to go on with his new lady friend. She was surprised that she and he were unable to communicate at a level she is now used to. But later she realised she should not be surprised. Master has helped this girl to recognise her needs and to reach out to Master in fulfilling them. The level of communication in this girl’s relationship with Master is completely different. It and He have brought her happiness she could only have dreamt of in her previous relationships. Slavery has brought her happiness, but only because Master is the right person to submit to. She is Master’s slave.

 

My submission

Dominance and submission has been a key part of our relationship from the start, and it remains so. The relationship, which started with the intention that is mainly be around play has become something far deeper. This is a long term relationship that may well turn out to be something that defines us in our middle age. But it remains one where He is the dominant and I am the submissive. That is the undercurrent to each day of our lives, it is just the way things are. We go about our business, together or apart, but during that time we both know who we are and are mindful of our roles and what that means to the other. To Him, I am girl. I am there to be loved and cherished, but I am also there to serve him at all times. For me, He is Master and at all times not only do I want to serve, but I want Him to be proud. This is our life.

I can’t imagine that either of us wouldn’t want the D/s (or indeed M/s) that is so important to us. However, we are not one dimensional and there is far more to our life and the things we enjoy together. I don’t see our relationship failing because of that and anyway I love Him for who He is in so many ways.

The percentage of time when our interactions are rooted in D/s probably depends on where we are and whether we are together. But, since I wear His collar and cuff, and since I try as part of my contract to think about my place as His slave I would say that for most of each day I know where our relationship stems from. As a woman in her fifties, as a woman who has discovered her sexuality later in life than many, I have to say that I embrace my place as His slave. For me, there are constant reminders which mean that at least 90% of my time is in truth embedded in my relationship with Him. Embedded in the fact that I am this girl; His slave.

The photo below was taken last summer. As usual I wore no underwear and when He demanded to see His property I did so. Mind you, at the same time it appears, I was filing my nails!

 

Reflections on the past – My submission today

Master has frequently looked back on my
blog and reminded me of things that I have written. He is quite
a reflective person, and while I am too, he often sees things that I maybe
don’t.
This week we have been discussing my
submission. This is the first time since May 2014 that we have been apart for
this length of time. While it has been difficult to manage the lack of physical
contact we have texted and have spoken every evening on Skype. What it has done
though is give us the space to think about our relationship on a deeper, Master
/ slave level.
For many months we have in the main
lived relatively vanilla lives, going about our business, enjoying our social
life and holidays. Sex is always pretty kinky and there is always an
undercurrent of M/s. The S/m side has taken something of a back seat in the
main, mainly because of his shoulder problem which I am glad to say is now
resolved. We are both keen to reenergise that part of our relationship along
with redefining the Master / slave dynamic.
The other evening when we were chatting,
he pointed out that I was touching my collar a lot.  Thinking
about it, that is something I do a lot. I love to feel the metal
around my neck as well as the cuff on my wrist. I have rarely removed either
since he gave them to me.

he reminded me last night
of something I said when we first met. I struggled to find it, and of
course He went to it and pointed it out. It comes from 4th February 2014
as I analysed our first play date. Below is the full post: 

I don’t know how things will pan out
with this new Dom or if we will play more than a few times. i don’t know if the
special person will be him or another. What i do know is that i seem to have
restarted the journey that stalled months ago. 
Over the last few months with S,
we had some fantastic times. The kinky sex we had (much of it described here)
was fantastic. The submission was in the moment and was really good. But i
wasn’t truly submitting to anyone. At the time that was fine, right for where i
was and where he was.
Now though i feel differently. i
kind of feel liberated by the fact he has another and i have made the decision
that whatever happens there is no going back to that or to him.
i am thinking about submission a
lot. i am considering even what it might be like to give up more control, even
perhaps to enter a Master / slave relationship. That’s not to say i ever would,
but i am giving it some thought and in a considered and serious way.
The playdate on Sunday put me in a
good place, and rather than drop, i have kind of stayed there. Not on the high
that all of those orgasms gave me. But in a place where my submission has come
to the forefront and is just there, kind of so i can touch it.
The playdate on Sunday put me in a
good place, and rather than drop, i have kind of stayed there. Not on the high
that all of those orgasms gave me. But in a place where my submission has come
to the forefront and is just there, kind of so i can touch it.




The part he
keeps returning to is as the end of my post, where I talk about the fact that
my submission  is such that I  feel that I can touch it. Somehow, needing the physical
reassurance of my submission by touching my collar and the way in which we
remind each other of our place in this relationship are both ways in which I
feel my submission. For him it is about feeling the power of his dominance and seeing my  submission. It offers us confirmation that however we live our lives and whatever gets
int he way of being able to play and have kinky fun, we are and always were
Master and slave. That I was his submissive from the start.

So, while this isn’t really a difficult problem in
the big scheme of things the world faces it is something that we feel is
important. As such, I offer this post as Day 20 of 365 days – What is the
hardest thing you are dealing with?

 


That shows just how good life is right now I think!