I so want to write, I have so many ideas. But to be frank, I feel tired. Being ill at the beginning of the month has left me tired. Working and the relentless pressures of being an NHS manager leaves me tired.
Hang on, a manager in the NHS and you are tired? Surely managers do nothing but sit around in meetings, sponge off of the state and go home! For those of you reading this from outside of the UK, I work for the health service. Contrary to popular belief I do pull my weight, do more than go to meetings and answer a few emails and then go home. I don’t deny I am well paid, better than I ever imagined as a nurse, but I do work hard. I work harder than I did when in clinical nursing, not physically but expectations are higher.
My mum makes me tired. Tomorrow, it is 3 years since my dad died. I have done my best to provide the support needed and my brothers do help. But she relies on me much more than I want and need her to. It isn’t her fault, but it is a fact.
Things with my ex have improved significantly. He has stopped telling me he misses me and wants to try again. He has stopped analysing what went wrong. Stopped fussing. I am however still waiting for his partner to sell her house so that they can move in here. Tired of waiting, but I have promised to wait a little longer.
I want and need to move in with Master, but he still needs time to declutter and be ready. That is of little consequence since I am not yet ready to move in with him. But I am tired of waiting.
I need to begin to put myself ahead of others. I need to give up my job and take a break. But I need the money from the house sale so I can afford such a luxury. I need to move in with Master and be with him, but I need my ex’s partner to buy my part of the house to enable that to happen.
My mum is hopefully moving house, closer to my brother. I need to be relieved of the responsibility for her on a day to day basis and hopefully that will happen soon.
Meantime, I am tired and when you are tired, it is difficult to find the words to write.