Tired

I so want to write, I have so many ideas. But to be frank, I feel tired. Being ill at the beginning of the month has left me tired. Working and the relentless pressures of being an NHS manager leaves me tired.

Hang on, a manager in the NHS and you are tired? Surely managers do nothing but sit around in meetings, sponge off of the state and go home! For those of you reading this from outside of the UK, I work for the health service. Contrary to popular belief I do pull  my weight, do more than go to meetings and answer a few emails and then go home. I don’t deny I am well paid, better than I ever imagined as a nurse, but I do work hard. I work harder than I did when in clinical nursing, not physically but expectations are higher.

My mum makes me tired. Tomorrow, it is 3 years since my dad died. I have done my best to provide the support needed and my brothers do help. But she relies on me much more than I want and need her to. It isn’t her fault, but it is a fact.

Things with my ex have improved significantly. He has stopped telling me he misses me and wants to try again. He has stopped analysing what went wrong. Stopped fussing. I am however still waiting for his partner to sell her house so that they can move in here. Tired of waiting, but I have promised to wait a little longer.

I want and need to move in with Master, but he still needs time to declutter and be ready. That is of little consequence since I am not yet ready to move in with him. But I am tired of waiting.

I need to begin to put myself ahead of others. I need to give up my job and take a break. But I need the money from the house sale so I can afford such a luxury. I need to move in with Master and be with him, but I need my ex’s partner to buy my part of the house to enable that to happen.

My mum is hopefully moving house, closer to my brother. I need to be relieved of the responsibility for her on a day to day basis and hopefully that will happen soon.

Meantime, I am tired and when you are tired, it is difficult to find the words to write.

The mark

We have spoken so many times about me getting a tattoo. I know that he loves a woman with tattoos marking her body. In theory I love the idea too and want what he wants. But all along I have had a few worries. First is the fact that his former slave had a number of tattoos. Indeed she had his initials tattooed onto her leg at the very time they were breaking up. I caught both sides of that argument, but suffice to say it didn’t end well. Personally, no matter the dynamic of the relationship you must want this kind of thing for yourself as well as them. I think that another persons initials indelibly inked upon your body take some consideration. 

For me, well that is not the worry. I think I want symbols rather than initials on my skin. I have Master’s collar and cuff. I have the knowledge that I am owned. I don’t need his initials.

What then? I have been thinking of a butterfly.

A butterfly signifies the beauty of the natural world around us. It shows that as a slave while I want to show off and be proud that he is my Master I also want to settle down beside or on top of him. It demonstrates that while I could easily fly away I choose to stay close, safely by his side.

But also it shows that I am vulnerable and need protection. It seems that I am confident, but in actual fact I am not. I am anxious about the future and need his reassurance.

I am confident that we will get that tattoo. Another sign of his Mastership over me. But also of my freedom to express myself. Where though should that tattoo be?

I am thinking a breast, or buttock or perhaps somewhere else…………

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

These feet are made for touching

There was a time when I couldn’t stand anyone else touching my feet. I was very ticklish and the person who might have touched my feet only wanted to tickle them. I hadn’t ever thought of feet as an erogenous zone and never imagined that having my feet touched could be sexy.

But Master loves to touch my feet, intact he loves to touch all of me and does. He loves to stroke, caress and to massage. Often in the evening while watching TV I sit with my feet on him and he caresses and touches my feet. He does this not to tickle or play but because he wants to touch me. I find I really really love it and find it quite a turn on.

Sinful Sunday

His kinks and our plans

There are many ways in which we are on the same wavelength when it comes to kink. Being his owned slave is probably the main one. While I am naturally bratty and rebellious, I love the way that he takes control and keeps me within defined boundaries. I am at my happiest when the boundaries of our relationship are clearest to us both.

Pain as a way of him exerting control is important, but it is not the main thing. Control of our sex life, and the power it gives him is. He loves to catch me unawares and to suddenly tell me what to do – get on my knees, suck his cock, bend over, strip off. Whatever. He loves the gadgets of kink, the violet wand, the bindings and blindfolds. They have an amazing effect on me. I love the way in which he surprises me with new ideas, new toys. I love the control he has over me.

He loves tattoos and piercings.  He loves women to wear slutty clothes and to expose themselves in public. I have the piercings – nipples and clitoral hood. On occasion I wear something a bit slutty and am prepared to show myself to him in a public place.

Sometime over the past three years or so though we have settled into a comfortable place. We talk about more piercings, about tattoos. But they haven’t happened. In the main I don’t leave the house without underwear as I used to, and the times I expose myself in public has reduced in frequency.

Partly this is due to life – work, caring responsibilities, social life, being a middle aged couple (and any other excuse you might mention). In many ways, though it feels as though I have just become complacent and lazy. Also just a little tired as work and caring plus keeping up with our social life takes its toll.

A quick look at his Tumblr blog tells me however, that his kinky fantasies remain as they were. I have to admit they are mine too. I really do still want more piercings. I would love to walk around, knickerless with weights hanging from my labia. I would love to cut my hair as he really wants. I still want that tattoo. I want to be the slut he desires.

What I need to do is to take control of my life. Or to get into a position where he truly can take control of my life. We are still waiting for my ex to sort himself out. For he and his lady love to be ready to buy my house. We are close, but not quite there.

Meanwhile I really am planning my exit from work. Preparing myself, those around me and the work itself for that day. I have given myself a deadline of early March when I will hand in my notice. By then, my mum should be living nearer to my brother and be less of a burden to me. And I should be preparing to give myself to Master properly. If the ex isn’t ready by then, well something different will have to happen.

I want his kinks to be my kinks, but I need to make some changes here for that to happen. I have a plan, a real plan.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

TMI Tuesday – 19 September 2017

1. Why would you go to a therapist?
a. You need support
b. You want to take responsibility for your life’s outcomes?
c. You need guidance and to be told what to do

I am not sure that I would go to a therapist for any kind of relationship support. I tried it when my marriage was ending and I was struggling to get him to accept the inevitable. I discovered that I had everything I wanted worked out in my head. What I also discovered was that me having counselling wouldn’t make him cope any better. He was the one needing the help and that couldn’t happen unless he pitched up. Having said that, if I needed therapy for a mental health problem I would take it if I felt it would help. Can’t see it happening right now though.

2. Thinking of the main male lover in your life, what is sex for him:
a. stress relief, tension reliever
b. a way to show love
c. something exciting he likes to do

I suspect that at different times, sex can be any of the above for him. He likes to have sex with me, he says I turn him on. He finds me exciting! But there are times when sex is a great relief for stress and tension. There’s no doubt it is also a way to show love, though sex for us is usually a bit more raunchy than that.

3. Do you feel a partner is being invasive for wanting to know your plans and inner thoughts?

We have the kind of relationship where we tell each other everything. 3 years ago, I agreed to be his slave and so being open comes with the territory. Anyway I want to tell him. Keeping secrets was part of the reason my relationship with hubby failed and I don’t intend that to happen again. We are open with each other, so it’s a two way street.

4. In your opinion, what is intimate sharing?

For us it is about being willing and able to speak about our feelings for each other including deeper emotions. Also it is about being able to tell the other about your fantasies and fears too. I can’t say this is always easy, but generally we both know when the other has something they need to say to the other.

5. Would you enjoy a weekend by yourself, without the company of your partner? Where would you go? What would you do?

I don’t really want weekends to myself anymore. Weekends are when we spend time together. I guess if I had to I would and if I did, perhaps I would do something we wouldn’t do together. Maybe a spa weekend or a trip to somewhere hot where I could sun bathe. But I know that it wouldn’t be the same doing anything without him there.

Bonus: Would you buy an outfit that you love, knowing that your partner will hate it? Then would you wear it as well?

I don’t think there is any chance I would want to buy something he would hate. Since I don’t think I would like it either. I buy things I like, but tend to wonder if he would like them too.

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

Squirting

The events of the weekend seem to have reignited my desire to blog, reminding me that I still have stuff to say. Sunday showed me that, whatever else happened we still have the M/s dynamic. I am his slave and want him to be proud of me. So, for the first time in ages, I am writing my third blog post in a week.

This week’s Kink of the week is about squirting, or female ejaculation. This is my topic for today.

Until about 4 or 5 years ago, I don’t believe I even knew it was possible to squirt. After all, at that time, I was still an orgasm novice. Unless that is I was making myself cum. Generally most of my experience had been through clitoral stimulation, my preference at the time. My reading around this subject tells me that female ejaculation tends to happen through G spot stimulation.

S explored all of my body,  attending to my needs as no one had before. He was keen on providing multiple orgasms in a variety of ways. Looking back sex with him followed a specific pattern, often starting with me sucking him and ending up with penetration of some kind. But along the way there were orgasms for me. I think (and my memory grows vaguer as time progresses) I may have once squirted for him. Well, lets say there was a feeling I may have peed myself, though I know I hadn’t. He told me I had squirted and I believed him.

With Master there is no doubt I have come close. Many many times, I have had the feeling I am about to release fluid, to squirt. But for some reason it doesn’t happen. I am often very wet, when he is forcing orgasms from me. Often many orgasms over a short period of time. When he overstimulates my body, while I am restrained and blindfolded. When he is fucking me. When his fingers find my g-spot and make me feel I might explode. But the fact this hasn’t happened over the past 3.5 years makes me wonder if I ever did squirt. If the idea was put into my mind by someone who wanted it to be true, but that it is a false memory.

Anyway does it matter? Isn’t being aroused to orgasm multiple times enough? Do I want or need to squirt for him? Probably not. Though I know that it is something he really would like to happen. Since it is not a conscious act it is not something I can make happen and I think for both of us there are more important things in our lives. Things like a loving relationship, a good sex life, our power exchange dynamic and the fact that he turns me on like crazy. I think that’s enough.

 

Being naked

The idea of spending several hours completely naked in public freaked me out. Stupid really since this is something I wanted to happen. Ever since I found out about play parties where the male Dominant is fully clothed and the female submissive naked, I wanted to try it. I am an exhibitionist, I do like to be naked for Master and wanted to attend a play event.  But theory and reality are two different things and yesterday I faced that head on.

The car journey, me wearing a little dress and cardigan with nothing underneath, passed far too quickly. We arrived just before the doors opened at 2pm and having to wait in the car made me feel even worse. So much so that I actually told Master I wasn’t going in.

But, as people started to get out of their cars I found myself following. Inside the building I encountered 3 or 4 entirely naked women, people helping at the event (as well as some clothed gents). My feelings of anxiety melted a little and I headed for the changing rooms.

Many women kept some clothes on, lingerie, stockings, shoes. Others sported chains or harnesses much like I own. I made the decision before leaving home that being naked would be best for me for this first day. Lingerie or stockings would be an easy option and kind of cheating. However those wearing more than nothing were pretty sensible as they kept warmer than I was able to.

Out in the main rooms, there were sofas for relaxing and various benches, crosses, pulleys for play. Most people brought implements and toys with them. As mentioned yesterday, I haven’t been well and so to avoid any temptation Master left his at home. While I was jealous of those being spanked, tied and played with I know that he had my best interests at heart. Plus it doesn’t mean that he didn’t sit touching and fondling his slave. I found watching others quite the turn on and know that next time I will be ready to be watched.

We met some great, very friendly new people and I discovered that I wasn’t alone in  being nervous about displaying myself to everyone else. It was good too to meet new people outside of the munch scene. To meet others who are part of a D/s or M/s dynamic. This felt a fun, but very safe place to explore this side of myself in a more public place.

By the time we left I was already looking forward to the next time. Thinking about what Master might do to me, how he might want to play with his slave. This morning Master texted me to tell me how proud of me he was. How much he liked displaying me to others.

I have to admit that I enjoyed being naked on public display much more than I even imagined I would. Next time hopefully I’ll be a little less nervous.

Excitement and fear

It’s a long time since I had a new D/s related experience. We are settled in our life together, and much of what we do around the D/s or BDSM area is tried and tested. In the main we keep that aspect of our lives separate from other people. This week we attended one of our local munches, we are acquainted with many of the people at that and other events. But we only know those people in a relatively vanilla place. We haven’t attended any of the events of which they speak. We haven’t been to play parties with them. Up until now we have kept ourselves just that little bit separate.

Today that is going to change. For the first time we are going to a Clothed Male naked female event. In for a penny in for a pound! The idea of wandering around naked while Master is fully dressed in a suit is theoretically fine. But when the other females are also naked and the other males smartly dressed?

Will I be cold? Will I feel self conscious? Will I want to gaze at the bodies of the other women? What will we do while there? I am a bit nervous about my ability to experience too much in the way of play today, since I have been ill for much of the week with a virus and a cough. I am on the mend and no longer feel ill. But we both know that I am not fully fit at the moment.

He asked me earlier if I am going to make him proud today. I always try to do that and know that I will do my best not to let him down. I want to enjoy this new experience. I want to embrace the excitement I feel about going to this event, but I am also fearful. Those two feelings are not dissimilar in the way they manifest themselves inside us and time will tell which wins through. Whatever happens this will be an interesting day and there will be experiences to write about here. That can only be a good thing.