My head rules my life. While I may appear to act on impulse and to to follow my gut feeling or indeed my heart that really isn’t the case. Instead I plan and consider what I should do and then spend a little more time considering what to do next. I worry about the consequences of my actions and then sometimes do nothing for ages even for ever.
I followed my heart when my ex proposed. At the age of just 19, he was my first boyfriend and I imagined myself unattractive to other boys of my age since no one else had asked me. I was in love with the idea of being in love and engaged. Soon after I got involved briefly with an ex patient from the orthopaedic ward. He had been involved in a motor cycle accident and had had surgery. One night the patient in the next bed suffered a severe haemorrhage and afterwards the young man and I talked through our respective experiences and afterwards swapped phone numbers. I an not sure that kind of thing would be encouraged these days, but at the time there seemed no harm in it. I was going off duty on days off and he would be gone on my return. A couple of weeks later we went on a date. He was keen to see me again, and I was tempted. But I was engaged and got cold feet. My heart told me to do one thing, my head something else. My head won.
It is hard to think of any time in the following 30 years when I actually did anything on impulse where true emotion was involved. I always did the sensible thing, acted like the grown up I was. Until that is the afternoon I travelled to meet with S and subsequently spent the night with him. I often think of what might have happened if things had gone wrong. But they didn’t and we had some great times. Then of course, a couple of years later after things with S ended I met Master. We met in a pub one day and then had a play date the next.
Looking back it is hard to see that that woman in her 50’s is the same as that young scared girl of 19. But of course I am just a more experienced, mature version of the person I was then. Someone who realised that she needs to live her life not regret the things she might have done.
The question for 18th January – The best part of today was:
Well, other than the dinner out I just had with my mum and two brothers it is the realisation that I really can do what I want these days. I really can follow my instinct and my heart. I told my brother that I really would like him to come and help us finish off the painting that is needed in this house. I don’t want to prolong things longer because I want to get the house valued and on the market.
I want to follow my heart!