Limits, love and lust.
When I first started in this whole D/s, BDSM world and chatted to a few guys online they were always interested in your limits. To begin with, I had little idea of what they either were or ought to be and had to read around the subject. I distinctly remember ‘chatting’ with one individual who declared I would be wearing a diaper (nappy in this country), I cut him short and left the conversation. Yep, I thought a limit. When I met S we had a conversation about what we did and didn’t want / intend to do, but I was always free to say no. I never actually did since, despite being tied naked to a tree and fucked on a picnic table, he never asked me to do anything that I considered to be a limit.
With Master, the relationship started off in the same way, limits were discussed in a chat room and, he was always careful to test out I was happy with things. We were playing or else having sex. He discovered my exhibitionist tendencies and pushed those, but I was never unhappy with what he suggested and have never called red. I became his slave during that first summer and then last year received his collar and this caused me to think. I trust this man, he has my submission, I have agreed that he is my owner and so as part of this he should have my limits. He didn’t demand them, I offered them and he grabbed them from me. Of course, I am a human and I have consented to this whole thing, so I can take anything away that was given. But I can’t see that happening. The limits are defined by him and that is how we live our life. He loves the power he feels owning both me and my limits and I in turn love that I no longer have to worry about this kind of thing. Now if he asked me to wear a diaper, things might change!
Love and Lust
I was with the same man for nearly 30 years and so, when it came to getting involved with new people it was difficult to know quite what to expect. What I experienced in the first instance in both relationships I think was lust. I discovered a much more sexual person in myself than I even knew I was and often became overwhelmed with lustful endorphins. Both times I faced, or in Master’s case perceived the end of the relationship, and my reactions made me think I must be in love. With S, this came as a surprise, since he had pushed back quite a bit on the feelings side of things, plus there were things about him which rang alarm bells in me. It told myself that this was about the kinky sex, but when he ended it one hot July day having earlier tied me to a tree in the woods, I was devastated. Later I confirmed to myself that it had been lust. But also my reaction was about the possibility of returning to my former self, a feeling of loss. When the real end of that relationship came, the break was easy.
With Master things were different, it was never meant to be about love. It was supposed to be an opportunity for me to learn about my submission while he bided his time until his real submissive was with him. When he reaffirmed that understanding to me several months later, I felt bereft. I imagined myself as unlovable, pictured myself alone without the man I so obviously loved. That isn’t to say we didn’t lust after each other because we did and still do. But there is more to this, a deeper understanding a way of communicating that I sadly never experienced before. Nor, I think did he. This really is love.
Which makes me go back to my marriage. There was some lust at the beginning, but I really can’t remember when I hungered for him in the way I do for Master. I loved him and still do in a strange way – partly due to his neediness which drove me mad and attracted me.
It may be scary to think that these 3 relationships are pretty much it in terms of sexual encounters. There have been a couple more, but neither feel significant now. But for me, for now I don’t feel I have lost out since I know that what I have now is something I want to keep hold of.