It has been almost exactly 3 years since hubby discovered I was cheating on him. I remember vividly the day that he thought he had found something within my emails; I had met someone for lunch, but that person while male wasn’t the person I was cheating him with.
However, it became clear within hours, that I really did need to tell him the truth. I am not proud of deceiving hubby in the way I did and it is not something I would recommend. In hindsight I should have dealt with the marriage first and then found myself a lover. But hindsight is an easy thing from this distance.
I still live in the marital home, he has moved out and is living with a woman he met just a few weeks after I dropped my bombshell on him. For months and months during 2013 he pretended that when he stayed out for nights on end that he was at a male friends. That turned out to be a lie. Then last year I discovered that the woman was that person he met on our trip to Germany in December 2012 and that she was a person I had previously worked with. It is now a year since hubby stayed over night in the house. He knows we will have to sell, but hasn’t been keen yet to do so. He appears to be avoiding the inevitable.
While he doesn’t sleep at home he visits every day, usually when I am either in bed or at work. He still calls in on his way to work and takes with him some sandwiches which I make (I know that I need to stop this). Then in the evening he calls in and showers before heading off for the evening. I have allowed this to continue for the past year despite knowing that I need to end this. This week due to a lack of afternoon meetings, I have been able to arrive home early and so have encountered him every evening and then yesterday on my day off he decided to spend the entire morning in the house. I took this opportunity to try to speak to him.
He claims that the relationship with the woman he lives with is a friendship. This is in spite of the fact that they portray themselves to each others families (including our son) as a couple. He seems unwilling or unable to move himself on to a stage where he accepts that we should have no part of each others lives (save those involving our son) any more. Encounters like this one, where I try to have a serious conversation about ending our relationship more formally always result in me being frustrated and in he being upset.
My son has indicated that he and his girlfriend would like to buy the family home, but not for another year. It isn’t really clear that they can afford to buy the house, but I am willing to let them try and also willing to hang on for a year. But what I can’t do is allow the current situation with hubby to continue. The trouble is I am at a loss as quite how to move us onto the next stage. I guess I could start divorce proceedings, but the financial elements would need to be finalised as part of the divorce, so probably I should wait for that too. Plus, even getting divorced might not change things in his mind.
I know that is is time to end this situation once and for all and that there are some things I can and must do to help. He says he understands that our marriage, is over and that we won’t ever go back to where we were. But his words and his actions just don’t match up. 3 years seems long enough for him to get the message and I know I now need to make him understand that I really do mean this.