It isn’t every week that you lose a parent (thankfully), so I suppose the fact that it has been kind of weird around here is to be expected. Last week was about caring for dad, for mum and for the rest of the family. It was about being there for others and taking time out for me. This week has been much the same in a slightly different way, but there is no dad. What we have now is thoughts and memories.
Last evening I joined mum and the elder of my two brothers to meet with the lady who will conduct the funeral ceremony. Dad wasn’t a religious person. He never discussed faith with me, never told me he was an atheist, but I suspect he was. His last coherent words to me, just over a week ago was to ask me ‘what is my destiny Julie? I told him that it was to be there with us, what else was there to say to a dying man? So last evening we told her about the man who was a husband, father, grandfather, great-grandfather, work colleague, friend. Then later when she had left, we looked at some old photos and chatted some more. Mum is taking great solace in those memories and so too I think did we.
Yesterday too, I went back to work. There was a meeting I felt I needed to go to. There was no one else to go for me as the job I do is about me, not about a team. The meeting was fine, but back in the office, I found being there difficult. People were lovely, coming up and speaking about my loss. The trouble was having so many people approaching me in that way was in itself challenging. They gave me a lovely orchid plant and a card. So kind, but at the same time it made me want to leave and go home. I didn’t I sat it out, even if I was only part way effective.
My time with Master this last couple of weeks has of course been reduced. Plus, to be honest, I have thought less about my submission than of late. The role I have been playing has been that of daughter, sister and mother and not in any kind of submissive way. The conversations with Master have been just that and our meetings have in the main been for dinner and on Wednesday to see a film too. Our time together has helped me escape from the realities of the rest of my life, but also to be able to talk to someone who knows how it feels. Who knows how I feel.
I know this week will end and will be replaced with another equally surreal and unusual, since next week will be the funeral. Then after that there will be more weeks where we all try to come to terms with what has happened recently.
What I look forward to though is being with Master again in the way I know I need. To be His slave again and to submit, to be played with in whatever way He has in mind. Plus I think to at last be able to plan a little bit further in the future. To start to think of the next phase of my life, the one where hubby and I make the final break. I know I will need His support for that too.