Though I haven’t necessarily articulated it in this way, I have often felt and said that finding my submission often makes me feel that the rug has been pulled from me. I know I am on a journey somewhere, but don’t really yet understand the destination. I am clear that submission for me is a better place than the one I inhabited before, and I am also clear that a half hearted attempt at submission, such as just in the bedroom is not an option for me.
I guess though, that I really never understood how difficult this journey would be.
I always felt reasonably assured in myself before. Confident in what I needed to do. That was partly because I rarely let anyone see the part of myself that is hidden to others, let alone the one that is hidden to me too. That sadly includes my husband of 30 years. I built a wall, one that was practically impenetrable. But a wall that is gradually being dismantled.
Things that I would have brushed aside, now concern me greatly – what people think, the deeper meaning within words, the reality that I feel nervous, fragile, sometimes unable to cope with ordinary life.
I seek assurance in a way that I never thought I would. I feel the need to try to understand the future in a way that I never did before, and frankly can’t even be determined.
This is partly to do with the fact I am in the process of so many endings. But also because of the reality that I have embarked on a relationship where I don’t yet know what is expected of me. Nothing yet is clear. Where as in the past I always thought I was allowing things just to happen, in reality, I was controlling them. Suddenly I feel I need clarity, but don’t control how that emerges. I need rules, perimeters and to understand my place, but don’t really know how to make that happen.
I know I need to let go much more, but am finding doing so really hard. I need His help, His support and His care. But I also need to have it spelt out a little more explicitly.