As i try to navigate my way through the endings i need to make happen, i am finding that i am experiences feelings within myself that feel completely alien. My mood seems to swing from feeling pretty happy, able to concentrate with what i am doing and to be productive. In effect to be my usual self.
But right now, there seems to be the ability for my mood to swing within just minutes and for me to feel alone, unhappy even despondent. When that happens i just want to crawl into a corner, sit down and cry. Also when that happens i feel i need to seek reassurance and if i perceive i don’t get it, then i just sink further and further into that sense of despair.
Then later, probably after whatever actual or perceived stress has passed, i begin to feel more like my usual self. However each time it happens i feel a little less sure of who i really am.
All this happened yesterday. I went to work feeling pretty happy, had a productive morning, ticked a number of things off of my ‘to do’ list and generally felt good. At the back of my mind all morning was that i had agreed to visit my in laws during the evening, much against my better judgement. They don’t know that hubby and i will separate and so far he hasn’t told them. This is still the case.
I was preparing to leave for a meeting and simultaneously answer a flurry of emails, when i began to interact with Graeme. He was distracted as busy elsewhere, i was distracted as trying to sort things before leaving, when suddenly i began to feel my emotional state drop through the floor. i don’t know why this happened, or exactly how. i know that some how his responses were different from those i wanted, but then i was kind of distracted anyway. i am not even sure that the interaction and what was going on in my head were even linked.
I went to the meeting, some how functioned as normal in it, all the time feeling my levels of anxiety rise.
On the way to the station, he and i spoke on the phone, and while i explained a little, i found myself almost unable to speak. i think we both knew what was wrong with me, but since i knew i would do through with seeing the inlaws as did he, there was little really to be said.
By the time i got home, i felt i should tell Graeme that i was too needy, and that maybe he would be better off if he and i should see each other. Even when i knew i was being irrational, so the feelings grew within me.
The visit was odd. i have the feeling they know something as conversation was more stilted and limited than usual. i felt like i was almost suspended above myself, watching what was happening. But as the visit drew to a close, and they asked me to set up their new tablet computer, which i did for them. i began to feel normal again. By the time i got home and soon after went to bed i was able to sleep. Waking this morning, i am puzzled by what happened to me, still struggling with these unusual feelings flying in and out. Plus i am frightened about what on earth is going on within me and how i can best manage this in the future.
Before i controlled everything that happened in my life. Now i almost feel out of control. i know i need to find a middle ground, but in the middle of that is my desire to submit and to give up control. In the midst of some kind of stressor it feels like my whole self goes into a crisis and it is very very odd.